I haven't been so public about things recently. Have you noticed? But I could update abit. I am doing alright. On a plateau... but not one that will change to a low or a high in a matter of hours. I am working in the city (the smaller one so I will not capitilize). I am working at a 'safe' restaurant. And playing my life really slow and at times lame. But I have needed it. This job has opened things up for me... my housesitting gigs... the ablility to try living in the city before actually having to. You know me, I find balancing my dreams on the same wire as daily life boggling. And right now I am entertaining the idea that I may just want to stay mobile/unattached. I'd like to hook up more housesitting gigs. So I can save and take off. But I begin to feel the itch of taking off and not knowing what awaits, but jumping of the ledge, so to speak. And I wonder if I'd be strong enough to do it again, not the travel part, but quitting the job. Or taking off the time to travel. I could go to Mexico/Belize in two weeks. Couldn't I. Could I find a travel partner? I don't need a boyfriend, but a travel partner. A partner in life. I need companionship again. Remember when I said all this before, this time it isn't in a deperately desiring way. But I want companionship. It is comforting to have a shared environment. Soon come, Jah will bring love to my life. And I wish I could chill with M and J... don't apologize to me for that. They treat ms like a baby. So I have to ask myself, do I act like one? No. Hell no. I don't. I am real with them. I need to feel the real from their hearts. And not their heads that tell them... play real. act natural. pretend to be honest. I will learn the hard way, I will open to them so they open to me. I willbe humble and not think twice of what I say or write. I love you. I love her. I love him, I really do. I am falling of the fine wire, I am stumbling, not in life but in this ost. So I will put the keys to rest. Peace. Love. Livity.

...poem for a fool...

The words you fear, I will not say
But the feeling will be there.

Even though my mouth cannot speak the ideas aloud
You will see the truth in my eyes.

You will know the very thought I am concealing.
Only to avoid embarrassment, I play a fool.

night and day

----
At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up,
And wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.
----

it's WAY too early... and I should be in bed

I am not sure where to begin, so I will let my finger glide over the keyboard and have my mind... ... ... get stuck. I am at a much better mental place then I was during the last post. I have a positive outlook on the immediate future and the susequent job prospects. And as far as creativity goes, I just cranked out a bunch of collages and one or two poems. I am feeling full. Which is awesome, because the feeling I was having was that of a dried up river bed thirsty for some water to flow through her vein.


One of my really good friends from college just had a baby. She is incredible. The mom. And she is adorable. The baby. And I am so fucking happy for them!! And my other friend is engaged. He is a sweetheart. The fiance.
Yup, it seems to be about that time. That time when all the couples begin to move on to more adult realities. And the single ones are feeling the pressure. It is like the peer pressure one might feel to lose their virginity. Only I don't feel it directly. And I don't know how to finish this thought...

------

I realize the lessons I learned while in Spain more every day. I didn't truly know what I was supposed/had to gain until after Reggae on the River. I came back full of memories and rejuvenated, but at the same time I was confused and lost at what I was expected to do next.

The sweet echo of mindfulness that the crickets reverberate are a song of peace to me.

I don't remember the last time i wrote something meaningful... to you or myself. My mind has been in La La Land. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and the choices are plentiful but vastly different. I hope for a light heart and spirit and properly following, mind. I am just an idiot when it comes to maintaining relationships. For no other reason than my unconscious goodwill to fuck things up right when they are going smooth. I love the ladies. But for some inexplicable reason, shit is awkward. They open up to me and I cannot tell a wilt of my life for fear of being judged or discarded in the 'not cool enough' pile. It was not always like this... in fact, it has never been like this. I have lost my semblence of selfconfidence, and I don't have a clue where I left it. I have always been overly sure of myself and taking chances for the pure joy in the unexpected/unknown... and somewhere between the City and now I was led astray. I might blame JP. I might blame the City experience. But that is old news, and JP is just an ex. And neither take into account my resolve to divide myself from all things local and comfortable... They feel stale. I have a stale mind right now. I need a fresh flow of energy and a new extracurricular activity. Or I will go insane. I know if I told the ladies that I wanted to do, they'd be behind me 110%. Which is beautiful and there should be more blessed people that share love as freely as they do. But I would begin to feel like a failure if i didn't follow through. I associate school with failure. And I expect to fail out, because that is all I have known and expected before. What is that called when you look at things in that way... self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I believe that that is the way it may go, that is the way it will go.. I need a positive outlook on things as simple as that. I am radiating negative energy and I am not about that at all. But I feel the radiation. I feel it before others point it out to me. And I know other people feel it because they point it out to me. Light. Love. Livity. And all things good. There are blessed goddesses at every interval of life and there are gods walking right next to them.. Do not forget the balance.. Share yourself for balance.

---

It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...

an internet cafe somewhere in Europe

I arrived safely and even had an airport greeting with a colorful handpainted sign! I am spending this week in Madrid, and plan to move on to the northwest of España soon after that. My friend and her boyfriend have been so gracious to show me around and meet for lunch/drinks/etc. This trip is already going good. I can only imagine what is to come and lightly plan the future. But I believe when I am at the end of my vacation I will be in a different mundstate than I have felt this past year and have comfort in knowing where my home is... and it most likely will be in SF. I wish my thoughts were more profound right now(I always say that), maybe I will attempt an entry later on, after the jetlag has worn off. I still feel slightly groggy and disoriented but a few days should change all that. I will post a modified play by play soon... even if you don´t want to hear it...

ciao

another 'bit' that are not my own lyrics, though I wish they were...

i knew it was you who sent the
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."

i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little

because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."

and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to

you sent me that second line

i know you wanted your own

And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion

reminding me that time waits for no one


And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue

and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray

but you are already in zion
and i saw you flash and exist
when he exhaled
and shivered
and i know that you are guiding her
i know that you negotiated maze
and growth

no you sent me to him

Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music

give him your hands
your lonely eyes
the way you existed ouside
of this world

you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickester
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing

ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups

i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to

Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing

when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you


-bassey www.basseyworld.com

just a thought

you will never be who you are, if you aren't open to who you be.

and if you knew what was to come, you wouldn't learn how to get there.

and if you could plan every turn, every instance, every love, you wouldn't see a thing along the way.

so you wouldn't grow into the beauiful human you are meant to be.

you never could.

you wouldn't.

you.

stupid is as stupid does

this is stupid. i can't not have Jp in my life. and just not talk again ever. retarded idea. whose was it? we were supposed to meet for whatever reason and even if he can't be my lover, he certainly can be my friend. i over reacted. but i am painfully too shy to admit that to him. or even too shy to know if he cares anymore. whatever happens, i just have to get that flute I lent him, and my gentleman cds!! primarily the flute. but also gentleman! and that means i have to call him. this is stupid. this barrier i set forth between us. i didn't even know what i was saying. well i did. but it all came out like a flow of lava that probably burned up everything in it's path. i want to be friends. but now i feel like an idiot for freaking out the moment he said he didn't want to be with me. it is unrealistic to believe we can go many days, a few weeks, the length of my trip, without speaking and a) get my stuff back b) make it possible to be friends later. i need to call him now. this is stupid. then again, maybe i learned from him all that i needed to. and i should just call to get my stuff back. how does one ever know when it is as it should be. end of my stupid rant.

once again my computer is too full

COURAGE
for Sonia Sanchez

I have walked head high
in a room full of shadows
I have stomped invisible
as tiptoers saw past me
empty as windows
I have caught the gaze of another
and tossed it aside
like orange peels

I have floated over
the fiery bay at twilight
on flying carpet smoke
blessed by crimson sky spirits
I have been chased away
by a god with blue eyes
then brought back
in the palm of an East wind

I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth

I have been liquid ever since
rhythm ground me into dust
and shook me new like rain

I have made the promise,
always go on—
as weeds
and wheels
and women do.

posted by tina on myspace


--truesatori

I resent the girls for not wanting to be my friend. I know I have changed tremendously in the past year, but...
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.

[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.

Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?

Am I freaking out over nothing?

(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.

They are gaining on me.

I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.

They are gaining on me.

I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.

So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.

...


goodnight

so i like this guy. The same one I spoke about earlier... Anyhow, I like this guy and as I was trying to describe the relationship to an old best friend... she turned to me and said: you need to squash that shit. And I do, and I intend to, and I hope to, and I hope it is the answer I want to hear. Which it quite possibly could be... but I am often too chicken shit to say much more than the mundane. But I did call and leave a slightly saucy message- just a hope-you-sleep-well-you-are- probably-already-sleeping-I'll-call-you-tomorrow-type messege. JESUS, I am having issues typing right now. It's like, I COULD go back and fix/delete the typos but I want to keep writing so I don't ( in part b/c I am lazy) ... case in point I abbreviated 'because', but not 'abbreviated'. Anyhow, I damn well hope the truth comes out.

p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...

I love blogging...

and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...

love, k.

Waiting

As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

now I wish this one wasn't so true...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

ha ha ha... how true.

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

love to be inspired...

I love to be inspired. By strangers, old friends, and intangible things I wouldn't have guessed I'd be inspired by. I love it.
---

So all has been well in my forward progression of blind faith, in trusting JP and not backing out for fear of the unknown. There were a few weeks that I began to freak out, in just the slightest way. But I rallied it back together, and decided that until I leave for Spain, that there is nothing to be unrested about. Ride it out and see what unfolds when you get there. Until then, I know that I have been in high spirits, satisfied by the companionship I have, and actively breaking free of my old habitual tendencies. Amen for changes. And amen for every new day that arrives. I feel free in writing all this NOW, since you have seen me at my lowest points in the past. And it must be satisfying for you to finally read my blog and not have some sappy, wishful-thinking kind of post. (It isn't that kind of thing this time, is it? I talking about all those cosmic send outs to K, etc. It is wishful thinking for the future, not wishing for the past to reoccur.)

**It is funny to me that I wrote 'blind faith' above because that is the epitome of my struggle with my family's religion (catholicism) and with love. Is having the blind faith that it is there, it is possible, and that it works out in the end. I'd always say, but how do I know this guy is the one? How do I know God loves me/there is a heaven? You never know but you can believe enough of it to be true. And although I still question which god I want to believe in, when it comes to JP- I can't even see right in front of me... and that is a GREAT thing.

what is happiness?

Have you ever met someone and just known it to be right
---
That is all I really can say. From the moment I met J. it has felt right. With no effort. Au natural if you will.
---
And I am not talking Bahr comfortable, or B. excitement, or K. wannabe right. Or any other person I've dated inbetween. But like it has always been the connection between us that I have been waiting for. Every other person was such an effort, and I felt like I had to work for it, this time, I am myself, and he is hisself. I have waited for it to be right, and have imagined it much in the way it has occurred. And I will not deny this feeling or the coincidences that follow, because I know there will be more...
---
I think this could be the beginning of my first serious relationship. ha ha ha. I knew all this was supposed to happen by twentythree. What I didn't realize, is that it would happen all in the last month of my twentythird year.
---
There is so much more I want to say, I wish it would come out more poetically, but I will come back to all this and have poignant words to say. Until then, love and be loved.

Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved.

I have to post this here b/c my hardrive is full, and I can't even save a word document...my livelihood

'm looking for something bluesy tonight, a lagging rhythm and a drawling verse, a gentler sound, a quieter place, where i can sway and rock my hips in monochromatic ambivalence, somewhere blatantly sexual in intention but not in mindset, a dark corner perhaps. easy. there's detachment in losing yourself and violence in bringing it back, so whattyasay. i say, it's about time. a warning - regression will come before progression.

if we're talking about music - i played the horn for five years, until i realized that it was dripping in testosterone. i gave it over to a billy davis whose first name in another time might have been miles. that was his territory and we both knew it - what drove me away was how i imagined wrapping my lips around that metal mouthpiece, consuming the entire instrument, when all i was required to do was tongue the right beats in the right time signature and, yeah, hit the right notes. i could do all of that just fine but i'm no lesbian and my tongue was designed for other things. as a result, i was left with no musical inclination and now would much rather lay back and say, yes yes give it to me harder, more more more.

if fucking is intuitive, then musical appreciation can be, too. and blogging??

-from http://littlekitchen.blogspot.com/

ssssssssnakes and zzzzzzzzs

I am drained at the moment. Devoid of strong emotions, pure thoughts, and a clear conception anything.


If I could grasp the very snake that eludes me,
I'd put it in a basket and serenade it with a song.

And inspire the dervish to sway with sweet ecstasy.
And when the majority of passerbys disagree with my casual comfort in creating his/my own sad solitude,
I beg you to question the snake trapped in a basket,
how it feels.

It feels like love

is all he can answer.

The moments we experience that are pleasurable
when thought of next to moments we'd wish we could be free of.
Love.
The pure healing that music gives you when you seem to be alone.

And feeling trapped.

In a basket.

And even if for moments at a time. That is the feeling of love.
But if I could grasp that very snake that eludes from me,
I'd pray he is strong enough to slither off with me.
With him.
In hand.

---
This was originally was more of a curing elixir for a general ailment- boredom not singlehood. It wasn't intended to get so romantic. But I guess there is where I had to go. I actually really like it.

I need sober sleep, less thoughts, and a man in my bed.

I am BLAH

I have been filling my brain with far too serious thoughts recently. And it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

Enough B. Enough with insecurities. Enough with deep afterthoughts. And live a little lighter.

I have been sad. As much as I want to be mad at B for not telling me the whole truth (and put it past me like it doesn't matter). I have been sad without him regardless.

And I try to fill my void with guys, hanging out/dating guys. Not always hooking up with, but dating.

"Once it gets physical, it is just so wrong" I just said that as an observation about myself. And it can be interpreted many ways.
1. the 'it' feeling so wrong, I get uncomfortable and don't know how to act
2. the "so wrong" feeling that is a product of my catholic upbrining,
3. my psychosis speaking...blah blah blah

Great at being a guys best friend, horrible at dating them.

...And here I go getting all seriously deep again. So it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

I have been told...

I exude an 'I don't need men' attitude.

I do believe that sometimes I do, but hope I don't always.

I want to call Jason tomorrow.

I ran into my B. tonight. And it was so so. At first I tried to play it cool and slightly ignored his presence. But then succumbed to his mysterious ways. (he smells so good- fresh and clean). And was dancing, he was grabbing me and hugging me ALOT. I will say that I only responded after he flirted his way in. And then, of course, I was sorely dissappointed. Eventually another girl came into the picture, and they made out alot and danced hella raunchy, in front of me. I was sitting at the bar talking to Julio (thank god. at least he is hot and sexy), but they really where right in front of me, definitely in my line of sight. I thought that was less than tactful, and mostly rude. But anyhow, I did a great job of ignoring it and shrugging it off when B. made eye contact with me. At one point I was dancing and I made direct eye contact with him- mid-embrace with the mystery girl. And he made the "cut it off" hand-to-neck move... about the girl, to me. That was another rude move on his part. ---I am not that sorry when I say: you can't seduce both of us in the same night. Later on in the evening, I asked who his "lady friend" was and he said " a friend from way back". Well in my head I thought I don't care how far back she goes, she was kissing on you, and you on her, so she must be (I assumed) his new girlfriend. I am sorry but she is a hella broke looking Indian girl, with a big nose. ... there I feel better already. Priscilla. I already despise the name.

I hate stepping on people's toes, and I don't like to be made a fool. I can feel jealous that you were kissing up on her, because I like you...

and speaking of like/love. You told me a few times this evening, that you loved me. Even if it was in a friendly sort of way, you said it to me repeatedly, usually in an embrace. I like you too. But I hate to back that up with gusto because I bet you were drunk and that is why you said what you said.

At the end of the night, he asked me to come back to his house and smoke some bubble hash. And like clockwork, I said no. Rightfully so, because even though he apparently 'wanted' me to come over, something inside said 'either she'll be there and I'l have to deal, or no- I just watch her canoodle you at the bar, and I feel like that is your girlfriend, and I don't want to step on anyones toes or embarass myself. I'd rather protect myself than put myself out there and wait. ... ... ...

Protection by prevention. I keep pulling a tarot card that says I tend to 'block', to a flaw, things that I feel will hurt me. I try less, and gain less. Ahhh, I am getting deep. In thoughts, into the night, and in shit, so I will bid you all adieu.

love, k.

you like drama?

Jon is not what I need right now. I am looking for a friendship first and everything else later. I was just getting comfortable with B. and then... roadblock. Then Jon came along, and he was attracted to me, and would say all the things I had hoped B. would say to me, but was unable to hear because of the other woman. But I am not that attracted to Jon. Now it has been almost too long since I have talked to B., to go back to the way we were. Oh how life can suck.

And on the same page... my girls, like my best homegirls, are not speaking to me, in middle school fashion. Over something I shouldn't have said. I realize the importance of secrecy with these girls, they are terrified for much to get out about them, but for the record I didn't rat it out out of spite. I told my best friend something in confidence and she referenced it in conversation to my homegirl, and homegirl misinterpreted what my friend actually knew. See I didn't tell my best friend the whole truth. I know it is dramatically complicated and you feel like you are time traveling to the 7th grade, but two of my best friends won' t join or include me in anything, don't care to call anymore, and make things awkward when I DO see them because of a misunderstanding. And that hurts. From one of them, M., I kind of expect that behavior. But the other friend,J., has always seemed to be the more mature, not so caught up in drama, and she is giving me the same cold shoulder as M. I hope J. is not feeling the same way about me as M. does. But frankly, I have to get to work and I don't give a damn!!!

I say I feel...

ALOT. (almost every entry)
I feel...
I am feeling...
I felt...
I FEEL... nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing...

I feel expendable. And that is one of my problems with men. I am not honest and upfront with my feelings about them. And don't act on many for fear of looking foolish (I definitely have said that before). But I feel like if there is a fight to be had over a boy, it is okay for me to be pushed aside and not the 'chosen' one. I feel expendable. Like it's okay I'll find someone else, you go ahead and take the guy I was beginning to like. I am a slow lover. I don't mean I am prude per se, I will have sex with some. But I need to 'warm up' and become friends with the guy first. BUT I AM NOT EXPENDABLE. There is someone out there that does not think of me as expendable, and he will love me.

side note: Jon, do you feel the reason you hook up with your circle of friends might be because you are comfortable with them. And once you get to know them, they become even more attractive. This is another new perspective for me to look from. I went through a stage where I hooked up with almost all of my guy friends. Right around the time of K. But I decided that I couldn't make out with all of them. So I began hooking up with strangers. But even that didn't work. And now I move in on people so slowly, that apparently I sometimes lose them. ie. B. [Nothing happened between us, so I can't claim any 'dibs' on him. But we'd hang out solo alot and I thought we were just getting to know eachother better before something was going to happen. But I thought recently it was moving forward a little bit.] I want someone to be my friend and discover what a beautiful person I am and THEN seduce me. Ahhh dreams.

Maybe it comes down to one night, B. casually said, 'you could stay here' and I said 'I have to get home, I work tomorrow' or something stupid like that. Maybe he saw that as my turning him down. And it was his final straw. After hanging out for 2-3 months. Well, I know it looks like I did turn him down. But I didn't mean to. I want to, but I want him to ask me to stay in a different way. I don't know what I am saying anymore... nonsense should be my middle name.

But back to the 2-3 months part... I didn't really realize how long I'd been hanging out with him. Okay, I am a wanker for wasting all that time. But he did keep me occupied and helped me get over Bahr. That is it! I met B right after I got dissed by Bahr. No wonder I didn't want to move fast with him, I had just moved fast with someone else. And see where all that ended up? I am a stress case and psychobabbler. But I swear the next guy, I will just go with it, fast or slow. I will go with it. And I won't be afraid of looking foolish.

abide by rules and truths...

...like B has a girlfriend
...and I am always the "other woman"
...and honesty is everything
...and loyalty is everything
...and I have nothing
...but rules and truths
...and pink heart shaped balloons

happy valentines day
k.

I am feeling rejuvenated. And not just today, but during the past few weeks. I have begun to accept each day as truly new. Where it has the ability/the probability of being different from yesterday. And that perspective of life is a precious attribute.
Because it is usually fleeting.

----
Toward the sunlight, and away from the woods, I said.
It will do you no good, to mingle amongst the shadows.
It will only help to aggregate strife and sorrow.

But I enjoy the layers of darkness, she responds.
And the thin rays of silvery light.
I have seen great things happen in the woods.

Well if you must, you must. But beware
The twirling vines that creep up on a soul,
will likely drag you deeper.
----

But I feel good, and I now I just need to get on my bike again. And all will be better. Fresh air, strength, and a clear head. All positively fabulous feelings, instead of the desire to get high or drunk.
Saturday I took my meditation hike with a prominent desire to be alone and regroup. Although there were cars in the parking lot, I was very much alone on my accent. The path was slippery and muddy. But there was not another soul to encounter. This hike was a slow one, because of the conditions of the trail, but I also stopped periodically and pondered thoughts on myself/my condition/greater creations/and the fresh, clear views. I found my rock and climbed atop it. And I sat and breathed. As if a beautiful dance of nature was performed, in the live theatre of the world, I watched three birds soar over the gorge, gliding up and down the streams of wind. And thought to myself, that animal is 'flying'... phenomenal. Anyhow, this had all been experienced in silence, and I finally mustered up the energy to speak and said "And silence is golden". And not more than seconds later I hear voices. They were coming from behind me. I thought the irony was beautiful. Perfect timing to get up and begin my descent. I was extra cautious on the way down, for fear of a sprained ankle or worse. And I swear, I passed at least 8 groups of hikers. Groups, not just individuals. And all were walking uphill. As if I had chosen the right time to begin my meditation hike (early morning- 11 am or so). And if I had hesitated or gone to my first planned destination, or even the second, there could not have been a better time or place to find clarity. So I thanked nature for being. And I am thankful for being. And I hope to just be. New things are unfolding day by day, and let's be honest, we all love the small surprises too!

recouperating

I don't feel like I did last night. I am thinking retrospectively, and I am happy for K. and I am not jealous. And I think I acted pretty normal.
I swear this is IT on this topic. For awhile.

and even more

If I really wanted to dig some shit up- I could bring up J. practically choosing N. over me in highschool. My first everything and he ditched me. Proof at the beginning, that I was doomed forever... da da dadaa

More dramatics... since that last one was definately dramatic

I can't believe I just wrote all that [about K.]. I am so dramatic. And even still, I can't tell if I acted normal whe he saw me/while I was there, or if he could feel my energy and I wasn't acting normal. Whatever. Dramatic.

Jan 20th 2006...

It makes me happy to see K.
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...

So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.

I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)

Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...


**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)

New Years Resolution!

Sometimes I feel like my life is less exciting than others. Like a few people I know have opportunities to go abroad, and I can't help but have pangs of jealousy, that I should be travelling too. And instead I am "stuck at home and working in the same area" -Nothing new has happened. Here is when I forget that I have just come from the deeply moving experience of living in New York.

I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.

..................

So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).

love, truesatori