Fearing God. Fearing Love. Allowing space for negativity. Trying to attract positivity. Hoping to be positive. Want to find joy again.
I made huge regression last night. Childish behavior. Instinctual, but horribly misplaced. It ended up being a disrespectful and degrading experience. But I am craving attention. I miss love. So I seek it in unhealthy unrealistic ways. I need to keep moving. I can't settle right now. I don't feel settled. And even when I sit quietly, it is unsettling instead of meditative. I like to talk the talk, and often walk the walk, but sometimes I find myself contradicting the Truth that I DO know and am blessed to understand. I feel that I just want to check out! I want to get the fuck out of here. And build my own self. I need expansion. I seek more than what is right here in front of me. I want to keep moving. I learn from every experience, and based on last night, I am reminded why I don't behave the way I did in college. It is not a true expression of all that I believe. I believe in higher heights, clear thinking/intention/communication... I seem to be at a stand still with my communication. Verbalizing my wants/desires/needs have been difficult. I feel like a turtle tucked in it's shell, fearful to open up and be vulnerable. Not actually wanting to be affected pos or neg by others. I am trying to control an uncontrollable destiny. I don't know if missing GG is the reality of my feelings? or only in the forefront of my mind because I'm lonely and a little lost? I am over this running and running of my mind and away from wherever I am. Home is where the heart is. God is within. All we need is love. and at that... Let it be!
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