New Years Resolution!

Sometimes I feel like my life is less exciting than others. Like a few people I know have opportunities to go abroad, and I can't help but have pangs of jealousy, that I should be travelling too. And instead I am "stuck at home and working in the same area" -Nothing new has happened. Here is when I forget that I have just come from the deeply moving experience of living in New York.

I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.

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So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).

love, truesatori