I think I have created a chaos in my mind all my own...

Egads! It's been a long long while. I have missed the ease of writing then posting, writing then posting, writing then posting, repeat.

Big changes. Big loves. Big llamas. I have moved to my summer home made of plywood and nylon. It has a beautiful vista I have yet to really take in. The next morning I plan to wake early and pay my devoirs to the slow surrender of sunrise. And to boot- I am buying a llama to keep on this land. Crazy I know. I also have a bit of a wrinkle in my love parade. It involves two good men not aware of each other. How have I begotten in this mess? I assume the retraction of my emotions and advances are words enough to explain what I already know. But as usual the one really nice guy I didn't want to hurt, will in fact be the one that I will certainly let down if truth be told. That terrible truth written- I feel even more terrible saying what I will next... I like my Window Sill a lot. And this 'far apartness' that I was totally aware of before we got involved, is fucking annoying. I was feeling major frustration yesterday, because we had just missed each other in town and then cut out on a phone call or two. And since time and place has a coordinator with an evil sense of humor and we just didn't line up enough to see each other, then I would have really liked to talk to him. I guess I need a little more connection than we've been having. And I really want him to extend himself just a bit more to me. Mostly just come to my new summer home, even for two days. I feel slightly 'expected' or 'taken for granted', which is a common theme I noticed with GG too. I know there is a lesson in this though. With GG he was just too darn available, and we spent every moment together, however, when I could have had another person like that with 'of the dawn' it didn't suit me and now with Window Sill, we have less free time to spend frolicking (for lack of a better word) and I crave his company so much more. I really enjoy spending our nights together and doing daily activities with my partner. I'm over this separation thing. When we are together we do all those things a couple in a relationship would do, only we have days between them where there is very little contact. The time we are apart creates anxiety and frustration within me so much so that those moments we have together are clouded with my anger and insecurities, instead of creating a stronger desire and appreciation for the time we do get to spend together. What is this poor girl to do? If I want to give, give, but don't expect the exact same kind of giving in return. I need to stop second guessing my actions/emotions and stop assuming I know what he is thinking. I should just ask him if HE ever gets frustrated by this too. And ask what he hopes for between us. Simple as that.

good times forever...

Dan Brown days... now those were special times!

---

I am happily living in the mountains and the mauntains are living in me. There is no other place right now that speaks to my soul the way nature does. I am learning more about life then I have ever thought possible. Here. Now. Loving. And living. Expressing. And enjoying. Letting winds guide my hot air balloon and pink heart shaped balloon.

waiting

]4/14/06


As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I [cannot help but] conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

truth travel passion

12/6/05

Wandering traveler

Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight

Weary traveler
…




But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…

The truth is I don’t know my passion.

Passionate.
To feel passion.


There has to be something that one is passionate about.

I am passionless.
But only for awhile.
…

I was raised in the now

8/31/05

I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters/fashionistas
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground

I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up

I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future

The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb

Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright

--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light

I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America

I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight

I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:

No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.

I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.

I never felt

3/29/06

I never felt like opening up…

You know I tried
To unfold my life

I struggled through my days
My nights
I’d cry and fight
I’d barely breathe

I was pushing boulders
Too large to move
Not sure it was even rock

I was choking back tears
Too deep to let flow/drop
Back down to earth

But then I slowed my pace
And grew patience like a seed
I began accepting the passing days
With sun rays
And revel the ones with rain

And now I am open
To what is next
To being opened
To being broken

I once said more than words will do
But I’ve discovered “more than words”
Will find their way to crush

I worry where I’d be
Without speaking my peace/piece of mind
And so I do in face of fear itself
To that I am blind

I’ve seen the love
The hate
Displayed across the faces
Of my watch

I had convinced myself
It would never be mine to touch
Waiting for my creases to be smoothed
Before I allowed the rush

My head was aching
My heart was breaking
The earth was shaking
Right under my feet

And here you are
And I am here
Just listen for the ticking of my watch
Telling us the right time is life

I’ve never seen the kind of things that I do with you
I don’t mean the things we see
I mean the things we do

I love your complexity
The hex of your wine
[Drives me to ecstasy]
You are the dream of my exorcism
My vision
Of truth
Separate my lips from closure
Kiss me with your mind

So I’ll open up.

My hand is open
My heart is open
My mind is open

Let us swing our arms round and round
And give silence no more place or time.

I am and always will be

9/05/05

I am and always will be that hunger.
That hunger for a thunderstorm that will rock the boat and crumble walls, like the fall of Rome.
We’ve had enough lies Caesar/Bush/Jesus
Just tell me where and when
We’ll be there to contend our rights, our fights, our insights.
Your selfless ego can help where we go.

Gotta Love It

8/31/05

These systematic notches on my waistline
Are created by every baker of couture fashion
Whose sizes will only fit me if I don’t eat that
key lime pie.

---
But why
die just to be thin
Try and squeeze in
To “fit in”
Only to quit every quick and fading fast fad diet.

Why ignore the comfort
the connection
the confection
so the size fits just right, is

really the only question when I ask myself
why are these pants so snug
why don’t I have a man to lean in and hug
If only I’d enjoy myself and indulge in
My life
My body
My spirit
My soul
And realize the right size is just this
I am me
And these are my hips
My thighs
And my voluptuous ass
Love it!

No matter the number of bakers baking the precise
Small dress size is nice
“Oh, dessert?”
I’ll have to think twice
…and pass.

Because these systematic notches on my waistline
Are so untrue for me
so unnatural
I have to work twice as hard to NOT get it
Because I love it.
I love that creamy tarty key lime pie
Especially when I’m told I shouldn’t.
Especially when I believe, “Oh I couldn’t”
That very delectable key lime pie is nothing but sweet to me.

Believe me I’ve tried it.
Every yoyo, jelly craig, no thanks I’ll watch my own weight diet.
And here I am
Same rosy cheeked, big boned, childbearing, curvy booty chick
It’s the same shit

(They make me and I make them)

Gotta love it!

A group of interacting, interrelated, or interdependent elements forming a complex whole-system

good versus bad

When things are good, I have less to say. When things are bad, I could write a book. Why is it so much harder to express positive thoughts and praises than slander?
---
4/4/06

At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up.
[Each day the side of the bed I rise from changes.]
and wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.

first time

8/31/05


First Time


I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook

If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.

faith and love

4/14/06

FAITH AND LOVE

You can’t see through [your] lies
I want to believe your hazel eyes
Your silence is golden
Because [I believe your silence] it saves me the pain of disbelieving you… my love

I have faith in love
I have faith, my love
I have faith and love
I want to love my love
[I have to love, my love]

original- I have faith, my love. I have faith in love. I have faith and love.



Baby I want to do you right
I want to move you deep into the night

faith and love

divinity

4/14/06

All divinity asks of you
Is be true
And be kind

To me
To he
To she
And your mother and your father
To you
And your ego and your…self

Be true
And kind
And loving
For truth, kindness, and love is in you
It is you
It is for you
Surrounding you

You just have to let it
Be

Be true
Be kind

You are divine.

bees and pavement

4/14/06

The piceous pavement, after heavy rains reflects my inner ego I struggle to express…


“It all sits on encouragement anyway” -me

and in response to that quote, this came out:

And so it flows…

I rise up from my seat
Stamping my feet
With the energy of 1000 bees

The buzz makes honey drip from my lips
And my hips
And the tips of my toes

[The] Honeycomb connectivity ,
the basis for my livity,
is the structure of my sweetness

The divine creation[s] of bees
So sweet
And savory
They make me free

And inspired to…
Rise [flow]





---
The jam who empower the queen bee
So she can be
And say for (savor)
Those sweet sweet savory lips that stick like glue

A ticking time bomb

5/3/06



Am I your crimson sky
At dawn barely breaking

Am I what you dream of
Deep in the night alone

Because…

You are my twinkling eye
Made of star dust and gold

You’re my knight in ivory
With crooked teeth and all

But…

Am I your drips of joy
That fall in place of tears

Am I your desired one
Whom coos your heart for years

Maybe…

I could be your tiger
And you be my dragon

The earthiness of yin
Balances spirit of yang

At least…

I will be your goddess
Rays of love forth shining

Until I depart from
Everything that I know

Until…

I travel Espana
I will not have known love

And I will not know love
Until I leave my love
---
God this gun is heavy when loaded.

Kindergarten

I dream of candy colored hair ties and paper machè dolls.
I dream of egg salad sandwiches and mouthfuls of tan bark,
I dream of slides, swing sets and tire swings… the best of them all.
I dream of naptime, recess, playtime, and quiet time,
I dream of fat Crayola crayons and tempura paint’s smell,
I dream of Room 2 and Pam Pritchard,
I dream of early and late birds and small yellow school buses,
I dream of memorizing my home phone number and address,
I dream of those big yellow envelopes we used, to take home assignments,
I dream of Sam I Am, See Sam Run and other silly stories I read,
I dream of red-tops and black-tops and rainy days,
I dream of the MP room, motor skills and hopscotch,
I dream of late passes and waiting to be picked up after school,
I dream of felt name tags and fieldtrips,
I dream of the not-mobile library mobile and place tags for the bookshelves,
I dream of innocence and curiosity,
I dream of hopes and ideas,
I dream of fearless action and active fearlessness,
I dream of childhood and family.

And if I dream enough everyday,

I will relive kindergarten.

"According to my psychiatrist...."

I love eavesdropping in coffee shops! The rest of the comment wasn't worthy of note, but that headline perked my ears enough to giggle a bit inside.
*************

I am so eager and slightly impatient about my cross country trek. Hesitant and reluctant that in all this time, I haven't been back to New York. It wasn't that beautiful city that killed me... it was my relationship with D. Our one-sided, partially hazy, very crazy friendship dictated by drugs. But that has passed. And so has the next. Now we just have to enjoy and revel in the newness that each day holds in its potential possibility.

According to my psychiatrist...

It's been raining for days and I need new socks...

It is that time of year when being cooped up in our houses due to inclement weather is the norm. We find there is no end to our creativity because, activities we hadn't desired to pick up begin budding, from dusty corners, into breathtaking blooms. We seek an escape from boredom, and are often filled with a highly anticipated, though unused, whim of whimsicality. Everything we see that whispers spring, we latch on to as if it were Noah's ark sailing towards the warmth and change we desire. (If ever there was a time to allow for waiting... it is now.)

All that being said... I am thoroughly enjoying the wet weather mother nature is treating us to. Those last few sunny days were lovely and unexpected, but Humboldt County ultimately needed to be brought back into nature's natural life.

***I am reminded of the days when the sun shone as it should
and rains fell when due.****

-----------

"Waiting" right now, is pleasurable... reminding me to slow down, appreciate, discover newness within myself. And transform this nettle of angst into a nest of love!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to all my loves, past, present, and future!!!!

In Mendocino and enveloped in warm coffee shop haze. Embracing every ounce of sunshine and content with watery moments I have had in the past few days.

Patrick's Point. Goat Rock. Mendocino Coast.

I am going to miss the mountains I have called home for the past four months. I will always be thankful. I will always remember. I will embrace the change. And hunger for my return.

I am happy.

In a a few moments, I will also be seeing two of my lovely life journeyers. Smiles. And laughter. Brilliance. And fun. Life is good. And I hope I remember this feeling.

New opportunities. Familiar surroundings. Different adventures. Always home.
I look forward to living in the city again, though I hold some reservation to the ease that I will find work. What doesn't happen, is not meant to be. And what does, is just the beginning.

I haven't felt this way since long ago....

Fearing God. Fearing Love. Allowing space for negativity. Trying to attract positivity. Hoping to be positive. Want to find joy again.


I made huge regression last night. Childish behavior. Instinctual, but horribly misplaced. It ended up being a disrespectful and degrading experience. But I am craving attention. I miss love. So I seek it in unhealthy unrealistic ways. I need to keep moving. I can't settle right now. I don't feel settled. And even when I sit quietly, it is unsettling instead of meditative. I like to talk the talk, and often walk the walk, but sometimes I find myself contradicting the Truth that I DO know and am blessed to understand. I feel that I just want to check out! I want to get the fuck out of here. And build my own self. I need expansion. I seek more than what is right here in front of me. I want to keep moving. I learn from every experience, and based on last night, I am reminded why I don't behave the way I did in college. It is not a true expression of all that I believe. I believe in higher heights, clear thinking/intention/communication... I seem to be at a stand still with my communication. Verbalizing my wants/desires/needs have been difficult. I feel like a turtle tucked in it's shell, fearful to open up and be vulnerable. Not actually wanting to be affected pos or neg by others. I am trying to control an uncontrollable destiny. I don't know if missing GG is the reality of my feelings? or only in the forefront of my mind because I'm lonely and a little lost? I am over this running and running of my mind and away from wherever I am. Home is where the heart is. God is within. All we need is love. and at that... Let it be!

what a bore I am

I am bored with waiting. I am bored with life. I am bored with boredom. Thats all for now...

straight on till morning....

New Years wasn't so bad, even though my last post reeked of aloofness. We wandered from park to park, swung on swings, drank plenty of champagne, little bit of crown, went to a really beautiful loft where I ended up taking a cat nap on the couch until my other New Years revelers were ready to go home, at five am. I have come to realize the hype is just that... hype. And even if you pay the high price to be at a swanky gathering or not, the most important thing is to enjoy the company you are with. And celebrate THAT!!!

Now I sit in my parents home, lolly-gagging until my laundry is done. I plan to leave for N. California tomorrow, and I cannot wait, for my pace to slow. More than that, I can't wait to be in a place where my natural pace is not judged as lazy. I am all about being present in my breath, my steps, my interactions, and I feel strongly that that is best achieved in nature. And my drinking tendency will fade, so to my smoking, I hope. I have set these goals to better myself and create clarity where there once was not. Go with the wind, and love yourself, for this is what keeps the world in rotation.

New Years oh, New Years... my thoughts are always mixed about you. What is the hype all for? Year after year it aggrandizes and I feel it is almost too big for its britches now. It's as though this day has been snowballing and now sits in the category of overrated and overly expectatious for awhile now. I don't believe in the delusion that we should have just a few select days to celebrate our happiness/greatness/present. I have learned to embrace everyday of life and so this holiday just doesn't resonate with me the way it does with most. Not to say I think other people shouldn't rock out with their cocks out with exuberance. But for me, at this point in my life, I am purely over the expense, pizazz and more often than not, the let downs. Still I hope for a New Year's kiss with a stranger. ANd not a romantic one, I look forward to connecting with someone well enough, that we can share that quick intimate moment. Ring in the new year anyhow because this day comes but once a year!!!! Just imagine the next one :)

Trapped in Paradise?!!

No better way or place to be snowed in for the holiday than in Portland with good friends. I began this journey with the aimless desire to explore the Pacific Northwest... and have learned that aimless wandering often leads to beautiful discoveries. I am not sad to be missing Christmas with my immediate family. I am eager to experience a new Christmas with folks that have always been a bit bohemian in lifestyle and choices. This is the creative flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants that I have yearned for, and only sometimes do I question my validity in this community. My hippieness that I have cultivated for so many years, is tested. Am I able to bring together that community I seek? I am searching for the truth and the proof that I am viable and important enough to reside in the nest of good people. I have always claimed a seperateness from my family, and now that I am physically apart from the family I force myself to be different from, I want them to know how grateful I am to have them and be a part of them. This is a White Christmas like I have never known, and it is frigid, only because I create this reality. I have been needing to open up my heart, forgetting my insecurities, and blossom wherever I lay my head. I am hoping for a splendidly warm, enchantingly quiet, Christmas. I will miss my parent's cooking though. And as soon as I can leave Portland I will. Seattle is an amazing city, and San Francisco, too small, Portland, a wee bit too quiet. I have retreated, and am now eager for that connection. I should call my old love... GG.

robinhood theory.

Thinking about GG right now. Wanting to call him and give the "do you still love me or not" ultimatum . Pathetic yeah?? Well, Am I hungry or ginger in feeling?

Sorry about for ditching you last night. I feel kind of guilty that I chose a Party over hanging out with you. But I wanted to go to Bohemian Carnival and expected to enjoy it, the whole experience ended up being underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time... if you know what I mean. That was a selfish thing to do.

regress, that was the word.

I'm out of ideas, so I will wait until something tells me what to do.
[pulls me elsewhere].

I am definitely just running away from something.

These are my 25cents.

and this is my robinhood theory.

Manifest-oh!

Tons of folks looking to move to SF, and I am feeling torn between doing just that, staying here, and travelling on. I need a bit more work to make it feasible to move. I still don't have enough for a month's rent, deposit and some extra cash to sit comfortable. I may have to wait until January. Living with Serra sounds amazing though, I wish I could bust my butt and get a move on. Where is my money going? Where will it end up? How can it happen faster. I have a dream of my life and I float through it like a spirit. Just another month or so of work. It would be nice to be there for the holidays though. I am here to work and then continue on, wherever that may be. I think I will enjoy going to SF for Thanksgiving... maybe my creative streak will come back. I really would love to live with Serra! Let me manifest a place to live in SF in January with Serra!

WHat oh shit! What did I just write? Live in SF? I haven't thought about that seriously. We'll see at Thanksgiving time...

much love! I'll be a better writer later!

man= tower

The night the man burned was like the tower card being pulled.
or rather,
the meaning of the tower card, old ways/understandings/truths being broken down allowing for newness. was epitomed the night the man burned.
the man burning was my visual of the tower falling down... and I didn't even really pay attention. but in retrospect, I see.

rambling stream amongst boulders of boundaries... making peace where I flow.

Life has changed that is for sure. No comfort of security. Well atleast not the usual creature comforts that a "normal" citizen might expect, like their own home. A steady job. A significant other. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I love it. But truthfully I am sitting idly in the mountains until another friend has a home that can take me in. What am I really doing? Truth. Lies.

It just got really loud in this coffee shop and I am disturbed. I need the peace and quiet that is usually reserved for the wilderness.

I had alot of thoughts running through my head and then a tweaker sucked them from me by just being in same area.
----

My journey is going as planned as long as I maintain the belief that what I have chosen is the route that is in tune with the universe. Speaking of universes... I need to call Suze. I want to stay here awhile until I make enough money to have some for a deposit on a place. I can write like I want to. My mind is everywhere, backtracking and thinking too far ahead. That I am finding it hard to just sit and be present enough to get these emotions and realities on the page. I have got to start writing more, by hand or not. Poetry has not been spoken by me recently enough. But I am still a poet. This is the time that I am observing, not yet understanding what I have been shown, but in time I will be able to express all that has transpired in this lovely moment of time I call "my life".

just a hot-air-balloon-ride away, from love...

I was not planning on breaking up with GG and that threw me for a spin, post BM. But I feel like we can figure it out while I am away. I can always come back, and/or move forward, which is why I am discovering new places. I love to be everywhere I am. Emotionally and physically. Oops though, I think I outed BonBon's truth. Let's discover all the pink heart shaped balloons that float into our view, and grab hold for a ride!!!

"Buy the ticket, take the ride" -Hunter S. Thompson

idle upheaval... a conundrum!

I am sad today. Again. I am sad to be leaving all that I have loved and grown together with. The city, my friend, my boyfriend. I am taking off for another trip of my lifetime and I am still wanting to feel anchored. I am not ready to be set free. I need to sit with my freedom, and that leads to too much thought and wondering. What is right?????

I know my path is different. I know it is not what most do. Those facts I am okay with. GG said that his relationships always "end". And mine do to, because in the past I have abandoned those people and situations that force me to see my own mistakes. I have never felt the desire to fight for my love with anyone else, as much as I want to fight for my love and relationship with GG, although I know he is maybe not in a place to fight for my love. He might want to, though I have no concrete knowledge that that is true. I loved him! I liked him! I was joyous with him. Until one nanosecond of our relationship was difficult, and we both pulled away. (Well, I really did put forth an effort to talk about it, and he wasn't in a space to do this) I want what I can't have. I'd feel foolish if I demanded it again. He might just be missing me in his life, and that is why now he is reaching out. I don't think I can do that. I am deeply in love with him. I am deeply affected everytime we hang out, in good ways and bad. I want to lay down with him, and just sleep. I want to fall into his breath. I also know that if I do this, it will make my leaving harder on me. I will feel that anchored weight and inability to move forward wherever I find myself. I am anxious and eager to chill in the woods with my old friends. Maybe a little curious how it will be for all of us up there. I have spent little time with them in recent years, but know that our friendship is deeply rooted in compassion. Amidst all obstacles, we will always be there for eachother, and if I could decide if I wanted to be with or without GG, I could help myself, others, and they in turn could help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is always light. I KNOW that! But I am suddenly in confusion- I want GG to open up to me, I want to open up again to him, but I am leaving. Which might be a good thing. Now is not the time to refresh these feelings. I am thankful that he apologised for his lack of selflessness at BM. Am I here again? Expecting? Placing too much pressure on our interactions? No. I just need some comfort and I want to ask him for it. I feel unstable right now-- the underlying factor is my upheaval from my home. I decided to move out, sometimes rashly I think, but that was the decision I made, and I have done the bulk of it, so there is no option, but to go with it. Cause--Effect. Action--Reaction. Point--Direction.

The dear old doggbone, I love you! I have had so many great times within your walls. I have laughed and cried, and smiled again, under your roof. And found a safe and warm cocoon from the city, inside your belly. I have learned compassion and creative clowning, the art of spliff rolling and necessity of dance parties, the importance of being earnest in all capacities of life. I've found comfort in my sensuality, explored my sexuality, and dealt with many men, realtionships and breakups, and also found my true communion with the universe. For all of this and the skill you have at withstanding the great winds of change both inside the flat and outside the building, I thank you for giving me a wonderful home to revel in. You are a great container of my universe!! Doggbone Love!

So after all this, I remember that change is the only sure thing, and I cannot control that. I have a few things still to take care of that are within my realm, and then I will see more clearly. I just want to be settled. And I will be. Settled on the road of life. Take THAT feeling of chaos!!!

what it was and always will be!

Burning Man was wild and a true test of my abilities... in the high desert for a month and a half, working really hard - up with the sunrise, hard labor all day, lots of laughter among great friends, amazing art and lots of dust! I surprised myself with my own capabilities of providing and survival... I learned a lot about people, communicating and myself. I have come back stronger, inspired, and changed of course. Definitely a stepping stone onto more great things...

awake now...

Another day has passed too quickly and the new one does not arrive fast enough. I tossed and turned lastnight in a confusion of consciousness. Awaiting today (I am moving out) and fretting about yesterday's waste of time. I decided to go out and grab a mimosa with friends, but they're carry too much drama in their hearts right now, and with all of us together kind of a sinkhole or a quicksandish mudhole of energy is cycled. I am looking for upliftment. I have enough self-sorrow right now. Well, not that much right at this moment :) But then I came home to get back to my task at hand, and was distracted by my roomates and talk over wine. *pinch* I am moving I realize today, heavy furniture, but I already feel lighter. Clearer. Like it has already happened. I must have dreamt about it last night. I am eager for the next moment in my time.

SOS.

I woke up today feeling shitty, sad, and scared. I have sudden doubts about my immediate path. I don't want to move and I feel as though I am running from good things, though a few bad as well. I don't want to be in the city, I don't want to be here.... I am not ready to end up anywhere. And I will say it again, I am not ready to end up anywhere. Although I have said that before. I am scared about moving, and physically getting everything out of my house in time. I am nervous about the change, I don't want to arrive up north in an emotional depression. I want to feel happiness and love within my heart. And share that outward. I know the nature will be good for my soul. But I cannot just put off the inevitable, which is-- what will I do after? Where will I end up? How much can I make? Who still is with me? Learning to love yourself in every way at every instant is the lesson in life we must continually struggle with. I don't want to call everybody with bad news or feelings, but if that is what I am feeling, it should be addressed. And I don't need answers, but I just need an ear. I am scared. I am sad, about GG, I am wishing for the strength of my character, to move past this and find the love I seek in my own heart, so that wherever I go is home. But I don't understand what I like to do, and how I will survive without my knowledge of that and without goals to guide me. I am once again in a limbo. Idle waiting for the wind/road to take me where it pleases. Am I prepared to leave the city?????? Show me a sign please.

what I am to you... (written with an ego and a broken heart)

I asked you what I was to you
You said someone beautiful and dear

I asked you what I was to you
And maybe I wasn’t very clear

This is something new for me
I don’t share my heart with men

This is something new for me
To want you more than I’ve been fed

And I don’t know that that is what I need right now
But it is the hopelessness I feel

Like once again I find myself here
Alone and tired in a world very real

I asked you what I was to you
And you said an inspiring spirit, your muse

I asked you what I was to you
And your answer turned this poem into the blues

This is something new to me
To be uplifted by a man

This is something new to me
And I didn’t say it as clear as I can

It is crystal what it is right now
Just a means to an end

And I sit one more time in limbo
Holding my heart out to mend
----

I wrote this in May 2005 about Jason, but it reminds me of today.

burning man musings... Aug 2008

walking to the moon on slip shiny shoes
breaking up ground that sings a silent sound
swimming through ponds of beauty and zealousness
I am beginning to feel jealousness.
(re:silly)
----

hearing things out of place
the wind hums past my waist
and I am lost
seeking light
but feeling so so so dark.

----

there was a time when bees flied longer than it takes for arms to circle around
and moons glowed like cantalope and fuschia beacons of light stood like giraffes
there have been moments like this before
only entirely different than this.

and finally there was no sound only vibration.
----

dirt beneath our feet
we walk in packs
social
we build shelters
useful
we trade coins
and feather up the nest.
----

I'll tell you what...

Open the window and let in the light that seeks to warm your soul
Close the doors that let in the draft
expose your heart so it sunbathes in the glow of angels
and imagine all truths, even truth in lies

Redefine your power out loud and patiently enjoy the divine energies that surround your life
wait for the phone call
the door bell
the next step

and recieve it
however uncomfortable it might feel at first
nestle into the desire
revel in the flames of fire
dare to go higher
lighter
farther
martyr

don't wait for the hand to feed you
feel your hand instead dig to the roots
wear boots
and work for it
you're made for it
you've trained for it
time you own up to it

forgive the angry paths that have left you feeling battered
tattered
un inspired
and float where the winds sail you
sail away with them
they will take you to higher ground
there you will discover all the sound
you hoped you found
in past tenses
in dusty tents-es
new deserts are made
old woods are saved
and faith is in every ounce of love
ingrained
more made
save
for
GG

breathe in
let go
travel far
seed and sow
reap the beauty from all interactions
don't weep from dissatisfaction
protect the minor infractions
that you may have made
fight for the love that you require
and discover all the underside love letters
hidden in so many souls.

this is nonsensical...

I dream of dreams...

When I thought the world was over, I discovered a painted window.
I crawled through to see the other side and began tumbling down a wormhole.
The vortex dropped me disoriented and abused, but in a green valley.
The valley suddenly altered its vision of itself, and dried up to resemble mars.
so I climbed skyward to see another perception.
Perplexed I sat because I couldn't decipher what the shifty clouds were hiding
I strained my eyes to see the truth that lay at my feet.
I sought even higher to clear the fog from my breath
and was pleasantly duped into believing that was my last step.
So I climbed still higher, seeking that which I couldn't see, but believed.
And stranger still, I stumbled across a deserted desert.
I sat and meditated on my breath, life, and wonders, until out of the burning shrub
an elvin figure appeared. 'Take to the woods' he said, "It is your time again"
"See all you wish in the dark shadows of the monsters, but seek your quiet peace amongst friends"
"There has been enough muddling of thought amongst the painted flowers, and the lasers of planetary faith."
"Go North" he said,
and with that I leaped off the sitting black rock and dove into medusa once again,
falling into my painted window, and into a warm home and bed.

THE END (for now)

Trying to stay warm... so I write: It's my Pony Ride!

It's an Irish coffee kind of afternoon
I think as I watch my foggy city's moon
rise and fall towards sleep
what has changed is everykind of weather
for everyone's better
'it will never be different again'
and it will always remain in locked hearts
allowing for fresh starts
apricot tarts
don't feign affection
seek your unique perfection
alone, in groups, all around
many things I don't mind
many things I seek to find
focus on the point/s
resonate with the hip joint
grey clouds roll thick like a cover
sun peeks like an undercover lover
he lives vivaciously
she curves libaciously
i love your majesty
darkness blurs the light into a muddled glow of angels
and I am found embracing dusty memories
in same bedroom corners, my own little chairs
show me the stairs
show me the light
I believe in my loving truth
not everything is smooth
new ideas are convincing until
old trappings turn into lovely revivals
my heart stumbles
my heart soars
my heart weeps
my feet sleep
my mind awakens
my soul is taken
wound up
wrung out
hung out
too dry
feel renewed
clean and clear
with the lingering feeling that I almost drowned
with little recollection of how I was found
and again my heart abounds
I will manifest joy and discovery with all souls now!


*this is not nonsense. this is my twenty five cents*

*buy the ticket, take the ride*

My tainted love vision (We all want more)

Wasting away in delusional delights
Waiting in vain for illusion elights.
I am alone but unified.
My balance clearly certified.
I have love and I have hate.
friends vs. mate(s)

Awakened
Rewarded
Mis-taken
Avoided

GG is me me
Me free like a bee
But stung on my heartdrum
Much like a mum.

At a crossroad and awaiting the mission
so creatively disguised as a decision
for my tainted love vision.

I am once again jaded
but I've made it thus far
Once again I am waiting
for a love filled honey jar

I want more I implore!


{{ also 'painted love vision' sounds nice. }}

rough roads we have to walk along...

Seeking enlightenment with my feet planted firmly on the ground.
Hoping for love to happen, but unable to force the energy that is not easily willed.
Knowing what is needed, and able to ask for it, but not being answered in the way that is desired.
I know what I have to do, I know what I expect of myself, I know the Truth.]
It stares me in the eyes but feels so out of reach.
I am renewed, aware, and eager. Well taken care of, by myself, and by my extended family.
But the man I love is on a downward spiral, though he thinks he is finding enlightenment.
All being, is being all. And awareness of all things surrounding one.
The path is lit, there are guides on every corner, and the mind is ever powerful.
I pray that he sees the light in his ways, and comes to terms with what he has done, or not.
And heals himself mentally, physically, spiritually. I pray he slows down and sobers up.
And I pray his wisdom comes swiftly.
I love him. And knows he loves me. I hope he loves himself enough to realize the direction of his way.
He has powers, he has strength, he has diligence. May he exercise those attributes with honor and virility,
He is a beauty. He is amazing. I hope he makes someone happy! I hope he gains honorable control!

But I wouldn;t change a thing about our experience, because every blessed moment was aligned, and every thought and feeling I had was genuine. I believe one day we both will recognize that. And appreciate that. And feel the warmth from that.

I love you GG!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not quite ready to write about my experience, but to feel it is to know it. I express my gratitude and thanks to the Burning Man community, DPW, Cobra, Firestarter, Bunnie, Serra, and the folks from Sparseland for the most wonderful and loving welcome home!!!
and then back to my home again!!
I am home. It is blissful!!

The sun has begun to stretch its arms of warmth
and we too begin our journey across the sky

the walls of the past are dissolving
like snowflakes in palms of hands

new avenues are unfolding
cities are rebuilt nowhere and everywhere

there is always warmth in the heart
and always the cold rush from the winds of change

know your strengths
know your perfect path is now

remember what you yourself does greatly
and flourish the way dandelions gently do

prepare for your grand challenger's arrival
and grow roots to withstand the storm

the bridges upon great divides are swaying
and the oceans taunt the crosser
replete with love
containing no remorse

I challenge you to walk the highwire
and dive into medusa's exotica

Come with me..

What is next is pushing the pull, and pulling the push. Take it with me. Flow with it. Visualize it. Experience it. Wherever it leads/takes me it will be forward. Onward. Upward. To enlightenment. Love. I love you! No fear, instead power.

arrivals and departures.... and more arrivals...

Arrive where you are. Look around at what you have created. Revel and reside in it. This is home. Here. Now. Present presence. Beautiful ideas. Creative constructs. Delicious dopiness. Strong will. Female. Powerful! Angels sing you to sleep. Wake you with kisses. You may ruin moments, but will do better from now on. But don't get caught up in the future. Look to what is right in front of you, because that is the real existance and experience. It is staring you in the face. It is mirroring your smile. Your eyes. Yourself. Embrace it. Embrace him. Embrace your heart. Then share it. Wear it. Bare it. Gotta love it!

Mysterious fish, where do you disappear to? Where do you go? Do you go inside? To your heart. The heart baby! The love, it's in you baby! It is you! You are love! Loved! Loving! Lovely!

Paint the things you've dreamt. Dream things you've yet to see! And live to paint!

Open your thoughts to GG. Balance the truth with truth! It can be done. It will be done. As it was done before. By you!

edited: I live/love in an earthquake state...

Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be distracted along the way.
Keep them closed, and signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves mourn.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.

As the world turns...

the universe opens!
And peace is found in the tranquility of chaos.
Because there IS tranquility amongst chaos.
Let yourself feel it.
Let your light shine so the others in the dark feel the warmth from your breast
Without them having to be there with you.
To look at you.
They'll see you.
You'll see them.

I want to look at you
in you
around you
love you
move you
romance you
entrance you
I'm talking to you
Can't you see?
Do you see yourself?
Do you see?

Seething teeth and wild emotions
can cause a headache
but the beauty after the pain is recognized and
dutifully awaited for whilst always moving forward, with it, in it.
Taste it!
Revel in it!
Bedazzle it!
Become who you are!
Live for yourself so others may live for you.
Love yourself so others may love you!
Share the love.
Experience the love.
Delve into the love!
Delve!
Delve!
Delve!
Love!
Love!
Love!

And off we go....

I live in the earthquake state...

Insecurities are beginning to reveal themselves. Or ingrain themselves. Get out! Shut up! I want to enjoy the unfolding of every day. Recieve it like an unexpected package. Sealed with a kiss from wax lips. I need to regain my worth, I want to know my strength. And show my love I can love. Me. Him. You. Us. I am my own love, I wouldn't be created/I wouldn't exist if I didn't love myself. I mean in a micro and macro evolution way. I couldn't be the light I am if I didn't have love for myself. And according to the string theory, or how I percieve the string theory to work, I wouldn't exist with out the binding that love allows us to fall into. A suspension created by the push and pull of energy. Pureness. Joy. Sadness. Balance. Balance is created by the counteractive movement amongst similar moving elements. Every action has a reaction.... wait, science won't help me explain this thought.

Sometimes I am afraid that there is one thing I'll do, that will make VV not love me. I want to be secure in myself enough to realize that only I can change this prophecy. Snide comments hurt my feelings. I am thankful to have a few moments to be with myself. Our relationship has been so intense and constant since we met, that I have had little time to step away and ask myself if this is what I want. Sitting here, I am confident that he, and this, iS what I want, but my fear remains in my past experiences, me constantly saying "I don't know how to do this!" I am not romantic enough, does he like romance even, what can I do to be better. I feel like what I have to give right now is not enough. This is why I need to approach it in a new way that expresses my own self love. I don't have time to hang out with my friends, because he plans in so much advance, that when I find out things that are going on with my people, I am already booked. I want to share him with my life. Or rather, I want to share my life with him. And I haven't quite found that balance yet. I need to balance/smooth/create my new relationship with St. I suppose I didn't have time to do that. We were not coordinating and not communicating effectively and then he left for the weekend, and then all fell into place naturally. But unfortunately left St. out of the loop. Sometimes, you have to know when to stay or go. And he goes. And I stayed. 'And that has made all the difference.'

Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be pleased and distracted along the way.
Keep them closed and the signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves cry.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.

----
Well, he went. I stayed. Now he is staying. And I am off.
Stagnant vs. life
later vs now

If only he knew. If only I could explain. Do I need to explain? Can I explain? I am in it, the way a diving bell suspends in the ocean, and it suspends the divers life. I am bouyant. I am filled. I have the breath that gives life. I give life. I am life. But is that enough for love. (Or replace all those 'life's with 'love' and that 'love' with 'life')

Not even a full month, and I feel like my life has been taken over. I am trying to integrate it. I want to be a person who is happy in a relationship. Instead of feeling tied down, always on someone else's schedule, I want to plan my own schedule, and feel as though the hot air balloon is always lifting. Opening new views, exploring everywhere, tasting everything, being all and all being. I am me. Love.

----
I am done.

Guitar strings stroked by sunburnt hands...

makes hot music.

and my dreams were whisked away by reality...

Facing the music in dance livity
Walking shoulder to shoulder in this city
Thoughts are spoken inevitiably
And we bloom radiantly.

Days spent smiling.
In comfort
in embrace
in good company
in this rat race.

Nothing is lost,
the way is just beginning to be lit
lamp by lamp
the darkness fades
and we breathe light.

Beauty is exposed for all that it isn't
and is
And unfurls it's warm embrace for us to feel.

((And my dreams were whisked away by reality))

My feet began this journey
trudging the deep dark streets
And I will walk forward to seek what I cannot see, but I know/believe.

My hair is only exterior.

Good things come to those that wait... really.

VV!

Love has a funny way of spilling over when you think you've had too much.
Or not enough.

The sun is always shining.
God is in your own heart.
Guides are on every corner.
Lives are simply lived.
Kisses freely given.
I love.

my dreadlocks...

People love them. But do I ????

Do I love the attention I get for them? Do I ask for the attention I get for them. Do I want dreads anymore? Because I am about to cut them off! I was a kid when I started them. And I have changed so much. And they have changed so much. Have they changed me that much? Do they change me that much? It is good energy in one aspect and a cummulation of bad energy in another. People change their hair so frequently yet I have stayed the same. I have been trying to maintain this hippielook for years, always worrying if this or that make me look hippie enough. Its in you or it isn't. It isn't something you can put on. And I do feel beautiful with them, but they are beginning to affect my back and neck, my scalp, and even my vanity.

Help!

My back hurts. I need a massage. I want to cut my hair. I should go to the doctor.

---

Getting along in the wild dervish of a city. Stringing straight steps with puddle pirouettes. The ground is cold and my feet ache. Trudging up memories and dusty bunnies in dirty street corners. Its not even like that. It is so much more than that.

---

A storefront blooms radiantly.
A child smiles with glee.
People are drinking tea.
Jasmine breathes sweetly.
Kites floating for all to see.
I wish it was me.

---

The Sun rays fall on a Monday
Leaving whispers of warmth between my toes
I begin to feel the Moon rays of a Tuesday
And I can't seem to pile on enough clothes.

I've checked the face on every hour
As if time wouldn't pass me by
And I feel choked by numerous choices
and left behind by those moving ahead

Isn't this all natural
the way things are supposed to be
the way things have evolved to be

This is me, if I want to take it. THis is beautiful. I am going to make it. And I thank you. And I hope to meet you. And I am happy to be me. So for now that is what I will be. I have got to start a project in September. SHit! I have got to start a project now.

It was a mere thought
a twisted plot
engaging to hear
but came with a sneer

Encouraged openess
oneness
love your sis
play this

it was then, the music became an emotion and filled everyone up.
Filled some with joy.
filled some with noise.
and some with dirty thoughts.

Clean is supreme.
dreams are not just dreams.
and Jah is something(one who) you live(s).
------

It was when looks turned to stares.
they
undressed me.
carressed me.
messed me.

it was when I opened myself up I was hurt.
they
judged me.
didn't hug me.
left me.

it was when friends hated me.
they
pitied me.
needed me.
smothered me.
I couldn't be me.

clowns surrounded me.
beats flowed through me.
dancehall womanized me.
irealized the woman in me.

it was then music became meaning.
i
danced.
entranced.


so then the music became my beacon.
my portal.
my sort of.
out of body therapy.

none and then some....

precocious..
calliope..
buzzing..
bee..
it's finally me..

budding..
flower..
living..
goddess..

eloquent..
essense..
rhyming..
timing..

unforgettable..
forgetful..
remember..
this..

moment..
omen..
space..
place..

entity..
molecule..
frozen..
embryo..

not mine..
divine..
powers..
that be..

it's in me..
i am she..
she is he..
te he he..

a mans mind and a womans body..
have that reeling feeling..
soaring..
heights..

flights..
drives..
kites..
pink heart shaped balloons..

funny cartoons..
singing in tune..
believing whats said..
thinking with the head..

more appropriate..
swinging in beds..
sleeping instead..
needing meds..

vitameatavegiman..
bacon..
liver from chicken..
allergies..

calliopes..
exctasy..
mushrooms..
fun rooms..

arts..
parts..
carts..
ivys..

lively..
jively..
blindly..
remarkably..

rumi inspired- take what is in my hand...

I am not a robot
but understand the mechanics of life
and the funneling of cattle
its a battle with yourself
against others with no cause
no laws
no cares of unity
only deconstuct everything
I am indestructable
pay a high price for love
life long deductible
give me nothing but the best
if you have the greatest looking hand in the world
I'd take that.

I am young!

Eager for truth
Yearning for love
Happy in the moment
Complacent about the future

I hope good things come forth
for you
for me
for all

I am a cornball
stringing sentences together like spiders spin webs
maybe a little less complex
I am an egress

I am a wolf
I am an owl
I am a deer
Now you see my tears
my exuberance
my inbetween yellow dream.

I am home
I am away
I am in the bustle created right outside my door
I more.

I am a lady
I am a baby
I am a grown woman
I am an enthusiastic human.

I like the stars
I love/hate my car
I am open for the sun's shine
I wait in line.

Wanting peace
Wrapping my mind around astronomical thought
bebop
hiphop

Roots gyal
beats fell
at my sunburnt feet
and I listened

and I paid attention to signs
rhymes
and rythyms
till my legs walked on their own

right into a rocksteady reggae system
a family mission
on the road to organized religion
it sounds good though

as if the smoke had cleared
and it was too near
to me, my body, my issues

Then the lights came up
Introducing, theatrics
funny antics
clown fantastics

and it was community
unity
eccentricity
travelling city to city

biddy diddy
oompahpah
tra la la
la la dee dum dum

I am happier than a sum
more equal than a mum
divided by my thumbs
and heart strums.

I am young!

(little fishy...hehe)

∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß



∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙

(little fishy...hehe)

∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞


feelings on the wayward side
shut like a door
outside (inside)
in the cold (it's cold)
miserable winter

the leaves have fallen
the bark is bitter
so are my thoughts

wind through my knits
thick knee high socks
i'd like the wind to loosen my knots

i'd like time to stop it's watch
so i'd stop looking for it
passing it
and still waiting for it

i wish time would stop
so i'd have too much
and not know what to do with it

i don't know what to do with it
or mine
but i know there is enough

i've got to stretch my legs and out my arms
to grab hold of something
someone
love

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3




I have to learn how to hug and love myself, before i can give to someone else. and I keep asking myself, why don't I love myself enough to open up to someone and give them attention and a large part of myself that I know is beautiful. I am alot of things, but I It seems like I am living falsely recently. To people, I've maintained major distances. And show them very little of who I am. To potential new friends and even to my closest, oldest friends. I need to stop feeling ashamed for not being in a relationship. And not feel embarrassed when I am hanging out with couples, and arrive at events solo. I'm going to have that time. In the meantime, I am going to take a class at city college. and tackle my other obstacle of social situations. blah blah blah. I do love myself. I just don't know what to do with my life, what direction to go in, or where to be settled. Within and out.


p.s. uber dork out with the little hearts and fish banners. hahaha

and then there was one...

I don't ever know where to begin, but today I will start here. I want to write but my thoughts are muddled. Or the thought pulsing through my thinking muscle is not connecting with the nerves underneath the padded tips of my fingers. They feel like marshmallows. I forget quickly what I have to say and my right hand stumbles over to the erase button often. My emotions have been hiding, but I know something stirs within. There has always been something. Listless or not. My soul feels alot. And that is why it is hard for me to write.


My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.


But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We are bound to bridge a gap with openness. blah blah blah....

So many changes happen within.

I don't ever know where to begin, but today I will start here. I want to write but my thoughts are muddled. Or the thought pulsing through my thinking muscle is not connecting with the nerves underneath the padded tips of my fingers. They feel like marshmallows. I forget quickly what I have to say and my right hand stumbles over to the erase button often. My emotions have been hiding, but I know something stirs within. There has always been something. Listless or not. My soul feels alot. And that is why it is hard for me to write.


My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.


But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We will bridge a gap of thought with openness. blah blah blah....

Things are just things...

and emotions are frivilous when spent on silly things.

And dishonesty and disbelief will ruin any relationship standing atop these things and emotions.

Watch out for lovesickness. It comes up from behind and throws a sack over your eyes.

Don't fall into every folly. It may reduce you to a fool.

Forget about me. What about you?

I'm gonna forget about you. And remember me.

I will live for me and see you on the hither side.

Things are just my imagination.

Imagine.

Have You Been?

I have been swimming through the avenues of colorful cities,
Keeping my eyes on what's concealed by the ebonys and navys.

I have been dreaming of far off places accessable only by pink heart shaped balloons,
Where the answers to all my truths have yet to be explained.

I have been seeking impenetrable souls who radiate an openess likened to celophane papers,
Once seen, begin to melt into a jimbojambo little boy sambo swirl.

I have been waking up on the cliffside, hand outstretched,
Lifting my own heart to the top of the hill where yours waits indefinitely.

I have been flying between the pillars of hope called evergreens,
Zipping past the watering holes of patience that are dry no more.

I have been digging tunnels to china with little more than a teaspoom,
And I cannot dream of stopping even when the bicycles and rice paddies are reached.

I have been hopscotching over chalk lines for more freetime fun,
Pleasing oceans of ages of dreamers of love

I have been gliding across ballrooms
Taking time to learn intricate footwork that walks you across life

I have been allowed chances to feel the light between my toes sparkle
And the devoir to share that shine outward

WORDS...

I need some words. I need a dictionary to fall out of my mind and onto the flat white page. I want to tell a story with a little more than an essay, but my mind has been frozen, the river [of logic] dried up. Or maybe I keep telling myself that over and over, like the way a voice echoes in a canyon.
I am finding my voice. The sound that has eluded me for quite some time is beginning to roar within the space between my ears. The machine that cranks out senseless fragments and coherent paragraphs is churning and breathing zealousness into my frontal lobe… where my thinking is at it’s best.

religious in the moment

There is something to religious music. I mean music of all kinds. From reggae music to christian hymns to new christian rock to chanting of indian or african healing circles. They all come down to faith and praise of what you will be given. The belief that this is the way and everything is sacred, the people you encounter, the moments of grace you receive, the discourse you maintain with another filling you with knowledge. It is all held in the future.

In THE SECRET, they talk about the visualization/manifestation of your thoughts. Of knowing that these things that you want or seem to be 'lacking' will be attracted to you if you radiate that positive energy of having it/deserving it/already personifying/embodying it. A true act of power by thought.

with the past comes great wisdom

I came across a funny website, futureme.com, you can post an email and set the date of delivery to 20+ years in the future. I kept mine within two years and this is what I wrote to myself:

---------------------
Dear FutureMe,

This is a funny website. And I only came here to remind you of that day you were lonely and bored so you called the ex (it was a Friday) and then he, and sometimes you, kept rearranging the plans so FOUR days later you found yourself waiting around again for him to call (it's now Monday). Think back to all the times this has happened before. And with others too? Ultimately, don't spend your life waiting around for anybody. Grab the reins of life and fly on sista... you are a beautiful goddess full of delight. And you are keeping somebody waiting. And with that... she called him.

Love, yourself

ps. Happy Birthday Girlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------

I thought it had some funny lines so I wanted to post it here.

My life is so boring, that I am too bored to post...

I was just reading old blogs from three years ago, when I realized that it was senseless and I might as well write another blog so in three years I can find myself reading this one. Bleh... boring thought. And a sidenote, my English has begun to suck. At some point I decided to use less vocabulary and keep repeating the same words over and over again. Maybe that is why I haven't felt like blogging recently. I still don't feel like blogging. But I promise tomorrow morning I will wake up and write a positively juicy and exciting post.

I haven't been so public about things recently. Have you noticed? But I could update abit. I am doing alright. On a plateau... but not one that will change to a low or a high in a matter of hours. I am working in the city (the smaller one so I will not capitilize). I am working at a 'safe' restaurant. And playing my life really slow and at times lame. But I have needed it. This job has opened things up for me... my housesitting gigs... the ablility to try living in the city before actually having to. You know me, I find balancing my dreams on the same wire as daily life boggling. And right now I am entertaining the idea that I may just want to stay mobile/unattached. I'd like to hook up more housesitting gigs. So I can save and take off. But I begin to feel the itch of taking off and not knowing what awaits, but jumping of the ledge, so to speak. And I wonder if I'd be strong enough to do it again, not the travel part, but quitting the job. Or taking off the time to travel. I could go to Mexico/Belize in two weeks. Couldn't I. Could I find a travel partner? I don't need a boyfriend, but a travel partner. A partner in life. I need companionship again. Remember when I said all this before, this time it isn't in a deperately desiring way. But I want companionship. It is comforting to have a shared environment. Soon come, Jah will bring love to my life. And I wish I could chill with M and J... don't apologize to me for that. They treat ms like a baby. So I have to ask myself, do I act like one? No. Hell no. I don't. I am real with them. I need to feel the real from their hearts. And not their heads that tell them... play real. act natural. pretend to be honest. I will learn the hard way, I will open to them so they open to me. I willbe humble and not think twice of what I say or write. I love you. I love her. I love him, I really do. I am falling of the fine wire, I am stumbling, not in life but in this ost. So I will put the keys to rest. Peace. Love. Livity.

...poem for a fool...

The words you fear, I will not say
But the feeling will be there.

Even though my mouth cannot speak the ideas aloud
You will see the truth in my eyes.

You will know the very thought I am concealing.
Only to avoid embarrassment, I play a fool.

night and day

----
At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up,
And wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.
----

it's WAY too early... and I should be in bed

I am not sure where to begin, so I will let my finger glide over the keyboard and have my mind... ... ... get stuck. I am at a much better mental place then I was during the last post. I have a positive outlook on the immediate future and the susequent job prospects. And as far as creativity goes, I just cranked out a bunch of collages and one or two poems. I am feeling full. Which is awesome, because the feeling I was having was that of a dried up river bed thirsty for some water to flow through her vein.


One of my really good friends from college just had a baby. She is incredible. The mom. And she is adorable. The baby. And I am so fucking happy for them!! And my other friend is engaged. He is a sweetheart. The fiance.
Yup, it seems to be about that time. That time when all the couples begin to move on to more adult realities. And the single ones are feeling the pressure. It is like the peer pressure one might feel to lose their virginity. Only I don't feel it directly. And I don't know how to finish this thought...

------

I realize the lessons I learned while in Spain more every day. I didn't truly know what I was supposed/had to gain until after Reggae on the River. I came back full of memories and rejuvenated, but at the same time I was confused and lost at what I was expected to do next.

The sweet echo of mindfulness that the crickets reverberate are a song of peace to me.

I don't remember the last time i wrote something meaningful... to you or myself. My mind has been in La La Land. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and the choices are plentiful but vastly different. I hope for a light heart and spirit and properly following, mind. I am just an idiot when it comes to maintaining relationships. For no other reason than my unconscious goodwill to fuck things up right when they are going smooth. I love the ladies. But for some inexplicable reason, shit is awkward. They open up to me and I cannot tell a wilt of my life for fear of being judged or discarded in the 'not cool enough' pile. It was not always like this... in fact, it has never been like this. I have lost my semblence of selfconfidence, and I don't have a clue where I left it. I have always been overly sure of myself and taking chances for the pure joy in the unexpected/unknown... and somewhere between the City and now I was led astray. I might blame JP. I might blame the City experience. But that is old news, and JP is just an ex. And neither take into account my resolve to divide myself from all things local and comfortable... They feel stale. I have a stale mind right now. I need a fresh flow of energy and a new extracurricular activity. Or I will go insane. I know if I told the ladies that I wanted to do, they'd be behind me 110%. Which is beautiful and there should be more blessed people that share love as freely as they do. But I would begin to feel like a failure if i didn't follow through. I associate school with failure. And I expect to fail out, because that is all I have known and expected before. What is that called when you look at things in that way... self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I believe that that is the way it may go, that is the way it will go.. I need a positive outlook on things as simple as that. I am radiating negative energy and I am not about that at all. But I feel the radiation. I feel it before others point it out to me. And I know other people feel it because they point it out to me. Light. Love. Livity. And all things good. There are blessed goddesses at every interval of life and there are gods walking right next to them.. Do not forget the balance.. Share yourself for balance.

---

It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...

an internet cafe somewhere in Europe

I arrived safely and even had an airport greeting with a colorful handpainted sign! I am spending this week in Madrid, and plan to move on to the northwest of España soon after that. My friend and her boyfriend have been so gracious to show me around and meet for lunch/drinks/etc. This trip is already going good. I can only imagine what is to come and lightly plan the future. But I believe when I am at the end of my vacation I will be in a different mundstate than I have felt this past year and have comfort in knowing where my home is... and it most likely will be in SF. I wish my thoughts were more profound right now(I always say that), maybe I will attempt an entry later on, after the jetlag has worn off. I still feel slightly groggy and disoriented but a few days should change all that. I will post a modified play by play soon... even if you don´t want to hear it...

ciao

another 'bit' that are not my own lyrics, though I wish they were...

i knew it was you who sent the
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."

i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little

because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."

and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to

you sent me that second line

i know you wanted your own

And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion

reminding me that time waits for no one


And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue

and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray

but you are already in zion
and i saw you flash and exist
when he exhaled
and shivered
and i know that you are guiding her
i know that you negotiated maze
and growth

no you sent me to him

Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music

give him your hands
your lonely eyes
the way you existed ouside
of this world

you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickester
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing

ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups

i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to

Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing

when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you


-bassey www.basseyworld.com

just a thought

you will never be who you are, if you aren't open to who you be.

and if you knew what was to come, you wouldn't learn how to get there.

and if you could plan every turn, every instance, every love, you wouldn't see a thing along the way.

so you wouldn't grow into the beauiful human you are meant to be.

you never could.

you wouldn't.

you.

stupid is as stupid does

this is stupid. i can't not have Jp in my life. and just not talk again ever. retarded idea. whose was it? we were supposed to meet for whatever reason and even if he can't be my lover, he certainly can be my friend. i over reacted. but i am painfully too shy to admit that to him. or even too shy to know if he cares anymore. whatever happens, i just have to get that flute I lent him, and my gentleman cds!! primarily the flute. but also gentleman! and that means i have to call him. this is stupid. this barrier i set forth between us. i didn't even know what i was saying. well i did. but it all came out like a flow of lava that probably burned up everything in it's path. i want to be friends. but now i feel like an idiot for freaking out the moment he said he didn't want to be with me. it is unrealistic to believe we can go many days, a few weeks, the length of my trip, without speaking and a) get my stuff back b) make it possible to be friends later. i need to call him now. this is stupid. then again, maybe i learned from him all that i needed to. and i should just call to get my stuff back. how does one ever know when it is as it should be. end of my stupid rant.

once again my computer is too full

COURAGE
for Sonia Sanchez

I have walked head high
in a room full of shadows
I have stomped invisible
as tiptoers saw past me
empty as windows
I have caught the gaze of another
and tossed it aside
like orange peels

I have floated over
the fiery bay at twilight
on flying carpet smoke
blessed by crimson sky spirits
I have been chased away
by a god with blue eyes
then brought back
in the palm of an East wind

I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth

I have been liquid ever since
rhythm ground me into dust
and shook me new like rain

I have made the promise,
always go on—
as weeds
and wheels
and women do.

posted by tina on myspace


--truesatori

I resent the girls for not wanting to be my friend. I know I have changed tremendously in the past year, but...
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.

[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.

Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?

Am I freaking out over nothing?

(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.

They are gaining on me.

I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.

They are gaining on me.

I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.

So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.

...


goodnight

so i like this guy. The same one I spoke about earlier... Anyhow, I like this guy and as I was trying to describe the relationship to an old best friend... she turned to me and said: you need to squash that shit. And I do, and I intend to, and I hope to, and I hope it is the answer I want to hear. Which it quite possibly could be... but I am often too chicken shit to say much more than the mundane. But I did call and leave a slightly saucy message- just a hope-you-sleep-well-you-are- probably-already-sleeping-I'll-call-you-tomorrow-type messege. JESUS, I am having issues typing right now. It's like, I COULD go back and fix/delete the typos but I want to keep writing so I don't ( in part b/c I am lazy) ... case in point I abbreviated 'because', but not 'abbreviated'. Anyhow, I damn well hope the truth comes out.

p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...

I love blogging...

and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...

love, k.

Waiting

As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

now I wish this one wasn't so true...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

ha ha ha... how true.

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

love to be inspired...

I love to be inspired. By strangers, old friends, and intangible things I wouldn't have guessed I'd be inspired by. I love it.
---

So all has been well in my forward progression of blind faith, in trusting JP and not backing out for fear of the unknown. There were a few weeks that I began to freak out, in just the slightest way. But I rallied it back together, and decided that until I leave for Spain, that there is nothing to be unrested about. Ride it out and see what unfolds when you get there. Until then, I know that I have been in high spirits, satisfied by the companionship I have, and actively breaking free of my old habitual tendencies. Amen for changes. And amen for every new day that arrives. I feel free in writing all this NOW, since you have seen me at my lowest points in the past. And it must be satisfying for you to finally read my blog and not have some sappy, wishful-thinking kind of post. (It isn't that kind of thing this time, is it? I talking about all those cosmic send outs to K, etc. It is wishful thinking for the future, not wishing for the past to reoccur.)

**It is funny to me that I wrote 'blind faith' above because that is the epitome of my struggle with my family's religion (catholicism) and with love. Is having the blind faith that it is there, it is possible, and that it works out in the end. I'd always say, but how do I know this guy is the one? How do I know God loves me/there is a heaven? You never know but you can believe enough of it to be true. And although I still question which god I want to believe in, when it comes to JP- I can't even see right in front of me... and that is a GREAT thing.

what is happiness?

Have you ever met someone and just known it to be right
---
That is all I really can say. From the moment I met J. it has felt right. With no effort. Au natural if you will.
---
And I am not talking Bahr comfortable, or B. excitement, or K. wannabe right. Or any other person I've dated inbetween. But like it has always been the connection between us that I have been waiting for. Every other person was such an effort, and I felt like I had to work for it, this time, I am myself, and he is hisself. I have waited for it to be right, and have imagined it much in the way it has occurred. And I will not deny this feeling or the coincidences that follow, because I know there will be more...
---
I think this could be the beginning of my first serious relationship. ha ha ha. I knew all this was supposed to happen by twentythree. What I didn't realize, is that it would happen all in the last month of my twentythird year.
---
There is so much more I want to say, I wish it would come out more poetically, but I will come back to all this and have poignant words to say. Until then, love and be loved.

Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved.

I have to post this here b/c my hardrive is full, and I can't even save a word document...my livelihood

'm looking for something bluesy tonight, a lagging rhythm and a drawling verse, a gentler sound, a quieter place, where i can sway and rock my hips in monochromatic ambivalence, somewhere blatantly sexual in intention but not in mindset, a dark corner perhaps. easy. there's detachment in losing yourself and violence in bringing it back, so whattyasay. i say, it's about time. a warning - regression will come before progression.

if we're talking about music - i played the horn for five years, until i realized that it was dripping in testosterone. i gave it over to a billy davis whose first name in another time might have been miles. that was his territory and we both knew it - what drove me away was how i imagined wrapping my lips around that metal mouthpiece, consuming the entire instrument, when all i was required to do was tongue the right beats in the right time signature and, yeah, hit the right notes. i could do all of that just fine but i'm no lesbian and my tongue was designed for other things. as a result, i was left with no musical inclination and now would much rather lay back and say, yes yes give it to me harder, more more more.

if fucking is intuitive, then musical appreciation can be, too. and blogging??

-from http://littlekitchen.blogspot.com/

ssssssssnakes and zzzzzzzzs

I am drained at the moment. Devoid of strong emotions, pure thoughts, and a clear conception anything.


If I could grasp the very snake that eludes me,
I'd put it in a basket and serenade it with a song.

And inspire the dervish to sway with sweet ecstasy.
And when the majority of passerbys disagree with my casual comfort in creating his/my own sad solitude,
I beg you to question the snake trapped in a basket,
how it feels.

It feels like love

is all he can answer.

The moments we experience that are pleasurable
when thought of next to moments we'd wish we could be free of.
Love.
The pure healing that music gives you when you seem to be alone.

And feeling trapped.

In a basket.

And even if for moments at a time. That is the feeling of love.
But if I could grasp that very snake that eludes from me,
I'd pray he is strong enough to slither off with me.
With him.
In hand.

---
This was originally was more of a curing elixir for a general ailment- boredom not singlehood. It wasn't intended to get so romantic. But I guess there is where I had to go. I actually really like it.

I need sober sleep, less thoughts, and a man in my bed.

I am BLAH

I have been filling my brain with far too serious thoughts recently. And it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

Enough B. Enough with insecurities. Enough with deep afterthoughts. And live a little lighter.

I have been sad. As much as I want to be mad at B for not telling me the whole truth (and put it past me like it doesn't matter). I have been sad without him regardless.

And I try to fill my void with guys, hanging out/dating guys. Not always hooking up with, but dating.

"Once it gets physical, it is just so wrong" I just said that as an observation about myself. And it can be interpreted many ways.
1. the 'it' feeling so wrong, I get uncomfortable and don't know how to act
2. the "so wrong" feeling that is a product of my catholic upbrining,
3. my psychosis speaking...blah blah blah

Great at being a guys best friend, horrible at dating them.

...And here I go getting all seriously deep again. So it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

I have been told...

I exude an 'I don't need men' attitude.

I do believe that sometimes I do, but hope I don't always.

I want to call Jason tomorrow.

I ran into my B. tonight. And it was so so. At first I tried to play it cool and slightly ignored his presence. But then succumbed to his mysterious ways. (he smells so good- fresh and clean). And was dancing, he was grabbing me and hugging me ALOT. I will say that I only responded after he flirted his way in. And then, of course, I was sorely dissappointed. Eventually another girl came into the picture, and they made out alot and danced hella raunchy, in front of me. I was sitting at the bar talking to Julio (thank god. at least he is hot and sexy), but they really where right in front of me, definitely in my line of sight. I thought that was less than tactful, and mostly rude. But anyhow, I did a great job of ignoring it and shrugging it off when B. made eye contact with me. At one point I was dancing and I made direct eye contact with him- mid-embrace with the mystery girl. And he made the "cut it off" hand-to-neck move... about the girl, to me. That was another rude move on his part. ---I am not that sorry when I say: you can't seduce both of us in the same night. Later on in the evening, I asked who his "lady friend" was and he said " a friend from way back". Well in my head I thought I don't care how far back she goes, she was kissing on you, and you on her, so she must be (I assumed) his new girlfriend. I am sorry but she is a hella broke looking Indian girl, with a big nose. ... there I feel better already. Priscilla. I already despise the name.

I hate stepping on people's toes, and I don't like to be made a fool. I can feel jealous that you were kissing up on her, because I like you...

and speaking of like/love. You told me a few times this evening, that you loved me. Even if it was in a friendly sort of way, you said it to me repeatedly, usually in an embrace. I like you too. But I hate to back that up with gusto because I bet you were drunk and that is why you said what you said.

At the end of the night, he asked me to come back to his house and smoke some bubble hash. And like clockwork, I said no. Rightfully so, because even though he apparently 'wanted' me to come over, something inside said 'either she'll be there and I'l have to deal, or no- I just watch her canoodle you at the bar, and I feel like that is your girlfriend, and I don't want to step on anyones toes or embarass myself. I'd rather protect myself than put myself out there and wait. ... ... ...

Protection by prevention. I keep pulling a tarot card that says I tend to 'block', to a flaw, things that I feel will hurt me. I try less, and gain less. Ahhh, I am getting deep. In thoughts, into the night, and in shit, so I will bid you all adieu.

love, k.