epitome of random ramblings...

Long driving roads
ahead

Song on repeat in my
head

Laying lonely on Sloane's
bed

I have no more
dreads.

--

20th century lead by Bukowski and this nonsense comes forth.

I dreamed a dream where rainbows were black and clouds were rainbow...
and Sloane was in the garage fixing a bicycle.
Ho hum.
Flower drum song.

la luna in prose...

The way the pregnant moon hung like a babe swaddled in luminescence reminded me of future truths unspoken.
Visions of lies were alive that night and my soul could not face them. I prayed honesty would prevail and falsehoods would vanish like breath in thin air as I looked into the mirror at what had always been right in front of me.

I am suspicious.
And insecure.
And too blase too be upset with the other for making me feel so helpless.
I need to be more responsible.
And I haven't given my life everything I've got.
Nor my love.
MY love.
My very own self-awarded rightly due love.

I am here tonight curled up in my bed and somewhat retardedly believing a man can change all that in me. And sheepishly understanding that it is only up to me.

We dream to believe everything we are not taught. That windows can sometimes have doors in them, and unicorns often wear boots.

What have I come to learn in this passing of a year's "time"?

What question am I still asking?


What am I willing to hear?


I don't know yet. But I do know that I certainly don't need or want to apologize for asking questions, whether they be philosophical ones or emotional ones regarding my relationship with WS. I am a woman who chooses to ask questions regardless of how "silly" they might sound to the non-thinker. I am curious... and caring... in that curiosity- and it should be perfectly perfect in the long run. I am not just seeking an instant response nor do I want to create messiness. I don't know how I will react when I hear the answer, but witholding thoughts like this is allowing the fear of the outcome to hold me back. There is no harm in loving somebody because you want to love. and want to love them. There is the chance they won't reciprocate, but that is the chance I am willing to take a leap for!

So dive!
Dive into Medusa's exotica, where thoughts twirl and wheels whirl every second of every day of every lifetime @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@<3

I just wanted to see the ocean...

so I leaped from my dreams of cotton tufts and rainbows and rode the yellow crystal sun wearing my silver unicorn boots.

****

Asleep in reality but wide awake in my dreams, I began searching for the life force that flows throughout every living thing, but few have knowledge of. If I let you in on my sleepy secret, it must remain just that, a sleepy secret only shared with those who seek. And those who seek should only hear when they've given up everything in what they feel is a vain cause, and find themselves where they began.

The life force that creates new forms without even having hands, is... love.
So, here my journey continues.

My auburn ropes were draped across velvet pillows in a loose sprawl of chaos. My body still, but for my breath, and my mind secretly racing the universe, as if riding a unicorn across galaxies. In this envisioned position did I leap from my princess-like pad and out the window into the salty air of Salfruestra. Scents of sauceyness wafting up from the local pubs and filling my dream-sails made of lace and other silky-things. To the west I floated, for that was the way to all dreamers expanses.

smoking puppies... what a terrible thought.

Puppy pee woke me up this morning. She seems to be acting out of her normal character, which is natural I suppose- we are all adjusting in our own ways to this city life. Where all I feel like doing is sleeping, all she wants to do is explore. She is so used to playing with other dogs and running free, and now I must make the effort to socialize her and allow her the opportunity to exercise as much as she is used to (or damn near close).

*****

"Had someone told me about 'dog love' I never would have bothered with all the other kinds"

*****

Puppy love is the newest kind of love for me.
It's endless love from sea to kind of sea for me.
The puppy smiles,
the puppy cries,
and sometimes has to wait for me.
I love this puppy and everything she do, does she have the same love for me
If she could speak, she'd say 'yippee, this is awesome,
My momma loves me for me.'

*****

My hands are chilled down to the bone
Something like a smoking gun they raise the flag of American Spirit
To two lips that one says are very good kissers
Some days I fear that this motion will cause my dove to fly away
My dove says he prefers jamie on my lips, but that's another story
My breath expands like a hot air balloon
and lungs are filled with noxious, toxic, fumes
For some reason I believe it is heaven
If anyone heard me say that, half might agree
the other half would fly the coop
My swirling warm crimson life slows and dwindles to a trickle
I'm sure on one of those new fangled electro gizmos, it'd show up blue
I'm dying, they say, one breath at a time
I'm dead already, I reply,
My hands are like ice
Oh cherry don't go out
your the only fire in my life
I've got to stay warm
So I casually ask
Excuse me sir, have you a light
And it works like a charm.

Just try to crack this love...

Back again and happy to be home!!! The doggbone envelopes me with its warm sturdiness I have been eager to sense. Love and many brunches assure me that I have made the right choice and it will be as fantastic as ever. Poetry invigorates my soul once again, so I will have another crack at it....



Searching out the cracks in the sidewalk help to heal my heart.
Where I once put a distant resistance, I now seek, inavoidably
Sealing seams of love cement with the stumble of my rambling toes.
{Like the needle to an eye, or a thread to this theory}
I zip and unzip, furl and unfurl, stitch and unstitch
the ravels that have come before and contained me in a size too small.
My love is the creator of the Infinity Church.
And in this infinite church I create my love
complete with cement, cracks, steps, and closeness...
like never before-
we live and learn and love like this.
Take a crack at that!!!

verbal diarrhea not suitable in an email to a lover...

It begins with my comparing the arrangement we have with his and Karin's. I see it as unfair, that she didn't invest anything into it at the beginning, and has put time into it 'here and there' throughout, and finally, comes up only when there is a finished product and will be compensated the same as me. When I discussed everything with Ryan in the beginning, my compensation would have been different had I done it her way. And there are a few things that we discussed would be provided and were difficult to obtain and/or not provided. Lastly, he said he'll take care of everyone else's and then ours. I feel that I have put a lot of effort out during all of this and he is forgetting that what is mine is his too. It doesn't really matter because I wasn't relying on him for this part of it, but it still felt like a snub. So all these things that I haven't vocalized are adding up and then sharing this small space with so many people is what is driving me crazy. (or this is what I am telling myself today)

I said it's 4:30!

What is is about timing and departures that I have major trouble with?

Maybe it is the fear of missing out of the next happening in the place I am leaving. Or maybe it is the inevitable end and beginning moments, that define new chapters in life, that I have, by example, learned to resist. Whatever the reason- I make a choice and then something comes up and distracts me from my plan. This occurred today when I was getting ready to leave sf for the mountains. I got all ready and then phoned a friend who said he was heading down this way and we should meet in Santa Rosa for a live show. I thought very little and then responded 'okay'. In hindsight, I forgot about this puppy phenomenon, I now have saddled to my hip, and must make accomodations for. No more living at the breath of the wind. No more gypsyesque behavior until this puppy goes potty properly.

more later...

ce la vie here or there or everywhere!

I am having a flashback to post-burning man days and not just because it's that time of year. but I am in sf and it's feeling (and even smelling) like september. and i am at desi's house, where i stayed for a few days post the mayhem. and then i see GG. and how aproupo that i see GG leaving the city all packed up and heading to gerlach. same time last year we were doing it together. I don't even live here and that's the visual i see having not even seen him for nearly a year. how amazingly appropriate. i love the universe and it's ridiculous alignments. closure of sorts. i sent him off into the wild desert with a simple hand thrown up and a 'have fun!' that's all i can do or say, and that is what i truly hope for him. I cannot contain my laughter though at the synchronicity of our souls. and the narrowly missing each other every time. ce la vie!!! ce la vie!!!!!!!

my sweet puppy

is black as the night
my sweet puppy is sly like a ninja
my sweet puppy's name was perfectly chosen by the universe
my sweet puppy has an appetite for squirreling, fetching, and nipping
she's just a puppy though

and my sweet puppy just wants to love you
my sweet puppy prefers to poop on white carpets
my sweet puppy showed up on my doorstep like a gift
my sweet puppy is the cutest when she's sleeping
she's just a puppy though

wait until she's full grown :)

just being around you...

underneath you
near you
or beside you
brings comfort and wonderment to my every breath

just seeing things with you
through you
all over you
made by you
invokes inspiration and amusement at my every turn
-----

I care deeply for this beautiful earthy humble man. I have no real sense of what we are past tomorrow. but this is good. and presently all that is possible. I will keep the excitement at a level I can enjoy and keep him still pleasantly surprised with delightful dalliances in delerium. love and more love.

loving is giving...

I am trying to understand the impermanence of time. Or the substance of time. Einstein is my teacher.

So is educator Leo Buscaglia, but for different reasons. He is an educator who speaks about living with awe as a loving individual and humanity's need for intimacy and sharing life wisdom with everyone, because that is how we grow too, that is the continuance of our learning. And do this NOW! Be present! Marvel at the universe's magic!


And regarding love, Saint-Exupery is another teacher... "Perhaps love is my leading you gently back to yourself."

How's that for some wisdom!!!!

I think I have created a chaos in my mind all my own...

Egads! It's been a long long while. I have missed the ease of writing then posting, writing then posting, writing then posting, repeat.

Big changes. Big loves. Big llamas. I have moved to my summer home made of plywood and nylon. It has a beautiful vista I have yet to really take in. The next morning I plan to wake early and pay my devoirs to the slow surrender of sunrise. And to boot- I am buying a llama to keep on this land. Crazy I know. I also have a bit of a wrinkle in my love parade. It involves two good men not aware of each other. How have I begotten in this mess? I assume the retraction of my emotions and advances are words enough to explain what I already know. But as usual the one really nice guy I didn't want to hurt, will in fact be the one that I will certainly let down if truth be told. That terrible truth written- I feel even more terrible saying what I will next... I like my Window Sill a lot. And this 'far apartness' that I was totally aware of before we got involved, is fucking annoying. I was feeling major frustration yesterday, because we had just missed each other in town and then cut out on a phone call or two. And since time and place has a coordinator with an evil sense of humor and we just didn't line up enough to see each other, then I would have really liked to talk to him. I guess I need a little more connection than we've been having. And I really want him to extend himself just a bit more to me. Mostly just come to my new summer home, even for two days. I feel slightly 'expected' or 'taken for granted', which is a common theme I noticed with GG too. I know there is a lesson in this though. With GG he was just too darn available, and we spent every moment together, however, when I could have had another person like that with 'of the dawn' it didn't suit me and now with Window Sill, we have less free time to spend frolicking (for lack of a better word) and I crave his company so much more. I really enjoy spending our nights together and doing daily activities with my partner. I'm over this separation thing. When we are together we do all those things a couple in a relationship would do, only we have days between them where there is very little contact. The time we are apart creates anxiety and frustration within me so much so that those moments we have together are clouded with my anger and insecurities, instead of creating a stronger desire and appreciation for the time we do get to spend together. What is this poor girl to do? If I want to give, give, but don't expect the exact same kind of giving in return. I need to stop second guessing my actions/emotions and stop assuming I know what he is thinking. I should just ask him if HE ever gets frustrated by this too. And ask what he hopes for between us. Simple as that.

good times forever...

Dan Brown days... now those were special times!

---

I am happily living in the mountains and the mauntains are living in me. There is no other place right now that speaks to my soul the way nature does. I am learning more about life then I have ever thought possible. Here. Now. Loving. And living. Expressing. And enjoying. Letting winds guide my hot air balloon and pink heart shaped balloon.

waiting

]4/14/06


As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I [cannot help but] conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

truth travel passion

12/6/05

Wandering traveler

Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight

Weary traveler
…




But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…

The truth is I don’t know my passion.

Passionate.
To feel passion.


There has to be something that one is passionate about.

I am passionless.
But only for awhile.
…

I was raised in the now

8/31/05

I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters/fashionistas
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground

I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up

I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future

The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb

Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright

--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light

I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America

I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight

I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:

No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.

I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.

I never felt

3/29/06

I never felt like opening up…

You know I tried
To unfold my life

I struggled through my days
My nights
I’d cry and fight
I’d barely breathe

I was pushing boulders
Too large to move
Not sure it was even rock

I was choking back tears
Too deep to let flow/drop
Back down to earth

But then I slowed my pace
And grew patience like a seed
I began accepting the passing days
With sun rays
And revel the ones with rain

And now I am open
To what is next
To being opened
To being broken

I once said more than words will do
But I’ve discovered “more than words”
Will find their way to crush

I worry where I’d be
Without speaking my peace/piece of mind
And so I do in face of fear itself
To that I am blind

I’ve seen the love
The hate
Displayed across the faces
Of my watch

I had convinced myself
It would never be mine to touch
Waiting for my creases to be smoothed
Before I allowed the rush

My head was aching
My heart was breaking
The earth was shaking
Right under my feet

And here you are
And I am here
Just listen for the ticking of my watch
Telling us the right time is life

I’ve never seen the kind of things that I do with you
I don’t mean the things we see
I mean the things we do

I love your complexity
The hex of your wine
[Drives me to ecstasy]
You are the dream of my exorcism
My vision
Of truth
Separate my lips from closure
Kiss me with your mind

So I’ll open up.

My hand is open
My heart is open
My mind is open

Let us swing our arms round and round
And give silence no more place or time.

I am and always will be

9/05/05

I am and always will be that hunger.
That hunger for a thunderstorm that will rock the boat and crumble walls, like the fall of Rome.
We’ve had enough lies Caesar/Bush/Jesus
Just tell me where and when
We’ll be there to contend our rights, our fights, our insights.
Your selfless ego can help where we go.

Gotta Love It

8/31/05

These systematic notches on my waistline
Are created by every baker of couture fashion
Whose sizes will only fit me if I don’t eat that
key lime pie.

---
But why
die just to be thin
Try and squeeze in
To “fit in”
Only to quit every quick and fading fast fad diet.

Why ignore the comfort
the connection
the confection
so the size fits just right, is

really the only question when I ask myself
why are these pants so snug
why don’t I have a man to lean in and hug
If only I’d enjoy myself and indulge in
My life
My body
My spirit
My soul
And realize the right size is just this
I am me
And these are my hips
My thighs
And my voluptuous ass
Love it!

No matter the number of bakers baking the precise
Small dress size is nice
“Oh, dessert?”
I’ll have to think twice
…and pass.

Because these systematic notches on my waistline
Are so untrue for me
so unnatural
I have to work twice as hard to NOT get it
Because I love it.
I love that creamy tarty key lime pie
Especially when I’m told I shouldn’t.
Especially when I believe, “Oh I couldn’t”
That very delectable key lime pie is nothing but sweet to me.

Believe me I’ve tried it.
Every yoyo, jelly craig, no thanks I’ll watch my own weight diet.
And here I am
Same rosy cheeked, big boned, childbearing, curvy booty chick
It’s the same shit

(They make me and I make them)

Gotta love it!

A group of interacting, interrelated, or interdependent elements forming a complex whole-system

good versus bad

When things are good, I have less to say. When things are bad, I could write a book. Why is it so much harder to express positive thoughts and praises than slander?
---
4/4/06

At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up.
[Each day the side of the bed I rise from changes.]
and wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.