I haven't felt this way since long ago....

Fearing God. Fearing Love. Allowing space for negativity. Trying to attract positivity. Hoping to be positive. Want to find joy again.


I made huge regression last night. Childish behavior. Instinctual, but horribly misplaced. It ended up being a disrespectful and degrading experience. But I am craving attention. I miss love. So I seek it in unhealthy unrealistic ways. I need to keep moving. I can't settle right now. I don't feel settled. And even when I sit quietly, it is unsettling instead of meditative. I like to talk the talk, and often walk the walk, but sometimes I find myself contradicting the Truth that I DO know and am blessed to understand. I feel that I just want to check out! I want to get the fuck out of here. And build my own self. I need expansion. I seek more than what is right here in front of me. I want to keep moving. I learn from every experience, and based on last night, I am reminded why I don't behave the way I did in college. It is not a true expression of all that I believe. I believe in higher heights, clear thinking/intention/communication... I seem to be at a stand still with my communication. Verbalizing my wants/desires/needs have been difficult. I feel like a turtle tucked in it's shell, fearful to open up and be vulnerable. Not actually wanting to be affected pos or neg by others. I am trying to control an uncontrollable destiny. I don't know if missing GG is the reality of my feelings? or only in the forefront of my mind because I'm lonely and a little lost? I am over this running and running of my mind and away from wherever I am. Home is where the heart is. God is within. All we need is love. and at that... Let it be!

what a bore I am

I am bored with waiting. I am bored with life. I am bored with boredom. Thats all for now...

straight on till morning....

New Years wasn't so bad, even though my last post reeked of aloofness. We wandered from park to park, swung on swings, drank plenty of champagne, little bit of crown, went to a really beautiful loft where I ended up taking a cat nap on the couch until my other New Years revelers were ready to go home, at five am. I have come to realize the hype is just that... hype. And even if you pay the high price to be at a swanky gathering or not, the most important thing is to enjoy the company you are with. And celebrate THAT!!!

Now I sit in my parents home, lolly-gagging until my laundry is done. I plan to leave for N. California tomorrow, and I cannot wait, for my pace to slow. More than that, I can't wait to be in a place where my natural pace is not judged as lazy. I am all about being present in my breath, my steps, my interactions, and I feel strongly that that is best achieved in nature. And my drinking tendency will fade, so to my smoking, I hope. I have set these goals to better myself and create clarity where there once was not. Go with the wind, and love yourself, for this is what keeps the world in rotation.