idle upheaval... a conundrum!

I am sad today. Again. I am sad to be leaving all that I have loved and grown together with. The city, my friend, my boyfriend. I am taking off for another trip of my lifetime and I am still wanting to feel anchored. I am not ready to be set free. I need to sit with my freedom, and that leads to too much thought and wondering. What is right?????

I know my path is different. I know it is not what most do. Those facts I am okay with. GG said that his relationships always "end". And mine do to, because in the past I have abandoned those people and situations that force me to see my own mistakes. I have never felt the desire to fight for my love with anyone else, as much as I want to fight for my love and relationship with GG, although I know he is maybe not in a place to fight for my love. He might want to, though I have no concrete knowledge that that is true. I loved him! I liked him! I was joyous with him. Until one nanosecond of our relationship was difficult, and we both pulled away. (Well, I really did put forth an effort to talk about it, and he wasn't in a space to do this) I want what I can't have. I'd feel foolish if I demanded it again. He might just be missing me in his life, and that is why now he is reaching out. I don't think I can do that. I am deeply in love with him. I am deeply affected everytime we hang out, in good ways and bad. I want to lay down with him, and just sleep. I want to fall into his breath. I also know that if I do this, it will make my leaving harder on me. I will feel that anchored weight and inability to move forward wherever I find myself. I am anxious and eager to chill in the woods with my old friends. Maybe a little curious how it will be for all of us up there. I have spent little time with them in recent years, but know that our friendship is deeply rooted in compassion. Amidst all obstacles, we will always be there for eachother, and if I could decide if I wanted to be with or without GG, I could help myself, others, and they in turn could help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is always light. I KNOW that! But I am suddenly in confusion- I want GG to open up to me, I want to open up again to him, but I am leaving. Which might be a good thing. Now is not the time to refresh these feelings. I am thankful that he apologised for his lack of selflessness at BM. Am I here again? Expecting? Placing too much pressure on our interactions? No. I just need some comfort and I want to ask him for it. I feel unstable right now-- the underlying factor is my upheaval from my home. I decided to move out, sometimes rashly I think, but that was the decision I made, and I have done the bulk of it, so there is no option, but to go with it. Cause--Effect. Action--Reaction. Point--Direction.

The dear old doggbone, I love you! I have had so many great times within your walls. I have laughed and cried, and smiled again, under your roof. And found a safe and warm cocoon from the city, inside your belly. I have learned compassion and creative clowning, the art of spliff rolling and necessity of dance parties, the importance of being earnest in all capacities of life. I've found comfort in my sensuality, explored my sexuality, and dealt with many men, realtionships and breakups, and also found my true communion with the universe. For all of this and the skill you have at withstanding the great winds of change both inside the flat and outside the building, I thank you for giving me a wonderful home to revel in. You are a great container of my universe!! Doggbone Love!

So after all this, I remember that change is the only sure thing, and I cannot control that. I have a few things still to take care of that are within my realm, and then I will see more clearly. I just want to be settled. And I will be. Settled on the road of life. Take THAT feeling of chaos!!!

what it was and always will be!

Burning Man was wild and a true test of my abilities... in the high desert for a month and a half, working really hard - up with the sunrise, hard labor all day, lots of laughter among great friends, amazing art and lots of dust! I surprised myself with my own capabilities of providing and survival... I learned a lot about people, communicating and myself. I have come back stronger, inspired, and changed of course. Definitely a stepping stone onto more great things...

awake now...

Another day has passed too quickly and the new one does not arrive fast enough. I tossed and turned lastnight in a confusion of consciousness. Awaiting today (I am moving out) and fretting about yesterday's waste of time. I decided to go out and grab a mimosa with friends, but they're carry too much drama in their hearts right now, and with all of us together kind of a sinkhole or a quicksandish mudhole of energy is cycled. I am looking for upliftment. I have enough self-sorrow right now. Well, not that much right at this moment :) But then I came home to get back to my task at hand, and was distracted by my roomates and talk over wine. *pinch* I am moving I realize today, heavy furniture, but I already feel lighter. Clearer. Like it has already happened. I must have dreamt about it last night. I am eager for the next moment in my time.

SOS.

I woke up today feeling shitty, sad, and scared. I have sudden doubts about my immediate path. I don't want to move and I feel as though I am running from good things, though a few bad as well. I don't want to be in the city, I don't want to be here.... I am not ready to end up anywhere. And I will say it again, I am not ready to end up anywhere. Although I have said that before. I am scared about moving, and physically getting everything out of my house in time. I am nervous about the change, I don't want to arrive up north in an emotional depression. I want to feel happiness and love within my heart. And share that outward. I know the nature will be good for my soul. But I cannot just put off the inevitable, which is-- what will I do after? Where will I end up? How much can I make? Who still is with me? Learning to love yourself in every way at every instant is the lesson in life we must continually struggle with. I don't want to call everybody with bad news or feelings, but if that is what I am feeling, it should be addressed. And I don't need answers, but I just need an ear. I am scared. I am sad, about GG, I am wishing for the strength of my character, to move past this and find the love I seek in my own heart, so that wherever I go is home. But I don't understand what I like to do, and how I will survive without my knowledge of that and without goals to guide me. I am once again in a limbo. Idle waiting for the wind/road to take me where it pleases. Am I prepared to leave the city?????? Show me a sign please.

what I am to you... (written with an ego and a broken heart)

I asked you what I was to you
You said someone beautiful and dear

I asked you what I was to you
And maybe I wasn’t very clear

This is something new for me
I don’t share my heart with men

This is something new for me
To want you more than I’ve been fed

And I don’t know that that is what I need right now
But it is the hopelessness I feel

Like once again I find myself here
Alone and tired in a world very real

I asked you what I was to you
And you said an inspiring spirit, your muse

I asked you what I was to you
And your answer turned this poem into the blues

This is something new to me
To be uplifted by a man

This is something new to me
And I didn’t say it as clear as I can

It is crystal what it is right now
Just a means to an end

And I sit one more time in limbo
Holding my heart out to mend
----

I wrote this in May 2005 about Jason, but it reminds me of today.

burning man musings... Aug 2008

walking to the moon on slip shiny shoes
breaking up ground that sings a silent sound
swimming through ponds of beauty and zealousness
I am beginning to feel jealousness.
(re:silly)
----

hearing things out of place
the wind hums past my waist
and I am lost
seeking light
but feeling so so so dark.

----

there was a time when bees flied longer than it takes for arms to circle around
and moons glowed like cantalope and fuschia beacons of light stood like giraffes
there have been moments like this before
only entirely different than this.

and finally there was no sound only vibration.
----

dirt beneath our feet
we walk in packs
social
we build shelters
useful
we trade coins
and feather up the nest.
----

I'll tell you what...

Open the window and let in the light that seeks to warm your soul
Close the doors that let in the draft
expose your heart so it sunbathes in the glow of angels
and imagine all truths, even truth in lies

Redefine your power out loud and patiently enjoy the divine energies that surround your life
wait for the phone call
the door bell
the next step

and recieve it
however uncomfortable it might feel at first
nestle into the desire
revel in the flames of fire
dare to go higher
lighter
farther
martyr

don't wait for the hand to feed you
feel your hand instead dig to the roots
wear boots
and work for it
you're made for it
you've trained for it
time you own up to it

forgive the angry paths that have left you feeling battered
tattered
un inspired
and float where the winds sail you
sail away with them
they will take you to higher ground
there you will discover all the sound
you hoped you found
in past tenses
in dusty tents-es
new deserts are made
old woods are saved
and faith is in every ounce of love
ingrained
more made
save
for
GG

breathe in
let go
travel far
seed and sow
reap the beauty from all interactions
don't weep from dissatisfaction
protect the minor infractions
that you may have made
fight for the love that you require
and discover all the underside love letters
hidden in so many souls.

this is nonsensical...

I dream of dreams...

When I thought the world was over, I discovered a painted window.
I crawled through to see the other side and began tumbling down a wormhole.
The vortex dropped me disoriented and abused, but in a green valley.
The valley suddenly altered its vision of itself, and dried up to resemble mars.
so I climbed skyward to see another perception.
Perplexed I sat because I couldn't decipher what the shifty clouds were hiding
I strained my eyes to see the truth that lay at my feet.
I sought even higher to clear the fog from my breath
and was pleasantly duped into believing that was my last step.
So I climbed still higher, seeking that which I couldn't see, but believed.
And stranger still, I stumbled across a deserted desert.
I sat and meditated on my breath, life, and wonders, until out of the burning shrub
an elvin figure appeared. 'Take to the woods' he said, "It is your time again"
"See all you wish in the dark shadows of the monsters, but seek your quiet peace amongst friends"
"There has been enough muddling of thought amongst the painted flowers, and the lasers of planetary faith."
"Go North" he said,
and with that I leaped off the sitting black rock and dove into medusa once again,
falling into my painted window, and into a warm home and bed.

THE END (for now)

Trying to stay warm... so I write: It's my Pony Ride!

It's an Irish coffee kind of afternoon
I think as I watch my foggy city's moon
rise and fall towards sleep
what has changed is everykind of weather
for everyone's better
'it will never be different again'
and it will always remain in locked hearts
allowing for fresh starts
apricot tarts
don't feign affection
seek your unique perfection
alone, in groups, all around
many things I don't mind
many things I seek to find
focus on the point/s
resonate with the hip joint
grey clouds roll thick like a cover
sun peeks like an undercover lover
he lives vivaciously
she curves libaciously
i love your majesty
darkness blurs the light into a muddled glow of angels
and I am found embracing dusty memories
in same bedroom corners, my own little chairs
show me the stairs
show me the light
I believe in my loving truth
not everything is smooth
new ideas are convincing until
old trappings turn into lovely revivals
my heart stumbles
my heart soars
my heart weeps
my feet sleep
my mind awakens
my soul is taken
wound up
wrung out
hung out
too dry
feel renewed
clean and clear
with the lingering feeling that I almost drowned
with little recollection of how I was found
and again my heart abounds
I will manifest joy and discovery with all souls now!


*this is not nonsense. this is my twenty five cents*

*buy the ticket, take the ride*

My tainted love vision (We all want more)

Wasting away in delusional delights
Waiting in vain for illusion elights.
I am alone but unified.
My balance clearly certified.
I have love and I have hate.
friends vs. mate(s)

Awakened
Rewarded
Mis-taken
Avoided

GG is me me
Me free like a bee
But stung on my heartdrum
Much like a mum.

At a crossroad and awaiting the mission
so creatively disguised as a decision
for my tainted love vision.

I am once again jaded
but I've made it thus far
Once again I am waiting
for a love filled honey jar

I want more I implore!


{{ also 'painted love vision' sounds nice. }}

rough roads we have to walk along...

Seeking enlightenment with my feet planted firmly on the ground.
Hoping for love to happen, but unable to force the energy that is not easily willed.
Knowing what is needed, and able to ask for it, but not being answered in the way that is desired.
I know what I have to do, I know what I expect of myself, I know the Truth.]
It stares me in the eyes but feels so out of reach.
I am renewed, aware, and eager. Well taken care of, by myself, and by my extended family.
But the man I love is on a downward spiral, though he thinks he is finding enlightenment.
All being, is being all. And awareness of all things surrounding one.
The path is lit, there are guides on every corner, and the mind is ever powerful.
I pray that he sees the light in his ways, and comes to terms with what he has done, or not.
And heals himself mentally, physically, spiritually. I pray he slows down and sobers up.
And I pray his wisdom comes swiftly.
I love him. And knows he loves me. I hope he loves himself enough to realize the direction of his way.
He has powers, he has strength, he has diligence. May he exercise those attributes with honor and virility,
He is a beauty. He is amazing. I hope he makes someone happy! I hope he gains honorable control!

But I wouldn;t change a thing about our experience, because every blessed moment was aligned, and every thought and feeling I had was genuine. I believe one day we both will recognize that. And appreciate that. And feel the warmth from that.

I love you GG!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not quite ready to write about my experience, but to feel it is to know it. I express my gratitude and thanks to the Burning Man community, DPW, Cobra, Firestarter, Bunnie, Serra, and the folks from Sparseland for the most wonderful and loving welcome home!!!
and then back to my home again!!
I am home. It is blissful!!