f that...

When did everything get so hard? Gone are the days of being 25 and free, or at least I am having trouble channeling that spirit in me. It's been years, and most definitely some long hard months, since I felt a skip in my step. I know a lot of folks would say, well you're having trouble letting go- of vanity, of what can't be changed, of your self-anihilating sense of worth, and of that sick and twisted feeling called hate. I'm looking for an answer and the devil awaits my revelation. It feels an exorbitant waste of generalities to blame it on depression, seasonal or not. And if I pinpointed all the moments and triggers that I believe to have altered my mental headspace in the past, it would be a never-ending game of "tag, you're it" and a whole lot of blame. Is blame the cause of guilt, or are they- together- a revolving door that one can never escape, unless they let go? How the hell do you let go of the negative feelings you have about a decision you made, or lack of effort you afforded your soul, the chances you let slip away because you were to caught up in the details- or somedays, the larger picture. The antidote, the illness, the cause, the why, the how, the when! What chemical change, wave, or pattern occurs in your brain from the moment you experience the Present and feel so sure and strongly that what you're doing is just, and what is best for you- to the moment you can look back on it, everything altered, and you feel as though you didn't give it enough of shot, you didn't give it your whole-hearted attention, whatever amount you deserve or, you failed because of fear.

failure
fear
fixation

figments
forget
fun


It's in spite of myself... I hope to forgive.

Sleep rest less my love...

I slept/slipped through the crack in my bed into a dreamy land I can't recall.  Awoke missing my love every time. 

Little Dragon is the shiznit...

YouTube

Tangerine tangents...

Bored of mindless wanderings, and waiting endlessly for the fruit of anticipation. Expectation is a terrible thing... what did I expect?!

Absurdities...

The Absurd (philosophy)

dark room, sunny outlook...

It's all starting to feel familiar, and normal.

Now I have made it home and I'm not sure I want to go back to Seattle. Definitely not that living situation. Amazing how testing the waters, allow you to feel out the possibilities, and there is no shame in not diving in. Instead, dive in to the deep, here... where you want to be. Moving somewhere new to develop yourself sounds extraneous- it can be done in your very own yard if you have the patience to learn, teach, and create what you want where you are, then the magical part is that it may take you elsewhere!

Oh heck... I'm up to my neck...

Something is making me feel like writing today. Maybe it's the mess in my room looming over my head. Or the mess of my finances acting as an undercurrent. Or, it could be the mess of my dresses that are just driving me crazy.

Writing here has been an afterthought, there is so much else going on that I haven't had but two minutes to sit down and spew something- anything- out... So here I am. Hopefull in the next few hours or the next few days I will feel that creative spark again. So much for quitting smoking... Cravings are beginning right now!

wrapping trappings while dripping trippings...

The days drip past like rains on window. Washing my sill of guilt and queries.

Unsure of what I want, even. I feel I'm asking for something that is too intangible to grasp. Confusing, refusing, amusing myself with ponderings of possibilities. The options are endless, and the waves are relentless. The winds are strong and I soar with them, not resisting the change of direction or emotion. My negra puppy spoons my arm, breathing sleeping being warmth. Trusting. Loving. And beginning again. Tomorrow awaits the sun's shine and I am wrapped in rapture!