dark room, sunny outlook...

It's all starting to feel familiar, and normal.

Now I have made it home and I'm not sure I want to go back to Seattle. Definitely not that living situation. Amazing how testing the waters, allow you to feel out the possibilities, and there is no shame in not diving in. Instead, dive in to the deep, here... where you want to be. Moving somewhere new to develop yourself sounds extraneous- it can be done in your very own yard if you have the patience to learn, teach, and create what you want where you are, then the magical part is that it may take you elsewhere!

Oh heck... I'm up to my neck...

Something is making me feel like writing today. Maybe it's the mess in my room looming over my head. Or the mess of my finances acting as an undercurrent. Or, it could be the mess of my dresses that are just driving me crazy.

Writing here has been an afterthought, there is so much else going on that I haven't had but two minutes to sit down and spew something- anything- out... So here I am. Hopefull in the next few hours or the next few days I will feel that creative spark again. So much for quitting smoking... Cravings are beginning right now!

wrapping trappings while dripping trippings...

The days drip past like rains on window. Washing my sill of guilt and queries.

Unsure of what I want, even. I feel I'm asking for something that is too intangible to grasp. Confusing, refusing, amusing myself with ponderings of possibilities. The options are endless, and the waves are relentless. The winds are strong and I soar with them, not resisting the change of direction or emotion. My negra puppy spoons my arm, breathing sleeping being warmth. Trusting. Loving. And beginning again. Tomorrow awaits the sun's shine and I am wrapped in rapture!

bedazzle you, bedazzling me...

Music drips from the fingertips as cool as jazz guitar rhythms cry.
Feet find fault in the celebrity waltz.
Heart stretches out into full extension like a pink balloon.
Mind flutters from thought to thought like a butterfly twitters.
Body heals the itchy hurt as cigarette smoke fumes.
Words babble fluidly as streams of consciousness peruse indexes of my past.
Faith is restored like recycled art renews.
Semicolons are used in questionable combination with colons.
Love is made one day at a time like circus' come to town.
City blooms are found amidst the cold and steel as love shacks are in woods.
I am happy as my dog curls up in warmth like a kitty cat back scratch.

.....


amen.

The beauty of a birthday...

is nothing compared to the beauty you give me in my life. I curl up, delicately, every moment we have had together and tuck it away in a preserving jar of delightful memories. There is room for more and there is hope for many, no matter the space between, there is always a place in my heart for you to be. I love you!!

Not wanting to waste a scrap or bit of parcel, I type into the ether instead, and cross my eyes to oblivion wishing the vision of what is right in front of me were clearer. It would be real if I held it in my hands and tinkered with the lace laid on the page, and the precise lettering needed for words to breathe life, and the heart that lives in my fingertips and pervades every ounce of sparkle within me.

Instead I lay, in soft fuzzy me-ness, the neediness of seeing to believe is curiously... gone.

An accurate reflection of my heart's landscape...

It has been a rosy road all along. Definitely full of bumps and construction, and high altitude climbing; but there have also been moments of free wheeling downhill cruises, and straightaways where I have been allowed to view some unbelievable sunsets (and sunrises). I must remember the beauty amongst all the tears. The joy I have felt in balance to the sorrow. The bitter with the sweet. Why stay in a place that breeds insecurity and unfulfillment just for lack of something better/else? Clearing out this trunk of memories allows me to be free in thought and action and create space for newness and awesomeness that is right around the bend. My goal today is to be flexible and fluid and to LET GO of expectations and boxes I assume ARE me. They are experiences I have had, but do not define who I am. I am always Truesatori. I am always a lover. And I have had spiritual awakenings. And I have had loves. They were all there as education. To better develop the understanding of my soul. And there are many more for me to have. This life ain't over anytime soon, so I need to pick up my bootstraps and trudge on, through the muck AND the flowers. I can let go of some things and I can hold on to others... but the most important things is for me to never lose myself. Never lose the love for yourself. That is deserved and the only thing you can expect. Hearts torn to pieces over uncontrollable events are evil's best opportunity to infiltrate. You must begin to fill all the holes and keep all the joy growing constantly. This is my moonshine for the evening.

Crazy for feeling so bleu...

This is stupid. I don't want to be apart from you. This loneliness factor is a trump card. I want to be in your company and sleep next to you at night. I'm so tempted to call you right now and say this. But I have a hankering that even if I told you this, that your response would be lack the emotion and not include "I miss you too". Blah! I wish you did. I wish you were able to see my awesomeness and want to be a part of it, but you don't, at least not in the way of my terms, so we break up. And this is where I find myself today.
-----
A full moon discussion that culminated in tears and hugs and thank you's but no's. Oh to be at the beginning again, and see all that would happen down our road. I wish we were more like parenthesis. and didn't need ellipsis as often as I use punctuation like these. I am surrounded by trees of cheese and reciprocity, yet i don't want to give, I only want to take.

I wish I had a billion friends, but there is only a few, and I feel like crying, but not infront of them... so I hibernate. But want to get the hell out of here and take a walk. I wish I had taken him on a hike. I also though I had 350 laying around somewhere... oh fuck!

feeling lost...

Trying to work out my boredom. Filling it with guitar playing, song writing, crafting and sewing, yet something is still missing. Wanting to move on from my current relationship, and naturally fearful of that. Missing everything as it whizzes past me, and wondering where my balance went, or if I even ever had it before. Contentment has never seemed more ideal.