New Years oh, New Years... my thoughts are always mixed about you. What is the hype all for? Year after year it aggrandizes and I feel it is almost too big for its britches now. It's as though this day has been snowballing and now sits in the category of overrated and overly expectatious for awhile now. I don't believe in the delusion that we should have just a few select days to celebrate our happiness/greatness/present. I have learned to embrace everyday of life and so this holiday just doesn't resonate with me the way it does with most. Not to say I think other people shouldn't rock out with their cocks out with exuberance. But for me, at this point in my life, I am purely over the expense, pizazz and more often than not, the let downs. Still I hope for a New Year's kiss with a stranger. ANd not a romantic one, I look forward to connecting with someone well enough, that we can share that quick intimate moment. Ring in the new year anyhow because this day comes but once a year!!!! Just imagine the next one :)

Trapped in Paradise?!!

No better way or place to be snowed in for the holiday than in Portland with good friends. I began this journey with the aimless desire to explore the Pacific Northwest... and have learned that aimless wandering often leads to beautiful discoveries. I am not sad to be missing Christmas with my immediate family. I am eager to experience a new Christmas with folks that have always been a bit bohemian in lifestyle and choices. This is the creative flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants that I have yearned for, and only sometimes do I question my validity in this community. My hippieness that I have cultivated for so many years, is tested. Am I able to bring together that community I seek? I am searching for the truth and the proof that I am viable and important enough to reside in the nest of good people. I have always claimed a seperateness from my family, and now that I am physically apart from the family I force myself to be different from, I want them to know how grateful I am to have them and be a part of them. This is a White Christmas like I have never known, and it is frigid, only because I create this reality. I have been needing to open up my heart, forgetting my insecurities, and blossom wherever I lay my head. I am hoping for a splendidly warm, enchantingly quiet, Christmas. I will miss my parent's cooking though. And as soon as I can leave Portland I will. Seattle is an amazing city, and San Francisco, too small, Portland, a wee bit too quiet. I have retreated, and am now eager for that connection. I should call my old love... GG.

robinhood theory.

Thinking about GG right now. Wanting to call him and give the "do you still love me or not" ultimatum . Pathetic yeah?? Well, Am I hungry or ginger in feeling?

Sorry about for ditching you last night. I feel kind of guilty that I chose a Party over hanging out with you. But I wanted to go to Bohemian Carnival and expected to enjoy it, the whole experience ended up being underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time... if you know what I mean. That was a selfish thing to do.

regress, that was the word.

I'm out of ideas, so I will wait until something tells me what to do.
[pulls me elsewhere].

I am definitely just running away from something.

These are my 25cents.

and this is my robinhood theory.

Manifest-oh!

Tons of folks looking to move to SF, and I am feeling torn between doing just that, staying here, and travelling on. I need a bit more work to make it feasible to move. I still don't have enough for a month's rent, deposit and some extra cash to sit comfortable. I may have to wait until January. Living with Serra sounds amazing though, I wish I could bust my butt and get a move on. Where is my money going? Where will it end up? How can it happen faster. I have a dream of my life and I float through it like a spirit. Just another month or so of work. It would be nice to be there for the holidays though. I am here to work and then continue on, wherever that may be. I think I will enjoy going to SF for Thanksgiving... maybe my creative streak will come back. I really would love to live with Serra! Let me manifest a place to live in SF in January with Serra!

WHat oh shit! What did I just write? Live in SF? I haven't thought about that seriously. We'll see at Thanksgiving time...

much love! I'll be a better writer later!

man= tower

The night the man burned was like the tower card being pulled.
or rather,
the meaning of the tower card, old ways/understandings/truths being broken down allowing for newness. was epitomed the night the man burned.
the man burning was my visual of the tower falling down... and I didn't even really pay attention. but in retrospect, I see.

rambling stream amongst boulders of boundaries... making peace where I flow.

Life has changed that is for sure. No comfort of security. Well atleast not the usual creature comforts that a "normal" citizen might expect, like their own home. A steady job. A significant other. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I love it. But truthfully I am sitting idly in the mountains until another friend has a home that can take me in. What am I really doing? Truth. Lies.

It just got really loud in this coffee shop and I am disturbed. I need the peace and quiet that is usually reserved for the wilderness.

I had alot of thoughts running through my head and then a tweaker sucked them from me by just being in same area.
----

My journey is going as planned as long as I maintain the belief that what I have chosen is the route that is in tune with the universe. Speaking of universes... I need to call Suze. I want to stay here awhile until I make enough money to have some for a deposit on a place. I can write like I want to. My mind is everywhere, backtracking and thinking too far ahead. That I am finding it hard to just sit and be present enough to get these emotions and realities on the page. I have got to start writing more, by hand or not. Poetry has not been spoken by me recently enough. But I am still a poet. This is the time that I am observing, not yet understanding what I have been shown, but in time I will be able to express all that has transpired in this lovely moment of time I call "my life".

just a hot-air-balloon-ride away, from love...

I was not planning on breaking up with GG and that threw me for a spin, post BM. But I feel like we can figure it out while I am away. I can always come back, and/or move forward, which is why I am discovering new places. I love to be everywhere I am. Emotionally and physically. Oops though, I think I outed BonBon's truth. Let's discover all the pink heart shaped balloons that float into our view, and grab hold for a ride!!!

"Buy the ticket, take the ride" -Hunter S. Thompson

idle upheaval... a conundrum!

I am sad today. Again. I am sad to be leaving all that I have loved and grown together with. The city, my friend, my boyfriend. I am taking off for another trip of my lifetime and I am still wanting to feel anchored. I am not ready to be set free. I need to sit with my freedom, and that leads to too much thought and wondering. What is right?????

I know my path is different. I know it is not what most do. Those facts I am okay with. GG said that his relationships always "end". And mine do to, because in the past I have abandoned those people and situations that force me to see my own mistakes. I have never felt the desire to fight for my love with anyone else, as much as I want to fight for my love and relationship with GG, although I know he is maybe not in a place to fight for my love. He might want to, though I have no concrete knowledge that that is true. I loved him! I liked him! I was joyous with him. Until one nanosecond of our relationship was difficult, and we both pulled away. (Well, I really did put forth an effort to talk about it, and he wasn't in a space to do this) I want what I can't have. I'd feel foolish if I demanded it again. He might just be missing me in his life, and that is why now he is reaching out. I don't think I can do that. I am deeply in love with him. I am deeply affected everytime we hang out, in good ways and bad. I want to lay down with him, and just sleep. I want to fall into his breath. I also know that if I do this, it will make my leaving harder on me. I will feel that anchored weight and inability to move forward wherever I find myself. I am anxious and eager to chill in the woods with my old friends. Maybe a little curious how it will be for all of us up there. I have spent little time with them in recent years, but know that our friendship is deeply rooted in compassion. Amidst all obstacles, we will always be there for eachother, and if I could decide if I wanted to be with or without GG, I could help myself, others, and they in turn could help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is always light. I KNOW that! But I am suddenly in confusion- I want GG to open up to me, I want to open up again to him, but I am leaving. Which might be a good thing. Now is not the time to refresh these feelings. I am thankful that he apologised for his lack of selflessness at BM. Am I here again? Expecting? Placing too much pressure on our interactions? No. I just need some comfort and I want to ask him for it. I feel unstable right now-- the underlying factor is my upheaval from my home. I decided to move out, sometimes rashly I think, but that was the decision I made, and I have done the bulk of it, so there is no option, but to go with it. Cause--Effect. Action--Reaction. Point--Direction.

The dear old doggbone, I love you! I have had so many great times within your walls. I have laughed and cried, and smiled again, under your roof. And found a safe and warm cocoon from the city, inside your belly. I have learned compassion and creative clowning, the art of spliff rolling and necessity of dance parties, the importance of being earnest in all capacities of life. I've found comfort in my sensuality, explored my sexuality, and dealt with many men, realtionships and breakups, and also found my true communion with the universe. For all of this and the skill you have at withstanding the great winds of change both inside the flat and outside the building, I thank you for giving me a wonderful home to revel in. You are a great container of my universe!! Doggbone Love!

So after all this, I remember that change is the only sure thing, and I cannot control that. I have a few things still to take care of that are within my realm, and then I will see more clearly. I just want to be settled. And I will be. Settled on the road of life. Take THAT feeling of chaos!!!

what it was and always will be!

Burning Man was wild and a true test of my abilities... in the high desert for a month and a half, working really hard - up with the sunrise, hard labor all day, lots of laughter among great friends, amazing art and lots of dust! I surprised myself with my own capabilities of providing and survival... I learned a lot about people, communicating and myself. I have come back stronger, inspired, and changed of course. Definitely a stepping stone onto more great things...

awake now...

Another day has passed too quickly and the new one does not arrive fast enough. I tossed and turned lastnight in a confusion of consciousness. Awaiting today (I am moving out) and fretting about yesterday's waste of time. I decided to go out and grab a mimosa with friends, but they're carry too much drama in their hearts right now, and with all of us together kind of a sinkhole or a quicksandish mudhole of energy is cycled. I am looking for upliftment. I have enough self-sorrow right now. Well, not that much right at this moment :) But then I came home to get back to my task at hand, and was distracted by my roomates and talk over wine. *pinch* I am moving I realize today, heavy furniture, but I already feel lighter. Clearer. Like it has already happened. I must have dreamt about it last night. I am eager for the next moment in my time.

SOS.

I woke up today feeling shitty, sad, and scared. I have sudden doubts about my immediate path. I don't want to move and I feel as though I am running from good things, though a few bad as well. I don't want to be in the city, I don't want to be here.... I am not ready to end up anywhere. And I will say it again, I am not ready to end up anywhere. Although I have said that before. I am scared about moving, and physically getting everything out of my house in time. I am nervous about the change, I don't want to arrive up north in an emotional depression. I want to feel happiness and love within my heart. And share that outward. I know the nature will be good for my soul. But I cannot just put off the inevitable, which is-- what will I do after? Where will I end up? How much can I make? Who still is with me? Learning to love yourself in every way at every instant is the lesson in life we must continually struggle with. I don't want to call everybody with bad news or feelings, but if that is what I am feeling, it should be addressed. And I don't need answers, but I just need an ear. I am scared. I am sad, about GG, I am wishing for the strength of my character, to move past this and find the love I seek in my own heart, so that wherever I go is home. But I don't understand what I like to do, and how I will survive without my knowledge of that and without goals to guide me. I am once again in a limbo. Idle waiting for the wind/road to take me where it pleases. Am I prepared to leave the city?????? Show me a sign please.

what I am to you... (written with an ego and a broken heart)

I asked you what I was to you
You said someone beautiful and dear

I asked you what I was to you
And maybe I wasn’t very clear

This is something new for me
I don’t share my heart with men

This is something new for me
To want you more than I’ve been fed

And I don’t know that that is what I need right now
But it is the hopelessness I feel

Like once again I find myself here
Alone and tired in a world very real

I asked you what I was to you
And you said an inspiring spirit, your muse

I asked you what I was to you
And your answer turned this poem into the blues

This is something new to me
To be uplifted by a man

This is something new to me
And I didn’t say it as clear as I can

It is crystal what it is right now
Just a means to an end

And I sit one more time in limbo
Holding my heart out to mend
----

I wrote this in May 2005 about Jason, but it reminds me of today.

burning man musings... Aug 2008

walking to the moon on slip shiny shoes
breaking up ground that sings a silent sound
swimming through ponds of beauty and zealousness
I am beginning to feel jealousness.
(re:silly)
----

hearing things out of place
the wind hums past my waist
and I am lost
seeking light
but feeling so so so dark.

----

there was a time when bees flied longer than it takes for arms to circle around
and moons glowed like cantalope and fuschia beacons of light stood like giraffes
there have been moments like this before
only entirely different than this.

and finally there was no sound only vibration.
----

dirt beneath our feet
we walk in packs
social
we build shelters
useful
we trade coins
and feather up the nest.
----

I'll tell you what...

Open the window and let in the light that seeks to warm your soul
Close the doors that let in the draft
expose your heart so it sunbathes in the glow of angels
and imagine all truths, even truth in lies

Redefine your power out loud and patiently enjoy the divine energies that surround your life
wait for the phone call
the door bell
the next step

and recieve it
however uncomfortable it might feel at first
nestle into the desire
revel in the flames of fire
dare to go higher
lighter
farther
martyr

don't wait for the hand to feed you
feel your hand instead dig to the roots
wear boots
and work for it
you're made for it
you've trained for it
time you own up to it

forgive the angry paths that have left you feeling battered
tattered
un inspired
and float where the winds sail you
sail away with them
they will take you to higher ground
there you will discover all the sound
you hoped you found
in past tenses
in dusty tents-es
new deserts are made
old woods are saved
and faith is in every ounce of love
ingrained
more made
save
for
GG

breathe in
let go
travel far
seed and sow
reap the beauty from all interactions
don't weep from dissatisfaction
protect the minor infractions
that you may have made
fight for the love that you require
and discover all the underside love letters
hidden in so many souls.

this is nonsensical...

I dream of dreams...

When I thought the world was over, I discovered a painted window.
I crawled through to see the other side and began tumbling down a wormhole.
The vortex dropped me disoriented and abused, but in a green valley.
The valley suddenly altered its vision of itself, and dried up to resemble mars.
so I climbed skyward to see another perception.
Perplexed I sat because I couldn't decipher what the shifty clouds were hiding
I strained my eyes to see the truth that lay at my feet.
I sought even higher to clear the fog from my breath
and was pleasantly duped into believing that was my last step.
So I climbed still higher, seeking that which I couldn't see, but believed.
And stranger still, I stumbled across a deserted desert.
I sat and meditated on my breath, life, and wonders, until out of the burning shrub
an elvin figure appeared. 'Take to the woods' he said, "It is your time again"
"See all you wish in the dark shadows of the monsters, but seek your quiet peace amongst friends"
"There has been enough muddling of thought amongst the painted flowers, and the lasers of planetary faith."
"Go North" he said,
and with that I leaped off the sitting black rock and dove into medusa once again,
falling into my painted window, and into a warm home and bed.

THE END (for now)

Trying to stay warm... so I write: It's my Pony Ride!

It's an Irish coffee kind of afternoon
I think as I watch my foggy city's moon
rise and fall towards sleep
what has changed is everykind of weather
for everyone's better
'it will never be different again'
and it will always remain in locked hearts
allowing for fresh starts
apricot tarts
don't feign affection
seek your unique perfection
alone, in groups, all around
many things I don't mind
many things I seek to find
focus on the point/s
resonate with the hip joint
grey clouds roll thick like a cover
sun peeks like an undercover lover
he lives vivaciously
she curves libaciously
i love your majesty
darkness blurs the light into a muddled glow of angels
and I am found embracing dusty memories
in same bedroom corners, my own little chairs
show me the stairs
show me the light
I believe in my loving truth
not everything is smooth
new ideas are convincing until
old trappings turn into lovely revivals
my heart stumbles
my heart soars
my heart weeps
my feet sleep
my mind awakens
my soul is taken
wound up
wrung out
hung out
too dry
feel renewed
clean and clear
with the lingering feeling that I almost drowned
with little recollection of how I was found
and again my heart abounds
I will manifest joy and discovery with all souls now!


*this is not nonsense. this is my twenty five cents*

*buy the ticket, take the ride*

My tainted love vision (We all want more)

Wasting away in delusional delights
Waiting in vain for illusion elights.
I am alone but unified.
My balance clearly certified.
I have love and I have hate.
friends vs. mate(s)

Awakened
Rewarded
Mis-taken
Avoided

GG is me me
Me free like a bee
But stung on my heartdrum
Much like a mum.

At a crossroad and awaiting the mission
so creatively disguised as a decision
for my tainted love vision.

I am once again jaded
but I've made it thus far
Once again I am waiting
for a love filled honey jar

I want more I implore!


{{ also 'painted love vision' sounds nice. }}

rough roads we have to walk along...

Seeking enlightenment with my feet planted firmly on the ground.
Hoping for love to happen, but unable to force the energy that is not easily willed.
Knowing what is needed, and able to ask for it, but not being answered in the way that is desired.
I know what I have to do, I know what I expect of myself, I know the Truth.]
It stares me in the eyes but feels so out of reach.
I am renewed, aware, and eager. Well taken care of, by myself, and by my extended family.
But the man I love is on a downward spiral, though he thinks he is finding enlightenment.
All being, is being all. And awareness of all things surrounding one.
The path is lit, there are guides on every corner, and the mind is ever powerful.
I pray that he sees the light in his ways, and comes to terms with what he has done, or not.
And heals himself mentally, physically, spiritually. I pray he slows down and sobers up.
And I pray his wisdom comes swiftly.
I love him. And knows he loves me. I hope he loves himself enough to realize the direction of his way.
He has powers, he has strength, he has diligence. May he exercise those attributes with honor and virility,
He is a beauty. He is amazing. I hope he makes someone happy! I hope he gains honorable control!

But I wouldn;t change a thing about our experience, because every blessed moment was aligned, and every thought and feeling I had was genuine. I believe one day we both will recognize that. And appreciate that. And feel the warmth from that.

I love you GG!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not quite ready to write about my experience, but to feel it is to know it. I express my gratitude and thanks to the Burning Man community, DPW, Cobra, Firestarter, Bunnie, Serra, and the folks from Sparseland for the most wonderful and loving welcome home!!!
and then back to my home again!!
I am home. It is blissful!!

The sun has begun to stretch its arms of warmth
and we too begin our journey across the sky

the walls of the past are dissolving
like snowflakes in palms of hands

new avenues are unfolding
cities are rebuilt nowhere and everywhere

there is always warmth in the heart
and always the cold rush from the winds of change

know your strengths
know your perfect path is now

remember what you yourself does greatly
and flourish the way dandelions gently do

prepare for your grand challenger's arrival
and grow roots to withstand the storm

the bridges upon great divides are swaying
and the oceans taunt the crosser
replete with love
containing no remorse

I challenge you to walk the highwire
and dive into medusa's exotica

Come with me..

What is next is pushing the pull, and pulling the push. Take it with me. Flow with it. Visualize it. Experience it. Wherever it leads/takes me it will be forward. Onward. Upward. To enlightenment. Love. I love you! No fear, instead power.

arrivals and departures.... and more arrivals...

Arrive where you are. Look around at what you have created. Revel and reside in it. This is home. Here. Now. Present presence. Beautiful ideas. Creative constructs. Delicious dopiness. Strong will. Female. Powerful! Angels sing you to sleep. Wake you with kisses. You may ruin moments, but will do better from now on. But don't get caught up in the future. Look to what is right in front of you, because that is the real existance and experience. It is staring you in the face. It is mirroring your smile. Your eyes. Yourself. Embrace it. Embrace him. Embrace your heart. Then share it. Wear it. Bare it. Gotta love it!

Mysterious fish, where do you disappear to? Where do you go? Do you go inside? To your heart. The heart baby! The love, it's in you baby! It is you! You are love! Loved! Loving! Lovely!

Paint the things you've dreamt. Dream things you've yet to see! And live to paint!

Open your thoughts to GG. Balance the truth with truth! It can be done. It will be done. As it was done before. By you!

edited: I live/love in an earthquake state...

Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be distracted along the way.
Keep them closed, and signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves mourn.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.

As the world turns...

the universe opens!
And peace is found in the tranquility of chaos.
Because there IS tranquility amongst chaos.
Let yourself feel it.
Let your light shine so the others in the dark feel the warmth from your breast
Without them having to be there with you.
To look at you.
They'll see you.
You'll see them.

I want to look at you
in you
around you
love you
move you
romance you
entrance you
I'm talking to you
Can't you see?
Do you see yourself?
Do you see?

Seething teeth and wild emotions
can cause a headache
but the beauty after the pain is recognized and
dutifully awaited for whilst always moving forward, with it, in it.
Taste it!
Revel in it!
Bedazzle it!
Become who you are!
Live for yourself so others may live for you.
Love yourself so others may love you!
Share the love.
Experience the love.
Delve into the love!
Delve!
Delve!
Delve!
Love!
Love!
Love!

And off we go....

I live in the earthquake state...

Insecurities are beginning to reveal themselves. Or ingrain themselves. Get out! Shut up! I want to enjoy the unfolding of every day. Recieve it like an unexpected package. Sealed with a kiss from wax lips. I need to regain my worth, I want to know my strength. And show my love I can love. Me. Him. You. Us. I am my own love, I wouldn't be created/I wouldn't exist if I didn't love myself. I mean in a micro and macro evolution way. I couldn't be the light I am if I didn't have love for myself. And according to the string theory, or how I percieve the string theory to work, I wouldn't exist with out the binding that love allows us to fall into. A suspension created by the push and pull of energy. Pureness. Joy. Sadness. Balance. Balance is created by the counteractive movement amongst similar moving elements. Every action has a reaction.... wait, science won't help me explain this thought.

Sometimes I am afraid that there is one thing I'll do, that will make VV not love me. I want to be secure in myself enough to realize that only I can change this prophecy. Snide comments hurt my feelings. I am thankful to have a few moments to be with myself. Our relationship has been so intense and constant since we met, that I have had little time to step away and ask myself if this is what I want. Sitting here, I am confident that he, and this, iS what I want, but my fear remains in my past experiences, me constantly saying "I don't know how to do this!" I am not romantic enough, does he like romance even, what can I do to be better. I feel like what I have to give right now is not enough. This is why I need to approach it in a new way that expresses my own self love. I don't have time to hang out with my friends, because he plans in so much advance, that when I find out things that are going on with my people, I am already booked. I want to share him with my life. Or rather, I want to share my life with him. And I haven't quite found that balance yet. I need to balance/smooth/create my new relationship with St. I suppose I didn't have time to do that. We were not coordinating and not communicating effectively and then he left for the weekend, and then all fell into place naturally. But unfortunately left St. out of the loop. Sometimes, you have to know when to stay or go. And he goes. And I stayed. 'And that has made all the difference.'

Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be pleased and distracted along the way.
Keep them closed and the signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves cry.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.

----
Well, he went. I stayed. Now he is staying. And I am off.
Stagnant vs. life
later vs now

If only he knew. If only I could explain. Do I need to explain? Can I explain? I am in it, the way a diving bell suspends in the ocean, and it suspends the divers life. I am bouyant. I am filled. I have the breath that gives life. I give life. I am life. But is that enough for love. (Or replace all those 'life's with 'love' and that 'love' with 'life')

Not even a full month, and I feel like my life has been taken over. I am trying to integrate it. I want to be a person who is happy in a relationship. Instead of feeling tied down, always on someone else's schedule, I want to plan my own schedule, and feel as though the hot air balloon is always lifting. Opening new views, exploring everywhere, tasting everything, being all and all being. I am me. Love.

----
I am done.

Guitar strings stroked by sunburnt hands...

makes hot music.

and my dreams were whisked away by reality...

Facing the music in dance livity
Walking shoulder to shoulder in this city
Thoughts are spoken inevitiably
And we bloom radiantly.

Days spent smiling.
In comfort
in embrace
in good company
in this rat race.

Nothing is lost,
the way is just beginning to be lit
lamp by lamp
the darkness fades
and we breathe light.

Beauty is exposed for all that it isn't
and is
And unfurls it's warm embrace for us to feel.

((And my dreams were whisked away by reality))

My feet began this journey
trudging the deep dark streets
And I will walk forward to seek what I cannot see, but I know/believe.

My hair is only exterior.

Good things come to those that wait... really.

VV!

Love has a funny way of spilling over when you think you've had too much.
Or not enough.

The sun is always shining.
God is in your own heart.
Guides are on every corner.
Lives are simply lived.
Kisses freely given.
I love.

my dreadlocks...

People love them. But do I ????

Do I love the attention I get for them? Do I ask for the attention I get for them. Do I want dreads anymore? Because I am about to cut them off! I was a kid when I started them. And I have changed so much. And they have changed so much. Have they changed me that much? Do they change me that much? It is good energy in one aspect and a cummulation of bad energy in another. People change their hair so frequently yet I have stayed the same. I have been trying to maintain this hippielook for years, always worrying if this or that make me look hippie enough. Its in you or it isn't. It isn't something you can put on. And I do feel beautiful with them, but they are beginning to affect my back and neck, my scalp, and even my vanity.

Help!

My back hurts. I need a massage. I want to cut my hair. I should go to the doctor.

---

Getting along in the wild dervish of a city. Stringing straight steps with puddle pirouettes. The ground is cold and my feet ache. Trudging up memories and dusty bunnies in dirty street corners. Its not even like that. It is so much more than that.

---

A storefront blooms radiantly.
A child smiles with glee.
People are drinking tea.
Jasmine breathes sweetly.
Kites floating for all to see.
I wish it was me.

---

The Sun rays fall on a Monday
Leaving whispers of warmth between my toes
I begin to feel the Moon rays of a Tuesday
And I can't seem to pile on enough clothes.

I've checked the face on every hour
As if time wouldn't pass me by
And I feel choked by numerous choices
and left behind by those moving ahead

Isn't this all natural
the way things are supposed to be
the way things have evolved to be

This is me, if I want to take it. THis is beautiful. I am going to make it. And I thank you. And I hope to meet you. And I am happy to be me. So for now that is what I will be. I have got to start a project in September. SHit! I have got to start a project now.

It was a mere thought
a twisted plot
engaging to hear
but came with a sneer

Encouraged openess
oneness
love your sis
play this

it was then, the music became an emotion and filled everyone up.
Filled some with joy.
filled some with noise.
and some with dirty thoughts.

Clean is supreme.
dreams are not just dreams.
and Jah is something(one who) you live(s).
------

It was when looks turned to stares.
they
undressed me.
carressed me.
messed me.

it was when I opened myself up I was hurt.
they
judged me.
didn't hug me.
left me.

it was when friends hated me.
they
pitied me.
needed me.
smothered me.
I couldn't be me.

clowns surrounded me.
beats flowed through me.
dancehall womanized me.
irealized the woman in me.

it was then music became meaning.
i
danced.
entranced.


so then the music became my beacon.
my portal.
my sort of.
out of body therapy.

none and then some....

precocious..
calliope..
buzzing..
bee..
it's finally me..

budding..
flower..
living..
goddess..

eloquent..
essense..
rhyming..
timing..

unforgettable..
forgetful..
remember..
this..

moment..
omen..
space..
place..

entity..
molecule..
frozen..
embryo..

not mine..
divine..
powers..
that be..

it's in me..
i am she..
she is he..
te he he..

a mans mind and a womans body..
have that reeling feeling..
soaring..
heights..

flights..
drives..
kites..
pink heart shaped balloons..

funny cartoons..
singing in tune..
believing whats said..
thinking with the head..

more appropriate..
swinging in beds..
sleeping instead..
needing meds..

vitameatavegiman..
bacon..
liver from chicken..
allergies..

calliopes..
exctasy..
mushrooms..
fun rooms..

arts..
parts..
carts..
ivys..

lively..
jively..
blindly..
remarkably..

rumi inspired- take what is in my hand...

I am not a robot
but understand the mechanics of life
and the funneling of cattle
its a battle with yourself
against others with no cause
no laws
no cares of unity
only deconstuct everything
I am indestructable
pay a high price for love
life long deductible
give me nothing but the best
if you have the greatest looking hand in the world
I'd take that.

I am young!

Eager for truth
Yearning for love
Happy in the moment
Complacent about the future

I hope good things come forth
for you
for me
for all

I am a cornball
stringing sentences together like spiders spin webs
maybe a little less complex
I am an egress

I am a wolf
I am an owl
I am a deer
Now you see my tears
my exuberance
my inbetween yellow dream.

I am home
I am away
I am in the bustle created right outside my door
I more.

I am a lady
I am a baby
I am a grown woman
I am an enthusiastic human.

I like the stars
I love/hate my car
I am open for the sun's shine
I wait in line.

Wanting peace
Wrapping my mind around astronomical thought
bebop
hiphop

Roots gyal
beats fell
at my sunburnt feet
and I listened

and I paid attention to signs
rhymes
and rythyms
till my legs walked on their own

right into a rocksteady reggae system
a family mission
on the road to organized religion
it sounds good though

as if the smoke had cleared
and it was too near
to me, my body, my issues

Then the lights came up
Introducing, theatrics
funny antics
clown fantastics

and it was community
unity
eccentricity
travelling city to city

biddy diddy
oompahpah
tra la la
la la dee dum dum

I am happier than a sum
more equal than a mum
divided by my thumbs
and heart strums.

I am young!