still more...

a few weeks ago-

I find trusting people, near impossible. If I could find a miracle remedy to the loss of trust I feel, I would take it. I hate not telling people anything. Keeping the truth to myself. Not allowing friends to know who I am and what I feel. I think lunch with D tomorrow will be long awaited and healthy for us. Building back that trust we had will take a little more time. But I am hopeful and anxious for the meeting to take place. I cannot hide from people in my life.

---I think people like me because I am so mysterious. I am not saying that because I think it is right I am so mysterious. I do it unintentionally. I am such a shy person I rarely give anything away. I rarely have something to say so I smile and make eye contact and that is what makes people think we have a connection. Too far fetched??? I don’t think I am too good for anyone, I just don’t know how to be with someone.


.................................................
today-

I am tired of people going too far with me… before anything is established. I am wholeheartedly not trying to seem conceited, but the guys that approach…scratch that…the guys that seem to misinterpret my friendliness, take it too far by hitting on me/trying to makeout with me, when all I want is the friendship. C, R, S, R… they cross the line by either spilling their feelings onto me or by touching me too frequently and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact I have to turn down every guy. But how can I convey that I am purely not LOOKING to have a relationship with anyone/I don’t want THAT or to have anything going on with them… the right thing will appear before me and I’ll know. (And by relationship I mean physical/sexual, not necessarily a RELATIONSHIP, but everyone thinks that that is what I am expecting their advances to mean.) They think I am weirding out about it, why I can’t just have fun… WELL IT IS BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, I WISH THERE WERE NO ADVANCES BY THOSE GUYS PERIOD/EVER/AGAIN.

poem in threes

Wandering traveler

Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight

Weary traveler
…




But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…

The truth is I don’t know my passion.

Passionate.
To feel passion.


There has to be something that one is passionate about.

I am passionless.
But only for awhile.

Now...

8/31/05

I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground

I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up

I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future

The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb

Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright

--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light

I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America

I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight

I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:

No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.

I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.

an old poem #1

First Time

I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook

If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.

I have so much more to say about Josh...

but right now the thoughts are confusing. Give me some time.

it's halloween

Does anyone else go through stages with their friends where they are super tight for awhile, and then just filter into rarely seeing them anymore?

For some subconscious reason I am growing farther apart from my best friends. When I first moved back I was more than excited to be with my girls again, the core I was so comfortable with. And then I began to imagine that living in the City had changed me or I had grown into a different way of life. I found myself finding that we had less in common than before. And I don't mean to say I changed in a superior way, just in a different sort of way. (I am trying to convey a very discombobulated and intangible experience, so bear with me.) Basically I feel like I don't fit in to their "circle" anymore. Because I missed alot of things they experienced, they kept up with the SF club scene, with friends out here, etc. And although I experienced alot without them as well, I feel like I am lacking any understanding of their lives. I don't like to do the things we used to do together and when I do do those things I am bored and not really "all there". I still love them dearly and wish I didn't impose this barrier between us but I can't help it. I know things will go back to normal soon enough, bt until then I will spend Halloween without them. End rant.


***I saw my ex boyfriend from two maybe three years ago... and that opened a can of beans in my heart.This guy was as important as K. He scarred me, so I scarred myself as a result and imposed this barrier between men and me. I saw him last night, but was too scared to say a thing to him. I don't know if/when he saw me, there was any recognition. But all I know is I wish I had the cajones to say something... ANYTHING. I acted like a wimp. For that I am a bit angry at myself for. Even still, I needed to break this barrier, and I believe just the sight of him lastnight, was triumph enough over alot of pain and guilt. So goodbye J. You were a beautiful time in my life, but you were not what made me beautiful. And I have to see the sun set on my attachment to you. I am waiting patiently for my love to come... and it will be here soon. I have faith.

blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, my past few posts have been so bor-ing! I am preparing for a really good one...

All things Brazilian...

How do you know who you should date or who you shouldn't? And how do you decide to spend time with one or the other. We probably are capable of hanging out with any one person we meet, and making the relationship work. So who is your "soul mate"? And out of all the many, which one do you follow up on. I know, I know, I am making it sound technical.

I don't know if you speak what you think I'd want to hear, but I speak from the heart, and react in a way that is totally me, to the core. But I am always afraid the guy is putting on an act and smiling, complimenting me, talking about the stars, random stuff, whatever, to use and abuse me. I am probably just being too sensitive. N. said "Don't be scared, I can tell." an something along the lines of 'if you'd only loosen up' or 'relax, I don't bite'. But he didn't use a cheesy line like 'bite'.
The K. he sees encourages that true statement, I am super selfconscious. And not about my weight as much as I complain about that, but selfconscious of my sexuality/sensuality, of guys seeing me, the way I dance, what I wear, and I am terrified of them responding and coming on to me. I am so weird, I am hopefully the only girl who thinks of themselves vs. men like that. Actually I know I am not the only female that believes men other than our fathers, to be untruthful, manipulative, and

Maybe the difference between N. and E. is that N. was dancing with me and touching my waist and ogling me, E. was definately looking at me, checking me out and dancing with me, but did not invade my space by touching me, except when mutual.

J. has the common sense I need. He makes friendly fun of me for drinking during the weekdays, and smoking all the pot I do. Onetime he said it, I responded by saying "your not my boyfriend, you can't say that". But I could see that he has a gentle, genuine caring for my/any females wellbeing, And that his guidance might straighten me out.
Even though he may seem a player, he does have high values and respect for females. Maybe it's the Brazilian in him. I don't know.

E. is just so cute with the best green eyes ever. His dad is Italian, his mom Brazilian. Double SEXY!!! And we talked about things other than normal small talk. Stars, constellations, other beliefs, family. Was it all for show? And then is it fucked up to be attracted/date him since he kissed JeNeel. That was totally a drunken kiss at a bar nonetheless. And nothing ever came of it. But he is so cute and seemed really sweet. I wonder if he said anything to J. about me, (I am totally getting caught up in the Brazilian drama/web/romance) And if he did did they all say stuff/share stories, do they know J. crushes on me... is my head big enough yet???? By share stories I meant just talk about what I said to each of them, how I danced with one and felt the others eyes on me, do they care to talk about me in that way? Part of the time I was uncomfortable dancing. And this morning I realized in their Brazilian culture that people dance together platonically. The sexual energy is everywhere, but most people dance and don't feel like THEY'VE JUST HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND REAL EMOTIONS WERE INVOLVED. I can't not involve my emotions, even with the most trivial of interactions. I feel like there is always a sexual connection to anyone I meet (usually male), and that gets in the way of making new platonic friends and from having a romantic relationship with the guy.

more random thoughts:

I am fucked up and want to get fucked up all the time... do I have a problem and can somebody help me????

I am "unfuckwitable".

I write too, you know.

I am not sure what to write, but I really felt like typing.

There was a pretty young girl with yellow ringlets. No, not that Goldilocks, but another with gold locks, Lily. One day she decided to go to school, so that she could learn a whole bunch of new things. Life in the trees, can be very lonely. And Lily liked to draw. She would draw with charcoal. She would draw with ink. She would draw with pencil, clay, and oils. So this young girl went to school. Where she had to do things like read english books and use a super-computing calculator. But it ended up not being as fun as life in the trees, where you can do what you want, when you want. So she made another choice and left. This time leaving with no certainty of returning. And she didn't for a while. But one day after another long while of swinging from tree to tree, Lily chose to settle somewhere that was just like home. This is where she finally had the time to take a book off the shelf. She opened it to the prologue, and began to indulge line by line. The book did not close until many hours later, when young Lily set it down and announced her monumetal decision, to go back to school. The End.




Not much, but a first attempt at a short story in a LOOONG while.

I hate when people stick their nose in your business...

What?!? My best friend moved here without telling anyone(not even I), and she didn't call me, it's been two weeks, and now my friends say I'm in the wrong and should call her... bullshit. She made the move, all secret and everything, if she was interested in talking to me she'd do the work. I played the "bigger person" and called her today. We'll see if she calls back. After that... IT AIN'T MY FAULT!!! And it ain't my responsibility, and it ain't nobody's business why we aren't talking. I am tired of people asking why we haven't spoken, and then they have the nerve to comment "you guys are so funny" YOU, R., DON'T KNOW A LICK ABOUT MY LIFE, AND UNTIL YOU DO-which you never will- SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I've been stuck in a time warp...

This is from an old journal entry, but I thought they were poignant words, worthy of a repeat...

---

There are things I should have gotten over, but I was stuck in a time warp where all I could comprehend, were things of the past. Those moments became my present. And now I am stuck in the future without all the release and lessons I should have learned.

I imagine how the city sucked me in and held me there awhile. Suspended inbetween two planes of existance, reality and pseudoreality.

Of course I enjoyed my time in the city. But it was missing that huge "it factor".
And I still don't know what "it" was, what I needed, why I isolated myself the way I did.

The city hoovered me up in it's whirlwind existance. It blew me around just enough to disorient me, and then spewed me out- a little bruised, a little dusty, and still totally confused.

Life is there to confuse us and we just like to complicate it further.

---

Cheers to LIVING!

another attempt at public poetry...gotta love it.

These systematic notches on my waistline
Are created by every baker of couture fashion
Whose sizes will only fit me if I don’t eat that
key lime pie.

---
But why
Why die just to be thin
Try and squeeze in
to "fit in"
Only to quit every quick and fading fast fad diet.

Why ignore the comfort
the connection
the confection
so the size fits just right, is

really the only question when I ask myself
why are these pants so snug
why don’t I have a man to lean in and hug
If only I’d enjoy myself and indulge in
My life
My body
My spirit
My soul
And realize the right size is just this
I am me
And these are my hips
My thighs
And my voluptuous ass
Love it!

No matter the number of bakers baking the precise
Small dress size is nice
“Oh, dessert?”
I’ll have to think twice
…and pass.

Because these systematic notches in my waistline
Are so untrue for me
so unnatural
I have to work twice as hard to NOT get it
Because I love it.
I love that creamy tarty key lime pie
Especially when I’m told I shouldn’t.
Especially when I believe, “Oh I couldn’t”
That very delectable key lime pie is nothing but sweet to me.

Believe me I’ve tried it.
Every yoyo, jelly craig, no thanks I’ll watch my own weight diet.
And here I am
Same rosy cheeked, big boned, childbearing, curvy booty chick
It’s the same shit

Gotta love it!

What? Is everyone too busy to post?

*************

None of my friends have blogged anything recently. And it's driving me berserk. I need to hear a little voice from the otherside. I guess I am just really waiting for two people to write something for me to read. I have two friends that truly are at a professional-author level. I may not be, due to my run-ons and overuse of cliches. I am always elated when I see there is a new post. Some are poems, and some are life stories, and some are baseball scores. They are always entertaining and eloquent.

I used to write single thoughts down then press "Return", and change where I was going with a thought frequently- usually mid typing. I think I have come to organize my writing a litlle better than I have in the past. You may not agree.

I still love writing and I still love you. But blog goddamnit!

Woe was me, but I'm better now.

I'm sitting here bored. Last night was a selfmade sad night. I felt overwhelmed, underappreciated, unhappy, and unsure. My emotions got the best of me. But sometimes you just need one night of wallowing in your misery before it's another beautiful sunny day to turn it all around, which it happens to be today.

I should go on a bike ride, I haven't since R'nRiver.

Salud to this sunny day. Adios amigo.

magic dream

I used to have a semi-recurring dream where I could jump into the air and fly. Just a little jump to start then I'd swim breaststroke and get higher and higher.

I could swim/fly over cities. And land on rooftops, jump off and fly again.

Sometimes just to fly for fun.
Sometimes I was being chased and had to escape.

---

I feel like this year I have aged so much.
More in these past months than in years.
I mean in the scheme of things.
In the grand picture.
And not "aged" in a good way.

...the year 2005. It is already August, my year of 23 is already half over. I have six more months to be this glorified/"lucky" age. And all I can think is that I've got to DO something before its over. If there has ever been a time that I have felt my life is in limbo- it is now. I just don't know what I am going to do- go to school, take a trip (*), meet a boy, etc. If I go to school when, where. If I want to travel I have to keep working, There is so much more to life than work. And that is all I am doing. It's about breaks, and time spent wisely with family and friends. Quality relationships and not financial friendships. I am in limbo between DOing something and NOT DOing SOMEthing. I want those quality moments, and am unable to have them while I work, but am unable to have them if I don't work. Visiting up north and friends. That is partly why I moved home, I missed them. I wanted to see more of them, and I still don't spend as much time as i wish I could with those people I love.

But I hope that SOMEthing, is the right thing. I love life. And I love alot of people.

I wish I could dream up the power to freeze time.

Are you hearing me?

I originally started blog, with the intention for it to be the most absolute anonymous spew of words I have here on the information superhighway. And sometimes I find myself following that and sometimes I find myself having loose lips and letting out an obvious fact or two. Other than those few, I have kept this one blog pretty damn private but just as expressive, and I like it that way. I only have a handful of friends who might read this and that really takes the stress off writing. But I digress,

I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. For being the reader and "the ear" even if only in my imagination.

amos lee has a sexy voice

So I once was bored... but now I've found work. Yay! I may have already written that I am am in the restaurant biz, and that is good. Any work is good work, and lots of it is even better money. I must admit...

It's strange to be back. In the same old/good old neighborhood. Same crowd of people. It is fine for right now. But I keep having pangs of desire for the city. For small things, deli s (where you get your egg-ham-cheese roll, coffee, and oj- the hangover cure), the crazy streets (where it's okay for you to block out strangers with big ass headphones), the subway (for as much as I would complain that it hurts my ears it wasn't that bad), okay, big things. But only sometimes.

I enjoy home for the comfort and peacefulness of it. And for that I am thankful I am even able to experience. I just wish I could instantly be transported to the city just for certain goings on or so I can go downstairs and get that hangover cure.

Here it is definately the same neighborhood (just a few new houses) and the same people (people I want to see and some I don't care to).

Things will have to change... especially within. And they will, I have only just started decompressing. Actually I started the day my plane landed, but either I was so compressed that it's gonna take a while, or it's been over and this is my life now- I just have to deal. Only kidding. I am working on becoming the better human I want to be, and I'm working on my vices... DESIRES!

But until then, work, work, work (and a little R'n'River)

Pass me that bottle of wine!

bored and not much else

I am struggling with profound thoughts... or rather I am struggling to even have them. So today, I will not use such cliches and fancy wording that I usually try to use.

This myspace shit is getting out of control. Anyone and everyone is on it...well except the one I really want to find. I told myself I would not check it for a week. A week is a good time to kind of forget you even have an account. Except that I think about who could possibly be "finding" me, ALL THE TIME. And that is where my strife begins. RECYCLE.

My mother has been obsessed with the internet since before there were any pretty pictures to entice you with. Back when html was the only way to design a webpage. And as it has developed and grown, it has almost sucked her dry of any socialness(?) she once had. Now, I am not going to begin bashing the internet... I would be a hypocrite. But I ask, when is all this too much and too easy? And all these "look at mypicture and become myfriend" type websites, are becoming synonymous with actually making friends at the personal level.

What happened to the days of olde?

----------

Sorry that came out of nowhere, I'm not even sure where I planned to go with all that... a fragment of a thought.

So enough of that deep thought...

Yesterday I putzed around in the city, bought some cds, a shirt, consumed. The day before, I went on a job interview, a bike ride. Slowly working towards some semblance of existance, atleast enough to call my own.

enjoy today!

You Haven't Seen Me Since February

I haven't had the itch to write in months. So I'll start slow. I have relocated my living quarters, so now I call Cali my home.

The city had grown out of me, or so I thought. But now I sit within the four walls of my parents home, and ponder the moment/event that proved to be too much and made me leave? Was it really the uncomfortable way I had been living... small quarters? And even smaller social circles? I am not really sure. I do know that I am happy to be HERE NOW. But not necassarily happy to be here forever.

I've been home for three weeks, and I have mostly been doing the spiritual-search-thing, and I haven't really thought about my best friend or where she is. That is strange. Before it would have been different.

By spiritual-search-thing, I guess I mean the outdoors-getting-back-with-nature-and-not-spending-too-much-time-near-ANY-tall-buildings-thing. Which is what I've been dreaming about since the moment I moved away.

I have hardly spent more then a few days at my parent's home. When I begin to settle in and actually spend time with them, my world will crumble. And not because of spending time with them, but the actuality of my existance in a new stage in my life will be fully realized. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

I thought, when I was planning to leave the city, that my life would go as usual only in a different place. But as wrong as I was before, I am wrong again.

I hate that my memories are so eden-like. That the things I can remember or HOW I remember those things are so glorified and magical. When it is only that way because that is what memories are... a beautified version of what you have lived with and through. By doing this you will always remember those moments as the best of times. And true they quite possibly could have been the best of times, but look furthur...

Every split second of your life is lived to perfection. And not with the pressure of perfection, but in the higher's way and light, guiding to your destiny.

Every day of your life you have lived in the best way possible. Those memories seem golden because every moment of your life is a unique collision of instances, that make way for a beautiful human being to exist.

Now I know, I am getting a little googoo, but this is my therapy for all my lifes changes. It enables me to accept change and differences. Back to the main point...

Like I adjusted to life in the city, I must adjust to living back in Cali. My life cannot be lived as usual because this is a different place and time to be living here. At 23, I am here again, in my hometown, yet I have never been here as this. I have never seen this place as who I am now. (Best believe I have changed in the past months.)

I remember Cali, just as it was before I left, big city, exciting, funky, home to me, and home to friends, the city of opportunity. Now I hardly see it at all. And getting a job, apartment, any of that, is just a little too permanent and lackluster for me, right now.

I am the type of person that must keep moving, I have the urge and desire to constantly reshape myself through experiences, and as much as I cannot wait for my next excursion, I have to slow and realize that this very moment and the many to come ARE/IS my next excursion.

It is right here in front of me, if only I pause to breathe.

"I am grabbing "life" by the torso and flying at high-speeds" -my sister.

I love that my sister feels this way! -It's about time too.

is it okay to have silent feelings???

And is it justifiable to keep these silent feelings silent, even if it concerns the most important person in your life?

I had a thought that was irrational and really just silly for me to even feel, I didn't tell want to tell a soul. But I wrote it in my journal...not this online/for all to see one, but my real journal, the only private place I think. I share my room with my best friend and the apartment with my sister. So it is literally the ONLY place/thing I have ultimate privacy in, and am able to write out my thoughts down without fear.
The other day I came home to find my journal misplaced...definately not where I left it. I kind of panicked because the thought of someone reading my journal freaked me out. Not for any other reason than the trust I have of someone else to value my privacy. Even if from the outside you aren't sure what it is, don't you realize what you are doing after the first sentence?

Anyhow, my thoughts were exposed.
Not publically, that probably would have been better. Instead, the very person I didn't want to read it, did.

Now, what I had written wasn't just a thought I could have said to my best friend. It was a feeling I've had for awhile, but one that was really absurd and one that I barely understood myself and one I definately didn't want to tell her. This was a feeling I'd have liked to stay silent in my mind. I guess I was the moron who wrote it down on paper, but she was the moron who read my journal. And now there is a whole trust issue. Before, I trusted her completely and vice versa.

The sensitive subject came up at dinner, and while I avoided admitting my silent feeling to her, she tried to bring up what she read in a roundabout way, telling me "I don't need to lie to her", and she knows there is something else that is bothering me. At this point, the subject of my entry is the least of my concern. I had a feeling she knew it the moment I saw my journal moved. But the fact of the matter is, that she read my journal...my private journal...and that REALLY PISSES ME OFF. For that, I wish I could withhold the truth from her, but she already knows my silent thought.

I've had this happen once in middle school. I had written a note, someone found it, and showed it to the person it concerned. Lots of drama ensued. I should have learned my lesson the first time.

Is this ever possible to get away with?

It's not even like I'm always writing stuff about her in my journal. Literally I have only written about her twice, in my six years of keeping a journal. That is an excellent track record. She just happened across my most recent entry.

Right now I think she is a bitch.

babylon is falling... and so are the stars in my eyes.

babylon- "a city or place of luxury, sensuality, and often vice and corruption" american heritage dictionary 4th ed.

When I was planning to move here, my friends joked that I was choosing babylon, and to live there wisely. Well, I have lived here... I don't know how wisely, nor do I know if I am any wiser than before. I am more disgruntled, that I know.

I have had the hardest time adjusting- from the surface you'd think I adjusted and fit in fine, but if you really ask me- I think I'm just really good at assimilating and finding ways to cope in situations that are less than beneficial.

(Well, that was a little too harsh.) I think coming here was beneficial to an extent. I never have to drive, which has kept my mind free of certain nagging thoughts. I moved here and right away was faced with quite a few experiences I had to have, for myself and for my sister and for my best friend. These experiences of the past five months were moments that none of us could have really gotten through alone. I've also learned that I CAN live almost anywhere, if only I just do it and don't wait. And I know that living here in the city has changed me in ways that I am not able to see myself- but others can.

Because ultimately... right now... I feel like I am at the exact same crossroads as I was one year ago...
when my life was thrown up into chaos.

There were supposed to be changes made in my life to remedy the situation I had gotten myself into. Well, I am still self destructive and unhappy because I suppress certain things and don't accept other things. And I still drink alcohol, and still smoke- both things I decided were better for me to quit last year.

I moved here and, granted, I am not faced with the necessity to drive...EVER. But I still act and behave in less than positive ways, because I am easily corruptable especially in a place full of my vices (sex, drugs, and luxury).

No, sex is not the only root of my problem. It is my issues with sex that prevents/protect me from having any. A little self imposed, but also not completely. This shell I have created, leaves no room for me to grab on to life by the reins, instead I sheepishly lurk around waiting for life to happen.

And the driving thing. It is nice not having any problem getting anywhere, it is truly a blessing. But I haven't thought/reflected/dealt with my D. Alternatively, I swept it neatly under my carpet and have yet done any kind of deep spring cleaning. The emotions I have about my stupidity etc., are still very real. I have not yet let go.

And I fear that moving home to cali, could be a disaster. I will not have a car, nor any money to buy one. I will be susceptible to feeling the same energy I had when I left. Which was why I up and left in the first place. I need another buffer zone... I am not ready to move back and commit to a cali life... but babylon is killing me slowly, only this time it's loud and clear!

"So you know this", you say. "Why don't you change something?", you ask.
Because that is like jumping off into a whole new world I don't know, I respond.

"But you moved to the city and that was an enormous change",you defend.
Different kind", I argue.

I have a hard time imagining how my life could possibly stay the same, with such a change.
Stay with that thought. I know this change would be a huge emotional change for myself and my inner spirit would be free again. But how could my friendships, beliefs, and lifestyle stay the same. I feel if I change this, than I'll lose my interest in everything that goes along with it... WHICH IS MY LIFE.

I know I keep saying I want something different--- but I need my friendships to stay. I know for a fact that my close friends are not simply drinking buddies (like most of my college friends), that I'll lose if I quit everything. But I am afraid I'll change for the worst. And that is paralyzing.

I feel the differences between us will become so vast, too vast to maintain what we have. This thought has as much to do with drinking, as it does with the city.

Here I thought I'd be able to make the changes I deemed necessary, but I've only made them worse. I don't believe that I've become a person I completely disapprove of. I don't think I could. But, I fall victim to instances I disapprove of (no matter how often I forget they are).

The city allows for as much as you want to happen. And what used to be a glamorous, exciting, revelation, has become the bane of my existance. My friends were correct in calling it babylon. Because everything really IS at your fingertips, good and bad. It is a location where it can tease you and get the best of you and leave you shriveled on the side.

I have yet to find a friend that I feel identifies with me fully and vice versa. I constantly feel an alienation, screaming "we are nothing like you", "we don't understand where you come from". And it is not so much the NOTION of that difference that gets me down. As a common humanity we can have our millions of differences.

But, this place... is NOTHING that I aspire to know or be. And I wonder about the people IN IT who love it- how much could we possibly have in common. That I believe is the truth. I know the city is there for others and works for others, but not me. The exposure to everything doesn't allow me to change. I know, have and love people and places that do FEEL me. And It is eating away at my insides to not have that.

I have no desire to live in a place like this anymore. It is not me, it is not FOR me, "I do not like it, Sam I am, I do not like green eggs and ham".

I need thousands of grains of salt to take with my life right now... my tastebuds are turning to mush.

smashing fashion

I went to a fashion show today... full of runways, celebrity sightings, and wacked out fashion.

I then realized, the couture industry is a hideous display of self. self promotion, self indulgence, self involvement, self disgust (which in some cases leads to self harm), and I don't want any part in it.

We consume fashion like the world is ending, and that is exactly why those selfish industries are making it so big. The average consumer feels like they can't live the rest of their life if not wearing the newest color, cut, and/or the hottest designer's style.

Don't take this article the wrong way...I am not bashing the designers themselves. I have much more than total respect for fashion designers. They are artists designing exquisite works of art from the most beautiful arrays of fabrics and materials. If I could only be so lucky .

It is the industry itself and the people that are attracted to that industry, the wearers, the reporters, the attitudes, the selfishness. It makes me sick to know the ugliness that hides beneath it all.

Don't get too caught up in the whirl wind of things in this business. Because it is not what is real.
--------
Okay okay, I know I got very morbid and cryptic towards the end... reading just the title, you would have expected something quite the opposite.

It was also that way. It was the way it was, exciting, beautiful, and glamorous. But how could I forget the lights, the cameras, the models, the hustle, the bustle, the b list celebrities (mya, dennis rodman, and that gay guy from that design show).
--------
It was a once in a lifetime event...for me. Enjoyable. And yet another difference dividing my best friendship.

she hit the nail on the head

My best friend told me I've been getting "weird", now I know she meant it with love. But it still hurt. At that moment, I didn't want to talk about my unhappiness or anything like that, but that comment got to me. I couldn't speak. I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to answer. The answer is too hard for me to say to her...

I think my dislike of the city makes me think/realize how different we really are and I can't get that thought out of my head. I have a hard time seperating her from the city and the city from her. And the fact that she's loving it and has great love for it- makes me wonder what we have in common anymore. She is so different from me. That may have been a good thing, for a time. But right now I need someone who's LIKE me.


I think I am lost.

Sometimes I think I am lost,
wandering like a riding hood.

Never following the clear path,
because I grow curious along the way.

And find myself talking to strangers,
in strange places.

And injesting strange foods and spirits,
in strange fashion.

That is when I am lost.
But I can feel lost even when at home.

Wondering how the very people with whom I live,
are really a few strangers I met along the way.

Chance occurences that made all the difference,
that I have always assumed meant nothing.

Feelings taken for granted,
friendships lost so long, they are simply strangers.

When nothing can be lost,
being lost means everything.

"Excuse me sir, do you know where THIS is?"
"I can tell you it's not where you are going."

"But how will I get there?"
"You shall arrive when you find your way."

I must stick to the path and not dally,
I am expected to be somewhere by sometime.

If only I could remember how to get there,
Now I think I am lost.

In the woods, where the trees are skyscrapers,
the flowers are painted on, and the sources of sound are unending.

I keep looking but there are many things to see,
It's not easy to find the way.

So, I regret to inform you, I've gotten lost along the path,
I am sorry but will be very glad when I do find it again.

Then the sooner I will be home,
and the sooner I will know myself."

this is a test run

hello out there.