I am sad today. Again. I am sad to be leaving all that I have loved and grown together with. The city, my friend, my boyfriend. I am taking off for another trip of my lifetime and I am still wanting to feel anchored. I am not ready to be set free. I need to sit with my freedom, and that leads to too much thought and wondering. What is right?????
I know my path is different. I know it is not what most do. Those facts I am okay with. GG said that his relationships always "end". And mine do to, because in the past I have abandoned those people and situations that force me to see my own mistakes. I have never felt the desire to fight for my love with anyone else, as much as I want to fight for my love and relationship with GG, although I know he is maybe not in a place to fight for my love. He might want to, though I have no concrete knowledge that that is true. I loved him! I liked him! I was joyous with him. Until one nanosecond of our relationship was difficult, and we both pulled away. (Well, I really did put forth an effort to talk about it, and he wasn't in a space to do this) I want what I can't have. I'd feel foolish if I demanded it again. He might just be missing me in his life, and that is why now he is reaching out. I don't think I can do that. I am deeply in love with him. I am deeply affected everytime we hang out, in good ways and bad. I want to lay down with him, and just sleep. I want to fall into his breath. I also know that if I do this, it will make my leaving harder on me. I will feel that anchored weight and inability to move forward wherever I find myself. I am anxious and eager to chill in the woods with my old friends. Maybe a little curious how it will be for all of us up there. I have spent little time with them in recent years, but know that our friendship is deeply rooted in compassion. Amidst all obstacles, we will always be there for eachother, and if I could decide if I wanted to be with or without GG, I could help myself, others, and they in turn could help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is always light. I KNOW that! But I am suddenly in confusion- I want GG to open up to me, I want to open up again to him, but I am leaving. Which might be a good thing. Now is not the time to refresh these feelings. I am thankful that he apologised for his lack of selflessness at BM. Am I here again? Expecting? Placing too much pressure on our interactions? No. I just need some comfort and I want to ask him for it. I feel unstable right now-- the underlying factor is my upheaval from my home. I decided to move out, sometimes rashly I think, but that was the decision I made, and I have done the bulk of it, so there is no option, but to go with it. Cause--Effect. Action--Reaction. Point--Direction.
The dear old doggbone, I love you! I have had so many great times within your walls. I have laughed and cried, and smiled again, under your roof. And found a safe and warm cocoon from the city, inside your belly. I have learned compassion and creative clowning, the art of spliff rolling and necessity of dance parties, the importance of being earnest in all capacities of life. I've found comfort in my sensuality, explored my sexuality, and dealt with many men, realtionships and breakups, and also found my true communion with the universe. For all of this and the skill you have at withstanding the great winds of change both inside the flat and outside the building, I thank you for giving me a wonderful home to revel in. You are a great container of my universe!! Doggbone Love!
So after all this, I remember that change is the only sure thing, and I cannot control that. I have a few things still to take care of that are within my realm, and then I will see more clearly. I just want to be settled. And I will be. Settled on the road of life. Take THAT feeling of chaos!!!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
what it was and always will be!
Burning Man was wild and a true test of my abilities... in the high desert for a month and a half, working really hard - up with the sunrise, hard labor all day, lots of laughter among great friends, amazing art and lots of dust! I surprised myself with my own capabilities of providing and survival... I learned a lot about people, communicating and myself. I have come back stronger, inspired, and changed of course. Definitely a stepping stone onto more great things...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
awake now...
Another day has passed too quickly and the new one does not arrive fast enough. I tossed and turned lastnight in a confusion of consciousness. Awaiting today (I am moving out) and fretting about yesterday's waste of time. I decided to go out and grab a mimosa with friends, but they're carry too much drama in their hearts right now, and with all of us together kind of a sinkhole or a quicksandish mudhole of energy is cycled. I am looking for upliftment. I have enough self-sorrow right now. Well, not that much right at this moment :) But then I came home to get back to my task at hand, and was distracted by my roomates and talk over wine. *pinch* I am moving I realize today, heavy furniture, but I already feel lighter. Clearer. Like it has already happened. I must have dreamt about it last night. I am eager for the next moment in my time.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
SOS.
I woke up today feeling shitty, sad, and scared. I have sudden doubts about my immediate path. I don't want to move and I feel as though I am running from good things, though a few bad as well. I don't want to be in the city, I don't want to be here.... I am not ready to end up anywhere. And I will say it again, I am not ready to end up anywhere. Although I have said that before. I am scared about moving, and physically getting everything out of my house in time. I am nervous about the change, I don't want to arrive up north in an emotional depression. I want to feel happiness and love within my heart. And share that outward. I know the nature will be good for my soul. But I cannot just put off the inevitable, which is-- what will I do after? Where will I end up? How much can I make? Who still is with me? Learning to love yourself in every way at every instant is the lesson in life we must continually struggle with. I don't want to call everybody with bad news or feelings, but if that is what I am feeling, it should be addressed. And I don't need answers, but I just need an ear. I am scared. I am sad, about GG, I am wishing for the strength of my character, to move past this and find the love I seek in my own heart, so that wherever I go is home. But I don't understand what I like to do, and how I will survive without my knowledge of that and without goals to guide me. I am once again in a limbo. Idle waiting for the wind/road to take me where it pleases. Am I prepared to leave the city?????? Show me a sign please.
what I am to you... (written with an ego and a broken heart)
I asked you what I was to you
You said someone beautiful and dear
I asked you what I was to you
And maybe I wasn’t very clear
This is something new for me
I don’t share my heart with men
This is something new for me
To want you more than I’ve been fed
And I don’t know that that is what I need right now
But it is the hopelessness I feel
Like once again I find myself here
Alone and tired in a world very real
I asked you what I was to you
And you said an inspiring spirit, your muse
I asked you what I was to you
And your answer turned this poem into the blues
This is something new to me
To be uplifted by a man
This is something new to me
And I didn’t say it as clear as I can
It is crystal what it is right now
Just a means to an end
And I sit one more time in limbo
Holding my heart out to mend
----
I wrote this in May 2005 about Jason, but it reminds me of today.
You said someone beautiful and dear
I asked you what I was to you
And maybe I wasn’t very clear
This is something new for me
I don’t share my heart with men
This is something new for me
To want you more than I’ve been fed
And I don’t know that that is what I need right now
But it is the hopelessness I feel
Like once again I find myself here
Alone and tired in a world very real
I asked you what I was to you
And you said an inspiring spirit, your muse
I asked you what I was to you
And your answer turned this poem into the blues
This is something new to me
To be uplifted by a man
This is something new to me
And I didn’t say it as clear as I can
It is crystal what it is right now
Just a means to an end
And I sit one more time in limbo
Holding my heart out to mend
----
I wrote this in May 2005 about Jason, but it reminds me of today.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
burning man musings... Aug 2008
walking to the moon on slip shiny shoes
breaking up ground that sings a silent sound
swimming through ponds of beauty and zealousness
I am beginning to feel jealousness.
(re:silly)
----
hearing things out of place
the wind hums past my waist
and I am lost
seeking light
but feeling so so so dark.
----
there was a time when bees flied longer than it takes for arms to circle around
and moons glowed like cantalope and fuschia beacons of light stood like giraffes
there have been moments like this before
only entirely different than this.
and finally there was no sound only vibration.
----
dirt beneath our feet
we walk in packs
social
we build shelters
useful
we trade coins
and feather up the nest.
----
breaking up ground that sings a silent sound
swimming through ponds of beauty and zealousness
I am beginning to feel jealousness.
(re:silly)
----
hearing things out of place
the wind hums past my waist
and I am lost
seeking light
but feeling so so so dark.
----
there was a time when bees flied longer than it takes for arms to circle around
and moons glowed like cantalope and fuschia beacons of light stood like giraffes
there have been moments like this before
only entirely different than this.
and finally there was no sound only vibration.
----
dirt beneath our feet
we walk in packs
social
we build shelters
useful
we trade coins
and feather up the nest.
----
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I'll tell you what...
Open the window and let in the light that seeks to warm your soul
Close the doors that let in the draft
expose your heart so it sunbathes in the glow of angels
and imagine all truths, even truth in lies
Redefine your power out loud and patiently enjoy the divine energies that surround your life
wait for the phone call
the door bell
the next step
and recieve it
however uncomfortable it might feel at first
nestle into the desire
revel in the flames of fire
dare to go higher
lighter
farther
martyr
don't wait for the hand to feed you
feel your hand instead dig to the roots
wear boots
and work for it
you're made for it
you've trained for it
time you own up to it
forgive the angry paths that have left you feeling battered
tattered
un inspired
and float where the winds sail you
sail away with them
they will take you to higher ground
there you will discover all the sound
you hoped you found
in past tenses
in dusty tents-es
new deserts are made
old woods are saved
and faith is in every ounce of love
ingrained
more made
save
for
GG
breathe in
let go
travel far
seed and sow
reap the beauty from all interactions
don't weep from dissatisfaction
protect the minor infractions
that you may have made
fight for the love that you require
and discover all the underside love letters
hidden in so many souls.
this is nonsensical...
Close the doors that let in the draft
expose your heart so it sunbathes in the glow of angels
and imagine all truths, even truth in lies
Redefine your power out loud and patiently enjoy the divine energies that surround your life
wait for the phone call
the door bell
the next step
and recieve it
however uncomfortable it might feel at first
nestle into the desire
revel in the flames of fire
dare to go higher
lighter
farther
martyr
don't wait for the hand to feed you
feel your hand instead dig to the roots
wear boots
and work for it
you're made for it
you've trained for it
time you own up to it
forgive the angry paths that have left you feeling battered
tattered
un inspired
and float where the winds sail you
sail away with them
they will take you to higher ground
there you will discover all the sound
you hoped you found
in past tenses
in dusty tents-es
new deserts are made
old woods are saved
and faith is in every ounce of love
ingrained
more made
save
for
GG
breathe in
let go
travel far
seed and sow
reap the beauty from all interactions
don't weep from dissatisfaction
protect the minor infractions
that you may have made
fight for the love that you require
and discover all the underside love letters
hidden in so many souls.
this is nonsensical...
I dream of dreams...
When I thought the world was over, I discovered a painted window.
I crawled through to see the other side and began tumbling down a wormhole.
The vortex dropped me disoriented and abused, but in a green valley.
The valley suddenly altered its vision of itself, and dried up to resemble mars.
so I climbed skyward to see another perception.
Perplexed I sat because I couldn't decipher what the shifty clouds were hiding
I strained my eyes to see the truth that lay at my feet.
I sought even higher to clear the fog from my breath
and was pleasantly duped into believing that was my last step.
So I climbed still higher, seeking that which I couldn't see, but believed.
And stranger still, I stumbled across a deserted desert.
I sat and meditated on my breath, life, and wonders, until out of the burning shrub
an elvin figure appeared. 'Take to the woods' he said, "It is your time again"
"See all you wish in the dark shadows of the monsters, but seek your quiet peace amongst friends"
"There has been enough muddling of thought amongst the painted flowers, and the lasers of planetary faith."
"Go North" he said,
and with that I leaped off the sitting black rock and dove into medusa once again,
falling into my painted window, and into a warm home and bed.
THE END (for now)
I crawled through to see the other side and began tumbling down a wormhole.
The vortex dropped me disoriented and abused, but in a green valley.
The valley suddenly altered its vision of itself, and dried up to resemble mars.
so I climbed skyward to see another perception.
Perplexed I sat because I couldn't decipher what the shifty clouds were hiding
I strained my eyes to see the truth that lay at my feet.
I sought even higher to clear the fog from my breath
and was pleasantly duped into believing that was my last step.
So I climbed still higher, seeking that which I couldn't see, but believed.
And stranger still, I stumbled across a deserted desert.
I sat and meditated on my breath, life, and wonders, until out of the burning shrub
an elvin figure appeared. 'Take to the woods' he said, "It is your time again"
"See all you wish in the dark shadows of the monsters, but seek your quiet peace amongst friends"
"There has been enough muddling of thought amongst the painted flowers, and the lasers of planetary faith."
"Go North" he said,
and with that I leaped off the sitting black rock and dove into medusa once again,
falling into my painted window, and into a warm home and bed.
THE END (for now)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Trying to stay warm... so I write: It's my Pony Ride!
It's an Irish coffee kind of afternoon
I think as I watch my foggy city's moon
rise and fall towards sleep
what has changed is everykind of weather
for everyone's better
'it will never be different again'
and it will always remain in locked hearts
allowing for fresh starts
apricot tarts
don't feign affection
seek your unique perfection
alone, in groups, all around
many things I don't mind
many things I seek to find
focus on the point/s
resonate with the hip joint
grey clouds roll thick like a cover
sun peeks like an undercover lover
he lives vivaciously
she curves libaciously
i love your majesty
darkness blurs the light into a muddled glow of angels
and I am found embracing dusty memories
in same bedroom corners, my own little chairs
show me the stairs
show me the light
I believe in my loving truth
not everything is smooth
new ideas are convincing until
old trappings turn into lovely revivals
my heart stumbles
my heart soars
my heart weeps
my feet sleep
my mind awakens
my soul is taken
wound up
wrung out
hung out
too dry
feel renewed
clean and clear
with the lingering feeling that I almost drowned
with little recollection of how I was found
and again my heart abounds
I will manifest joy and discovery with all souls now!
*this is not nonsense. this is my twenty five cents*
*buy the ticket, take the ride*
I think as I watch my foggy city's moon
rise and fall towards sleep
what has changed is everykind of weather
for everyone's better
'it will never be different again'
and it will always remain in locked hearts
allowing for fresh starts
apricot tarts
don't feign affection
seek your unique perfection
alone, in groups, all around
many things I don't mind
many things I seek to find
focus on the point/s
resonate with the hip joint
grey clouds roll thick like a cover
sun peeks like an undercover lover
he lives vivaciously
she curves libaciously
i love your majesty
darkness blurs the light into a muddled glow of angels
and I am found embracing dusty memories
in same bedroom corners, my own little chairs
show me the stairs
show me the light
I believe in my loving truth
not everything is smooth
new ideas are convincing until
old trappings turn into lovely revivals
my heart stumbles
my heart soars
my heart weeps
my feet sleep
my mind awakens
my soul is taken
wound up
wrung out
hung out
too dry
feel renewed
clean and clear
with the lingering feeling that I almost drowned
with little recollection of how I was found
and again my heart abounds
I will manifest joy and discovery with all souls now!
*this is not nonsense. this is my twenty five cents*
*buy the ticket, take the ride*
Sunday, September 07, 2008
My tainted love vision (We all want more)
Wasting away in delusional delights
Waiting in vain for illusion elights.
I am alone but unified.
My balance clearly certified.
I have love and I have hate.
friends vs. mate(s)
Awakened
Rewarded
Mis-taken
Avoided
GG is me me
Me free like a bee
But stung on my heartdrum
Much like a mum.
At a crossroad and awaiting the mission
so creatively disguised as a decision
for my tainted love vision.
I am once again jaded
but I've made it thus far
Once again I am waiting
for a love filled honey jar
I want more I implore!
{{ also 'painted love vision' sounds nice. }}
Waiting in vain for illusion elights.
I am alone but unified.
My balance clearly certified.
I have love and I have hate.
friends vs. mate(s)
Awakened
Rewarded
Mis-taken
Avoided
GG is me me
Me free like a bee
But stung on my heartdrum
Much like a mum.
At a crossroad and awaiting the mission
so creatively disguised as a decision
for my tainted love vision.
I am once again jaded
but I've made it thus far
Once again I am waiting
for a love filled honey jar
I want more I implore!
{{ also 'painted love vision' sounds nice. }}
Saturday, September 06, 2008
rough roads we have to walk along...
Seeking enlightenment with my feet planted firmly on the ground.
Hoping for love to happen, but unable to force the energy that is not easily willed.
Knowing what is needed, and able to ask for it, but not being answered in the way that is desired.
I know what I have to do, I know what I expect of myself, I know the Truth.]
It stares me in the eyes but feels so out of reach.
I am renewed, aware, and eager. Well taken care of, by myself, and by my extended family.
But the man I love is on a downward spiral, though he thinks he is finding enlightenment.
All being, is being all. And awareness of all things surrounding one.
The path is lit, there are guides on every corner, and the mind is ever powerful.
I pray that he sees the light in his ways, and comes to terms with what he has done, or not.
And heals himself mentally, physically, spiritually. I pray he slows down and sobers up.
And I pray his wisdom comes swiftly.
I love him. And knows he loves me. I hope he loves himself enough to realize the direction of his way.
He has powers, he has strength, he has diligence. May he exercise those attributes with honor and virility,
He is a beauty. He is amazing. I hope he makes someone happy! I hope he gains honorable control!
But I wouldn;t change a thing about our experience, because every blessed moment was aligned, and every thought and feeling I had was genuine. I believe one day we both will recognize that. And appreciate that. And feel the warmth from that.
I love you GG!!!!!!!!!!!
Hoping for love to happen, but unable to force the energy that is not easily willed.
Knowing what is needed, and able to ask for it, but not being answered in the way that is desired.
I know what I have to do, I know what I expect of myself, I know the Truth.]
It stares me in the eyes but feels so out of reach.
I am renewed, aware, and eager. Well taken care of, by myself, and by my extended family.
But the man I love is on a downward spiral, though he thinks he is finding enlightenment.
All being, is being all. And awareness of all things surrounding one.
The path is lit, there are guides on every corner, and the mind is ever powerful.
I pray that he sees the light in his ways, and comes to terms with what he has done, or not.
And heals himself mentally, physically, spiritually. I pray he slows down and sobers up.
And I pray his wisdom comes swiftly.
I love him. And knows he loves me. I hope he loves himself enough to realize the direction of his way.
He has powers, he has strength, he has diligence. May he exercise those attributes with honor and virility,
He is a beauty. He is amazing. I hope he makes someone happy! I hope he gains honorable control!
But I wouldn;t change a thing about our experience, because every blessed moment was aligned, and every thought and feeling I had was genuine. I believe one day we both will recognize that. And appreciate that. And feel the warmth from that.
I love you GG!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 05, 2008
I'm not quite ready to write about my experience, but to feel it is to know it. I express my gratitude and thanks to the Burning Man community, DPW, Cobra, Firestarter, Bunnie, Serra, and the folks from Sparseland for the most wonderful and loving welcome home!!!
and then back to my home again!!
I am home. It is blissful!!
and then back to my home again!!
I am home. It is blissful!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The sun has begun to stretch its arms of warmth
and we too begin our journey across the sky
the walls of the past are dissolving
like snowflakes in palms of hands
new avenues are unfolding
cities are rebuilt nowhere and everywhere
there is always warmth in the heart
and always the cold rush from the winds of change
know your strengths
know your perfect path is now
remember what you yourself does greatly
and flourish the way dandelions gently do
prepare for your grand challenger's arrival
and grow roots to withstand the storm
the bridges upon great divides are swaying
and the oceans taunt the crosser
replete with love
containing no remorse
I challenge you to walk the highwire
and dive into medusa's exotica
and we too begin our journey across the sky
the walls of the past are dissolving
like snowflakes in palms of hands
new avenues are unfolding
cities are rebuilt nowhere and everywhere
there is always warmth in the heart
and always the cold rush from the winds of change
know your strengths
know your perfect path is now
remember what you yourself does greatly
and flourish the way dandelions gently do
prepare for your grand challenger's arrival
and grow roots to withstand the storm
the bridges upon great divides are swaying
and the oceans taunt the crosser
replete with love
containing no remorse
I challenge you to walk the highwire
and dive into medusa's exotica
Monday, July 21, 2008
Come with me..
What is next is pushing the pull, and pulling the push. Take it with me. Flow with it. Visualize it. Experience it. Wherever it leads/takes me it will be forward. Onward. Upward. To enlightenment. Love. I love you! No fear, instead power.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
arrivals and departures.... and more arrivals...
Arrive where you are. Look around at what you have created. Revel and reside in it. This is home. Here. Now. Present presence. Beautiful ideas. Creative constructs. Delicious dopiness. Strong will. Female. Powerful! Angels sing you to sleep. Wake you with kisses. You may ruin moments, but will do better from now on. But don't get caught up in the future. Look to what is right in front of you, because that is the real existance and experience. It is staring you in the face. It is mirroring your smile. Your eyes. Yourself. Embrace it. Embrace him. Embrace your heart. Then share it. Wear it. Bare it. Gotta love it!
Mysterious fish, where do you disappear to? Where do you go? Do you go inside? To your heart. The heart baby! The love, it's in you baby! It is you! You are love! Loved! Loving! Lovely!
Paint the things you've dreamt. Dream things you've yet to see! And live to paint!
Open your thoughts to GG. Balance the truth with truth! It can be done. It will be done. As it was done before. By you!
Mysterious fish, where do you disappear to? Where do you go? Do you go inside? To your heart. The heart baby! The love, it's in you baby! It is you! You are love! Loved! Loving! Lovely!
Paint the things you've dreamt. Dream things you've yet to see! And live to paint!
Open your thoughts to GG. Balance the truth with truth! It can be done. It will be done. As it was done before. By you!
edited: I live/love in an earthquake state...
Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be distracted along the way.
Keep them closed, and signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves mourn.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.
Open your eyes, and you will be distracted along the way.
Keep them closed, and signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves mourn.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.
As the world turns...
the universe opens!
And peace is found in the tranquility of chaos.
Because there IS tranquility amongst chaos.
Let yourself feel it.
Let your light shine so the others in the dark feel the warmth from your breast
Without them having to be there with you.
To look at you.
They'll see you.
You'll see them.
I want to look at you
in you
around you
love you
move you
romance you
entrance you
I'm talking to you
Can't you see?
Do you see yourself?
Do you see?
Seething teeth and wild emotions
can cause a headache
but the beauty after the pain is recognized and
dutifully awaited for whilst always moving forward, with it, in it.
Taste it!
Revel in it!
Bedazzle it!
Become who you are!
Live for yourself so others may live for you.
Love yourself so others may love you!
Share the love.
Experience the love.
Delve into the love!
Delve!
Delve!
Delve!
Love!
Love!
Love!
And off we go....
And peace is found in the tranquility of chaos.
Because there IS tranquility amongst chaos.
Let yourself feel it.
Let your light shine so the others in the dark feel the warmth from your breast
Without them having to be there with you.
To look at you.
They'll see you.
You'll see them.
I want to look at you
in you
around you
love you
move you
romance you
entrance you
I'm talking to you
Can't you see?
Do you see yourself?
Do you see?
Seething teeth and wild emotions
can cause a headache
but the beauty after the pain is recognized and
dutifully awaited for whilst always moving forward, with it, in it.
Taste it!
Revel in it!
Bedazzle it!
Become who you are!
Live for yourself so others may live for you.
Love yourself so others may love you!
Share the love.
Experience the love.
Delve into the love!
Delve!
Delve!
Delve!
Love!
Love!
Love!
And off we go....
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I live in the earthquake state...
Insecurities are beginning to reveal themselves. Or ingrain themselves. Get out! Shut up! I want to enjoy the unfolding of every day. Recieve it like an unexpected package. Sealed with a kiss from wax lips. I need to regain my worth, I want to know my strength. And show my love I can love. Me. Him. You. Us. I am my own love, I wouldn't be created/I wouldn't exist if I didn't love myself. I mean in a micro and macro evolution way. I couldn't be the light I am if I didn't have love for myself. And according to the string theory, or how I percieve the string theory to work, I wouldn't exist with out the binding that love allows us to fall into. A suspension created by the push and pull of energy. Pureness. Joy. Sadness. Balance. Balance is created by the counteractive movement amongst similar moving elements. Every action has a reaction.... wait, science won't help me explain this thought.
Sometimes I am afraid that there is one thing I'll do, that will make VV not love me. I want to be secure in myself enough to realize that only I can change this prophecy. Snide comments hurt my feelings. I am thankful to have a few moments to be with myself. Our relationship has been so intense and constant since we met, that I have had little time to step away and ask myself if this is what I want. Sitting here, I am confident that he, and this, iS what I want, but my fear remains in my past experiences, me constantly saying "I don't know how to do this!" I am not romantic enough, does he like romance even, what can I do to be better. I feel like what I have to give right now is not enough. This is why I need to approach it in a new way that expresses my own self love. I don't have time to hang out with my friends, because he plans in so much advance, that when I find out things that are going on with my people, I am already booked. I want to share him with my life. Or rather, I want to share my life with him. And I haven't quite found that balance yet. I need to balance/smooth/create my new relationship with St. I suppose I didn't have time to do that. We were not coordinating and not communicating effectively and then he left for the weekend, and then all fell into place naturally. But unfortunately left St. out of the loop. Sometimes, you have to know when to stay or go. And he goes. And I stayed. 'And that has made all the difference.'
Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be pleased and distracted along the way.
Keep them closed and the signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves cry.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.
----
Well, he went. I stayed. Now he is staying. And I am off.
Stagnant vs. life
later vs now
If only he knew. If only I could explain. Do I need to explain? Can I explain? I am in it, the way a diving bell suspends in the ocean, and it suspends the divers life. I am bouyant. I am filled. I have the breath that gives life. I give life. I am life. But is that enough for love. (Or replace all those 'life's with 'love' and that 'love' with 'life')
Not even a full month, and I feel like my life has been taken over. I am trying to integrate it. I want to be a person who is happy in a relationship. Instead of feeling tied down, always on someone else's schedule, I want to plan my own schedule, and feel as though the hot air balloon is always lifting. Opening new views, exploring everywhere, tasting everything, being all and all being. I am me. Love.
----
I am done.
Sometimes I am afraid that there is one thing I'll do, that will make VV not love me. I want to be secure in myself enough to realize that only I can change this prophecy. Snide comments hurt my feelings. I am thankful to have a few moments to be with myself. Our relationship has been so intense and constant since we met, that I have had little time to step away and ask myself if this is what I want. Sitting here, I am confident that he, and this, iS what I want, but my fear remains in my past experiences, me constantly saying "I don't know how to do this!" I am not romantic enough, does he like romance even, what can I do to be better. I feel like what I have to give right now is not enough. This is why I need to approach it in a new way that expresses my own self love. I don't have time to hang out with my friends, because he plans in so much advance, that when I find out things that are going on with my people, I am already booked. I want to share him with my life. Or rather, I want to share my life with him. And I haven't quite found that balance yet. I need to balance/smooth/create my new relationship with St. I suppose I didn't have time to do that. We were not coordinating and not communicating effectively and then he left for the weekend, and then all fell into place naturally. But unfortunately left St. out of the loop. Sometimes, you have to know when to stay or go. And he goes. And I stayed. 'And that has made all the difference.'
Two paths, many paths, one way.
Open your eyes, and you will be pleased and distracted along the way.
Keep them closed and the signs will direct you to your light.
Feel your way through life.
Speak your way through truth.
Touch your way through to the heart.
Sing and dance your way into ecstatic oblivion.
See your way as forward not straight.
Taste your way through breathy kisses.
Listen for your way when the trees rustle.
When the doves cry.
When the horn is blaring.
When you can't shut the world up, turn it up louder. And shake with it.
Earthquakes Mistake::
is that we all were born to dance.
----
Well, he went. I stayed. Now he is staying. And I am off.
Stagnant vs. life
later vs now
If only he knew. If only I could explain. Do I need to explain? Can I explain? I am in it, the way a diving bell suspends in the ocean, and it suspends the divers life. I am bouyant. I am filled. I have the breath that gives life. I give life. I am life. But is that enough for love. (Or replace all those 'life's with 'love' and that 'love' with 'life')
Not even a full month, and I feel like my life has been taken over. I am trying to integrate it. I want to be a person who is happy in a relationship. Instead of feeling tied down, always on someone else's schedule, I want to plan my own schedule, and feel as though the hot air balloon is always lifting. Opening new views, exploring everywhere, tasting everything, being all and all being. I am me. Love.
----
I am done.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
and my dreams were whisked away by reality...
Facing the music in dance livity
Walking shoulder to shoulder in this city
Thoughts are spoken inevitiably
And we bloom radiantly.
Days spent smiling.
In comfort
in embrace
in good company
in this rat race.
Nothing is lost,
the way is just beginning to be lit
lamp by lamp
the darkness fades
and we breathe light.
Beauty is exposed for all that it isn't
and is
And unfurls it's warm embrace for us to feel.
((And my dreams were whisked away by reality))
My feet began this journey
trudging the deep dark streets
And I will walk forward to seek what I cannot see, but I know/believe.
My hair is only exterior.
Good things come to those that wait... really.
VV!
Love has a funny way of spilling over when you think you've had too much.
Or not enough.
The sun is always shining.
God is in your own heart.
Guides are on every corner.
Lives are simply lived.
Kisses freely given.
I love.
Walking shoulder to shoulder in this city
Thoughts are spoken inevitiably
And we bloom radiantly.
Days spent smiling.
In comfort
in embrace
in good company
in this rat race.
Nothing is lost,
the way is just beginning to be lit
lamp by lamp
the darkness fades
and we breathe light.
Beauty is exposed for all that it isn't
and is
And unfurls it's warm embrace for us to feel.
((And my dreams were whisked away by reality))
My feet began this journey
trudging the deep dark streets
And I will walk forward to seek what I cannot see, but I know/believe.
My hair is only exterior.
Good things come to those that wait... really.
VV!
Love has a funny way of spilling over when you think you've had too much.
Or not enough.
The sun is always shining.
God is in your own heart.
Guides are on every corner.
Lives are simply lived.
Kisses freely given.
I love.
Monday, May 26, 2008
my dreadlocks...
People love them. But do I ????
Do I love the attention I get for them? Do I ask for the attention I get for them. Do I want dreads anymore? Because I am about to cut them off! I was a kid when I started them. And I have changed so much. And they have changed so much. Have they changed me that much? Do they change me that much? It is good energy in one aspect and a cummulation of bad energy in another. People change their hair so frequently yet I have stayed the same. I have been trying to maintain this hippielook for years, always worrying if this or that make me look hippie enough. Its in you or it isn't. It isn't something you can put on. And I do feel beautiful with them, but they are beginning to affect my back and neck, my scalp, and even my vanity.
Do I love the attention I get for them? Do I ask for the attention I get for them. Do I want dreads anymore? Because I am about to cut them off! I was a kid when I started them. And I have changed so much. And they have changed so much. Have they changed me that much? Do they change me that much? It is good energy in one aspect and a cummulation of bad energy in another. People change their hair so frequently yet I have stayed the same. I have been trying to maintain this hippielook for years, always worrying if this or that make me look hippie enough. Its in you or it isn't. It isn't something you can put on. And I do feel beautiful with them, but they are beginning to affect my back and neck, my scalp, and even my vanity.
Help!
My back hurts. I need a massage. I want to cut my hair. I should go to the doctor.
---
Getting along in the wild dervish of a city. Stringing straight steps with puddle pirouettes. The ground is cold and my feet ache. Trudging up memories and dusty bunnies in dirty street corners. Its not even like that. It is so much more than that.
---
A storefront blooms radiantly.
A child smiles with glee.
People are drinking tea.
Jasmine breathes sweetly.
Kites floating for all to see.
I wish it was me.
---
The Sun rays fall on a Monday
Leaving whispers of warmth between my toes
I begin to feel the Moon rays of a Tuesday
And I can't seem to pile on enough clothes.
I've checked the face on every hour
As if time wouldn't pass me by
And I feel choked by numerous choices
and left behind by those moving ahead
Isn't this all natural
the way things are supposed to be
the way things have evolved to be
This is me, if I want to take it. THis is beautiful. I am going to make it. And I thank you. And I hope to meet you. And I am happy to be me. So for now that is what I will be. I have got to start a project in September. SHit! I have got to start a project now.
---
Getting along in the wild dervish of a city. Stringing straight steps with puddle pirouettes. The ground is cold and my feet ache. Trudging up memories and dusty bunnies in dirty street corners. Its not even like that. It is so much more than that.
---
A storefront blooms radiantly.
A child smiles with glee.
People are drinking tea.
Jasmine breathes sweetly.
Kites floating for all to see.
I wish it was me.
---
The Sun rays fall on a Monday
Leaving whispers of warmth between my toes
I begin to feel the Moon rays of a Tuesday
And I can't seem to pile on enough clothes.
I've checked the face on every hour
As if time wouldn't pass me by
And I feel choked by numerous choices
and left behind by those moving ahead
Isn't this all natural
the way things are supposed to be
the way things have evolved to be
This is me, if I want to take it. THis is beautiful. I am going to make it. And I thank you. And I hope to meet you. And I am happy to be me. So for now that is what I will be. I have got to start a project in September. SHit! I have got to start a project now.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
It was a mere thought
a twisted plot
engaging to hear
but came with a sneer
Encouraged openess
oneness
love your sis
play this
it was then, the music became an emotion and filled everyone up.
Filled some with joy.
filled some with noise.
and some with dirty thoughts.
Clean is supreme.
dreams are not just dreams.
and Jah is something(one who) you live(s).
------
It was when looks turned to stares.
they
undressed me.
carressed me.
messed me.
it was when I opened myself up I was hurt.
they
judged me.
didn't hug me.
left me.
it was when friends hated me.
they
pitied me.
needed me.
smothered me.
I couldn't be me.
clowns surrounded me.
beats flowed through me.
dancehall womanized me.
irealized the woman in me.
it was then music became meaning.
i
danced.
entranced.
so then the music became my beacon.
my portal.
my sort of.
out of body therapy.
a twisted plot
engaging to hear
but came with a sneer
Encouraged openess
oneness
love your sis
play this
it was then, the music became an emotion and filled everyone up.
Filled some with joy.
filled some with noise.
and some with dirty thoughts.
Clean is supreme.
dreams are not just dreams.
and Jah is something(one who) you live(s).
------
It was when looks turned to stares.
they
undressed me.
carressed me.
messed me.
it was when I opened myself up I was hurt.
they
judged me.
didn't hug me.
left me.
it was when friends hated me.
they
pitied me.
needed me.
smothered me.
I couldn't be me.
clowns surrounded me.
beats flowed through me.
dancehall womanized me.
irealized the woman in me.
it was then music became meaning.
i
danced.
entranced.
so then the music became my beacon.
my portal.
my sort of.
out of body therapy.
none and then some....
precocious..
calliope..
buzzing..
bee..
it's finally me..
budding..
flower..
living..
goddess..
eloquent..
essense..
rhyming..
timing..
unforgettable..
forgetful..
remember..
this..
moment..
omen..
space..
place..
entity..
molecule..
frozen..
embryo..
not mine..
divine..
powers..
that be..
it's in me..
i am she..
she is he..
te he he..
a mans mind and a womans body..
have that reeling feeling..
soaring..
heights..
flights..
drives..
kites..
pink heart shaped balloons..
funny cartoons..
singing in tune..
believing whats said..
thinking with the head..
more appropriate..
swinging in beds..
sleeping instead..
needing meds..
vitameatavegiman..
bacon..
liver from chicken..
allergies..
calliopes..
exctasy..
mushrooms..
fun rooms..
arts..
parts..
carts..
ivys..
lively..
jively..
blindly..
remarkably..
calliope..
buzzing..
bee..
it's finally me..
budding..
flower..
living..
goddess..
eloquent..
essense..
rhyming..
timing..
unforgettable..
forgetful..
remember..
this..
moment..
omen..
space..
place..
entity..
molecule..
frozen..
embryo..
not mine..
divine..
powers..
that be..
it's in me..
i am she..
she is he..
te he he..
a mans mind and a womans body..
have that reeling feeling..
soaring..
heights..
flights..
drives..
kites..
pink heart shaped balloons..
funny cartoons..
singing in tune..
believing whats said..
thinking with the head..
more appropriate..
swinging in beds..
sleeping instead..
needing meds..
vitameatavegiman..
bacon..
liver from chicken..
allergies..
calliopes..
exctasy..
mushrooms..
fun rooms..
arts..
parts..
carts..
ivys..
lively..
jively..
blindly..
remarkably..
rumi inspired- take what is in my hand...
I am not a robot
but understand the mechanics of life
and the funneling of cattle
its a battle with yourself
against others with no cause
no laws
no cares of unity
only deconstuct everything
I am indestructable
pay a high price for love
life long deductible
give me nothing but the best
if you have the greatest looking hand in the world
I'd take that.
but understand the mechanics of life
and the funneling of cattle
its a battle with yourself
against others with no cause
no laws
no cares of unity
only deconstuct everything
I am indestructable
pay a high price for love
life long deductible
give me nothing but the best
if you have the greatest looking hand in the world
I'd take that.
I am young!
Eager for truth
Yearning for love
Happy in the moment
Complacent about the future
I hope good things come forth
for you
for me
for all
I am a cornball
stringing sentences together like spiders spin webs
maybe a little less complex
I am an egress
I am a wolf
I am an owl
I am a deer
Now you see my tears
my exuberance
my inbetween yellow dream.
I am home
I am away
I am in the bustle created right outside my door
I more.
I am a lady
I am a baby
I am a grown woman
I am an enthusiastic human.
I like the stars
I love/hate my car
I am open for the sun's shine
I wait in line.
Wanting peace
Wrapping my mind around astronomical thought
bebop
hiphop
Roots gyal
beats fell
at my sunburnt feet
and I listened
and I paid attention to signs
rhymes
and rythyms
till my legs walked on their own
right into a rocksteady reggae system
a family mission
on the road to organized religion
it sounds good though
as if the smoke had cleared
and it was too near
to me, my body, my issues
Then the lights came up
Introducing, theatrics
funny antics
clown fantastics
and it was community
unity
eccentricity
travelling city to city
biddy diddy
oompahpah
tra la la
la la dee dum dum
I am happier than a sum
more equal than a mum
divided by my thumbs
and heart strums.
I am young!
Yearning for love
Happy in the moment
Complacent about the future
I hope good things come forth
for you
for me
for all
I am a cornball
stringing sentences together like spiders spin webs
maybe a little less complex
I am an egress
I am a wolf
I am an owl
I am a deer
Now you see my tears
my exuberance
my inbetween yellow dream.
I am home
I am away
I am in the bustle created right outside my door
I more.
I am a lady
I am a baby
I am a grown woman
I am an enthusiastic human.
I like the stars
I love/hate my car
I am open for the sun's shine
I wait in line.
Wanting peace
Wrapping my mind around astronomical thought
bebop
hiphop
Roots gyal
beats fell
at my sunburnt feet
and I listened
and I paid attention to signs
rhymes
and rythyms
till my legs walked on their own
right into a rocksteady reggae system
a family mission
on the road to organized religion
it sounds good though
as if the smoke had cleared
and it was too near
to me, my body, my issues
Then the lights came up
Introducing, theatrics
funny antics
clown fantastics
and it was community
unity
eccentricity
travelling city to city
biddy diddy
oompahpah
tra la la
la la dee dum dum
I am happier than a sum
more equal than a mum
divided by my thumbs
and heart strums.
I am young!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
(little fishy...hehe)
∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß ∑ß
∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙
(little fishy...hehe)
∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞
feelings on the wayward side
shut like a door
outside (inside)
in the cold (it's cold)
miserable winter
the leaves have fallen
the bark is bitter
so are my thoughts
wind through my knits
thick knee high socks
i'd like the wind to loosen my knots
i'd like time to stop it's watch
so i'd stop looking for it
passing it
and still waiting for it
i wish time would stop
so i'd have too much
and not know what to do with it
i don't know what to do with it
or mine
but i know there is enough
i've got to stretch my legs and out my arms
to grab hold of something
someone
love
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I have to learn how to hug and love myself, before i can give to someone else. and I keep asking myself, why don't I love myself enough to open up to someone and give them attention and a large part of myself that I know is beautiful. I am alot of things, but I It seems like I am living falsely recently. To people, I've maintained major distances. And show them very little of who I am. To potential new friends and even to my closest, oldest friends. I need to stop feeling ashamed for not being in a relationship. And not feel embarrassed when I am hanging out with couples, and arrive at events solo. I'm going to have that time. In the meantime, I am going to take a class at city college. and tackle my other obstacle of social situations. blah blah blah. I do love myself. I just don't know what to do with my life, what direction to go in, or where to be settled. Within and out.
p.s. uber dork out with the little hearts and fish banners. hahaha
∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ∞º˚˙
(little fishy...hehe)
∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞ ∑ß ˙˚º∞
feelings on the wayward side
shut like a door
outside (inside)
in the cold (it's cold)
miserable winter
the leaves have fallen
the bark is bitter
so are my thoughts
wind through my knits
thick knee high socks
i'd like the wind to loosen my knots
i'd like time to stop it's watch
so i'd stop looking for it
passing it
and still waiting for it
i wish time would stop
so i'd have too much
and not know what to do with it
i don't know what to do with it
or mine
but i know there is enough
i've got to stretch my legs and out my arms
to grab hold of something
someone
love
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I have to learn how to hug and love myself, before i can give to someone else. and I keep asking myself, why don't I love myself enough to open up to someone and give them attention and a large part of myself that I know is beautiful. I am alot of things, but I It seems like I am living falsely recently. To people, I've maintained major distances. And show them very little of who I am. To potential new friends and even to my closest, oldest friends. I need to stop feeling ashamed for not being in a relationship. And not feel embarrassed when I am hanging out with couples, and arrive at events solo. I'm going to have that time. In the meantime, I am going to take a class at city college. and tackle my other obstacle of social situations. blah blah blah. I do love myself. I just don't know what to do with my life, what direction to go in, or where to be settled. Within and out.
p.s. uber dork out with the little hearts and fish banners. hahaha
Thursday, June 21, 2007
and then there was one...
I don't ever know where to begin, but today I will start here. I want to write but my thoughts are muddled. Or the thought pulsing through my thinking muscle is not connecting with the nerves underneath the padded tips of my fingers. They feel like marshmallows. I forget quickly what I have to say and my right hand stumbles over to the erase button often. My emotions have been hiding, but I know something stirs within. There has always been something. Listless or not. My soul feels alot. And that is why it is hard for me to write.
My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.
But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We are bound to bridge a gap with openness. blah blah blah....
My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.
But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We are bound to bridge a gap with openness. blah blah blah....
So many changes happen within.
I don't ever know where to begin, but today I will start here. I want to write but my thoughts are muddled. Or the thought pulsing through my thinking muscle is not connecting with the nerves underneath the padded tips of my fingers. They feel like marshmallows. I forget quickly what I have to say and my right hand stumbles over to the erase button often. My emotions have been hiding, but I know something stirs within. There has always been something. Listless or not. My soul feels alot. And that is why it is hard for me to write.
My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.
But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We will bridge a gap of thought with openness. blah blah blah....
My character was accused today. By a lifelong friend. And it made me feel sad but incredulous too. If it is a fear of my loyalty as a friend, then I want to defend that. I would never do what she thought I was capable of. Not thought of at all. Not desired. Not possible. Not a worry to waste energy on. But it was and so I had to go on and on about a thing I didn't feel any emotion about other than shock that it would cross my friends mind. That is really all I have to say about that.
But I still feel "everyday is good because of being alive" And this will pass over before the weekend has ended. At least in our hearts if not in our minds. Because I love this friend. And I see no harm in what I do. We will bridge a gap of thought with openness. blah blah blah....
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Things are just things...
and emotions are frivilous when spent on silly things.
And dishonesty and disbelief will ruin any relationship standing atop these things and emotions.
Watch out for lovesickness. It comes up from behind and throws a sack over your eyes.
Don't fall into every folly. It may reduce you to a fool.
Forget about me. What about you?
I'm gonna forget about you. And remember me.
I will live for me and see you on the hither side.
Things are just my imagination.
Imagine.
And dishonesty and disbelief will ruin any relationship standing atop these things and emotions.
Watch out for lovesickness. It comes up from behind and throws a sack over your eyes.
Don't fall into every folly. It may reduce you to a fool.
Forget about me. What about you?
I'm gonna forget about you. And remember me.
I will live for me and see you on the hither side.
Things are just my imagination.
Imagine.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Have You Been?
I have been swimming through the avenues of colorful cities,
Keeping my eyes on what's concealed by the ebonys and navys.
I have been dreaming of far off places accessable only by pink heart shaped balloons,
Where the answers to all my truths have yet to be explained.
I have been seeking impenetrable souls who radiate an openess likened to celophane papers,
Once seen, begin to melt into a jimbojambo little boy sambo swirl.
I have been waking up on the cliffside, hand outstretched,
Lifting my own heart to the top of the hill where yours waits indefinitely.
I have been flying between the pillars of hope called evergreens,
Zipping past the watering holes of patience that are dry no more.
I have been digging tunnels to china with little more than a teaspoom,
And I cannot dream of stopping even when the bicycles and rice paddies are reached.
I have been hopscotching over chalk lines for more freetime fun,
Pleasing oceans of ages of dreamers of love
I have been gliding across ballrooms
Taking time to learn intricate footwork that walks you across life
I have been allowed chances to feel the light between my toes sparkle
And the devoir to share that shine outward
Keeping my eyes on what's concealed by the ebonys and navys.
I have been dreaming of far off places accessable only by pink heart shaped balloons,
Where the answers to all my truths have yet to be explained.
I have been seeking impenetrable souls who radiate an openess likened to celophane papers,
Once seen, begin to melt into a jimbojambo little boy sambo swirl.
I have been waking up on the cliffside, hand outstretched,
Lifting my own heart to the top of the hill where yours waits indefinitely.
I have been flying between the pillars of hope called evergreens,
Zipping past the watering holes of patience that are dry no more.
I have been digging tunnels to china with little more than a teaspoom,
And I cannot dream of stopping even when the bicycles and rice paddies are reached.
I have been hopscotching over chalk lines for more freetime fun,
Pleasing oceans of ages of dreamers of love
I have been gliding across ballrooms
Taking time to learn intricate footwork that walks you across life
I have been allowed chances to feel the light between my toes sparkle
And the devoir to share that shine outward
WORDS...
I need some words. I need a dictionary to fall out of my mind and onto the flat white page. I want to tell a story with a little more than an essay, but my mind has been frozen, the river [of logic] dried up. Or maybe I keep telling myself that over and over, like the way a voice echoes in a canyon.
I am finding my voice. The sound that has eluded me for quite some time is beginning to roar within the space between my ears. The machine that cranks out senseless fragments and coherent paragraphs is churning and breathing zealousness into my frontal lobe… where my thinking is at it’s best.
I am finding my voice. The sound that has eluded me for quite some time is beginning to roar within the space between my ears. The machine that cranks out senseless fragments and coherent paragraphs is churning and breathing zealousness into my frontal lobe… where my thinking is at it’s best.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
religious in the moment
There is something to religious music. I mean music of all kinds. From reggae music to christian hymns to new christian rock to chanting of indian or african healing circles. They all come down to faith and praise of what you will be given. The belief that this is the way and everything is sacred, the people you encounter, the moments of grace you receive, the discourse you maintain with another filling you with knowledge. It is all held in the future.
In THE SECRET, they talk about the visualization/manifestation of your thoughts. Of knowing that these things that you want or seem to be 'lacking' will be attracted to you if you radiate that positive energy of having it/deserving it/already personifying/embodying it. A true act of power by thought.
In THE SECRET, they talk about the visualization/manifestation of your thoughts. Of knowing that these things that you want or seem to be 'lacking' will be attracted to you if you radiate that positive energy of having it/deserving it/already personifying/embodying it. A true act of power by thought.
Monday, January 22, 2007
with the past comes great wisdom
I came across a funny website, futureme.com, you can post an email and set the date of delivery to 20+ years in the future. I kept mine within two years and this is what I wrote to myself:
---------------------
Dear FutureMe,
This is a funny website. And I only came here to remind you of that day you were lonely and bored so you called the ex (it was a Friday) and then he, and sometimes you, kept rearranging the plans so FOUR days later you found yourself waiting around again for him to call (it's now Monday). Think back to all the times this has happened before. And with others too? Ultimately, don't spend your life waiting around for anybody. Grab the reins of life and fly on sista... you are a beautiful goddess full of delight. And you are keeping somebody waiting. And with that... she called him.
Love, yourself
ps. Happy Birthday Girlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----------------------------
I thought it had some funny lines so I wanted to post it here.
---------------------
Dear FutureMe,
This is a funny website. And I only came here to remind you of that day you were lonely and bored so you called the ex (it was a Friday) and then he, and sometimes you, kept rearranging the plans so FOUR days later you found yourself waiting around again for him to call (it's now Monday). Think back to all the times this has happened before. And with others too? Ultimately, don't spend your life waiting around for anybody. Grab the reins of life and fly on sista... you are a beautiful goddess full of delight. And you are keeping somebody waiting. And with that... she called him.
Love, yourself
ps. Happy Birthday Girlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----------------------------
I thought it had some funny lines so I wanted to post it here.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
My life is so boring, that I am too bored to post...
I was just reading old blogs from three years ago, when I realized that it was senseless and I might as well write another blog so in three years I can find myself reading this one. Bleh... boring thought. And a sidenote, my English has begun to suck. At some point I decided to use less vocabulary and keep repeating the same words over and over again. Maybe that is why I haven't felt like blogging recently. I still don't feel like blogging. But I promise tomorrow morning I will wake up and write a positively juicy and exciting post.
Monday, October 30, 2006
I haven't been so public about things recently. Have you noticed? But I could update abit. I am doing alright. On a plateau... but not one that will change to a low or a high in a matter of hours. I am working in the city (the smaller one so I will not capitilize). I am working at a 'safe' restaurant. And playing my life really slow and at times lame. But I have needed it. This job has opened things up for me... my housesitting gigs... the ablility to try living in the city before actually having to. You know me, I find balancing my dreams on the same wire as daily life boggling. And right now I am entertaining the idea that I may just want to stay mobile/unattached. I'd like to hook up more housesitting gigs. So I can save and take off. But I begin to feel the itch of taking off and not knowing what awaits, but jumping of the ledge, so to speak. And I wonder if I'd be strong enough to do it again, not the travel part, but quitting the job. Or taking off the time to travel. I could go to Mexico/Belize in two weeks. Couldn't I. Could I find a travel partner? I don't need a boyfriend, but a travel partner. A partner in life. I need companionship again. Remember when I said all this before, this time it isn't in a deperately desiring way. But I want companionship. It is comforting to have a shared environment. Soon come, Jah will bring love to my life. And I wish I could chill with M and J... don't apologize to me for that. They treat ms like a baby. So I have to ask myself, do I act like one? No. Hell no. I don't. I am real with them. I need to feel the real from their hearts. And not their heads that tell them... play real. act natural. pretend to be honest. I will learn the hard way, I will open to them so they open to me. I willbe humble and not think twice of what I say or write. I love you. I love her. I love him, I really do. I am falling of the fine wire, I am stumbling, not in life but in this ost. So I will put the keys to rest. Peace. Love. Livity.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
...poem for a fool...
The words you fear, I will not say
But the feeling will be there.
Even though my mouth cannot speak the ideas aloud
You will see the truth in my eyes.
You will know the very thought I am concealing.
Only to avoid embarrassment, I play a fool.
But the feeling will be there.
Even though my mouth cannot speak the ideas aloud
You will see the truth in my eyes.
You will know the very thought I am concealing.
Only to avoid embarrassment, I play a fool.
night and day
----
At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up,
And wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.
----
At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up,
And wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.
----
it's WAY too early... and I should be in bed
I am not sure where to begin, so I will let my finger glide over the keyboard and have my mind... ... ... get stuck. I am at a much better mental place then I was during the last post. I have a positive outlook on the immediate future and the susequent job prospects. And as far as creativity goes, I just cranked out a bunch of collages and one or two poems. I am feeling full. Which is awesome, because the feeling I was having was that of a dried up river bed thirsty for some water to flow through her vein.
One of my really good friends from college just had a baby. She is incredible. The mom. And she is adorable. The baby. And I am so fucking happy for them!! And my other friend is engaged. He is a sweetheart. The fiance.
Yup, it seems to be about that time. That time when all the couples begin to move on to more adult realities. And the single ones are feeling the pressure. It is like the peer pressure one might feel to lose their virginity. Only I don't feel it directly. And I don't know how to finish this thought...
------
I realize the lessons I learned while in Spain more every day. I didn't truly know what I was supposed/had to gain until after Reggae on the River. I came back full of memories and rejuvenated, but at the same time I was confused and lost at what I was expected to do next.
One of my really good friends from college just had a baby. She is incredible. The mom. And she is adorable. The baby. And I am so fucking happy for them!! And my other friend is engaged. He is a sweetheart. The fiance.
Yup, it seems to be about that time. That time when all the couples begin to move on to more adult realities. And the single ones are feeling the pressure. It is like the peer pressure one might feel to lose their virginity. Only I don't feel it directly. And I don't know how to finish this thought...
------
I realize the lessons I learned while in Spain more every day. I didn't truly know what I was supposed/had to gain until after Reggae on the River. I came back full of memories and rejuvenated, but at the same time I was confused and lost at what I was expected to do next.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
The sweet echo of mindfulness that the crickets reverberate are a song of peace to me.
I don't remember the last time i wrote something meaningful... to you or myself. My mind has been in La La Land. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and the choices are plentiful but vastly different. I hope for a light heart and spirit and properly following, mind. I am just an idiot when it comes to maintaining relationships. For no other reason than my unconscious goodwill to fuck things up right when they are going smooth. I love the ladies. But for some inexplicable reason, shit is awkward. They open up to me and I cannot tell a wilt of my life for fear of being judged or discarded in the 'not cool enough' pile. It was not always like this... in fact, it has never been like this. I have lost my semblence of selfconfidence, and I don't have a clue where I left it. I have always been overly sure of myself and taking chances for the pure joy in the unexpected/unknown... and somewhere between the City and now I was led astray. I might blame JP. I might blame the City experience. But that is old news, and JP is just an ex. And neither take into account my resolve to divide myself from all things local and comfortable... They feel stale. I have a stale mind right now. I need a fresh flow of energy and a new extracurricular activity. Or I will go insane. I know if I told the ladies that I wanted to do, they'd be behind me 110%. Which is beautiful and there should be more blessed people that share love as freely as they do. But I would begin to feel like a failure if i didn't follow through. I associate school with failure. And I expect to fail out, because that is all I have known and expected before. What is that called when you look at things in that way... self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I believe that that is the way it may go, that is the way it will go.. I need a positive outlook on things as simple as that. I am radiating negative energy and I am not about that at all. But I feel the radiation. I feel it before others point it out to me. And I know other people feel it because they point it out to me. Light. Love. Livity. And all things good. There are blessed goddesses at every interval of life and there are gods walking right next to them.. Do not forget the balance.. Share yourself for balance.
---
It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...
---
It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
an internet cafe somewhere in Europe
I arrived safely and even had an airport greeting with a colorful handpainted sign! I am spending this week in Madrid, and plan to move on to the northwest of España soon after that. My friend and her boyfriend have been so gracious to show me around and meet for lunch/drinks/etc. This trip is already going good. I can only imagine what is to come and lightly plan the future. But I believe when I am at the end of my vacation I will be in a different mundstate than I have felt this past year and have comfort in knowing where my home is... and it most likely will be in SF. I wish my thoughts were more profound right now(I always say that), maybe I will attempt an entry later on, after the jetlag has worn off. I still feel slightly groggy and disoriented but a few days should change all that. I will post a modified play by play soon... even if you don´t want to hear it...
ciao
ciao
Thursday, May 11, 2006
another 'bit' that are not my own lyrics, though I wish they were...
i knew it was you who sent the
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."
i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little
because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."
and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to
you sent me that second line
i know you wanted your own
And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion
reminding me that time waits for no one
And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue
and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray
but you are already in zion
and i saw you flash and exist
when he exhaled
and shivered
and i know that you are guiding her
i know that you negotiated maze
and growth
no you sent me to him
Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music
give him your hands
your lonely eyes
the way you existed ouside
of this world
you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickester
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing
ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups
i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to
Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing
when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you
-bassey www.basseyworld.com
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."
i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little
because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."
and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to
you sent me that second line
i know you wanted your own
And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion
reminding me that time waits for no one
And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue
and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray
but you are already in zion
and i saw you flash and exist
when he exhaled
and shivered
and i know that you are guiding her
i know that you negotiated maze
and growth
no you sent me to him
Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music
give him your hands
your lonely eyes
the way you existed ouside
of this world
you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickester
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing
ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups
i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to
Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing
when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you
-bassey www.basseyworld.com
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
just a thought
you will never be who you are, if you aren't open to who you be.
and if you knew what was to come, you wouldn't learn how to get there.
and if you could plan every turn, every instance, every love, you wouldn't see a thing along the way.
so you wouldn't grow into the beauiful human you are meant to be.
you never could.
you wouldn't.
you.
and if you knew what was to come, you wouldn't learn how to get there.
and if you could plan every turn, every instance, every love, you wouldn't see a thing along the way.
so you wouldn't grow into the beauiful human you are meant to be.
you never could.
you wouldn't.
you.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
stupid is as stupid does
this is stupid. i can't not have Jp in my life. and just not talk again ever. retarded idea. whose was it? we were supposed to meet for whatever reason and even if he can't be my lover, he certainly can be my friend. i over reacted. but i am painfully too shy to admit that to him. or even too shy to know if he cares anymore. whatever happens, i just have to get that flute I lent him, and my gentleman cds!! primarily the flute. but also gentleman! and that means i have to call him. this is stupid. this barrier i set forth between us. i didn't even know what i was saying. well i did. but it all came out like a flow of lava that probably burned up everything in it's path. i want to be friends. but now i feel like an idiot for freaking out the moment he said he didn't want to be with me. it is unrealistic to believe we can go many days, a few weeks, the length of my trip, without speaking and a) get my stuff back b) make it possible to be friends later. i need to call him now. this is stupid. then again, maybe i learned from him all that i needed to. and i should just call to get my stuff back. how does one ever know when it is as it should be. end of my stupid rant.
Friday, May 05, 2006
once again my computer is too full
COURAGE
for Sonia Sanchez
I have walked head high
in a room full of shadows
I have stomped invisible
as tiptoers saw past me
empty as windows
I have caught the gaze of another
and tossed it aside
like orange peels
I have floated over
the fiery bay at twilight
on flying carpet smoke
blessed by crimson sky spirits
I have been chased away
by a god with blue eyes
then brought back
in the palm of an East wind
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have been liquid ever since
rhythm ground me into dust
and shook me new like rain
I have made the promise,
always go on—
as weeds
and wheels
and women do.
posted by tina on myspace
--truesatori
for Sonia Sanchez
I have walked head high
in a room full of shadows
I have stomped invisible
as tiptoers saw past me
empty as windows
I have caught the gaze of another
and tossed it aside
like orange peels
I have floated over
the fiery bay at twilight
on flying carpet smoke
blessed by crimson sky spirits
I have been chased away
by a god with blue eyes
then brought back
in the palm of an East wind
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have been liquid ever since
rhythm ground me into dust
and shook me new like rain
I have made the promise,
always go on—
as weeds
and wheels
and women do.
posted by tina on myspace
--truesatori
Saturday, April 29, 2006
I resent the girls for not wanting to be my friend. I know I have changed tremendously in the past year, but...
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.
[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.
Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?
Am I freaking out over nothing?
(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.
They are gaining on me.
I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.
They are gaining on me.
I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.
So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.
...
goodnight
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.
[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.
Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?
Am I freaking out over nothing?
(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.
They are gaining on me.
I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.
They are gaining on me.
I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.
So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.
...
goodnight
Saturday, April 22, 2006
so i like this guy. The same one I spoke about earlier... Anyhow, I like this guy and as I was trying to describe the relationship to an old best friend... she turned to me and said: you need to squash that shit. And I do, and I intend to, and I hope to, and I hope it is the answer I want to hear. Which it quite possibly could be... but I am often too chicken shit to say much more than the mundane. But I did call and leave a slightly saucy message- just a hope-you-sleep-well-you-are- probably-already-sleeping-I'll-call-you-tomorrow-type messege. JESUS, I am having issues typing right now. It's like, I COULD go back and fix/delete the typos but I want to keep writing so I don't ( in part b/c I am lazy) ... case in point I abbreviated 'because', but not 'abbreviated'. Anyhow, I damn well hope the truth comes out.
p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...
I love blogging...
and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...
love, k.
p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...
I love blogging...
and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...
love, k.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Waiting
As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…
Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far
I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders
I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before
I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds
Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…
Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far
So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change
And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…
Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far
I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders
I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before
I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds
Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…
Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far
So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change
And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected
Thursday, April 06, 2006
now I wish this one wasn't so true...
| How You Are In Love |
 You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
ha ha ha... how true.
| You Are a Rainbow |
 Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing |
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
love to be inspired...
I love to be inspired. By strangers, old friends, and intangible things I wouldn't have guessed I'd be inspired by. I love it.
---
So all has been well in my forward progression of blind faith, in trusting JP and not backing out for fear of the unknown. There were a few weeks that I began to freak out, in just the slightest way. But I rallied it back together, and decided that until I leave for Spain, that there is nothing to be unrested about. Ride it out and see what unfolds when you get there. Until then, I know that I have been in high spirits, satisfied by the companionship I have, and actively breaking free of my old habitual tendencies. Amen for changes. And amen for every new day that arrives. I feel free in writing all this NOW, since you have seen me at my lowest points in the past. And it must be satisfying for you to finally read my blog and not have some sappy, wishful-thinking kind of post. (It isn't that kind of thing this time, is it? I talking about all those cosmic send outs to K, etc. It is wishful thinking for the future, not wishing for the past to reoccur.)
**It is funny to me that I wrote 'blind faith' above because that is the epitome of my struggle with my family's religion (catholicism) and with love. Is having the blind faith that it is there, it is possible, and that it works out in the end. I'd always say, but how do I know this guy is the one? How do I know God loves me/there is a heaven? You never know but you can believe enough of it to be true. And although I still question which god I want to believe in, when it comes to JP- I can't even see right in front of me... and that is a GREAT thing.
---
So all has been well in my forward progression of blind faith, in trusting JP and not backing out for fear of the unknown. There were a few weeks that I began to freak out, in just the slightest way. But I rallied it back together, and decided that until I leave for Spain, that there is nothing to be unrested about. Ride it out and see what unfolds when you get there. Until then, I know that I have been in high spirits, satisfied by the companionship I have, and actively breaking free of my old habitual tendencies. Amen for changes. And amen for every new day that arrives. I feel free in writing all this NOW, since you have seen me at my lowest points in the past. And it must be satisfying for you to finally read my blog and not have some sappy, wishful-thinking kind of post. (It isn't that kind of thing this time, is it? I talking about all those cosmic send outs to K, etc. It is wishful thinking for the future, not wishing for the past to reoccur.)
**It is funny to me that I wrote 'blind faith' above because that is the epitome of my struggle with my family's religion (catholicism) and with love. Is having the blind faith that it is there, it is possible, and that it works out in the end. I'd always say, but how do I know this guy is the one? How do I know God loves me/there is a heaven? You never know but you can believe enough of it to be true. And although I still question which god I want to believe in, when it comes to JP- I can't even see right in front of me... and that is a GREAT thing.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
what is happiness?
Have you ever met someone and just known it to be right
---
That is all I really can say. From the moment I met J. it has felt right. With no effort. Au natural if you will.
---
And I am not talking Bahr comfortable, or B. excitement, or K. wannabe right. Or any other person I've dated inbetween. But like it has always been the connection between us that I have been waiting for. Every other person was such an effort, and I felt like I had to work for it, this time, I am myself, and he is hisself. I have waited for it to be right, and have imagined it much in the way it has occurred. And I will not deny this feeling or the coincidences that follow, because I know there will be more...
---
I think this could be the beginning of my first serious relationship. ha ha ha. I knew all this was supposed to happen by twentythree. What I didn't realize, is that it would happen all in the last month of my twentythird year.
---
There is so much more I want to say, I wish it would come out more poetically, but I will come back to all this and have poignant words to say. Until then, love and be loved.
Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved.
---
That is all I really can say. From the moment I met J. it has felt right. With no effort. Au natural if you will.
---
And I am not talking Bahr comfortable, or B. excitement, or K. wannabe right. Or any other person I've dated inbetween. But like it has always been the connection between us that I have been waiting for. Every other person was such an effort, and I felt like I had to work for it, this time, I am myself, and he is hisself. I have waited for it to be right, and have imagined it much in the way it has occurred. And I will not deny this feeling or the coincidences that follow, because I know there will be more...
---
I think this could be the beginning of my first serious relationship. ha ha ha. I knew all this was supposed to happen by twentythree. What I didn't realize, is that it would happen all in the last month of my twentythird year.
---
There is so much more I want to say, I wish it would come out more poetically, but I will come back to all this and have poignant words to say. Until then, love and be loved.
Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I have to post this here b/c my hardrive is full, and I can't even save a word document...my livelihood
'm looking for something bluesy tonight, a lagging rhythm and a drawling verse, a gentler sound, a quieter place, where i can sway and rock my hips in monochromatic ambivalence, somewhere blatantly sexual in intention but not in mindset, a dark corner perhaps. easy. there's detachment in losing yourself and violence in bringing it back, so whattyasay. i say, it's about time. a warning - regression will come before progression.
if we're talking about music - i played the horn for five years, until i realized that it was dripping in testosterone. i gave it over to a billy davis whose first name in another time might have been miles. that was his territory and we both knew it - what drove me away was how i imagined wrapping my lips around that metal mouthpiece, consuming the entire instrument, when all i was required to do was tongue the right beats in the right time signature and, yeah, hit the right notes. i could do all of that just fine but i'm no lesbian and my tongue was designed for other things. as a result, i was left with no musical inclination and now would much rather lay back and say, yes yes give it to me harder, more more more.
if fucking is intuitive, then musical appreciation can be, too. and blogging??
-from http://littlekitchen.blogspot.com/
if we're talking about music - i played the horn for five years, until i realized that it was dripping in testosterone. i gave it over to a billy davis whose first name in another time might have been miles. that was his territory and we both knew it - what drove me away was how i imagined wrapping my lips around that metal mouthpiece, consuming the entire instrument, when all i was required to do was tongue the right beats in the right time signature and, yeah, hit the right notes. i could do all of that just fine but i'm no lesbian and my tongue was designed for other things. as a result, i was left with no musical inclination and now would much rather lay back and say, yes yes give it to me harder, more more more.
if fucking is intuitive, then musical appreciation can be, too. and blogging??
-from http://littlekitchen.blogspot.com/
ssssssssnakes and zzzzzzzzs
I am drained at the moment. Devoid of strong emotions, pure thoughts, and a clear conception anything.
If I could grasp the very snake that eludes me,
I'd put it in a basket and serenade it with a song.
And inspire the dervish to sway with sweet ecstasy.
And when the majority of passerbys disagree with my casual comfort in creating his/my own sad solitude,
I beg you to question the snake trapped in a basket,
how it feels.
It feels like love
is all he can answer.
The moments we experience that are pleasurable
when thought of next to moments we'd wish we could be free of.
Love.
The pure healing that music gives you when you seem to be alone.
And feeling trapped.
In a basket.
And even if for moments at a time. That is the feeling of love.
But if I could grasp that very snake that eludes from me,
I'd pray he is strong enough to slither off with me.
With him.
In hand.
---
This was originally was more of a curing elixir for a general ailment- boredom not singlehood. It wasn't intended to get so romantic. But I guess there is where I had to go. I actually really like it.
I need sober sleep, less thoughts, and a man in my bed.
If I could grasp the very snake that eludes me,
I'd put it in a basket and serenade it with a song.
And inspire the dervish to sway with sweet ecstasy.
And when the majority of passerbys disagree with my casual comfort in creating his/my own sad solitude,
I beg you to question the snake trapped in a basket,
how it feels.
It feels like love
is all he can answer.
The moments we experience that are pleasurable
when thought of next to moments we'd wish we could be free of.
Love.
The pure healing that music gives you when you seem to be alone.
And feeling trapped.
In a basket.
And even if for moments at a time. That is the feeling of love.
But if I could grasp that very snake that eludes from me,
I'd pray he is strong enough to slither off with me.
With him.
In hand.
---
This was originally was more of a curing elixir for a general ailment- boredom not singlehood. It wasn't intended to get so romantic. But I guess there is where I had to go. I actually really like it.
I need sober sleep, less thoughts, and a man in my bed.
I am BLAH
I have been filling my brain with far too serious thoughts recently. And it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...
Enough B. Enough with insecurities. Enough with deep afterthoughts. And live a little lighter.
I have been sad. As much as I want to be mad at B for not telling me the whole truth (and put it past me like it doesn't matter). I have been sad without him regardless.
And I try to fill my void with guys, hanging out/dating guys. Not always hooking up with, but dating.
"Once it gets physical, it is just so wrong" I just said that as an observation about myself. And it can be interpreted many ways.
1. the 'it' feeling so wrong, I get uncomfortable and don't know how to act
2. the "so wrong" feeling that is a product of my catholic upbrining,
3. my psychosis speaking...blah blah blah
Great at being a guys best friend, horrible at dating them.
...And here I go getting all seriously deep again. So it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...
Enough B. Enough with insecurities. Enough with deep afterthoughts. And live a little lighter.
I have been sad. As much as I want to be mad at B for not telling me the whole truth (and put it past me like it doesn't matter). I have been sad without him regardless.
And I try to fill my void with guys, hanging out/dating guys. Not always hooking up with, but dating.
"Once it gets physical, it is just so wrong" I just said that as an observation about myself. And it can be interpreted many ways.
1. the 'it' feeling so wrong, I get uncomfortable and don't know how to act
2. the "so wrong" feeling that is a product of my catholic upbrining,
3. my psychosis speaking...blah blah blah
Great at being a guys best friend, horrible at dating them.
...And here I go getting all seriously deep again. So it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I have been told...
I exude an 'I don't need men' attitude.
I do believe that sometimes I do, but hope I don't always.
I want to call Jason tomorrow.
I do believe that sometimes I do, but hope I don't always.
I want to call Jason tomorrow.
I ran into my B. tonight. And it was so so. At first I tried to play it cool and slightly ignored his presence. But then succumbed to his mysterious ways. (he smells so good- fresh and clean). And was dancing, he was grabbing me and hugging me ALOT. I will say that I only responded after he flirted his way in. And then, of course, I was sorely dissappointed. Eventually another girl came into the picture, and they made out alot and danced hella raunchy, in front of me. I was sitting at the bar talking to Julio (thank god. at least he is hot and sexy), but they really where right in front of me, definitely in my line of sight. I thought that was less than tactful, and mostly rude. But anyhow, I did a great job of ignoring it and shrugging it off when B. made eye contact with me. At one point I was dancing and I made direct eye contact with him- mid-embrace with the mystery girl. And he made the "cut it off" hand-to-neck move... about the girl, to me. That was another rude move on his part. ---I am not that sorry when I say: you can't seduce both of us in the same night. Later on in the evening, I asked who his "lady friend" was and he said " a friend from way back". Well in my head I thought I don't care how far back she goes, she was kissing on you, and you on her, so she must be (I assumed) his new girlfriend. I am sorry but she is a hella broke looking Indian girl, with a big nose. ... there I feel better already. Priscilla. I already despise the name.
I hate stepping on people's toes, and I don't like to be made a fool. I can feel jealous that you were kissing up on her, because I like you...
and speaking of like/love. You told me a few times this evening, that you loved me. Even if it was in a friendly sort of way, you said it to me repeatedly, usually in an embrace. I like you too. But I hate to back that up with gusto because I bet you were drunk and that is why you said what you said.
At the end of the night, he asked me to come back to his house and smoke some bubble hash. And like clockwork, I said no. Rightfully so, because even though he apparently 'wanted' me to come over, something inside said 'either she'll be there and I'l have to deal, or no- I just watch her canoodle you at the bar, and I feel like that is your girlfriend, and I don't want to step on anyones toes or embarass myself. I'd rather protect myself than put myself out there and wait. ... ... ...
Protection by prevention. I keep pulling a tarot card that says I tend to 'block', to a flaw, things that I feel will hurt me. I try less, and gain less. Ahhh, I am getting deep. In thoughts, into the night, and in shit, so I will bid you all adieu.
love, k.
I hate stepping on people's toes, and I don't like to be made a fool. I can feel jealous that you were kissing up on her, because I like you...
and speaking of like/love. You told me a few times this evening, that you loved me. Even if it was in a friendly sort of way, you said it to me repeatedly, usually in an embrace. I like you too. But I hate to back that up with gusto because I bet you were drunk and that is why you said what you said.
At the end of the night, he asked me to come back to his house and smoke some bubble hash. And like clockwork, I said no. Rightfully so, because even though he apparently 'wanted' me to come over, something inside said 'either she'll be there and I'l have to deal, or no- I just watch her canoodle you at the bar, and I feel like that is your girlfriend, and I don't want to step on anyones toes or embarass myself. I'd rather protect myself than put myself out there and wait. ... ... ...
Protection by prevention. I keep pulling a tarot card that says I tend to 'block', to a flaw, things that I feel will hurt me. I try less, and gain less. Ahhh, I am getting deep. In thoughts, into the night, and in shit, so I will bid you all adieu.
love, k.
Monday, February 27, 2006
you like drama?
Jon is not what I need right now. I am looking for a friendship first and everything else later. I was just getting comfortable with B. and then... roadblock. Then Jon came along, and he was attracted to me, and would say all the things I had hoped B. would say to me, but was unable to hear because of the other woman. But I am not that attracted to Jon. Now it has been almost too long since I have talked to B., to go back to the way we were. Oh how life can suck.
And on the same page... my girls, like my best homegirls, are not speaking to me, in middle school fashion. Over something I shouldn't have said. I realize the importance of secrecy with these girls, they are terrified for much to get out about them, but for the record I didn't rat it out out of spite. I told my best friend something in confidence and she referenced it in conversation to my homegirl, and homegirl misinterpreted what my friend actually knew. See I didn't tell my best friend the whole truth. I know it is dramatically complicated and you feel like you are time traveling to the 7th grade, but two of my best friends won' t join or include me in anything, don't care to call anymore, and make things awkward when I DO see them because of a misunderstanding. And that hurts. From one of them, M., I kind of expect that behavior. But the other friend,J., has always seemed to be the more mature, not so caught up in drama, and she is giving me the same cold shoulder as M. I hope J. is not feeling the same way about me as M. does. But frankly, I have to get to work and I don't give a damn!!!
And on the same page... my girls, like my best homegirls, are not speaking to me, in middle school fashion. Over something I shouldn't have said. I realize the importance of secrecy with these girls, they are terrified for much to get out about them, but for the record I didn't rat it out out of spite. I told my best friend something in confidence and she referenced it in conversation to my homegirl, and homegirl misinterpreted what my friend actually knew. See I didn't tell my best friend the whole truth. I know it is dramatically complicated and you feel like you are time traveling to the 7th grade, but two of my best friends won' t join or include me in anything, don't care to call anymore, and make things awkward when I DO see them because of a misunderstanding. And that hurts. From one of them, M., I kind of expect that behavior. But the other friend,J., has always seemed to be the more mature, not so caught up in drama, and she is giving me the same cold shoulder as M. I hope J. is not feeling the same way about me as M. does. But frankly, I have to get to work and I don't give a damn!!!
Monday, February 13, 2006
I say I feel...
ALOT. (almost every entry)
I feel...
I am feeling...
I felt...
I FEEL... nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing...
I feel...
I am feeling...
I felt...
I FEEL... nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing...
I feel expendable. And that is one of my problems with men. I am not honest and upfront with my feelings about them. And don't act on many for fear of looking foolish (I definitely have said that before). But I feel like if there is a fight to be had over a boy, it is okay for me to be pushed aside and not the 'chosen' one. I feel expendable. Like it's okay I'll find someone else, you go ahead and take the guy I was beginning to like. I am a slow lover. I don't mean I am prude per se, I will have sex with some. But I need to 'warm up' and become friends with the guy first. BUT I AM NOT EXPENDABLE. There is someone out there that does not think of me as expendable, and he will love me.
side note: Jon, do you feel the reason you hook up with your circle of friends might be because you are comfortable with them. And once you get to know them, they become even more attractive. This is another new perspective for me to look from. I went through a stage where I hooked up with almost all of my guy friends. Right around the time of K. But I decided that I couldn't make out with all of them. So I began hooking up with strangers. But even that didn't work. And now I move in on people so slowly, that apparently I sometimes lose them. ie. B. [Nothing happened between us, so I can't claim any 'dibs' on him. But we'd hang out solo alot and I thought we were just getting to know eachother better before something was going to happen. But I thought recently it was moving forward a little bit.] I want someone to be my friend and discover what a beautiful person I am and THEN seduce me. Ahhh dreams.
Maybe it comes down to one night, B. casually said, 'you could stay here' and I said 'I have to get home, I work tomorrow' or something stupid like that. Maybe he saw that as my turning him down. And it was his final straw. After hanging out for 2-3 months. Well, I know it looks like I did turn him down. But I didn't mean to. I want to, but I want him to ask me to stay in a different way. I don't know what I am saying anymore... nonsense should be my middle name.
But back to the 2-3 months part... I didn't really realize how long I'd been hanging out with him. Okay, I am a wanker for wasting all that time. But he did keep me occupied and helped me get over Bahr. That is it! I met B right after I got dissed by Bahr. No wonder I didn't want to move fast with him, I had just moved fast with someone else. And see where all that ended up? I am a stress case and psychobabbler. But I swear the next guy, I will just go with it, fast or slow. I will go with it. And I won't be afraid of looking foolish.
side note: Jon, do you feel the reason you hook up with your circle of friends might be because you are comfortable with them. And once you get to know them, they become even more attractive. This is another new perspective for me to look from. I went through a stage where I hooked up with almost all of my guy friends. Right around the time of K. But I decided that I couldn't make out with all of them. So I began hooking up with strangers. But even that didn't work. And now I move in on people so slowly, that apparently I sometimes lose them. ie. B. [Nothing happened between us, so I can't claim any 'dibs' on him. But we'd hang out solo alot and I thought we were just getting to know eachother better before something was going to happen. But I thought recently it was moving forward a little bit.] I want someone to be my friend and discover what a beautiful person I am and THEN seduce me. Ahhh dreams.
Maybe it comes down to one night, B. casually said, 'you could stay here' and I said 'I have to get home, I work tomorrow' or something stupid like that. Maybe he saw that as my turning him down. And it was his final straw. After hanging out for 2-3 months. Well, I know it looks like I did turn him down. But I didn't mean to. I want to, but I want him to ask me to stay in a different way. I don't know what I am saying anymore... nonsense should be my middle name.
But back to the 2-3 months part... I didn't really realize how long I'd been hanging out with him. Okay, I am a wanker for wasting all that time. But he did keep me occupied and helped me get over Bahr. That is it! I met B right after I got dissed by Bahr. No wonder I didn't want to move fast with him, I had just moved fast with someone else. And see where all that ended up? I am a stress case and psychobabbler. But I swear the next guy, I will just go with it, fast or slow. I will go with it. And I won't be afraid of looking foolish.
abide by rules and truths...
...like B has a girlfriend
...and I am always the "other woman"
...and honesty is everything
...and loyalty is everything
...and I have nothing
...but rules and truths
...and pink heart shaped balloons
happy valentines day
k.
...and I am always the "other woman"
...and honesty is everything
...and loyalty is everything
...and I have nothing
...but rules and truths
...and pink heart shaped balloons
happy valentines day
k.
Monday, February 06, 2006
I am feeling rejuvenated. And not just today, but during the past few weeks. I have begun to accept each day as truly new. Where it has the ability/the probability of being different from yesterday. And that perspective of life is a precious attribute.
Because it is usually fleeting.
----
Toward the sunlight, and away from the woods, I said.
It will do you no good, to mingle amongst the shadows.
It will only help to aggregate strife and sorrow.
But I enjoy the layers of darkness, she responds.
And the thin rays of silvery light.
I have seen great things happen in the woods.
Well if you must, you must. But beware
The twirling vines that creep up on a soul,
will likely drag you deeper.
----
But I feel good, and I now I just need to get on my bike again. And all will be better. Fresh air, strength, and a clear head. All positively fabulous feelings, instead of the desire to get high or drunk.
Saturday I took my meditation hike with a prominent desire to be alone and regroup. Although there were cars in the parking lot, I was very much alone on my accent. The path was slippery and muddy. But there was not another soul to encounter. This hike was a slow one, because of the conditions of the trail, but I also stopped periodically and pondered thoughts on myself/my condition/greater creations/and the fresh, clear views. I found my rock and climbed atop it. And I sat and breathed. As if a beautiful dance of nature was performed, in the live theatre of the world, I watched three birds soar over the gorge, gliding up and down the streams of wind. And thought to myself, that animal is 'flying'... phenomenal. Anyhow, this had all been experienced in silence, and I finally mustered up the energy to speak and said "And silence is golden". And not more than seconds later I hear voices. They were coming from behind me. I thought the irony was beautiful. Perfect timing to get up and begin my descent. I was extra cautious on the way down, for fear of a sprained ankle or worse. And I swear, I passed at least 8 groups of hikers. Groups, not just individuals. And all were walking uphill. As if I had chosen the right time to begin my meditation hike (early morning- 11 am or so). And if I had hesitated or gone to my first planned destination, or even the second, there could not have been a better time or place to find clarity. So I thanked nature for being. And I am thankful for being. And I hope to just be. New things are unfolding day by day, and let's be honest, we all love the small surprises too!
Because it is usually fleeting.
----
Toward the sunlight, and away from the woods, I said.
It will do you no good, to mingle amongst the shadows.
It will only help to aggregate strife and sorrow.
But I enjoy the layers of darkness, she responds.
And the thin rays of silvery light.
I have seen great things happen in the woods.
Well if you must, you must. But beware
The twirling vines that creep up on a soul,
will likely drag you deeper.
----
But I feel good, and I now I just need to get on my bike again. And all will be better. Fresh air, strength, and a clear head. All positively fabulous feelings, instead of the desire to get high or drunk.
Saturday I took my meditation hike with a prominent desire to be alone and regroup. Although there were cars in the parking lot, I was very much alone on my accent. The path was slippery and muddy. But there was not another soul to encounter. This hike was a slow one, because of the conditions of the trail, but I also stopped periodically and pondered thoughts on myself/my condition/greater creations/and the fresh, clear views. I found my rock and climbed atop it. And I sat and breathed. As if a beautiful dance of nature was performed, in the live theatre of the world, I watched three birds soar over the gorge, gliding up and down the streams of wind. And thought to myself, that animal is 'flying'... phenomenal. Anyhow, this had all been experienced in silence, and I finally mustered up the energy to speak and said "And silence is golden". And not more than seconds later I hear voices. They were coming from behind me. I thought the irony was beautiful. Perfect timing to get up and begin my descent. I was extra cautious on the way down, for fear of a sprained ankle or worse. And I swear, I passed at least 8 groups of hikers. Groups, not just individuals. And all were walking uphill. As if I had chosen the right time to begin my meditation hike (early morning- 11 am or so). And if I had hesitated or gone to my first planned destination, or even the second, there could not have been a better time or place to find clarity. So I thanked nature for being. And I am thankful for being. And I hope to just be. New things are unfolding day by day, and let's be honest, we all love the small surprises too!
Saturday, January 21, 2006
recouperating
I don't feel like I did last night. I am thinking retrospectively, and I am happy for K. and I am not jealous. And I think I acted pretty normal.
I swear this is IT on this topic. For awhile.
I swear this is IT on this topic. For awhile.
and even more
If I really wanted to dig some shit up- I could bring up J. practically choosing N. over me in highschool. My first everything and he ditched me. Proof at the beginning, that I was doomed forever... da da dadaa
More dramatics... since that last one was definately dramatic
I can't believe I just wrote all that [about K.]. I am so dramatic. And even still, I can't tell if I acted normal whe he saw me/while I was there, or if he could feel my energy and I wasn't acting normal. Whatever. Dramatic.
Jan 20th 2006...
It makes me happy to see K.
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...
So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.
I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)
Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...
**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...
So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.
I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)
Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...
**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
New Years Resolution!
Sometimes I feel like my life is less exciting than others. Like a few people I know have opportunities to go abroad, and I can't help but have pangs of jealousy, that I should be travelling too. And instead I am "stuck at home and working in the same area" -Nothing new has happened. Here is when I forget that I have just come from the deeply moving experience of living in New York.
I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.
..................
So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).
love, truesatori
I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.
..................
So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).
love, truesatori
Monday, December 12, 2005
still more...
a few weeks ago-
I find trusting people, near impossible. If I could find a miracle remedy to the loss of trust I feel, I would take it. I hate not telling people anything. Keeping the truth to myself. Not allowing friends to know who I am and what I feel. I think lunch with D tomorrow will be long awaited and healthy for us. Building back that trust we had will take a little more time. But I am hopeful and anxious for the meeting to take place. I cannot hide from people in my life.
---I think people like me because I am so mysterious. I am not saying that because I think it is right I am so mysterious. I do it unintentionally. I am such a shy person I rarely give anything away. I rarely have something to say so I smile and make eye contact and that is what makes people think we have a connection. Too far fetched??? I don’t think I am too good for anyone, I just don’t know how to be with someone.
.................................................
today-
I am tired of people going too far with me… before anything is established. I am wholeheartedly not trying to seem conceited, but the guys that approach…scratch that…the guys that seem to misinterpret my friendliness, take it too far by hitting on me/trying to makeout with me, when all I want is the friendship. C, R, S, R… they cross the line by either spilling their feelings onto me or by touching me too frequently and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact I have to turn down every guy. But how can I convey that I am purely not LOOKING to have a relationship with anyone/I don’t want THAT or to have anything going on with them… the right thing will appear before me and I’ll know. (And by relationship I mean physical/sexual, not necessarily a RELATIONSHIP, but everyone thinks that that is what I am expecting their advances to mean.) They think I am weirding out about it, why I can’t just have fun… WELL IT IS BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, I WISH THERE WERE NO ADVANCES BY THOSE GUYS PERIOD/EVER/AGAIN.
I find trusting people, near impossible. If I could find a miracle remedy to the loss of trust I feel, I would take it. I hate not telling people anything. Keeping the truth to myself. Not allowing friends to know who I am and what I feel. I think lunch with D tomorrow will be long awaited and healthy for us. Building back that trust we had will take a little more time. But I am hopeful and anxious for the meeting to take place. I cannot hide from people in my life.
---I think people like me because I am so mysterious. I am not saying that because I think it is right I am so mysterious. I do it unintentionally. I am such a shy person I rarely give anything away. I rarely have something to say so I smile and make eye contact and that is what makes people think we have a connection. Too far fetched??? I don’t think I am too good for anyone, I just don’t know how to be with someone.
.................................................
today-
I am tired of people going too far with me… before anything is established. I am wholeheartedly not trying to seem conceited, but the guys that approach…scratch that…the guys that seem to misinterpret my friendliness, take it too far by hitting on me/trying to makeout with me, when all I want is the friendship. C, R, S, R… they cross the line by either spilling their feelings onto me or by touching me too frequently and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact I have to turn down every guy. But how can I convey that I am purely not LOOKING to have a relationship with anyone/I don’t want THAT or to have anything going on with them… the right thing will appear before me and I’ll know. (And by relationship I mean physical/sexual, not necessarily a RELATIONSHIP, but everyone thinks that that is what I am expecting their advances to mean.) They think I am weirding out about it, why I can’t just have fun… WELL IT IS BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, I WISH THERE WERE NO ADVANCES BY THOSE GUYS PERIOD/EVER/AGAIN.
poem in threes
Wandering traveler
Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight
Weary traveler
…
But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…
The truth is I don’t know my passion.
Passionate.
To feel passion.
There has to be something that one is passionate about.
I am passionless.
But only for awhile.
Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight
Weary traveler
…
But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…
The truth is I don’t know my passion.
Passionate.
To feel passion.
There has to be something that one is passionate about.
I am passionless.
But only for awhile.
Now...
8/31/05
I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground
I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up
I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future
The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb
Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright
--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light
I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America
I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight
I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:
No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.
I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.
I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground
I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up
I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future
The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb
Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright
--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light
I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America
I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight
I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:
No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.
I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.
an old poem #1
First Time
I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook
If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.
I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook
If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
I have so much more to say about Josh...
but right now the thoughts are confusing. Give me some time.
it's halloween
Does anyone else go through stages with their friends where they are super tight for awhile, and then just filter into rarely seeing them anymore?
For some subconscious reason I am growing farther apart from my best friends. When I first moved back I was more than excited to be with my girls again, the core I was so comfortable with. And then I began to imagine that living in the City had changed me or I had grown into a different way of life. I found myself finding that we had less in common than before. And I don't mean to say I changed in a superior way, just in a different sort of way. (I am trying to convey a very discombobulated and intangible experience, so bear with me.) Basically I feel like I don't fit in to their "circle" anymore. Because I missed alot of things they experienced, they kept up with the SF club scene, with friends out here, etc. And although I experienced alot without them as well, I feel like I am lacking any understanding of their lives. I don't like to do the things we used to do together and when I do do those things I am bored and not really "all there". I still love them dearly and wish I didn't impose this barrier between us but I can't help it. I know things will go back to normal soon enough, bt until then I will spend Halloween without them. End rant.
***I saw my ex boyfriend from two maybe three years ago... and that opened a can of beans in my heart.This guy was as important as K. He scarred me, so I scarred myself as a result and imposed this barrier between men and me. I saw him last night, but was too scared to say a thing to him. I don't know if/when he saw me, there was any recognition. But all I know is I wish I had the cajones to say something... ANYTHING. I acted like a wimp. For that I am a bit angry at myself for. Even still, I needed to break this barrier, and I believe just the sight of him lastnight, was triumph enough over alot of pain and guilt. So goodbye J. You were a beautiful time in my life, but you were not what made me beautiful. And I have to see the sun set on my attachment to you. I am waiting patiently for my love to come... and it will be here soon. I have faith.
For some subconscious reason I am growing farther apart from my best friends. When I first moved back I was more than excited to be with my girls again, the core I was so comfortable with. And then I began to imagine that living in the City had changed me or I had grown into a different way of life. I found myself finding that we had less in common than before. And I don't mean to say I changed in a superior way, just in a different sort of way. (I am trying to convey a very discombobulated and intangible experience, so bear with me.) Basically I feel like I don't fit in to their "circle" anymore. Because I missed alot of things they experienced, they kept up with the SF club scene, with friends out here, etc. And although I experienced alot without them as well, I feel like I am lacking any understanding of their lives. I don't like to do the things we used to do together and when I do do those things I am bored and not really "all there". I still love them dearly and wish I didn't impose this barrier between us but I can't help it. I know things will go back to normal soon enough, bt until then I will spend Halloween without them. End rant.
***I saw my ex boyfriend from two maybe three years ago... and that opened a can of beans in my heart.This guy was as important as K. He scarred me, so I scarred myself as a result and imposed this barrier between men and me. I saw him last night, but was too scared to say a thing to him. I don't know if/when he saw me, there was any recognition. But all I know is I wish I had the cajones to say something... ANYTHING. I acted like a wimp. For that I am a bit angry at myself for. Even still, I needed to break this barrier, and I believe just the sight of him lastnight, was triumph enough over alot of pain and guilt. So goodbye J. You were a beautiful time in my life, but you were not what made me beautiful. And I have to see the sun set on my attachment to you. I am waiting patiently for my love to come... and it will be here soon. I have faith.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
blah, blah
blah, blah, blah, my past few posts have been so bor-ing! I am preparing for a really good one...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
All things Brazilian...
How do you know who you should date or who you shouldn't? And how do you decide to spend time with one or the other. We probably are capable of hanging out with any one person we meet, and making the relationship work. So who is your "soul mate"? And out of all the many, which one do you follow up on. I know, I know, I am making it sound technical.
I don't know if you speak what you think I'd want to hear, but I speak from the heart, and react in a way that is totally me, to the core. But I am always afraid the guy is putting on an act and smiling, complimenting me, talking about the stars, random stuff, whatever, to use and abuse me. I am probably just being too sensitive. N. said "Don't be scared, I can tell." an something along the lines of 'if you'd only loosen up' or 'relax, I don't bite'. But he didn't use a cheesy line like 'bite'.
The K. he sees encourages that true statement, I am super selfconscious. And not about my weight as much as I complain about that, but selfconscious of my sexuality/sensuality, of guys seeing me, the way I dance, what I wear, and I am terrified of them responding and coming on to me. I am so weird, I am hopefully the only girl who thinks of themselves vs. men like that. Actually I know I am not the only female that believes men other than our fathers, to be untruthful, manipulative, and
Maybe the difference between N. and E. is that N. was dancing with me and touching my waist and ogling me, E. was definately looking at me, checking me out and dancing with me, but did not invade my space by touching me, except when mutual.
J. has the common sense I need. He makes friendly fun of me for drinking during the weekdays, and smoking all the pot I do. Onetime he said it, I responded by saying "your not my boyfriend, you can't say that". But I could see that he has a gentle, genuine caring for my/any females wellbeing, And that his guidance might straighten me out.
Even though he may seem a player, he does have high values and respect for females. Maybe it's the Brazilian in him. I don't know.
E. is just so cute with the best green eyes ever. His dad is Italian, his mom Brazilian. Double SEXY!!! And we talked about things other than normal small talk. Stars, constellations, other beliefs, family. Was it all for show? And then is it fucked up to be attracted/date him since he kissed JeNeel. That was totally a drunken kiss at a bar nonetheless. And nothing ever came of it. But he is so cute and seemed really sweet. I wonder if he said anything to J. about me, (I am totally getting caught up in the Brazilian drama/web/romance) And if he did did they all say stuff/share stories, do they know J. crushes on me... is my head big enough yet???? By share stories I meant just talk about what I said to each of them, how I danced with one and felt the others eyes on me, do they care to talk about me in that way? Part of the time I was uncomfortable dancing. And this morning I realized in their Brazilian culture that people dance together platonically. The sexual energy is everywhere, but most people dance and don't feel like THEY'VE JUST HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND REAL EMOTIONS WERE INVOLVED. I can't not involve my emotions, even with the most trivial of interactions. I feel like there is always a sexual connection to anyone I meet (usually male), and that gets in the way of making new platonic friends and from having a romantic relationship with the guy.
more random thoughts:
I am fucked up and want to get fucked up all the time... do I have a problem and can somebody help me????
I am "unfuckwitable".
I don't know if you speak what you think I'd want to hear, but I speak from the heart, and react in a way that is totally me, to the core. But I am always afraid the guy is putting on an act and smiling, complimenting me, talking about the stars, random stuff, whatever, to use and abuse me. I am probably just being too sensitive. N. said "Don't be scared, I can tell." an something along the lines of 'if you'd only loosen up' or 'relax, I don't bite'. But he didn't use a cheesy line like 'bite'.
The K. he sees encourages that true statement, I am super selfconscious. And not about my weight as much as I complain about that, but selfconscious of my sexuality/sensuality, of guys seeing me, the way I dance, what I wear, and I am terrified of them responding and coming on to me. I am so weird, I am hopefully the only girl who thinks of themselves vs. men like that. Actually I know I am not the only female that believes men other than our fathers, to be untruthful, manipulative, and
Maybe the difference between N. and E. is that N. was dancing with me and touching my waist and ogling me, E. was definately looking at me, checking me out and dancing with me, but did not invade my space by touching me, except when mutual.
J. has the common sense I need. He makes friendly fun of me for drinking during the weekdays, and smoking all the pot I do. Onetime he said it, I responded by saying "your not my boyfriend, you can't say that". But I could see that he has a gentle, genuine caring for my/any females wellbeing, And that his guidance might straighten me out.
Even though he may seem a player, he does have high values and respect for females. Maybe it's the Brazilian in him. I don't know.
E. is just so cute with the best green eyes ever. His dad is Italian, his mom Brazilian. Double SEXY!!! And we talked about things other than normal small talk. Stars, constellations, other beliefs, family. Was it all for show? And then is it fucked up to be attracted/date him since he kissed JeNeel. That was totally a drunken kiss at a bar nonetheless. And nothing ever came of it. But he is so cute and seemed really sweet. I wonder if he said anything to J. about me, (I am totally getting caught up in the Brazilian drama/web/romance) And if he did did they all say stuff/share stories, do they know J. crushes on me... is my head big enough yet???? By share stories I meant just talk about what I said to each of them, how I danced with one and felt the others eyes on me, do they care to talk about me in that way? Part of the time I was uncomfortable dancing. And this morning I realized in their Brazilian culture that people dance together platonically. The sexual energy is everywhere, but most people dance and don't feel like THEY'VE JUST HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND REAL EMOTIONS WERE INVOLVED. I can't not involve my emotions, even with the most trivial of interactions. I feel like there is always a sexual connection to anyone I meet (usually male), and that gets in the way of making new platonic friends and from having a romantic relationship with the guy.
more random thoughts:
I am fucked up and want to get fucked up all the time... do I have a problem and can somebody help me????
I am "unfuckwitable".
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