recouperating

I don't feel like I did last night. I am thinking retrospectively, and I am happy for K. and I am not jealous. And I think I acted pretty normal.
I swear this is IT on this topic. For awhile.

and even more

If I really wanted to dig some shit up- I could bring up J. practically choosing N. over me in highschool. My first everything and he ditched me. Proof at the beginning, that I was doomed forever... da da dadaa

More dramatics... since that last one was definately dramatic

I can't believe I just wrote all that [about K.]. I am so dramatic. And even still, I can't tell if I acted normal whe he saw me/while I was there, or if he could feel my energy and I wasn't acting normal. Whatever. Dramatic.

Jan 20th 2006...

It makes me happy to see K.
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...

So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.

I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)

Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...


**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)

New Years Resolution!

Sometimes I feel like my life is less exciting than others. Like a few people I know have opportunities to go abroad, and I can't help but have pangs of jealousy, that I should be travelling too. And instead I am "stuck at home and working in the same area" -Nothing new has happened. Here is when I forget that I have just come from the deeply moving experience of living in New York.

I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.

..................

So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).

love, truesatori

still more...

a few weeks ago-

I find trusting people, near impossible. If I could find a miracle remedy to the loss of trust I feel, I would take it. I hate not telling people anything. Keeping the truth to myself. Not allowing friends to know who I am and what I feel. I think lunch with D tomorrow will be long awaited and healthy for us. Building back that trust we had will take a little more time. But I am hopeful and anxious for the meeting to take place. I cannot hide from people in my life.

---I think people like me because I am so mysterious. I am not saying that because I think it is right I am so mysterious. I do it unintentionally. I am such a shy person I rarely give anything away. I rarely have something to say so I smile and make eye contact and that is what makes people think we have a connection. Too far fetched??? I don’t think I am too good for anyone, I just don’t know how to be with someone.


.................................................
today-

I am tired of people going too far with me… before anything is established. I am wholeheartedly not trying to seem conceited, but the guys that approach…scratch that…the guys that seem to misinterpret my friendliness, take it too far by hitting on me/trying to makeout with me, when all I want is the friendship. C, R, S, R… they cross the line by either spilling their feelings onto me or by touching me too frequently and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact I have to turn down every guy. But how can I convey that I am purely not LOOKING to have a relationship with anyone/I don’t want THAT or to have anything going on with them… the right thing will appear before me and I’ll know. (And by relationship I mean physical/sexual, not necessarily a RELATIONSHIP, but everyone thinks that that is what I am expecting their advances to mean.) They think I am weirding out about it, why I can’t just have fun… WELL IT IS BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, I WISH THERE WERE NO ADVANCES BY THOSE GUYS PERIOD/EVER/AGAIN.

poem in threes

Wandering traveler

Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight

Weary traveler
…




But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…

The truth is I don’t know my passion.

Passionate.
To feel passion.


There has to be something that one is passionate about.

I am passionless.
But only for awhile.

Now...

8/31/05

I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground

I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up

I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future

The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb

Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright

--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light

I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America

I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight

I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:

No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.

I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.

an old poem #1

First Time

I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook

If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.

I have so much more to say about Josh...

but right now the thoughts are confusing. Give me some time.

it's halloween

Does anyone else go through stages with their friends where they are super tight for awhile, and then just filter into rarely seeing them anymore?

For some subconscious reason I am growing farther apart from my best friends. When I first moved back I was more than excited to be with my girls again, the core I was so comfortable with. And then I began to imagine that living in the City had changed me or I had grown into a different way of life. I found myself finding that we had less in common than before. And I don't mean to say I changed in a superior way, just in a different sort of way. (I am trying to convey a very discombobulated and intangible experience, so bear with me.) Basically I feel like I don't fit in to their "circle" anymore. Because I missed alot of things they experienced, they kept up with the SF club scene, with friends out here, etc. And although I experienced alot without them as well, I feel like I am lacking any understanding of their lives. I don't like to do the things we used to do together and when I do do those things I am bored and not really "all there". I still love them dearly and wish I didn't impose this barrier between us but I can't help it. I know things will go back to normal soon enough, bt until then I will spend Halloween without them. End rant.


***I saw my ex boyfriend from two maybe three years ago... and that opened a can of beans in my heart.This guy was as important as K. He scarred me, so I scarred myself as a result and imposed this barrier between men and me. I saw him last night, but was too scared to say a thing to him. I don't know if/when he saw me, there was any recognition. But all I know is I wish I had the cajones to say something... ANYTHING. I acted like a wimp. For that I am a bit angry at myself for. Even still, I needed to break this barrier, and I believe just the sight of him lastnight, was triumph enough over alot of pain and guilt. So goodbye J. You were a beautiful time in my life, but you were not what made me beautiful. And I have to see the sun set on my attachment to you. I am waiting patiently for my love to come... and it will be here soon. I have faith.

blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, my past few posts have been so bor-ing! I am preparing for a really good one...

All things Brazilian...

How do you know who you should date or who you shouldn't? And how do you decide to spend time with one or the other. We probably are capable of hanging out with any one person we meet, and making the relationship work. So who is your "soul mate"? And out of all the many, which one do you follow up on. I know, I know, I am making it sound technical.

I don't know if you speak what you think I'd want to hear, but I speak from the heart, and react in a way that is totally me, to the core. But I am always afraid the guy is putting on an act and smiling, complimenting me, talking about the stars, random stuff, whatever, to use and abuse me. I am probably just being too sensitive. N. said "Don't be scared, I can tell." an something along the lines of 'if you'd only loosen up' or 'relax, I don't bite'. But he didn't use a cheesy line like 'bite'.
The K. he sees encourages that true statement, I am super selfconscious. And not about my weight as much as I complain about that, but selfconscious of my sexuality/sensuality, of guys seeing me, the way I dance, what I wear, and I am terrified of them responding and coming on to me. I am so weird, I am hopefully the only girl who thinks of themselves vs. men like that. Actually I know I am not the only female that believes men other than our fathers, to be untruthful, manipulative, and

Maybe the difference between N. and E. is that N. was dancing with me and touching my waist and ogling me, E. was definately looking at me, checking me out and dancing with me, but did not invade my space by touching me, except when mutual.

J. has the common sense I need. He makes friendly fun of me for drinking during the weekdays, and smoking all the pot I do. Onetime he said it, I responded by saying "your not my boyfriend, you can't say that". But I could see that he has a gentle, genuine caring for my/any females wellbeing, And that his guidance might straighten me out.
Even though he may seem a player, he does have high values and respect for females. Maybe it's the Brazilian in him. I don't know.

E. is just so cute with the best green eyes ever. His dad is Italian, his mom Brazilian. Double SEXY!!! And we talked about things other than normal small talk. Stars, constellations, other beliefs, family. Was it all for show? And then is it fucked up to be attracted/date him since he kissed JeNeel. That was totally a drunken kiss at a bar nonetheless. And nothing ever came of it. But he is so cute and seemed really sweet. I wonder if he said anything to J. about me, (I am totally getting caught up in the Brazilian drama/web/romance) And if he did did they all say stuff/share stories, do they know J. crushes on me... is my head big enough yet???? By share stories I meant just talk about what I said to each of them, how I danced with one and felt the others eyes on me, do they care to talk about me in that way? Part of the time I was uncomfortable dancing. And this morning I realized in their Brazilian culture that people dance together platonically. The sexual energy is everywhere, but most people dance and don't feel like THEY'VE JUST HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND REAL EMOTIONS WERE INVOLVED. I can't not involve my emotions, even with the most trivial of interactions. I feel like there is always a sexual connection to anyone I meet (usually male), and that gets in the way of making new platonic friends and from having a romantic relationship with the guy.

more random thoughts:

I am fucked up and want to get fucked up all the time... do I have a problem and can somebody help me????

I am "unfuckwitable".

I write too, you know.

I am not sure what to write, but I really felt like typing.

There was a pretty young girl with yellow ringlets. No, not that Goldilocks, but another with gold locks, Lily. One day she decided to go to school, so that she could learn a whole bunch of new things. Life in the trees, can be very lonely. And Lily liked to draw. She would draw with charcoal. She would draw with ink. She would draw with pencil, clay, and oils. So this young girl went to school. Where she had to do things like read english books and use a super-computing calculator. But it ended up not being as fun as life in the trees, where you can do what you want, when you want. So she made another choice and left. This time leaving with no certainty of returning. And she didn't for a while. But one day after another long while of swinging from tree to tree, Lily chose to settle somewhere that was just like home. This is where she finally had the time to take a book off the shelf. She opened it to the prologue, and began to indulge line by line. The book did not close until many hours later, when young Lily set it down and announced her monumetal decision, to go back to school. The End.




Not much, but a first attempt at a short story in a LOOONG while.

I hate when people stick their nose in your business...

What?!? My best friend moved here without telling anyone(not even I), and she didn't call me, it's been two weeks, and now my friends say I'm in the wrong and should call her... bullshit. She made the move, all secret and everything, if she was interested in talking to me she'd do the work. I played the "bigger person" and called her today. We'll see if she calls back. After that... IT AIN'T MY FAULT!!! And it ain't my responsibility, and it ain't nobody's business why we aren't talking. I am tired of people asking why we haven't spoken, and then they have the nerve to comment "you guys are so funny" YOU, R., DON'T KNOW A LICK ABOUT MY LIFE, AND UNTIL YOU DO-which you never will- SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I've been stuck in a time warp...

This is from an old journal entry, but I thought they were poignant words, worthy of a repeat...

---

There are things I should have gotten over, but I was stuck in a time warp where all I could comprehend, were things of the past. Those moments became my present. And now I am stuck in the future without all the release and lessons I should have learned.

I imagine how the city sucked me in and held me there awhile. Suspended inbetween two planes of existance, reality and pseudoreality.

Of course I enjoyed my time in the city. But it was missing that huge "it factor".
And I still don't know what "it" was, what I needed, why I isolated myself the way I did.

The city hoovered me up in it's whirlwind existance. It blew me around just enough to disorient me, and then spewed me out- a little bruised, a little dusty, and still totally confused.

Life is there to confuse us and we just like to complicate it further.

---

Cheers to LIVING!

another attempt at public poetry...gotta love it.

These systematic notches on my waistline
Are created by every baker of couture fashion
Whose sizes will only fit me if I don’t eat that
key lime pie.

---
But why
Why die just to be thin
Try and squeeze in
to "fit in"
Only to quit every quick and fading fast fad diet.

Why ignore the comfort
the connection
the confection
so the size fits just right, is

really the only question when I ask myself
why are these pants so snug
why don’t I have a man to lean in and hug
If only I’d enjoy myself and indulge in
My life
My body
My spirit
My soul
And realize the right size is just this
I am me
And these are my hips
My thighs
And my voluptuous ass
Love it!

No matter the number of bakers baking the precise
Small dress size is nice
“Oh, dessert?”
I’ll have to think twice
…and pass.

Because these systematic notches in my waistline
Are so untrue for me
so unnatural
I have to work twice as hard to NOT get it
Because I love it.
I love that creamy tarty key lime pie
Especially when I’m told I shouldn’t.
Especially when I believe, “Oh I couldn’t”
That very delectable key lime pie is nothing but sweet to me.

Believe me I’ve tried it.
Every yoyo, jelly craig, no thanks I’ll watch my own weight diet.
And here I am
Same rosy cheeked, big boned, childbearing, curvy booty chick
It’s the same shit

Gotta love it!

What? Is everyone too busy to post?

*************

None of my friends have blogged anything recently. And it's driving me berserk. I need to hear a little voice from the otherside. I guess I am just really waiting for two people to write something for me to read. I have two friends that truly are at a professional-author level. I may not be, due to my run-ons and overuse of cliches. I am always elated when I see there is a new post. Some are poems, and some are life stories, and some are baseball scores. They are always entertaining and eloquent.

I used to write single thoughts down then press "Return", and change where I was going with a thought frequently- usually mid typing. I think I have come to organize my writing a litlle better than I have in the past. You may not agree.

I still love writing and I still love you. But blog goddamnit!

Woe was me, but I'm better now.

I'm sitting here bored. Last night was a selfmade sad night. I felt overwhelmed, underappreciated, unhappy, and unsure. My emotions got the best of me. But sometimes you just need one night of wallowing in your misery before it's another beautiful sunny day to turn it all around, which it happens to be today.

I should go on a bike ride, I haven't since R'nRiver.

Salud to this sunny day. Adios amigo.

magic dream

I used to have a semi-recurring dream where I could jump into the air and fly. Just a little jump to start then I'd swim breaststroke and get higher and higher.

I could swim/fly over cities. And land on rooftops, jump off and fly again.

Sometimes just to fly for fun.
Sometimes I was being chased and had to escape.

---

I feel like this year I have aged so much.
More in these past months than in years.
I mean in the scheme of things.
In the grand picture.
And not "aged" in a good way.

...the year 2005. It is already August, my year of 23 is already half over. I have six more months to be this glorified/"lucky" age. And all I can think is that I've got to DO something before its over. If there has ever been a time that I have felt my life is in limbo- it is now. I just don't know what I am going to do- go to school, take a trip (*), meet a boy, etc. If I go to school when, where. If I want to travel I have to keep working, There is so much more to life than work. And that is all I am doing. It's about breaks, and time spent wisely with family and friends. Quality relationships and not financial friendships. I am in limbo between DOing something and NOT DOing SOMEthing. I want those quality moments, and am unable to have them while I work, but am unable to have them if I don't work. Visiting up north and friends. That is partly why I moved home, I missed them. I wanted to see more of them, and I still don't spend as much time as i wish I could with those people I love.

But I hope that SOMEthing, is the right thing. I love life. And I love alot of people.

I wish I could dream up the power to freeze time.