still more...

a few weeks ago-

I find trusting people, near impossible. If I could find a miracle remedy to the loss of trust I feel, I would take it. I hate not telling people anything. Keeping the truth to myself. Not allowing friends to know who I am and what I feel. I think lunch with D tomorrow will be long awaited and healthy for us. Building back that trust we had will take a little more time. But I am hopeful and anxious for the meeting to take place. I cannot hide from people in my life.

---I think people like me because I am so mysterious. I am not saying that because I think it is right I am so mysterious. I do it unintentionally. I am such a shy person I rarely give anything away. I rarely have something to say so I smile and make eye contact and that is what makes people think we have a connection. Too far fetched??? I don’t think I am too good for anyone, I just don’t know how to be with someone.


.................................................
today-

I am tired of people going too far with me… before anything is established. I am wholeheartedly not trying to seem conceited, but the guys that approach…scratch that…the guys that seem to misinterpret my friendliness, take it too far by hitting on me/trying to makeout with me, when all I want is the friendship. C, R, S, R… they cross the line by either spilling their feelings onto me or by touching me too frequently and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact I have to turn down every guy. But how can I convey that I am purely not LOOKING to have a relationship with anyone/I don’t want THAT or to have anything going on with them… the right thing will appear before me and I’ll know. (And by relationship I mean physical/sexual, not necessarily a RELATIONSHIP, but everyone thinks that that is what I am expecting their advances to mean.) They think I am weirding out about it, why I can’t just have fun… WELL IT IS BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, I WISH THERE WERE NO ADVANCES BY THOSE GUYS PERIOD/EVER/AGAIN.

poem in threes

Wandering traveler

Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight

Weary traveler
…




But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…

The truth is I don’t know my passion.

Passionate.
To feel passion.


There has to be something that one is passionate about.

I am passionless.
But only for awhile.

Now...

8/31/05

I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground

I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up

I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future

The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb

Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright

--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light

I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America

I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight

I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:

No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.

I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.

an old poem #1

First Time

I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook

If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.