When did everything get so hard? Gone are the days of being 25 and free, or at least I am having trouble channeling that spirit in me. It's been years, and most definitely some long hard months, since I felt a skip in my step. I know a lot of folks would say, well you're having trouble letting go- of vanity, of what can't be changed, of your self-anihilating sense of worth, and of that sick and twisted feeling called hate. I'm looking for an answer and the devil awaits my revelation. It feels an exorbitant waste of generalities to blame it on depression, seasonal or not. And if I pinpointed all the moments and triggers that I believe to have altered my mental headspace in the past, it would be a never-ending game of "tag, you're it" and a whole lot of blame. Is blame the cause of guilt, or are they- together- a revolving door that one can never escape, unless they let go? How the hell do you let go of the negative feelings you have about a decision you made, or lack of effort you afforded your soul, the chances you let slip away because you were to caught up in the details- or somedays, the larger picture. The antidote, the illness, the cause, the why, the how, the when! What chemical change, wave, or pattern occurs in your brain from the moment you experience the Present and feel so sure and strongly that what you're doing is just, and what is best for you- to the moment you can look back on it, everything altered, and you feel as though you didn't give it enough of shot, you didn't give it your whole-hearted attention, whatever amount you deserve or, you failed because of fear.
failure
fear
fixation
figments
forget
fun
It's in spite of myself... I hope to forgive.
