I am trying to understand the impermanence of time. Or the substance of time. Einstein is my teacher.
So is educator Leo Buscaglia, but for different reasons. He is an educator who speaks about living with awe as a loving individual and humanity's need for intimacy and sharing life wisdom with everyone, because that is how we grow too, that is the continuance of our learning. And do this NOW! Be present! Marvel at the universe's magic!
And regarding love, Saint-Exupery is another teacher... "Perhaps love is my leading you gently back to yourself."
How's that for some wisdom!!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I think I have created a chaos in my mind all my own...
Egads! It's been a long long while. I have missed the ease of writing then posting, writing then posting, writing then posting, repeat.
Big changes. Big loves. Big llamas. I have moved to my summer home made of plywood and nylon. It has a beautiful vista I have yet to really take in. The next morning I plan to wake early and pay my devoirs to the slow surrender of sunrise. And to boot- I am buying a llama to keep on this land. Crazy I know. I also have a bit of a wrinkle in my love parade. It involves two good men not aware of each other. How have I begotten in this mess? I assume the retraction of my emotions and advances are words enough to explain what I already know. But as usual the one really nice guy I didn't want to hurt, will in fact be the one that I will certainly let down if truth be told. That terrible truth written- I feel even more terrible saying what I will next... I like my Window Sill a lot. And this 'far apartness' that I was totally aware of before we got involved, is fucking annoying. I was feeling major frustration yesterday, because we had just missed each other in town and then cut out on a phone call or two. And since time and place has a coordinator with an evil sense of humor and we just didn't line up enough to see each other, then I would have really liked to talk to him. I guess I need a little more connection than we've been having. And I really want him to extend himself just a bit more to me. Mostly just come to my new summer home, even for two days. I feel slightly 'expected' or 'taken for granted', which is a common theme I noticed with GG too. I know there is a lesson in this though. With GG he was just too darn available, and we spent every moment together, however, when I could have had another person like that with 'of the dawn' it didn't suit me and now with Window Sill, we have less free time to spend frolicking (for lack of a better word) and I crave his company so much more. I really enjoy spending our nights together and doing daily activities with my partner. I'm over this separation thing. When we are together we do all those things a couple in a relationship would do, only we have days between them where there is very little contact. The time we are apart creates anxiety and frustration within me so much so that those moments we have together are clouded with my anger and insecurities, instead of creating a stronger desire and appreciation for the time we do get to spend together. What is this poor girl to do? If I want to give, give, but don't expect the exact same kind of giving in return. I need to stop second guessing my actions/emotions and stop assuming I know what he is thinking. I should just ask him if HE ever gets frustrated by this too. And ask what he hopes for between us. Simple as that.
Big changes. Big loves. Big llamas. I have moved to my summer home made of plywood and nylon. It has a beautiful vista I have yet to really take in. The next morning I plan to wake early and pay my devoirs to the slow surrender of sunrise. And to boot- I am buying a llama to keep on this land. Crazy I know. I also have a bit of a wrinkle in my love parade. It involves two good men not aware of each other. How have I begotten in this mess? I assume the retraction of my emotions and advances are words enough to explain what I already know. But as usual the one really nice guy I didn't want to hurt, will in fact be the one that I will certainly let down if truth be told. That terrible truth written- I feel even more terrible saying what I will next... I like my Window Sill a lot. And this 'far apartness' that I was totally aware of before we got involved, is fucking annoying. I was feeling major frustration yesterday, because we had just missed each other in town and then cut out on a phone call or two. And since time and place has a coordinator with an evil sense of humor and we just didn't line up enough to see each other, then I would have really liked to talk to him. I guess I need a little more connection than we've been having. And I really want him to extend himself just a bit more to me. Mostly just come to my new summer home, even for two days. I feel slightly 'expected' or 'taken for granted', which is a common theme I noticed with GG too. I know there is a lesson in this though. With GG he was just too darn available, and we spent every moment together, however, when I could have had another person like that with 'of the dawn' it didn't suit me and now with Window Sill, we have less free time to spend frolicking (for lack of a better word) and I crave his company so much more. I really enjoy spending our nights together and doing daily activities with my partner. I'm over this separation thing. When we are together we do all those things a couple in a relationship would do, only we have days between them where there is very little contact. The time we are apart creates anxiety and frustration within me so much so that those moments we have together are clouded with my anger and insecurities, instead of creating a stronger desire and appreciation for the time we do get to spend together. What is this poor girl to do? If I want to give, give, but don't expect the exact same kind of giving in return. I need to stop second guessing my actions/emotions and stop assuming I know what he is thinking. I should just ask him if HE ever gets frustrated by this too. And ask what he hopes for between us. Simple as that.
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