I resent the girls for not wanting to be my friend. I know I have changed tremendously in the past year, but...
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.

[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.

Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?

Am I freaking out over nothing?

(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.

They are gaining on me.

I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.

They are gaining on me.

I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.

So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.

...


goodnight

so i like this guy. The same one I spoke about earlier... Anyhow, I like this guy and as I was trying to describe the relationship to an old best friend... she turned to me and said: you need to squash that shit. And I do, and I intend to, and I hope to, and I hope it is the answer I want to hear. Which it quite possibly could be... but I am often too chicken shit to say much more than the mundane. But I did call and leave a slightly saucy message- just a hope-you-sleep-well-you-are- probably-already-sleeping-I'll-call-you-tomorrow-type messege. JESUS, I am having issues typing right now. It's like, I COULD go back and fix/delete the typos but I want to keep writing so I don't ( in part b/c I am lazy) ... case in point I abbreviated 'because', but not 'abbreviated'. Anyhow, I damn well hope the truth comes out.

p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...

I love blogging...

and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...

love, k.

Waiting

As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

now I wish this one wasn't so true...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

ha ha ha... how true.

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

love to be inspired...

I love to be inspired. By strangers, old friends, and intangible things I wouldn't have guessed I'd be inspired by. I love it.
---

So all has been well in my forward progression of blind faith, in trusting JP and not backing out for fear of the unknown. There were a few weeks that I began to freak out, in just the slightest way. But I rallied it back together, and decided that until I leave for Spain, that there is nothing to be unrested about. Ride it out and see what unfolds when you get there. Until then, I know that I have been in high spirits, satisfied by the companionship I have, and actively breaking free of my old habitual tendencies. Amen for changes. And amen for every new day that arrives. I feel free in writing all this NOW, since you have seen me at my lowest points in the past. And it must be satisfying for you to finally read my blog and not have some sappy, wishful-thinking kind of post. (It isn't that kind of thing this time, is it? I talking about all those cosmic send outs to K, etc. It is wishful thinking for the future, not wishing for the past to reoccur.)

**It is funny to me that I wrote 'blind faith' above because that is the epitome of my struggle with my family's religion (catholicism) and with love. Is having the blind faith that it is there, it is possible, and that it works out in the end. I'd always say, but how do I know this guy is the one? How do I know God loves me/there is a heaven? You never know but you can believe enough of it to be true. And although I still question which god I want to believe in, when it comes to JP- I can't even see right in front of me... and that is a GREAT thing.