Are you hearing me?

I originally started blog, with the intention for it to be the most absolute anonymous spew of words I have here on the information superhighway. And sometimes I find myself following that and sometimes I find myself having loose lips and letting out an obvious fact or two. Other than those few, I have kept this one blog pretty damn private but just as expressive, and I like it that way. I only have a handful of friends who might read this and that really takes the stress off writing. But I digress,

I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. For being the reader and "the ear" even if only in my imagination.

amos lee has a sexy voice

So I once was bored... but now I've found work. Yay! I may have already written that I am am in the restaurant biz, and that is good. Any work is good work, and lots of it is even better money. I must admit...

It's strange to be back. In the same old/good old neighborhood. Same crowd of people. It is fine for right now. But I keep having pangs of desire for the city. For small things, deli s (where you get your egg-ham-cheese roll, coffee, and oj- the hangover cure), the crazy streets (where it's okay for you to block out strangers with big ass headphones), the subway (for as much as I would complain that it hurts my ears it wasn't that bad), okay, big things. But only sometimes.

I enjoy home for the comfort and peacefulness of it. And for that I am thankful I am even able to experience. I just wish I could instantly be transported to the city just for certain goings on or so I can go downstairs and get that hangover cure.

Here it is definately the same neighborhood (just a few new houses) and the same people (people I want to see and some I don't care to).

Things will have to change... especially within. And they will, I have only just started decompressing. Actually I started the day my plane landed, but either I was so compressed that it's gonna take a while, or it's been over and this is my life now- I just have to deal. Only kidding. I am working on becoming the better human I want to be, and I'm working on my vices... DESIRES!

But until then, work, work, work (and a little R'n'River)

Pass me that bottle of wine!

bored and not much else

I am struggling with profound thoughts... or rather I am struggling to even have them. So today, I will not use such cliches and fancy wording that I usually try to use.

This myspace shit is getting out of control. Anyone and everyone is on it...well except the one I really want to find. I told myself I would not check it for a week. A week is a good time to kind of forget you even have an account. Except that I think about who could possibly be "finding" me, ALL THE TIME. And that is where my strife begins. RECYCLE.

My mother has been obsessed with the internet since before there were any pretty pictures to entice you with. Back when html was the only way to design a webpage. And as it has developed and grown, it has almost sucked her dry of any socialness(?) she once had. Now, I am not going to begin bashing the internet... I would be a hypocrite. But I ask, when is all this too much and too easy? And all these "look at mypicture and become myfriend" type websites, are becoming synonymous with actually making friends at the personal level.

What happened to the days of olde?

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Sorry that came out of nowhere, I'm not even sure where I planned to go with all that... a fragment of a thought.

So enough of that deep thought...

Yesterday I putzed around in the city, bought some cds, a shirt, consumed. The day before, I went on a job interview, a bike ride. Slowly working towards some semblance of existance, atleast enough to call my own.

enjoy today!

You Haven't Seen Me Since February

I haven't had the itch to write in months. So I'll start slow. I have relocated my living quarters, so now I call Cali my home.

The city had grown out of me, or so I thought. But now I sit within the four walls of my parents home, and ponder the moment/event that proved to be too much and made me leave? Was it really the uncomfortable way I had been living... small quarters? And even smaller social circles? I am not really sure. I do know that I am happy to be HERE NOW. But not necassarily happy to be here forever.

I've been home for three weeks, and I have mostly been doing the spiritual-search-thing, and I haven't really thought about my best friend or where she is. That is strange. Before it would have been different.

By spiritual-search-thing, I guess I mean the outdoors-getting-back-with-nature-and-not-spending-too-much-time-near-ANY-tall-buildings-thing. Which is what I've been dreaming about since the moment I moved away.

I have hardly spent more then a few days at my parent's home. When I begin to settle in and actually spend time with them, my world will crumble. And not because of spending time with them, but the actuality of my existance in a new stage in my life will be fully realized. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

I thought, when I was planning to leave the city, that my life would go as usual only in a different place. But as wrong as I was before, I am wrong again.

I hate that my memories are so eden-like. That the things I can remember or HOW I remember those things are so glorified and magical. When it is only that way because that is what memories are... a beautified version of what you have lived with and through. By doing this you will always remember those moments as the best of times. And true they quite possibly could have been the best of times, but look furthur...

Every split second of your life is lived to perfection. And not with the pressure of perfection, but in the higher's way and light, guiding to your destiny.

Every day of your life you have lived in the best way possible. Those memories seem golden because every moment of your life is a unique collision of instances, that make way for a beautiful human being to exist.

Now I know, I am getting a little googoo, but this is my therapy for all my lifes changes. It enables me to accept change and differences. Back to the main point...

Like I adjusted to life in the city, I must adjust to living back in Cali. My life cannot be lived as usual because this is a different place and time to be living here. At 23, I am here again, in my hometown, yet I have never been here as this. I have never seen this place as who I am now. (Best believe I have changed in the past months.)

I remember Cali, just as it was before I left, big city, exciting, funky, home to me, and home to friends, the city of opportunity. Now I hardly see it at all. And getting a job, apartment, any of that, is just a little too permanent and lackluster for me, right now.

I am the type of person that must keep moving, I have the urge and desire to constantly reshape myself through experiences, and as much as I cannot wait for my next excursion, I have to slow and realize that this very moment and the many to come ARE/IS my next excursion.

It is right here in front of me, if only I pause to breathe.