what is happiness?

Have you ever met someone and just known it to be right
---
That is all I really can say. From the moment I met J. it has felt right. With no effort. Au natural if you will.
---
And I am not talking Bahr comfortable, or B. excitement, or K. wannabe right. Or any other person I've dated inbetween. But like it has always been the connection between us that I have been waiting for. Every other person was such an effort, and I felt like I had to work for it, this time, I am myself, and he is hisself. I have waited for it to be right, and have imagined it much in the way it has occurred. And I will not deny this feeling or the coincidences that follow, because I know there will be more...
---
I think this could be the beginning of my first serious relationship. ha ha ha. I knew all this was supposed to happen by twentythree. What I didn't realize, is that it would happen all in the last month of my twentythird year.
---
There is so much more I want to say, I wish it would come out more poetically, but I will come back to all this and have poignant words to say. Until then, love and be loved.

Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved.

I have to post this here b/c my hardrive is full, and I can't even save a word document...my livelihood

'm looking for something bluesy tonight, a lagging rhythm and a drawling verse, a gentler sound, a quieter place, where i can sway and rock my hips in monochromatic ambivalence, somewhere blatantly sexual in intention but not in mindset, a dark corner perhaps. easy. there's detachment in losing yourself and violence in bringing it back, so whattyasay. i say, it's about time. a warning - regression will come before progression.

if we're talking about music - i played the horn for five years, until i realized that it was dripping in testosterone. i gave it over to a billy davis whose first name in another time might have been miles. that was his territory and we both knew it - what drove me away was how i imagined wrapping my lips around that metal mouthpiece, consuming the entire instrument, when all i was required to do was tongue the right beats in the right time signature and, yeah, hit the right notes. i could do all of that just fine but i'm no lesbian and my tongue was designed for other things. as a result, i was left with no musical inclination and now would much rather lay back and say, yes yes give it to me harder, more more more.

if fucking is intuitive, then musical appreciation can be, too. and blogging??

-from http://littlekitchen.blogspot.com/

ssssssssnakes and zzzzzzzzs

I am drained at the moment. Devoid of strong emotions, pure thoughts, and a clear conception anything.


If I could grasp the very snake that eludes me,
I'd put it in a basket and serenade it with a song.

And inspire the dervish to sway with sweet ecstasy.
And when the majority of passerbys disagree with my casual comfort in creating his/my own sad solitude,
I beg you to question the snake trapped in a basket,
how it feels.

It feels like love

is all he can answer.

The moments we experience that are pleasurable
when thought of next to moments we'd wish we could be free of.
Love.
The pure healing that music gives you when you seem to be alone.

And feeling trapped.

In a basket.

And even if for moments at a time. That is the feeling of love.
But if I could grasp that very snake that eludes from me,
I'd pray he is strong enough to slither off with me.
With him.
In hand.

---
This was originally was more of a curing elixir for a general ailment- boredom not singlehood. It wasn't intended to get so romantic. But I guess there is where I had to go. I actually really like it.

I need sober sleep, less thoughts, and a man in my bed.

I am BLAH

I have been filling my brain with far too serious thoughts recently. And it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

Enough B. Enough with insecurities. Enough with deep afterthoughts. And live a little lighter.

I have been sad. As much as I want to be mad at B for not telling me the whole truth (and put it past me like it doesn't matter). I have been sad without him regardless.

And I try to fill my void with guys, hanging out/dating guys. Not always hooking up with, but dating.

"Once it gets physical, it is just so wrong" I just said that as an observation about myself. And it can be interpreted many ways.
1. the 'it' feeling so wrong, I get uncomfortable and don't know how to act
2. the "so wrong" feeling that is a product of my catholic upbrining,
3. my psychosis speaking...blah blah blah

Great at being a guys best friend, horrible at dating them.

...And here I go getting all seriously deep again. So it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

I have been told...

I exude an 'I don't need men' attitude.

I do believe that sometimes I do, but hope I don't always.

I want to call Jason tomorrow.

I ran into my B. tonight. And it was so so. At first I tried to play it cool and slightly ignored his presence. But then succumbed to his mysterious ways. (he smells so good- fresh and clean). And was dancing, he was grabbing me and hugging me ALOT. I will say that I only responded after he flirted his way in. And then, of course, I was sorely dissappointed. Eventually another girl came into the picture, and they made out alot and danced hella raunchy, in front of me. I was sitting at the bar talking to Julio (thank god. at least he is hot and sexy), but they really where right in front of me, definitely in my line of sight. I thought that was less than tactful, and mostly rude. But anyhow, I did a great job of ignoring it and shrugging it off when B. made eye contact with me. At one point I was dancing and I made direct eye contact with him- mid-embrace with the mystery girl. And he made the "cut it off" hand-to-neck move... about the girl, to me. That was another rude move on his part. ---I am not that sorry when I say: you can't seduce both of us in the same night. Later on in the evening, I asked who his "lady friend" was and he said " a friend from way back". Well in my head I thought I don't care how far back she goes, she was kissing on you, and you on her, so she must be (I assumed) his new girlfriend. I am sorry but she is a hella broke looking Indian girl, with a big nose. ... there I feel better already. Priscilla. I already despise the name.

I hate stepping on people's toes, and I don't like to be made a fool. I can feel jealous that you were kissing up on her, because I like you...

and speaking of like/love. You told me a few times this evening, that you loved me. Even if it was in a friendly sort of way, you said it to me repeatedly, usually in an embrace. I like you too. But I hate to back that up with gusto because I bet you were drunk and that is why you said what you said.

At the end of the night, he asked me to come back to his house and smoke some bubble hash. And like clockwork, I said no. Rightfully so, because even though he apparently 'wanted' me to come over, something inside said 'either she'll be there and I'l have to deal, or no- I just watch her canoodle you at the bar, and I feel like that is your girlfriend, and I don't want to step on anyones toes or embarass myself. I'd rather protect myself than put myself out there and wait. ... ... ...

Protection by prevention. I keep pulling a tarot card that says I tend to 'block', to a flaw, things that I feel will hurt me. I try less, and gain less. Ahhh, I am getting deep. In thoughts, into the night, and in shit, so I will bid you all adieu.

love, k.