you like drama?

Jon is not what I need right now. I am looking for a friendship first and everything else later. I was just getting comfortable with B. and then... roadblock. Then Jon came along, and he was attracted to me, and would say all the things I had hoped B. would say to me, but was unable to hear because of the other woman. But I am not that attracted to Jon. Now it has been almost too long since I have talked to B., to go back to the way we were. Oh how life can suck.

And on the same page... my girls, like my best homegirls, are not speaking to me, in middle school fashion. Over something I shouldn't have said. I realize the importance of secrecy with these girls, they are terrified for much to get out about them, but for the record I didn't rat it out out of spite. I told my best friend something in confidence and she referenced it in conversation to my homegirl, and homegirl misinterpreted what my friend actually knew. See I didn't tell my best friend the whole truth. I know it is dramatically complicated and you feel like you are time traveling to the 7th grade, but two of my best friends won' t join or include me in anything, don't care to call anymore, and make things awkward when I DO see them because of a misunderstanding. And that hurts. From one of them, M., I kind of expect that behavior. But the other friend,J., has always seemed to be the more mature, not so caught up in drama, and she is giving me the same cold shoulder as M. I hope J. is not feeling the same way about me as M. does. But frankly, I have to get to work and I don't give a damn!!!

I say I feel...

ALOT. (almost every entry)
I feel...
I am feeling...
I felt...
I FEEL... nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing...

I feel expendable. And that is one of my problems with men. I am not honest and upfront with my feelings about them. And don't act on many for fear of looking foolish (I definitely have said that before). But I feel like if there is a fight to be had over a boy, it is okay for me to be pushed aside and not the 'chosen' one. I feel expendable. Like it's okay I'll find someone else, you go ahead and take the guy I was beginning to like. I am a slow lover. I don't mean I am prude per se, I will have sex with some. But I need to 'warm up' and become friends with the guy first. BUT I AM NOT EXPENDABLE. There is someone out there that does not think of me as expendable, and he will love me.

side note: Jon, do you feel the reason you hook up with your circle of friends might be because you are comfortable with them. And once you get to know them, they become even more attractive. This is another new perspective for me to look from. I went through a stage where I hooked up with almost all of my guy friends. Right around the time of K. But I decided that I couldn't make out with all of them. So I began hooking up with strangers. But even that didn't work. And now I move in on people so slowly, that apparently I sometimes lose them. ie. B. [Nothing happened between us, so I can't claim any 'dibs' on him. But we'd hang out solo alot and I thought we were just getting to know eachother better before something was going to happen. But I thought recently it was moving forward a little bit.] I want someone to be my friend and discover what a beautiful person I am and THEN seduce me. Ahhh dreams.

Maybe it comes down to one night, B. casually said, 'you could stay here' and I said 'I have to get home, I work tomorrow' or something stupid like that. Maybe he saw that as my turning him down. And it was his final straw. After hanging out for 2-3 months. Well, I know it looks like I did turn him down. But I didn't mean to. I want to, but I want him to ask me to stay in a different way. I don't know what I am saying anymore... nonsense should be my middle name.

But back to the 2-3 months part... I didn't really realize how long I'd been hanging out with him. Okay, I am a wanker for wasting all that time. But he did keep me occupied and helped me get over Bahr. That is it! I met B right after I got dissed by Bahr. No wonder I didn't want to move fast with him, I had just moved fast with someone else. And see where all that ended up? I am a stress case and psychobabbler. But I swear the next guy, I will just go with it, fast or slow. I will go with it. And I won't be afraid of looking foolish.

abide by rules and truths...

...like B has a girlfriend
...and I am always the "other woman"
...and honesty is everything
...and loyalty is everything
...and I have nothing
...but rules and truths
...and pink heart shaped balloons

happy valentines day
k.

I am feeling rejuvenated. And not just today, but during the past few weeks. I have begun to accept each day as truly new. Where it has the ability/the probability of being different from yesterday. And that perspective of life is a precious attribute.
Because it is usually fleeting.

----
Toward the sunlight, and away from the woods, I said.
It will do you no good, to mingle amongst the shadows.
It will only help to aggregate strife and sorrow.

But I enjoy the layers of darkness, she responds.
And the thin rays of silvery light.
I have seen great things happen in the woods.

Well if you must, you must. But beware
The twirling vines that creep up on a soul,
will likely drag you deeper.
----

But I feel good, and I now I just need to get on my bike again. And all will be better. Fresh air, strength, and a clear head. All positively fabulous feelings, instead of the desire to get high or drunk.
Saturday I took my meditation hike with a prominent desire to be alone and regroup. Although there were cars in the parking lot, I was very much alone on my accent. The path was slippery and muddy. But there was not another soul to encounter. This hike was a slow one, because of the conditions of the trail, but I also stopped periodically and pondered thoughts on myself/my condition/greater creations/and the fresh, clear views. I found my rock and climbed atop it. And I sat and breathed. As if a beautiful dance of nature was performed, in the live theatre of the world, I watched three birds soar over the gorge, gliding up and down the streams of wind. And thought to myself, that animal is 'flying'... phenomenal. Anyhow, this had all been experienced in silence, and I finally mustered up the energy to speak and said "And silence is golden". And not more than seconds later I hear voices. They were coming from behind me. I thought the irony was beautiful. Perfect timing to get up and begin my descent. I was extra cautious on the way down, for fear of a sprained ankle or worse. And I swear, I passed at least 8 groups of hikers. Groups, not just individuals. And all were walking uphill. As if I had chosen the right time to begin my meditation hike (early morning- 11 am or so). And if I had hesitated or gone to my first planned destination, or even the second, there could not have been a better time or place to find clarity. So I thanked nature for being. And I am thankful for being. And I hope to just be. New things are unfolding day by day, and let's be honest, we all love the small surprises too!