I don't remember the last time i wrote something meaningful... to you or myself. My mind has been in La La Land. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and the choices are plentiful but vastly different. I hope for a light heart and spirit and properly following, mind. I am just an idiot when it comes to maintaining relationships. For no other reason than my unconscious goodwill to fuck things up right when they are going smooth. I love the ladies. But for some inexplicable reason, shit is awkward. They open up to me and I cannot tell a wilt of my life for fear of being judged or discarded in the 'not cool enough' pile. It was not always like this... in fact, it has never been like this. I have lost my semblence of selfconfidence, and I don't have a clue where I left it. I have always been overly sure of myself and taking chances for the pure joy in the unexpected/unknown... and somewhere between the City and now I was led astray. I might blame JP. I might blame the City experience. But that is old news, and JP is just an ex. And neither take into account my resolve to divide myself from all things local and comfortable... They feel stale. I have a stale mind right now. I need a fresh flow of energy and a new extracurricular activity. Or I will go insane. I know if I told the ladies that I wanted to do, they'd be behind me 110%. Which is beautiful and there should be more blessed people that share love as freely as they do. But I would begin to feel like a failure if i didn't follow through. I associate school with failure. And I expect to fail out, because that is all I have known and expected before. What is that called when you look at things in that way... self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I believe that that is the way it may go, that is the way it will go.. I need a positive outlook on things as simple as that. I am radiating negative energy and I am not about that at all. But I feel the radiation. I feel it before others point it out to me. And I know other people feel it because they point it out to me. Light. Love. Livity. And all things good. There are blessed goddesses at every interval of life and there are gods walking right next to them.. Do not forget the balance.. Share yourself for balance.
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It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...
