you like drama?

Jon is not what I need right now. I am looking for a friendship first and everything else later. I was just getting comfortable with B. and then... roadblock. Then Jon came along, and he was attracted to me, and would say all the things I had hoped B. would say to me, but was unable to hear because of the other woman. But I am not that attracted to Jon. Now it has been almost too long since I have talked to B., to go back to the way we were. Oh how life can suck.

And on the same page... my girls, like my best homegirls, are not speaking to me, in middle school fashion. Over something I shouldn't have said. I realize the importance of secrecy with these girls, they are terrified for much to get out about them, but for the record I didn't rat it out out of spite. I told my best friend something in confidence and she referenced it in conversation to my homegirl, and homegirl misinterpreted what my friend actually knew. See I didn't tell my best friend the whole truth. I know it is dramatically complicated and you feel like you are time traveling to the 7th grade, but two of my best friends won' t join or include me in anything, don't care to call anymore, and make things awkward when I DO see them because of a misunderstanding. And that hurts. From one of them, M., I kind of expect that behavior. But the other friend,J., has always seemed to be the more mature, not so caught up in drama, and she is giving me the same cold shoulder as M. I hope J. is not feeling the same way about me as M. does. But frankly, I have to get to work and I don't give a damn!!!

I say I feel...

ALOT. (almost every entry)
I feel...
I am feeling...
I felt...
I FEEL... nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing...

I feel expendable. And that is one of my problems with men. I am not honest and upfront with my feelings about them. And don't act on many for fear of looking foolish (I definitely have said that before). But I feel like if there is a fight to be had over a boy, it is okay for me to be pushed aside and not the 'chosen' one. I feel expendable. Like it's okay I'll find someone else, you go ahead and take the guy I was beginning to like. I am a slow lover. I don't mean I am prude per se, I will have sex with some. But I need to 'warm up' and become friends with the guy first. BUT I AM NOT EXPENDABLE. There is someone out there that does not think of me as expendable, and he will love me.

side note: Jon, do you feel the reason you hook up with your circle of friends might be because you are comfortable with them. And once you get to know them, they become even more attractive. This is another new perspective for me to look from. I went through a stage where I hooked up with almost all of my guy friends. Right around the time of K. But I decided that I couldn't make out with all of them. So I began hooking up with strangers. But even that didn't work. And now I move in on people so slowly, that apparently I sometimes lose them. ie. B. [Nothing happened between us, so I can't claim any 'dibs' on him. But we'd hang out solo alot and I thought we were just getting to know eachother better before something was going to happen. But I thought recently it was moving forward a little bit.] I want someone to be my friend and discover what a beautiful person I am and THEN seduce me. Ahhh dreams.

Maybe it comes down to one night, B. casually said, 'you could stay here' and I said 'I have to get home, I work tomorrow' or something stupid like that. Maybe he saw that as my turning him down. And it was his final straw. After hanging out for 2-3 months. Well, I know it looks like I did turn him down. But I didn't mean to. I want to, but I want him to ask me to stay in a different way. I don't know what I am saying anymore... nonsense should be my middle name.

But back to the 2-3 months part... I didn't really realize how long I'd been hanging out with him. Okay, I am a wanker for wasting all that time. But he did keep me occupied and helped me get over Bahr. That is it! I met B right after I got dissed by Bahr. No wonder I didn't want to move fast with him, I had just moved fast with someone else. And see where all that ended up? I am a stress case and psychobabbler. But I swear the next guy, I will just go with it, fast or slow. I will go with it. And I won't be afraid of looking foolish.

abide by rules and truths...

...like B has a girlfriend
...and I am always the "other woman"
...and honesty is everything
...and loyalty is everything
...and I have nothing
...but rules and truths
...and pink heart shaped balloons

happy valentines day
k.

I am feeling rejuvenated. And not just today, but during the past few weeks. I have begun to accept each day as truly new. Where it has the ability/the probability of being different from yesterday. And that perspective of life is a precious attribute.
Because it is usually fleeting.

----
Toward the sunlight, and away from the woods, I said.
It will do you no good, to mingle amongst the shadows.
It will only help to aggregate strife and sorrow.

But I enjoy the layers of darkness, she responds.
And the thin rays of silvery light.
I have seen great things happen in the woods.

Well if you must, you must. But beware
The twirling vines that creep up on a soul,
will likely drag you deeper.
----

But I feel good, and I now I just need to get on my bike again. And all will be better. Fresh air, strength, and a clear head. All positively fabulous feelings, instead of the desire to get high or drunk.
Saturday I took my meditation hike with a prominent desire to be alone and regroup. Although there were cars in the parking lot, I was very much alone on my accent. The path was slippery and muddy. But there was not another soul to encounter. This hike was a slow one, because of the conditions of the trail, but I also stopped periodically and pondered thoughts on myself/my condition/greater creations/and the fresh, clear views. I found my rock and climbed atop it. And I sat and breathed. As if a beautiful dance of nature was performed, in the live theatre of the world, I watched three birds soar over the gorge, gliding up and down the streams of wind. And thought to myself, that animal is 'flying'... phenomenal. Anyhow, this had all been experienced in silence, and I finally mustered up the energy to speak and said "And silence is golden". And not more than seconds later I hear voices. They were coming from behind me. I thought the irony was beautiful. Perfect timing to get up and begin my descent. I was extra cautious on the way down, for fear of a sprained ankle or worse. And I swear, I passed at least 8 groups of hikers. Groups, not just individuals. And all were walking uphill. As if I had chosen the right time to begin my meditation hike (early morning- 11 am or so). And if I had hesitated or gone to my first planned destination, or even the second, there could not have been a better time or place to find clarity. So I thanked nature for being. And I am thankful for being. And I hope to just be. New things are unfolding day by day, and let's be honest, we all love the small surprises too!

recouperating

I don't feel like I did last night. I am thinking retrospectively, and I am happy for K. and I am not jealous. And I think I acted pretty normal.
I swear this is IT on this topic. For awhile.

and even more

If I really wanted to dig some shit up- I could bring up J. practically choosing N. over me in highschool. My first everything and he ditched me. Proof at the beginning, that I was doomed forever... da da dadaa

More dramatics... since that last one was definately dramatic

I can't believe I just wrote all that [about K.]. I am so dramatic. And even still, I can't tell if I acted normal whe he saw me/while I was there, or if he could feel my energy and I wasn't acting normal. Whatever. Dramatic.

Jan 20th 2006...

It makes me happy to see K.
It makes me so sad to see K.
---
Tonight I was at the bar for my friends birthday. And my ex was there. I feel so much pressure, (from no one but myself) to look great, be talkative, and sound like I am up to a lot of things. Deep down I know he doesn't care- about the bullshit- and that he cares about me. And that is a mixed [blessing?]. I love him, deep down inside I still lean towards/yearn for his approval. And I can't say why. I tried to bring up a college moment, the time when I got my second MIP. And he said "Honestly, K.- I can't keep track of all your alcohol offenses". I think he meant it in a funny/sarcastic way, but it kind of stung a little that he didn't recall it**. And then I felt insecure about my alcohol offenses (reference my first few blogger entries) and my attention to detail- like it wasn't that important of a memory. I know I am overreacting, I can't expect everyone to be as symbolically sentimental as me, but am I, and the moments surrounding me, so forgettable?? I digress...

So I was happy to see him tonight, albeit no close girl friends of mine to be seen. I go to the bar solo, and while the couple of friends who were celebrating their birthday were there, all was good. Then they left and I was surrounded solely with the usual bar crowd. I wasn't insecure at that point, but I had the slightest buzz and was being my usual social butterfly and... socializing. With almost everyone but K. We had talked for a little while earlier in the evening. But I always feel the slightest bit awkward (just a smidgen) and there were lots of SC hippies, that intimidated me. Not exactly 'intimidated', but just make me second guess just walking over to K. and talking/dancing/whatever. So once again, I'd leave without 'connecting' with him. Okay, now back up just a little, I was dancing and one of K.'s friends came dancing over, and I introduced myself, I think her name was Anne. And she said, "You are K.'s friend from kindergarten, that's awesome" or something like that. And that made me feel really good. Because they know that. They know that I have known this man since we were children and maybe that might garner me some clout. Even though that is a selfish thought, I feel very proud, that he must think of me in some 'alternative' light- that he actually talks to them about me. It makes me feel good... and this is the part that makes me sad. I love him as a person, and care for him greatly. And the fact that we don't talk often AT ALL, always makes me a bit weepy. I believe we spend alot of time talking about the other, but rarely do we interact with eachother.

I can and will continously say- now is not the time for us. But, I can't say I believe there WILL be a time for us, anymore. Because I need to move on and find 'some people', inbetween now and forever. I need to get over him. I thought I WAS over him. ... BUT THIS GUY REALLY HAS A HOLD ON ME, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!!! (and I don't know how to free myself.)

Anyway, long bullshit story short- I love this individual and wish I could hate him, I know our history is over, but the memory is so fresh, so clean. And B. wasn't there tonight. So it made me feel more alone. Seeing K. just makes me feel ALONE.
...but that and B. is a whole 'nother blog...


**I remember because it was a time when I was really upset and you were there. You had your arm around me, and I remember sobbing as we walked down the street.
I have never thought this thought like this ever before, never realized the impact/affect he had on me/I felt when I was with him when I was feeling low. I haven't really identified any specific moment/feeling from that perspective before. He has been there my whole entire life. And that is a very rare thing in my life. My friends have always kind of changed, but it has always been easy to get back in the groove of talking, with K. --This is phenomenal. This breakthrough I am having is really clarifying. The clouds are breaking and I.am.starting.to.get.too.philosophical... (this whole asterisk part was written after I had posted the following post.)

New Years Resolution!

Sometimes I feel like my life is less exciting than others. Like a few people I know have opportunities to go abroad, and I can't help but have pangs of jealousy, that I should be travelling too. And instead I am "stuck at home and working in the same area" -Nothing new has happened. Here is when I forget that I have just come from the deeply moving experience of living in New York.

I was getting too complex- I have lived just as an exciting and adventurous life and I need to recognize and remember that. I may not be traveling right now, but I have gone in the past, and I will go again soon. I have been to different parts of Mexico and Hawaii, the East Coast, and the West Coast. It really isn't about doing it all at once. But bit by bit and country by country. I am getting there. Out into the world. I am overdue for the foreign travel, but it is approaching.

..................

So New Years Eve has come and gone and we are on the first day of 2006. I hope to use this year to rest and relax, so I can work towards UNCOVERING MY PASSION. By rest and relax, I mean to wait everything out and hopefully travel. I may feel tight and unsociable (not available and unhealthy), but it is because I am always expecting something... to happen, to change, to fall for, or be hurt by. Some of my past resolutions have been selfish and superficial, and this year I need to learn about myself, by giving up myself and becoming less self-oriented and self-conscious. By reintroducing myself as a giving person again I will begin to encourage the possibility of greater things to happen. I have not been showing much of myself, of my thoughts, and daily activies recently. I have reclused to a point where my closest friends have no real idea of who I am. And it isn't their fault. I feel when I communicate my feelings the end result is advice I am too proud to hear, a promise to keep a secret which is later broken, and few responses that really make me feel good (about the situation, the person, or myself). So this approaching year, I will STRIVE to free myself a little bit from the reigns I try to keep on my life. I will give up control to the cosmos/god/buddha/allah/ancestors/etc., because if I keep my secrets guarded- it is true that no one can betray me, but no one will know me either. Kind of a f----ed up thought, I know. In order to do this, I need to let go of the past (Alison/Karl) and stop expecting or waiting for the next betrayal. In doing so, I will create a much more pleasant exchange of selves, between my friends, strangers and myself. I am going to relax by RIDING MY BIKE, MEDITATING REGULARLY, CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE, TRAVELLING, AND QUITTING TIEDHOUSE. (okay, I threw in the TiedHouse bit last minute, but it may be applied soon).

love, truesatori

still more...

a few weeks ago-

I find trusting people, near impossible. If I could find a miracle remedy to the loss of trust I feel, I would take it. I hate not telling people anything. Keeping the truth to myself. Not allowing friends to know who I am and what I feel. I think lunch with D tomorrow will be long awaited and healthy for us. Building back that trust we had will take a little more time. But I am hopeful and anxious for the meeting to take place. I cannot hide from people in my life.

---I think people like me because I am so mysterious. I am not saying that because I think it is right I am so mysterious. I do it unintentionally. I am such a shy person I rarely give anything away. I rarely have something to say so I smile and make eye contact and that is what makes people think we have a connection. Too far fetched??? I don’t think I am too good for anyone, I just don’t know how to be with someone.


.................................................
today-

I am tired of people going too far with me… before anything is established. I am wholeheartedly not trying to seem conceited, but the guys that approach…scratch that…the guys that seem to misinterpret my friendliness, take it too far by hitting on me/trying to makeout with me, when all I want is the friendship. C, R, S, R… they cross the line by either spilling their feelings onto me or by touching me too frequently and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the fact I have to turn down every guy. But how can I convey that I am purely not LOOKING to have a relationship with anyone/I don’t want THAT or to have anything going on with them… the right thing will appear before me and I’ll know. (And by relationship I mean physical/sexual, not necessarily a RELATIONSHIP, but everyone thinks that that is what I am expecting their advances to mean.) They think I am weirding out about it, why I can’t just have fun… WELL IT IS BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, I WISH THERE WERE NO ADVANCES BY THOSE GUYS PERIOD/EVER/AGAIN.

poem in threes

Wandering traveler

Wherever you are going you always look two steps ahead
Pacifying your desire to fight or flight

Weary traveler
…




But did you see today
Things happened that hadn’t happened yesterday
Things that changed my mind to TRUST right around
…

The truth is I don’t know my passion.

Passionate.
To feel passion.


There has to be something that one is passionate about.

I am passionless.
But only for awhile.

Now...

8/31/05

I was raised in the now
where the crucial battle against longevity
is being fought by bullshitters
Selling bulimia on their own secret play
ground

I was raised in the now
Where our sons barely grown
Are being airlifted away
to a place where they are blown
Up

I was raised in the now
Where to think about the soon
You have to think about the then and
How
Was
I raised in the now
Where the things I’ve not done in the past
Are coming back to haunt my children of the future

The rays of sun from man woman and seed
The sounds of laughter, joy and greed
These are the songs of my childhood
Of peace
And hope
And free love
While free sex is a given
And free education is not applicable to the average citizen
Well, that’s just free-dumb

Though we vote and we shout
Through blood sweat and strife
So our future of seed will one day bloom bright

--
Bloom larger than life
Bloom clearer than skies
Bloom deeper than roots
Bloom faster than light

I was raised in the now
Where the weeds we spent years to bushwhack
Are carefully re-sown in the very soil
We call America

I was raised in the now
Where there is a second coming of age
and this time it’s our time
To take back the RIGHT
Not give up the fight

I was raised in the now
Where it is unclear who the people’s leader is
A one track minded, Iraqi family funded, overly offended government appendage
That does not respect my rules:

No running on the blacktop
No bullying
No foul language
No cheating
No self-righteous assholes
No motherfucking pricks
No pieces of shits who consciously, are aware of the risks, and still charge forward with too little support
No cheesy joking, sleazy smiling, hairline winning faux president will ever be MY leader.

I was raised in the now
Where I found tomorrow.

an old poem #1

First Time

I often remember my first time as sweet.
You took me to an isolated room
A room that spun in circles until my legs shook

If reading my thoughts aloud is like opening a wide open window to my soul,
Than my aura cannot prevent the string of words
Reeling out from my physical catastrophe.

I have so much more to say about Josh...

but right now the thoughts are confusing. Give me some time.

it's halloween

Does anyone else go through stages with their friends where they are super tight for awhile, and then just filter into rarely seeing them anymore?

For some subconscious reason I am growing farther apart from my best friends. When I first moved back I was more than excited to be with my girls again, the core I was so comfortable with. And then I began to imagine that living in the City had changed me or I had grown into a different way of life. I found myself finding that we had less in common than before. And I don't mean to say I changed in a superior way, just in a different sort of way. (I am trying to convey a very discombobulated and intangible experience, so bear with me.) Basically I feel like I don't fit in to their "circle" anymore. Because I missed alot of things they experienced, they kept up with the SF club scene, with friends out here, etc. And although I experienced alot without them as well, I feel like I am lacking any understanding of their lives. I don't like to do the things we used to do together and when I do do those things I am bored and not really "all there". I still love them dearly and wish I didn't impose this barrier between us but I can't help it. I know things will go back to normal soon enough, bt until then I will spend Halloween without them. End rant.


***I saw my ex boyfriend from two maybe three years ago... and that opened a can of beans in my heart.This guy was as important as K. He scarred me, so I scarred myself as a result and imposed this barrier between men and me. I saw him last night, but was too scared to say a thing to him. I don't know if/when he saw me, there was any recognition. But all I know is I wish I had the cajones to say something... ANYTHING. I acted like a wimp. For that I am a bit angry at myself for. Even still, I needed to break this barrier, and I believe just the sight of him lastnight, was triumph enough over alot of pain and guilt. So goodbye J. You were a beautiful time in my life, but you were not what made me beautiful. And I have to see the sun set on my attachment to you. I am waiting patiently for my love to come... and it will be here soon. I have faith.

blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, my past few posts have been so bor-ing! I am preparing for a really good one...

All things Brazilian...

How do you know who you should date or who you shouldn't? And how do you decide to spend time with one or the other. We probably are capable of hanging out with any one person we meet, and making the relationship work. So who is your "soul mate"? And out of all the many, which one do you follow up on. I know, I know, I am making it sound technical.

I don't know if you speak what you think I'd want to hear, but I speak from the heart, and react in a way that is totally me, to the core. But I am always afraid the guy is putting on an act and smiling, complimenting me, talking about the stars, random stuff, whatever, to use and abuse me. I am probably just being too sensitive. N. said "Don't be scared, I can tell." an something along the lines of 'if you'd only loosen up' or 'relax, I don't bite'. But he didn't use a cheesy line like 'bite'.
The K. he sees encourages that true statement, I am super selfconscious. And not about my weight as much as I complain about that, but selfconscious of my sexuality/sensuality, of guys seeing me, the way I dance, what I wear, and I am terrified of them responding and coming on to me. I am so weird, I am hopefully the only girl who thinks of themselves vs. men like that. Actually I know I am not the only female that believes men other than our fathers, to be untruthful, manipulative, and

Maybe the difference between N. and E. is that N. was dancing with me and touching my waist and ogling me, E. was definately looking at me, checking me out and dancing with me, but did not invade my space by touching me, except when mutual.

J. has the common sense I need. He makes friendly fun of me for drinking during the weekdays, and smoking all the pot I do. Onetime he said it, I responded by saying "your not my boyfriend, you can't say that". But I could see that he has a gentle, genuine caring for my/any females wellbeing, And that his guidance might straighten me out.
Even though he may seem a player, he does have high values and respect for females. Maybe it's the Brazilian in him. I don't know.

E. is just so cute with the best green eyes ever. His dad is Italian, his mom Brazilian. Double SEXY!!! And we talked about things other than normal small talk. Stars, constellations, other beliefs, family. Was it all for show? And then is it fucked up to be attracted/date him since he kissed JeNeel. That was totally a drunken kiss at a bar nonetheless. And nothing ever came of it. But he is so cute and seemed really sweet. I wonder if he said anything to J. about me, (I am totally getting caught up in the Brazilian drama/web/romance) And if he did did they all say stuff/share stories, do they know J. crushes on me... is my head big enough yet???? By share stories I meant just talk about what I said to each of them, how I danced with one and felt the others eyes on me, do they care to talk about me in that way? Part of the time I was uncomfortable dancing. And this morning I realized in their Brazilian culture that people dance together platonically. The sexual energy is everywhere, but most people dance and don't feel like THEY'VE JUST HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND REAL EMOTIONS WERE INVOLVED. I can't not involve my emotions, even with the most trivial of interactions. I feel like there is always a sexual connection to anyone I meet (usually male), and that gets in the way of making new platonic friends and from having a romantic relationship with the guy.

more random thoughts:

I am fucked up and want to get fucked up all the time... do I have a problem and can somebody help me????

I am "unfuckwitable".

I write too, you know.

I am not sure what to write, but I really felt like typing.

There was a pretty young girl with yellow ringlets. No, not that Goldilocks, but another with gold locks, Lily. One day she decided to go to school, so that she could learn a whole bunch of new things. Life in the trees, can be very lonely. And Lily liked to draw. She would draw with charcoal. She would draw with ink. She would draw with pencil, clay, and oils. So this young girl went to school. Where she had to do things like read english books and use a super-computing calculator. But it ended up not being as fun as life in the trees, where you can do what you want, when you want. So she made another choice and left. This time leaving with no certainty of returning. And she didn't for a while. But one day after another long while of swinging from tree to tree, Lily chose to settle somewhere that was just like home. This is where she finally had the time to take a book off the shelf. She opened it to the prologue, and began to indulge line by line. The book did not close until many hours later, when young Lily set it down and announced her monumetal decision, to go back to school. The End.




Not much, but a first attempt at a short story in a LOOONG while.

I hate when people stick their nose in your business...

What?!? My best friend moved here without telling anyone(not even I), and she didn't call me, it's been two weeks, and now my friends say I'm in the wrong and should call her... bullshit. She made the move, all secret and everything, if she was interested in talking to me she'd do the work. I played the "bigger person" and called her today. We'll see if she calls back. After that... IT AIN'T MY FAULT!!! And it ain't my responsibility, and it ain't nobody's business why we aren't talking. I am tired of people asking why we haven't spoken, and then they have the nerve to comment "you guys are so funny" YOU, R., DON'T KNOW A LICK ABOUT MY LIFE, AND UNTIL YOU DO-which you never will- SHUT THE FUCK UP!