babylon- "a city or place of luxury, sensuality, and often vice and corruption" american heritage dictionary 4th ed.
When I was planning to move here, my friends joked that I was choosing babylon, and to live there wisely. Well, I have lived here... I don't know how wisely, nor do I know if I am any wiser than before. I am more disgruntled, that I know.
I have had the hardest time adjusting- from the surface you'd think I adjusted and fit in fine, but if you really ask me- I think I'm just really good at assimilating and finding ways to cope in situations that are less than beneficial.
(Well, that was a little too harsh.) I think coming here was beneficial to an extent. I never have to drive, which has kept my mind free of certain nagging thoughts. I moved here and right away was faced with quite a few experiences I had to have, for myself and for my sister and for my best friend. These experiences of the past five months were moments that none of us could have really gotten through alone. I've also learned that I CAN live almost anywhere, if only I just do it and don't wait. And I know that living here in the city has changed me in ways that I am not able to see myself- but others can.
Because ultimately... right now... I feel like I am at the exact same crossroads as I was one year ago...
when my life was thrown up into chaos.
There were supposed to be changes made in my life to remedy the situation I had gotten myself into. Well, I am still self destructive and unhappy because I suppress certain things and don't accept other things. And I still drink alcohol, and still smoke- both things I decided were better for me to quit last year.
I moved here and, granted, I am not faced with the necessity to drive...EVER. But I still act and behave in less than positive ways, because I am easily corruptable especially in a place full of my vices (sex, drugs, and luxury).
No, sex is not the only root of my problem. It is my issues with sex that prevents/protect me from having any. A little self imposed, but also not completely. This shell I have created, leaves no room for me to grab on to life by the reins, instead I sheepishly lurk around waiting for life to happen.
And the driving thing. It is nice not having any problem getting anywhere, it is truly a blessing. But I haven't thought/reflected/dealt with my D. Alternatively, I swept it neatly under my carpet and have yet done any kind of deep spring cleaning. The emotions I have about my stupidity etc., are still very real. I have not yet let go.
And I fear that moving home to cali, could be a disaster. I will not have a car, nor any money to buy one. I will be susceptible to feeling the same energy I had when I left. Which was why I up and left in the first place. I need another buffer zone... I am not ready to move back and commit to a cali life... but babylon is killing me slowly, only this time it's loud and clear!
"So you know this", you say. "Why don't you change something?", you ask.
Because that is like jumping off into a whole new world I don't know, I respond.
"But you moved to the city and that was an enormous change",you defend.
Different kind", I argue.
I have a hard time imagining how my life could possibly stay the same, with such a change.
Stay with that thought. I know this change would be a huge emotional change for myself and my inner spirit would be free again. But how could my friendships, beliefs, and lifestyle stay the same. I feel if I change this, than I'll lose my interest in everything that goes along with it... WHICH IS MY LIFE.
I know I keep saying I want something different--- but I need my friendships to stay. I know for a fact that my close friends are not simply drinking buddies (like most of my college friends), that I'll lose if I quit everything. But I am afraid I'll change for the worst. And that is paralyzing.
I feel the differences between us will become so vast, too vast to maintain what we have. This thought has as much to do with drinking, as it does with the city.
Here I thought I'd be able to make the changes I deemed necessary, but I've only made them worse. I don't believe that I've become a person I completely disapprove of. I don't think I could. But, I fall victim to instances I disapprove of (no matter how often I forget they are).
The city allows for as much as you want to happen. And what used to be a glamorous, exciting, revelation, has become the bane of my existance. My friends were correct in calling it babylon. Because everything really IS at your fingertips, good and bad. It is a location where it can tease you and get the best of you and leave you shriveled on the side.
I have yet to find a friend that I feel identifies with me fully and vice versa. I constantly feel an alienation, screaming "we are nothing like you", "we don't understand where you come from". And it is not so much the NOTION of that difference that gets me down. As a common humanity we can have our millions of differences.
But, this place... is NOTHING that I aspire to know or be. And I wonder about the people IN IT who love it- how much could we possibly have in common. That I believe is the truth. I know the city is there for others and works for others, but not me. The exposure to everything doesn't allow me to change. I know, have and love people and places that do FEEL me. And It is eating away at my insides to not have that.
I have no desire to live in a place like this anymore. It is not me, it is not FOR me, "I do not like it, Sam I am, I do not like green eggs and ham".
I need thousands of grains of salt to take with my life right now... my tastebuds are turning to mush.
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