I have so much more to say about Josh...

but right now the thoughts are confusing. Give me some time.

it's halloween

Does anyone else go through stages with their friends where they are super tight for awhile, and then just filter into rarely seeing them anymore?

For some subconscious reason I am growing farther apart from my best friends. When I first moved back I was more than excited to be with my girls again, the core I was so comfortable with. And then I began to imagine that living in the City had changed me or I had grown into a different way of life. I found myself finding that we had less in common than before. And I don't mean to say I changed in a superior way, just in a different sort of way. (I am trying to convey a very discombobulated and intangible experience, so bear with me.) Basically I feel like I don't fit in to their "circle" anymore. Because I missed alot of things they experienced, they kept up with the SF club scene, with friends out here, etc. And although I experienced alot without them as well, I feel like I am lacking any understanding of their lives. I don't like to do the things we used to do together and when I do do those things I am bored and not really "all there". I still love them dearly and wish I didn't impose this barrier between us but I can't help it. I know things will go back to normal soon enough, bt until then I will spend Halloween without them. End rant.


***I saw my ex boyfriend from two maybe three years ago... and that opened a can of beans in my heart.This guy was as important as K. He scarred me, so I scarred myself as a result and imposed this barrier between men and me. I saw him last night, but was too scared to say a thing to him. I don't know if/when he saw me, there was any recognition. But all I know is I wish I had the cajones to say something... ANYTHING. I acted like a wimp. For that I am a bit angry at myself for. Even still, I needed to break this barrier, and I believe just the sight of him lastnight, was triumph enough over alot of pain and guilt. So goodbye J. You were a beautiful time in my life, but you were not what made me beautiful. And I have to see the sun set on my attachment to you. I am waiting patiently for my love to come... and it will be here soon. I have faith.

blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, my past few posts have been so bor-ing! I am preparing for a really good one...

All things Brazilian...

How do you know who you should date or who you shouldn't? And how do you decide to spend time with one or the other. We probably are capable of hanging out with any one person we meet, and making the relationship work. So who is your "soul mate"? And out of all the many, which one do you follow up on. I know, I know, I am making it sound technical.

I don't know if you speak what you think I'd want to hear, but I speak from the heart, and react in a way that is totally me, to the core. But I am always afraid the guy is putting on an act and smiling, complimenting me, talking about the stars, random stuff, whatever, to use and abuse me. I am probably just being too sensitive. N. said "Don't be scared, I can tell." an something along the lines of 'if you'd only loosen up' or 'relax, I don't bite'. But he didn't use a cheesy line like 'bite'.
The K. he sees encourages that true statement, I am super selfconscious. And not about my weight as much as I complain about that, but selfconscious of my sexuality/sensuality, of guys seeing me, the way I dance, what I wear, and I am terrified of them responding and coming on to me. I am so weird, I am hopefully the only girl who thinks of themselves vs. men like that. Actually I know I am not the only female that believes men other than our fathers, to be untruthful, manipulative, and

Maybe the difference between N. and E. is that N. was dancing with me and touching my waist and ogling me, E. was definately looking at me, checking me out and dancing with me, but did not invade my space by touching me, except when mutual.

J. has the common sense I need. He makes friendly fun of me for drinking during the weekdays, and smoking all the pot I do. Onetime he said it, I responded by saying "your not my boyfriend, you can't say that". But I could see that he has a gentle, genuine caring for my/any females wellbeing, And that his guidance might straighten me out.
Even though he may seem a player, he does have high values and respect for females. Maybe it's the Brazilian in him. I don't know.

E. is just so cute with the best green eyes ever. His dad is Italian, his mom Brazilian. Double SEXY!!! And we talked about things other than normal small talk. Stars, constellations, other beliefs, family. Was it all for show? And then is it fucked up to be attracted/date him since he kissed JeNeel. That was totally a drunken kiss at a bar nonetheless. And nothing ever came of it. But he is so cute and seemed really sweet. I wonder if he said anything to J. about me, (I am totally getting caught up in the Brazilian drama/web/romance) And if he did did they all say stuff/share stories, do they know J. crushes on me... is my head big enough yet???? By share stories I meant just talk about what I said to each of them, how I danced with one and felt the others eyes on me, do they care to talk about me in that way? Part of the time I was uncomfortable dancing. And this morning I realized in their Brazilian culture that people dance together platonically. The sexual energy is everywhere, but most people dance and don't feel like THEY'VE JUST HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND REAL EMOTIONS WERE INVOLVED. I can't not involve my emotions, even with the most trivial of interactions. I feel like there is always a sexual connection to anyone I meet (usually male), and that gets in the way of making new platonic friends and from having a romantic relationship with the guy.

more random thoughts:

I am fucked up and want to get fucked up all the time... do I have a problem and can somebody help me????

I am "unfuckwitable".