I am sad today. Again. I am sad to be leaving all that I have loved and grown together with. The city, my friend, my boyfriend. I am taking off for another trip of my lifetime and I am still wanting to feel anchored. I am not ready to be set free. I need to sit with my freedom, and that leads to too much thought and wondering. What is right?????
I know my path is different. I know it is not what most do. Those facts I am okay with. GG said that his relationships always "end". And mine do to, because in the past I have abandoned those people and situations that force me to see my own mistakes. I have never felt the desire to fight for my love with anyone else, as much as I want to fight for my love and relationship with GG, although I know he is maybe not in a place to fight for my love. He might want to, though I have no concrete knowledge that that is true. I loved him! I liked him! I was joyous with him. Until one nanosecond of our relationship was difficult, and we both pulled away. (Well, I really did put forth an effort to talk about it, and he wasn't in a space to do this) I want what I can't have. I'd feel foolish if I demanded it again. He might just be missing me in his life, and that is why now he is reaching out. I don't think I can do that. I am deeply in love with him. I am deeply affected everytime we hang out, in good ways and bad. I want to lay down with him, and just sleep. I want to fall into his breath. I also know that if I do this, it will make my leaving harder on me. I will feel that anchored weight and inability to move forward wherever I find myself. I am anxious and eager to chill in the woods with my old friends. Maybe a little curious how it will be for all of us up there. I have spent little time with them in recent years, but know that our friendship is deeply rooted in compassion. Amidst all obstacles, we will always be there for eachother, and if I could decide if I wanted to be with or without GG, I could help myself, others, and they in turn could help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is always light. I KNOW that! But I am suddenly in confusion- I want GG to open up to me, I want to open up again to him, but I am leaving. Which might be a good thing. Now is not the time to refresh these feelings. I am thankful that he apologised for his lack of selflessness at BM. Am I here again? Expecting? Placing too much pressure on our interactions? No. I just need some comfort and I want to ask him for it. I feel unstable right now-- the underlying factor is my upheaval from my home. I decided to move out, sometimes rashly I think, but that was the decision I made, and I have done the bulk of it, so there is no option, but to go with it. Cause--Effect. Action--Reaction. Point--Direction.
The dear old doggbone, I love you! I have had so many great times within your walls. I have laughed and cried, and smiled again, under your roof. And found a safe and warm cocoon from the city, inside your belly. I have learned compassion and creative clowning, the art of spliff rolling and necessity of dance parties, the importance of being earnest in all capacities of life. I've found comfort in my sensuality, explored my sexuality, and dealt with many men, realtionships and breakups, and also found my true communion with the universe. For all of this and the skill you have at withstanding the great winds of change both inside the flat and outside the building, I thank you for giving me a wonderful home to revel in. You are a great container of my universe!! Doggbone Love!
So after all this, I remember that change is the only sure thing, and I cannot control that. I have a few things still to take care of that are within my realm, and then I will see more clearly. I just want to be settled. And I will be. Settled on the road of life. Take THAT feeling of chaos!!!
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