You Haven't Seen Me Since February

I haven't had the itch to write in months. So I'll start slow. I have relocated my living quarters, so now I call Cali my home.

The city had grown out of me, or so I thought. But now I sit within the four walls of my parents home, and ponder the moment/event that proved to be too much and made me leave? Was it really the uncomfortable way I had been living... small quarters? And even smaller social circles? I am not really sure. I do know that I am happy to be HERE NOW. But not necassarily happy to be here forever.

I've been home for three weeks, and I have mostly been doing the spiritual-search-thing, and I haven't really thought about my best friend or where she is. That is strange. Before it would have been different.

By spiritual-search-thing, I guess I mean the outdoors-getting-back-with-nature-and-not-spending-too-much-time-near-ANY-tall-buildings-thing. Which is what I've been dreaming about since the moment I moved away.

I have hardly spent more then a few days at my parent's home. When I begin to settle in and actually spend time with them, my world will crumble. And not because of spending time with them, but the actuality of my existance in a new stage in my life will be fully realized. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

I thought, when I was planning to leave the city, that my life would go as usual only in a different place. But as wrong as I was before, I am wrong again.

I hate that my memories are so eden-like. That the things I can remember or HOW I remember those things are so glorified and magical. When it is only that way because that is what memories are... a beautified version of what you have lived with and through. By doing this you will always remember those moments as the best of times. And true they quite possibly could have been the best of times, but look furthur...

Every split second of your life is lived to perfection. And not with the pressure of perfection, but in the higher's way and light, guiding to your destiny.

Every day of your life you have lived in the best way possible. Those memories seem golden because every moment of your life is a unique collision of instances, that make way for a beautiful human being to exist.

Now I know, I am getting a little googoo, but this is my therapy for all my lifes changes. It enables me to accept change and differences. Back to the main point...

Like I adjusted to life in the city, I must adjust to living back in Cali. My life cannot be lived as usual because this is a different place and time to be living here. At 23, I am here again, in my hometown, yet I have never been here as this. I have never seen this place as who I am now. (Best believe I have changed in the past months.)

I remember Cali, just as it was before I left, big city, exciting, funky, home to me, and home to friends, the city of opportunity. Now I hardly see it at all. And getting a job, apartment, any of that, is just a little too permanent and lackluster for me, right now.

I am the type of person that must keep moving, I have the urge and desire to constantly reshape myself through experiences, and as much as I cannot wait for my next excursion, I have to slow and realize that this very moment and the many to come ARE/IS my next excursion.

It is right here in front of me, if only I pause to breathe.