"I am grabbing "life" by the torso and flying at high-speeds" -my sister.

I love that my sister feels this way! -It's about time too.

is it okay to have silent feelings???

And is it justifiable to keep these silent feelings silent, even if it concerns the most important person in your life?

I had a thought that was irrational and really just silly for me to even feel, I didn't tell want to tell a soul. But I wrote it in my journal...not this online/for all to see one, but my real journal, the only private place I think. I share my room with my best friend and the apartment with my sister. So it is literally the ONLY place/thing I have ultimate privacy in, and am able to write out my thoughts down without fear.
The other day I came home to find my journal misplaced...definately not where I left it. I kind of panicked because the thought of someone reading my journal freaked me out. Not for any other reason than the trust I have of someone else to value my privacy. Even if from the outside you aren't sure what it is, don't you realize what you are doing after the first sentence?

Anyhow, my thoughts were exposed.
Not publically, that probably would have been better. Instead, the very person I didn't want to read it, did.

Now, what I had written wasn't just a thought I could have said to my best friend. It was a feeling I've had for awhile, but one that was really absurd and one that I barely understood myself and one I definately didn't want to tell her. This was a feeling I'd have liked to stay silent in my mind. I guess I was the moron who wrote it down on paper, but she was the moron who read my journal. And now there is a whole trust issue. Before, I trusted her completely and vice versa.

The sensitive subject came up at dinner, and while I avoided admitting my silent feeling to her, she tried to bring up what she read in a roundabout way, telling me "I don't need to lie to her", and she knows there is something else that is bothering me. At this point, the subject of my entry is the least of my concern. I had a feeling she knew it the moment I saw my journal moved. But the fact of the matter is, that she read my journal...my private journal...and that REALLY PISSES ME OFF. For that, I wish I could withhold the truth from her, but she already knows my silent thought.

I've had this happen once in middle school. I had written a note, someone found it, and showed it to the person it concerned. Lots of drama ensued. I should have learned my lesson the first time.

Is this ever possible to get away with?

It's not even like I'm always writing stuff about her in my journal. Literally I have only written about her twice, in my six years of keeping a journal. That is an excellent track record. She just happened across my most recent entry.

Right now I think she is a bitch.

babylon is falling... and so are the stars in my eyes.

babylon- "a city or place of luxury, sensuality, and often vice and corruption" american heritage dictionary 4th ed.

When I was planning to move here, my friends joked that I was choosing babylon, and to live there wisely. Well, I have lived here... I don't know how wisely, nor do I know if I am any wiser than before. I am more disgruntled, that I know.

I have had the hardest time adjusting- from the surface you'd think I adjusted and fit in fine, but if you really ask me- I think I'm just really good at assimilating and finding ways to cope in situations that are less than beneficial.

(Well, that was a little too harsh.) I think coming here was beneficial to an extent. I never have to drive, which has kept my mind free of certain nagging thoughts. I moved here and right away was faced with quite a few experiences I had to have, for myself and for my sister and for my best friend. These experiences of the past five months were moments that none of us could have really gotten through alone. I've also learned that I CAN live almost anywhere, if only I just do it and don't wait. And I know that living here in the city has changed me in ways that I am not able to see myself- but others can.

Because ultimately... right now... I feel like I am at the exact same crossroads as I was one year ago...
when my life was thrown up into chaos.

There were supposed to be changes made in my life to remedy the situation I had gotten myself into. Well, I am still self destructive and unhappy because I suppress certain things and don't accept other things. And I still drink alcohol, and still smoke- both things I decided were better for me to quit last year.

I moved here and, granted, I am not faced with the necessity to drive...EVER. But I still act and behave in less than positive ways, because I am easily corruptable especially in a place full of my vices (sex, drugs, and luxury).

No, sex is not the only root of my problem. It is my issues with sex that prevents/protect me from having any. A little self imposed, but also not completely. This shell I have created, leaves no room for me to grab on to life by the reins, instead I sheepishly lurk around waiting for life to happen.

And the driving thing. It is nice not having any problem getting anywhere, it is truly a blessing. But I haven't thought/reflected/dealt with my D. Alternatively, I swept it neatly under my carpet and have yet done any kind of deep spring cleaning. The emotions I have about my stupidity etc., are still very real. I have not yet let go.

And I fear that moving home to cali, could be a disaster. I will not have a car, nor any money to buy one. I will be susceptible to feeling the same energy I had when I left. Which was why I up and left in the first place. I need another buffer zone... I am not ready to move back and commit to a cali life... but babylon is killing me slowly, only this time it's loud and clear!

"So you know this", you say. "Why don't you change something?", you ask.
Because that is like jumping off into a whole new world I don't know, I respond.

"But you moved to the city and that was an enormous change",you defend.
Different kind", I argue.

I have a hard time imagining how my life could possibly stay the same, with such a change.
Stay with that thought. I know this change would be a huge emotional change for myself and my inner spirit would be free again. But how could my friendships, beliefs, and lifestyle stay the same. I feel if I change this, than I'll lose my interest in everything that goes along with it... WHICH IS MY LIFE.

I know I keep saying I want something different--- but I need my friendships to stay. I know for a fact that my close friends are not simply drinking buddies (like most of my college friends), that I'll lose if I quit everything. But I am afraid I'll change for the worst. And that is paralyzing.

I feel the differences between us will become so vast, too vast to maintain what we have. This thought has as much to do with drinking, as it does with the city.

Here I thought I'd be able to make the changes I deemed necessary, but I've only made them worse. I don't believe that I've become a person I completely disapprove of. I don't think I could. But, I fall victim to instances I disapprove of (no matter how often I forget they are).

The city allows for as much as you want to happen. And what used to be a glamorous, exciting, revelation, has become the bane of my existance. My friends were correct in calling it babylon. Because everything really IS at your fingertips, good and bad. It is a location where it can tease you and get the best of you and leave you shriveled on the side.

I have yet to find a friend that I feel identifies with me fully and vice versa. I constantly feel an alienation, screaming "we are nothing like you", "we don't understand where you come from". And it is not so much the NOTION of that difference that gets me down. As a common humanity we can have our millions of differences.

But, this place... is NOTHING that I aspire to know or be. And I wonder about the people IN IT who love it- how much could we possibly have in common. That I believe is the truth. I know the city is there for others and works for others, but not me. The exposure to everything doesn't allow me to change. I know, have and love people and places that do FEEL me. And It is eating away at my insides to not have that.

I have no desire to live in a place like this anymore. It is not me, it is not FOR me, "I do not like it, Sam I am, I do not like green eggs and ham".

I need thousands of grains of salt to take with my life right now... my tastebuds are turning to mush.

smashing fashion

I went to a fashion show today... full of runways, celebrity sightings, and wacked out fashion.

I then realized, the couture industry is a hideous display of self. self promotion, self indulgence, self involvement, self disgust (which in some cases leads to self harm), and I don't want any part in it.

We consume fashion like the world is ending, and that is exactly why those selfish industries are making it so big. The average consumer feels like they can't live the rest of their life if not wearing the newest color, cut, and/or the hottest designer's style.

Don't take this article the wrong way...I am not bashing the designers themselves. I have much more than total respect for fashion designers. They are artists designing exquisite works of art from the most beautiful arrays of fabrics and materials. If I could only be so lucky .

It is the industry itself and the people that are attracted to that industry, the wearers, the reporters, the attitudes, the selfishness. It makes me sick to know the ugliness that hides beneath it all.

Don't get too caught up in the whirl wind of things in this business. Because it is not what is real.
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Okay okay, I know I got very morbid and cryptic towards the end... reading just the title, you would have expected something quite the opposite.

It was also that way. It was the way it was, exciting, beautiful, and glamorous. But how could I forget the lights, the cameras, the models, the hustle, the bustle, the b list celebrities (mya, dennis rodman, and that gay guy from that design show).
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It was a once in a lifetime event...for me. Enjoyable. And yet another difference dividing my best friendship.

she hit the nail on the head

My best friend told me I've been getting "weird", now I know she meant it with love. But it still hurt. At that moment, I didn't want to talk about my unhappiness or anything like that, but that comment got to me. I couldn't speak. I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to answer. The answer is too hard for me to say to her...

I think my dislike of the city makes me think/realize how different we really are and I can't get that thought out of my head. I have a hard time seperating her from the city and the city from her. And the fact that she's loving it and has great love for it- makes me wonder what we have in common anymore. She is so different from me. That may have been a good thing, for a time. But right now I need someone who's LIKE me.


I think I am lost.

Sometimes I think I am lost,
wandering like a riding hood.

Never following the clear path,
because I grow curious along the way.

And find myself talking to strangers,
in strange places.

And injesting strange foods and spirits,
in strange fashion.

That is when I am lost.
But I can feel lost even when at home.

Wondering how the very people with whom I live,
are really a few strangers I met along the way.

Chance occurences that made all the difference,
that I have always assumed meant nothing.

Feelings taken for granted,
friendships lost so long, they are simply strangers.

When nothing can be lost,
being lost means everything.

"Excuse me sir, do you know where THIS is?"
"I can tell you it's not where you are going."

"But how will I get there?"
"You shall arrive when you find your way."

I must stick to the path and not dally,
I am expected to be somewhere by sometime.

If only I could remember how to get there,
Now I think I am lost.

In the woods, where the trees are skyscrapers,
the flowers are painted on, and the sources of sound are unending.

I keep looking but there are many things to see,
It's not easy to find the way.

So, I regret to inform you, I've gotten lost along the path,
I am sorry but will be very glad when I do find it again.

Then the sooner I will be home,
and the sooner I will know myself."

this is a test run

hello out there.