I don't feel like I did last night. I am thinking retrospectively, and I am happy for K. and I am not jealous. And I think I acted pretty normal.
I swear this is IT on this topic. For awhile.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
and even more
If I really wanted to dig some shit up- I could bring up J. practically choosing N. over me in highschool. My first everything and he ditched me. Proof at the beginning, that I was doomed forever... da da dadaa
More dramatics... since that last one was definately dramatic
I can't believe I just wrote all that [about K.]. I am so dramatic. And even still, I can't tell if I acted normal whe he saw me/while I was there, or if he could feel my energy and I wasn't acting normal. Whatever. Dramatic.
Jan 20th 2006...
It makes me happy to see K.
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...
So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.
I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)
Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...
**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...
So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.
I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)
Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...
**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
New Years Resolution!
Sometimes I feel like my life is less exciting than others. Like a few people I know have opportunities to go abroad, and I can't help but have pangs of jealousy, that I should be travelling too. And instead I am "stuck at home and working in the same area" -Nothing new has happened. Here is when I forget that I have just come from the deeply moving experience of living in New York.
I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.
..................
So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).
love, truesatori
I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.
..................
So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).
love, truesatori
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