(little fishy...hehe)

∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß



∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙

(little fishy...hehe)

∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞


feelings on the wayward side
shut like a door
outside (inside)
in the cold (it's cold)
miserable winter

the leaves have fallen
the bark is bitter
so are my thoughts

wind through my knits
thick knee high socks
i'd like the wind to loosen my knots

i'd like time to stop it's watch
so i'd stop looking for it
passing it
and still waiting for it

i wish time would stop
so i'd have too much
and not know what to do with it

i don't know what to do with it
or mine
but i know there is enough

i've got to stretch my legs and out my arms
to grab hold of something
someone
love

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3




I have to learn how to hug and love myself, before i can give to someone else. and I keep asking myself, why don't I love myself enough to open up to someone and give them attention and a large part of myself that I know is beautiful. I am alot of things, but I It seems like I am living falsely recently. To people, I've maintained major distances. And show them very little of who I am. To potential new friends and even to my closest, oldest friends. I need to stop feeling ashamed for not being in a relationship. And not feel embarrassed when I am hanging out with couples, and arrive at events solo. I'm going to have that time. In the meantime, I am going to take a class at city college. and tackle my other obstacle of social situations. blah blah blah. I do love myself. I just don't know what to do with my life, what direction to go in, or where to be settled. Within and out.


p.s. uber dork out with the little hearts and fish banners. hahaha

and then there was one...

I don't ever know where to begin, but today I will start here. I want to write but my thoughts are muddled. Or the thought pulsing through my thinking muscle is not connecting with the nerves underneath the padded tips of my fingers. They feel like marshmallows. I forget quickly what I have to say and my right hand stumbles over to the erase button often. My emotions have been hiding, but I know something stirs within. There has always been something. Listless or not. My soul feels alot. And that is why it is hard for me to write.


My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.


But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We are bound to bridge a gap with openness. blah blah blah....

So many changes happen within.

I don't ever know where to begin, but today I will start here. I want to write but my thoughts are muddled. Or the thought pulsing through my thinking muscle is not connecting with the nerves underneath the padded tips of my fingers. They feel like marshmallows. I forget quickly what I have to say and my right hand stumbles over to the erase button often. My emotions have been hiding, but I know something stirs within. There has always been something. Listless or not. My soul feels alot. And that is why it is hard for me to write.


My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.


But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We will bridge a gap of thought with openness. blah blah blah....

Things are just things...

and emotions are frivilous when spent on silly things.

And dishonesty and disbelief will ruin any relationship standing atop these things and emotions.

Watch out for lovesickness. It comes up from behind and throws a sack over your eyes.

Don't fall into every folly. It may reduce you to a fool.

Forget about me. What about you?

I'm gonna forget about you. And remember me.

I will live for me and see you on the hither side.

Things are just my imagination.

Imagine.

Have You Been?

I have been swimming through the avenues of colorful cities,
Keeping my eyes on what's concealed by the ebonys and navys.

I have been dreaming of far off places accessable only by pink heart shaped balloons,
Where the answers to all my truths have yet to be explained.

I have been seeking impenetrable souls who radiate an openess likened to celophane papers,
Once seen, begin to melt into a jimbojambo little boy sambo swirl.

I have been waking up on the cliffside, hand outstretched,
Lifting my own heart to the top of the hill where yours waits indefinitely.

I have been flying between the pillars of hope called evergreens,
Zipping past the watering holes of patience that are dry no more.

I have been digging tunnels to china with little more than a teaspoom,
And I cannot dream of stopping even when the bicycles and rice paddies are reached.

I have been hopscotching over chalk lines for more freetime fun,
Pleasing oceans of ages of dreamers of love

I have been gliding across ballrooms
Taking time to learn intricate footwork that walks you across life

I have been allowed chances to feel the light between my toes sparkle
And the devoir to share that shine outward

WORDS...

I need some words. I need a dictionary to fall out of my mind and onto the flat white page. I want to tell a story with a little more than an essay, but my mind has been frozen, the river [of logic] dried up. Or maybe I keep telling myself that over and over, like the way a voice echoes in a canyon.
I am finding my voice. The sound that has eluded me for quite some time is beginning to roar within the space between my ears. The machine that cranks out senseless fragments and coherent paragraphs is churning and breathing zealousness into my frontal lobe… where my thinking is at it’s best.

religious in the moment

There is something to religious music. I mean music of all kinds. From reggae music to christian hymns to new christian rock to chanting of indian or african healing circles. They all come down to faith and praise of what you will be given. The belief that this is the way and everything is sacred, the people you encounter, the moments of grace you receive, the discourse you maintain with another filling you with knowledge. It is all held in the future.

In THE SECRET, they talk about the visualization/manifestation of your thoughts. Of knowing that these things that you want or seem to be 'lacking' will be attracted to you if you radiate that positive energy of having it/deserving it/already personifying/embodying it. A true act of power by thought.

with the past comes great wisdom

I came across a funny website, futureme.com, you can post an email and set the date of delivery to 20+ years in the future. I kept mine within two years and this is what I wrote to myself:

---------------------
Dear FutureMe,

This is a funny website. And I only came here to remind you of that day you were lonely and bored so you called the ex (it was a Friday) and then he, and sometimes you, kept rearranging the plans so FOUR days later you found yourself waiting around again for him to call (it's now Monday). Think back to all the times this has happened before. And with others too? Ultimately, don't spend your life waiting around for anybody. Grab the reins of life and fly on sista... you are a beautiful goddess full of delight. And you are keeping somebody waiting. And with that... she called him.

Love, yourself

ps. Happy Birthday Girlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------

I thought it had some funny lines so I wanted to post it here.

My life is so boring, that I am too bored to post...

I was just reading old blogs from three years ago, when I realized that it was senseless and I might as well write another blog so in three years I can find myself reading this one. Bleh... boring thought. And a sidenote, my English has begun to suck. At some point I decided to use less vocabulary and keep repeating the same words over and over again. Maybe that is why I haven't felt like blogging recently. I still don't feel like blogging. But I promise tomorrow morning I will wake up and write a positively juicy and exciting post.