"According to my psychiatrist...."

I love eavesdropping in coffee shops! The rest of the comment wasn't worthy of note, but that headline perked my ears enough to giggle a bit inside.
*************

I am so eager and slightly impatient about my cross country trek. Hesitant and reluctant that in all this time, I haven't been back to New York. It wasn't that beautiful city that killed me... it was my relationship with D. Our one-sided, partially hazy, very crazy friendship dictated by drugs. But that has passed. And so has the next. Now we just have to enjoy and revel in the newness that each day holds in its potential possibility.

According to my psychiatrist...

It's been raining for days and I need new socks...

It is that time of year when being cooped up in our houses due to inclement weather is the norm. We find there is no end to our creativity because, activities we hadn't desired to pick up begin budding, from dusty corners, into breathtaking blooms. We seek an escape from boredom, and are often filled with a highly anticipated, though unused, whim of whimsicality. Everything we see that whispers spring, we latch on to as if it were Noah's ark sailing towards the warmth and change we desire. (If ever there was a time to allow for waiting... it is now.)

All that being said... I am thoroughly enjoying the wet weather mother nature is treating us to. Those last few sunny days were lovely and unexpected, but Humboldt County ultimately needed to be brought back into nature's natural life.

***I am reminded of the days when the sun shone as it should
and rains fell when due.****

-----------

"Waiting" right now, is pleasurable... reminding me to slow down, appreciate, discover newness within myself. And transform this nettle of angst into a nest of love!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to all my loves, past, present, and future!!!!

In Mendocino and enveloped in warm coffee shop haze. Embracing every ounce of sunshine and content with watery moments I have had in the past few days.

Patrick's Point. Goat Rock. Mendocino Coast.

I am going to miss the mountains I have called home for the past four months. I will always be thankful. I will always remember. I will embrace the change. And hunger for my return.

I am happy.

In a a few moments, I will also be seeing two of my lovely life journeyers. Smiles. And laughter. Brilliance. And fun. Life is good. And I hope I remember this feeling.

New opportunities. Familiar surroundings. Different adventures. Always home.
I look forward to living in the city again, though I hold some reservation to the ease that I will find work. What doesn't happen, is not meant to be. And what does, is just the beginning.

I haven't felt this way since long ago....

Fearing God. Fearing Love. Allowing space for negativity. Trying to attract positivity. Hoping to be positive. Want to find joy again.


I made huge regression last night. Childish behavior. Instinctual, but horribly misplaced. It ended up being a disrespectful and degrading experience. But I am craving attention. I miss love. So I seek it in unhealthy unrealistic ways. I need to keep moving. I can't settle right now. I don't feel settled. And even when I sit quietly, it is unsettling instead of meditative. I like to talk the talk, and often walk the walk, but sometimes I find myself contradicting the Truth that I DO know and am blessed to understand. I feel that I just want to check out! I want to get the fuck out of here. And build my own self. I need expansion. I seek more than what is right here in front of me. I want to keep moving. I learn from every experience, and based on last night, I am reminded why I don't behave the way I did in college. It is not a true expression of all that I believe. I believe in higher heights, clear thinking/intention/communication... I seem to be at a stand still with my communication. Verbalizing my wants/desires/needs have been difficult. I feel like a turtle tucked in it's shell, fearful to open up and be vulnerable. Not actually wanting to be affected pos or neg by others. I am trying to control an uncontrollable destiny. I don't know if missing GG is the reality of my feelings? or only in the forefront of my mind because I'm lonely and a little lost? I am over this running and running of my mind and away from wherever I am. Home is where the heart is. God is within. All we need is love. and at that... Let it be!

what a bore I am

I am bored with waiting. I am bored with life. I am bored with boredom. Thats all for now...

straight on till morning....

New Years wasn't so bad, even though my last post reeked of aloofness. We wandered from park to park, swung on swings, drank plenty of champagne, little bit of crown, went to a really beautiful loft where I ended up taking a cat nap on the couch until my other New Years revelers were ready to go home, at five am. I have come to realize the hype is just that... hype. And even if you pay the high price to be at a swanky gathering or not, the most important thing is to enjoy the company you are with. And celebrate THAT!!!

Now I sit in my parents home, lolly-gagging until my laundry is done. I plan to leave for N. California tomorrow, and I cannot wait, for my pace to slow. More than that, I can't wait to be in a place where my natural pace is not judged as lazy. I am all about being present in my breath, my steps, my interactions, and I feel strongly that that is best achieved in nature. And my drinking tendency will fade, so to my smoking, I hope. I have set these goals to better myself and create clarity where there once was not. Go with the wind, and love yourself, for this is what keeps the world in rotation.

New Years oh, New Years... my thoughts are always mixed about you. What is the hype all for? Year after year it aggrandizes and I feel it is almost too big for its britches now. It's as though this day has been snowballing and now sits in the category of overrated and overly expectatious for awhile now. I don't believe in the delusion that we should have just a few select days to celebrate our happiness/greatness/present. I have learned to embrace everyday of life and so this holiday just doesn't resonate with me the way it does with most. Not to say I think other people shouldn't rock out with their cocks out with exuberance. But for me, at this point in my life, I am purely over the expense, pizazz and more often than not, the let downs. Still I hope for a New Year's kiss with a stranger. ANd not a romantic one, I look forward to connecting with someone well enough, that we can share that quick intimate moment. Ring in the new year anyhow because this day comes but once a year!!!! Just imagine the next one :)

Trapped in Paradise?!!

No better way or place to be snowed in for the holiday than in Portland with good friends. I began this journey with the aimless desire to explore the Pacific Northwest... and have learned that aimless wandering often leads to beautiful discoveries. I am not sad to be missing Christmas with my immediate family. I am eager to experience a new Christmas with folks that have always been a bit bohemian in lifestyle and choices. This is the creative flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants that I have yearned for, and only sometimes do I question my validity in this community. My hippieness that I have cultivated for so many years, is tested. Am I able to bring together that community I seek? I am searching for the truth and the proof that I am viable and important enough to reside in the nest of good people. I have always claimed a seperateness from my family, and now that I am physically apart from the family I force myself to be different from, I want them to know how grateful I am to have them and be a part of them. This is a White Christmas like I have never known, and it is frigid, only because I create this reality. I have been needing to open up my heart, forgetting my insecurities, and blossom wherever I lay my head. I am hoping for a splendidly warm, enchantingly quiet, Christmas. I will miss my parent's cooking though. And as soon as I can leave Portland I will. Seattle is an amazing city, and San Francisco, too small, Portland, a wee bit too quiet. I have retreated, and am now eager for that connection. I should call my old love... GG.

robinhood theory.

Thinking about GG right now. Wanting to call him and give the "do you still love me or not" ultimatum . Pathetic yeah?? Well, Am I hungry or ginger in feeling?

Sorry about for ditching you last night. I feel kind of guilty that I chose a Party over hanging out with you. But I wanted to go to Bohemian Carnival and expected to enjoy it, the whole experience ended up being underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time... if you know what I mean. That was a selfish thing to do.

regress, that was the word.

I'm out of ideas, so I will wait until something tells me what to do.
[pulls me elsewhere].

I am definitely just running away from something.

These are my 25cents.

and this is my robinhood theory.

Manifest-oh!

Tons of folks looking to move to SF, and I am feeling torn between doing just that, staying here, and travelling on. I need a bit more work to make it feasible to move. I still don't have enough for a month's rent, deposit and some extra cash to sit comfortable. I may have to wait until January. Living with Serra sounds amazing though, I wish I could bust my butt and get a move on. Where is my money going? Where will it end up? How can it happen faster. I have a dream of my life and I float through it like a spirit. Just another month or so of work. It would be nice to be there for the holidays though. I am here to work and then continue on, wherever that may be. I think I will enjoy going to SF for Thanksgiving... maybe my creative streak will come back. I really would love to live with Serra! Let me manifest a place to live in SF in January with Serra!

WHat oh shit! What did I just write? Live in SF? I haven't thought about that seriously. We'll see at Thanksgiving time...

much love! I'll be a better writer later!

man= tower

The night the man burned was like the tower card being pulled.
or rather,
the meaning of the tower card, old ways/understandings/truths being broken down allowing for newness. was epitomed the night the man burned.
the man burning was my visual of the tower falling down... and I didn't even really pay attention. but in retrospect, I see.

rambling stream amongst boulders of boundaries... making peace where I flow.

Life has changed that is for sure. No comfort of security. Well atleast not the usual creature comforts that a "normal" citizen might expect, like their own home. A steady job. A significant other. I am flying by the seat of my pants and I love it. But truthfully I am sitting idly in the mountains until another friend has a home that can take me in. What am I really doing? Truth. Lies.

It just got really loud in this coffee shop and I am disturbed. I need the peace and quiet that is usually reserved for the wilderness.

I had alot of thoughts running through my head and then a tweaker sucked them from me by just being in same area.
----

My journey is going as planned as long as I maintain the belief that what I have chosen is the route that is in tune with the universe. Speaking of universes... I need to call Suze. I want to stay here awhile until I make enough money to have some for a deposit on a place. I can write like I want to. My mind is everywhere, backtracking and thinking too far ahead. That I am finding it hard to just sit and be present enough to get these emotions and realities on the page. I have got to start writing more, by hand or not. Poetry has not been spoken by me recently enough. But I am still a poet. This is the time that I am observing, not yet understanding what I have been shown, but in time I will be able to express all that has transpired in this lovely moment of time I call "my life".

just a hot-air-balloon-ride away, from love...

I was not planning on breaking up with GG and that threw me for a spin, post BM. But I feel like we can figure it out while I am away. I can always come back, and/or move forward, which is why I am discovering new places. I love to be everywhere I am. Emotionally and physically. Oops though, I think I outed BonBon's truth. Let's discover all the pink heart shaped balloons that float into our view, and grab hold for a ride!!!

"Buy the ticket, take the ride" -Hunter S. Thompson

idle upheaval... a conundrum!

I am sad today. Again. I am sad to be leaving all that I have loved and grown together with. The city, my friend, my boyfriend. I am taking off for another trip of my lifetime and I am still wanting to feel anchored. I am not ready to be set free. I need to sit with my freedom, and that leads to too much thought and wondering. What is right?????

I know my path is different. I know it is not what most do. Those facts I am okay with. GG said that his relationships always "end". And mine do to, because in the past I have abandoned those people and situations that force me to see my own mistakes. I have never felt the desire to fight for my love with anyone else, as much as I want to fight for my love and relationship with GG, although I know he is maybe not in a place to fight for my love. He might want to, though I have no concrete knowledge that that is true. I loved him! I liked him! I was joyous with him. Until one nanosecond of our relationship was difficult, and we both pulled away. (Well, I really did put forth an effort to talk about it, and he wasn't in a space to do this) I want what I can't have. I'd feel foolish if I demanded it again. He might just be missing me in his life, and that is why now he is reaching out. I don't think I can do that. I am deeply in love with him. I am deeply affected everytime we hang out, in good ways and bad. I want to lay down with him, and just sleep. I want to fall into his breath. I also know that if I do this, it will make my leaving harder on me. I will feel that anchored weight and inability to move forward wherever I find myself. I am anxious and eager to chill in the woods with my old friends. Maybe a little curious how it will be for all of us up there. I have spent little time with them in recent years, but know that our friendship is deeply rooted in compassion. Amidst all obstacles, we will always be there for eachother, and if I could decide if I wanted to be with or without GG, I could help myself, others, and they in turn could help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is always light. I KNOW that! But I am suddenly in confusion- I want GG to open up to me, I want to open up again to him, but I am leaving. Which might be a good thing. Now is not the time to refresh these feelings. I am thankful that he apologised for his lack of selflessness at BM. Am I here again? Expecting? Placing too much pressure on our interactions? No. I just need some comfort and I want to ask him for it. I feel unstable right now-- the underlying factor is my upheaval from my home. I decided to move out, sometimes rashly I think, but that was the decision I made, and I have done the bulk of it, so there is no option, but to go with it. Cause--Effect. Action--Reaction. Point--Direction.

The dear old doggbone, I love you! I have had so many great times within your walls. I have laughed and cried, and smiled again, under your roof. And found a safe and warm cocoon from the city, inside your belly. I have learned compassion and creative clowning, the art of spliff rolling and necessity of dance parties, the importance of being earnest in all capacities of life. I've found comfort in my sensuality, explored my sexuality, and dealt with many men, realtionships and breakups, and also found my true communion with the universe. For all of this and the skill you have at withstanding the great winds of change both inside the flat and outside the building, I thank you for giving me a wonderful home to revel in. You are a great container of my universe!! Doggbone Love!

So after all this, I remember that change is the only sure thing, and I cannot control that. I have a few things still to take care of that are within my realm, and then I will see more clearly. I just want to be settled. And I will be. Settled on the road of life. Take THAT feeling of chaos!!!

what it was and always will be!

Burning Man was wild and a true test of my abilities... in the high desert for a month and a half, working really hard - up with the sunrise, hard labor all day, lots of laughter among great friends, amazing art and lots of dust! I surprised myself with my own capabilities of providing and survival... I learned a lot about people, communicating and myself. I have come back stronger, inspired, and changed of course. Definitely a stepping stone onto more great things...

awake now...

Another day has passed too quickly and the new one does not arrive fast enough. I tossed and turned lastnight in a confusion of consciousness. Awaiting today (I am moving out) and fretting about yesterday's waste of time. I decided to go out and grab a mimosa with friends, but they're carry too much drama in their hearts right now, and with all of us together kind of a sinkhole or a quicksandish mudhole of energy is cycled. I am looking for upliftment. I have enough self-sorrow right now. Well, not that much right at this moment :) But then I came home to get back to my task at hand, and was distracted by my roomates and talk over wine. *pinch* I am moving I realize today, heavy furniture, but I already feel lighter. Clearer. Like it has already happened. I must have dreamt about it last night. I am eager for the next moment in my time.

SOS.

I woke up today feeling shitty, sad, and scared. I have sudden doubts about my immediate path. I don't want to move and I feel as though I am running from good things, though a few bad as well. I don't want to be in the city, I don't want to be here.... I am not ready to end up anywhere. And I will say it again, I am not ready to end up anywhere. Although I have said that before. I am scared about moving, and physically getting everything out of my house in time. I am nervous about the change, I don't want to arrive up north in an emotional depression. I want to feel happiness and love within my heart. And share that outward. I know the nature will be good for my soul. But I cannot just put off the inevitable, which is-- what will I do after? Where will I end up? How much can I make? Who still is with me? Learning to love yourself in every way at every instant is the lesson in life we must continually struggle with. I don't want to call everybody with bad news or feelings, but if that is what I am feeling, it should be addressed. And I don't need answers, but I just need an ear. I am scared. I am sad, about GG, I am wishing for the strength of my character, to move past this and find the love I seek in my own heart, so that wherever I go is home. But I don't understand what I like to do, and how I will survive without my knowledge of that and without goals to guide me. I am once again in a limbo. Idle waiting for the wind/road to take me where it pleases. Am I prepared to leave the city?????? Show me a sign please.

what I am to you... (written with an ego and a broken heart)

I asked you what I was to you
You said someone beautiful and dear

I asked you what I was to you
And maybe I wasn’t very clear

This is something new for me
I don’t share my heart with men

This is something new for me
To want you more than I’ve been fed

And I don’t know that that is what I need right now
But it is the hopelessness I feel

Like once again I find myself here
Alone and tired in a world very real

I asked you what I was to you
And you said an inspiring spirit, your muse

I asked you what I was to you
And your answer turned this poem into the blues

This is something new to me
To be uplifted by a man

This is something new to me
And I didn’t say it as clear as I can

It is crystal what it is right now
Just a means to an end

And I sit one more time in limbo
Holding my heart out to mend
----

I wrote this in May 2005 about Jason, but it reminds me of today.

burning man musings... Aug 2008

walking to the moon on slip shiny shoes
breaking up ground that sings a silent sound
swimming through ponds of beauty and zealousness
I am beginning to feel jealousness.
(re:silly)
----

hearing things out of place
the wind hums past my waist
and I am lost
seeking light
but feeling so so so dark.

----

there was a time when bees flied longer than it takes for arms to circle around
and moons glowed like cantalope and fuschia beacons of light stood like giraffes
there have been moments like this before
only entirely different than this.

and finally there was no sound only vibration.
----

dirt beneath our feet
we walk in packs
social
we build shelters
useful
we trade coins
and feather up the nest.
----

I'll tell you what...

Open the window and let in the light that seeks to warm your soul
Close the doors that let in the draft
expose your heart so it sunbathes in the glow of angels
and imagine all truths, even truth in lies

Redefine your power out loud and patiently enjoy the divine energies that surround your life
wait for the phone call
the door bell
the next step

and recieve it
however uncomfortable it might feel at first
nestle into the desire
revel in the flames of fire
dare to go higher
lighter
farther
martyr

don't wait for the hand to feed you
feel your hand instead dig to the roots
wear boots
and work for it
you're made for it
you've trained for it
time you own up to it

forgive the angry paths that have left you feeling battered
tattered
un inspired
and float where the winds sail you
sail away with them
they will take you to higher ground
there you will discover all the sound
you hoped you found
in past tenses
in dusty tents-es
new deserts are made
old woods are saved
and faith is in every ounce of love
ingrained
more made
save
for
GG

breathe in
let go
travel far
seed and sow
reap the beauty from all interactions
don't weep from dissatisfaction
protect the minor infractions
that you may have made
fight for the love that you require
and discover all the underside love letters
hidden in so many souls.

this is nonsensical...