Jan 20th 2006...

It makes me happy to see K.
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...

So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.

I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)

Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...


**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)