Have You Been?

I have been swimming through the avenues of colorful cities,
Keeping my eyes on what's concealed by the ebonys and navys.

I have been dreaming of far off places accessable only by pink heart shaped balloons,
Where the answers to all my truths have yet to be explained.

I have been seeking impenetrable souls who radiate an openess likened to celophane papers,
Once seen, begin to melt into a jimbojambo little boy sambo swirl.

I have been waking up on the cliffside, hand outstretched,
Lifting my own heart to the top of the hill where yours waits indefinitely.

I have been flying between the pillars of hope called evergreens,
Zipping past the watering holes of patience that are dry no more.

I have been digging tunnels to china with little more than a teaspoom,
And I cannot dream of stopping even when the bicycles and rice paddies are reached.

I have been hopscotching over chalk lines for more freetime fun,
Pleasing oceans of ages of dreamers of love

I have been gliding across ballrooms
Taking time to learn intricate footwork that walks you across life

I have been allowed chances to feel the light between my toes sparkle
And the devoir to share that shine outward

WORDS...

I need some words. I need a dictionary to fall out of my mind and onto the flat white page. I want to tell a story with a little more than an essay, but my mind has been frozen, the river [of logic] dried up. Or maybe I keep telling myself that over and over, like the way a voice echoes in a canyon.
I am finding my voice. The sound that has eluded me for quite some time is beginning to roar within the space between my ears. The machine that cranks out senseless fragments and coherent paragraphs is churning and breathing zealousness into my frontal lobe… where my thinking is at it’s best.

religious in the moment

There is something to religious music. I mean music of all kinds. From reggae music to christian hymns to new christian rock to chanting of indian or african healing circles. They all come down to faith and praise of what you will be given. The belief that this is the way and everything is sacred, the people you encounter, the moments of grace you receive, the discourse you maintain with another filling you with knowledge. It is all held in the future.

In THE SECRET, they talk about the visualization/manifestation of your thoughts. Of knowing that these things that you want or seem to be 'lacking' will be attracted to you if you radiate that positive energy of having it/deserving it/already personifying/embodying it. A true act of power by thought.

with the past comes great wisdom

I came across a funny website, futureme.com, you can post an email and set the date of delivery to 20+ years in the future. I kept mine within two years and this is what I wrote to myself:

---------------------
Dear FutureMe,

This is a funny website. And I only came here to remind you of that day you were lonely and bored so you called the ex (it was a Friday) and then he, and sometimes you, kept rearranging the plans so FOUR days later you found yourself waiting around again for him to call (it's now Monday). Think back to all the times this has happened before. And with others too? Ultimately, don't spend your life waiting around for anybody. Grab the reins of life and fly on sista... you are a beautiful goddess full of delight. And you are keeping somebody waiting. And with that... she called him.

Love, yourself

ps. Happy Birthday Girlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------

I thought it had some funny lines so I wanted to post it here.

My life is so boring, that I am too bored to post...

I was just reading old blogs from three years ago, when I realized that it was senseless and I might as well write another blog so in three years I can find myself reading this one. Bleh... boring thought. And a sidenote, my English has begun to suck. At some point I decided to use less vocabulary and keep repeating the same words over and over again. Maybe that is why I haven't felt like blogging recently. I still don't feel like blogging. But I promise tomorrow morning I will wake up and write a positively juicy and exciting post.

I haven't been so public about things recently. Have you noticed? But I could update abit. I am doing alright. On a plateau... but not one that will change to a low or a high in a matter of hours. I am working in the city (the smaller one so I will not capitilize). I am working at a 'safe' restaurant. And playing my life really slow and at times lame. But I have needed it. This job has opened things up for me... my housesitting gigs... the ablility to try living in the city before actually having to. You know me, I find balancing my dreams on the same wire as daily life boggling. And right now I am entertaining the idea that I may just want to stay mobile/unattached. I'd like to hook up more housesitting gigs. So I can save and take off. But I begin to feel the itch of taking off and not knowing what awaits, but jumping of the ledge, so to speak. And I wonder if I'd be strong enough to do it again, not the travel part, but quitting the job. Or taking off the time to travel. I could go to Mexico/Belize in two weeks. Couldn't I. Could I find a travel partner? I don't need a boyfriend, but a travel partner. A partner in life. I need companionship again. Remember when I said all this before, this time it isn't in a deperately desiring way. But I want companionship. It is comforting to have a shared environment. Soon come, Jah will bring love to my life. And I wish I could chill with M and J... don't apologize to me for that. They treat ms like a baby. So I have to ask myself, do I act like one? No. Hell no. I don't. I am real with them. I need to feel the real from their hearts. And not their heads that tell them... play real. act natural. pretend to be honest. I will learn the hard way, I will open to them so they open to me. I willbe humble and not think twice of what I say or write. I love you. I love her. I love him, I really do. I am falling of the fine wire, I am stumbling, not in life but in this ost. So I will put the keys to rest. Peace. Love. Livity.

...poem for a fool...

The words you fear, I will not say
But the feeling will be there.

Even though my mouth cannot speak the ideas aloud
You will see the truth in my eyes.

You will know the very thought I am concealing.
Only to avoid embarrassment, I play a fool.

night and day

----
At night I step into my life a little deeper than I have before.
This is when the things I have seen seem brighter or darker,
And profoundly affect my daily existence.
In my dreams, doors are opened I didn’t know were hinged.
People respond in ways I haven’t dared to ask of them.
And emotions are felt like the lapping of waves upon my toes,
Every day I wake up,
And wish my dreams would stick with my soul until I was able to express them to another.
----

it's WAY too early... and I should be in bed

I am not sure where to begin, so I will let my finger glide over the keyboard and have my mind... ... ... get stuck. I am at a much better mental place then I was during the last post. I have a positive outlook on the immediate future and the susequent job prospects. And as far as creativity goes, I just cranked out a bunch of collages and one or two poems. I am feeling full. Which is awesome, because the feeling I was having was that of a dried up river bed thirsty for some water to flow through her vein.


One of my really good friends from college just had a baby. She is incredible. The mom. And she is adorable. The baby. And I am so fucking happy for them!! And my other friend is engaged. He is a sweetheart. The fiance.
Yup, it seems to be about that time. That time when all the couples begin to move on to more adult realities. And the single ones are feeling the pressure. It is like the peer pressure one might feel to lose their virginity. Only I don't feel it directly. And I don't know how to finish this thought...

------

I realize the lessons I learned while in Spain more every day. I didn't truly know what I was supposed/had to gain until after Reggae on the River. I came back full of memories and rejuvenated, but at the same time I was confused and lost at what I was expected to do next.

The sweet echo of mindfulness that the crickets reverberate are a song of peace to me.

I don't remember the last time i wrote something meaningful... to you or myself. My mind has been in La La Land. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and the choices are plentiful but vastly different. I hope for a light heart and spirit and properly following, mind. I am just an idiot when it comes to maintaining relationships. For no other reason than my unconscious goodwill to fuck things up right when they are going smooth. I love the ladies. But for some inexplicable reason, shit is awkward. They open up to me and I cannot tell a wilt of my life for fear of being judged or discarded in the 'not cool enough' pile. It was not always like this... in fact, it has never been like this. I have lost my semblence of selfconfidence, and I don't have a clue where I left it. I have always been overly sure of myself and taking chances for the pure joy in the unexpected/unknown... and somewhere between the City and now I was led astray. I might blame JP. I might blame the City experience. But that is old news, and JP is just an ex. And neither take into account my resolve to divide myself from all things local and comfortable... They feel stale. I have a stale mind right now. I need a fresh flow of energy and a new extracurricular activity. Or I will go insane. I know if I told the ladies that I wanted to do, they'd be behind me 110%. Which is beautiful and there should be more blessed people that share love as freely as they do. But I would begin to feel like a failure if i didn't follow through. I associate school with failure. And I expect to fail out, because that is all I have known and expected before. What is that called when you look at things in that way... self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I believe that that is the way it may go, that is the way it will go.. I need a positive outlook on things as simple as that. I am radiating negative energy and I am not about that at all. But I feel the radiation. I feel it before others point it out to me. And I know other people feel it because they point it out to me. Light. Love. Livity. And all things good. There are blessed goddesses at every interval of life and there are gods walking right next to them.. Do not forget the balance.. Share yourself for balance.

---

It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...

an internet cafe somewhere in Europe

I arrived safely and even had an airport greeting with a colorful handpainted sign! I am spending this week in Madrid, and plan to move on to the northwest of España soon after that. My friend and her boyfriend have been so gracious to show me around and meet for lunch/drinks/etc. This trip is already going good. I can only imagine what is to come and lightly plan the future. But I believe when I am at the end of my vacation I will be in a different mundstate than I have felt this past year and have comfort in knowing where my home is... and it most likely will be in SF. I wish my thoughts were more profound right now(I always say that), maybe I will attempt an entry later on, after the jetlag has worn off. I still feel slightly groggy and disoriented but a few days should change all that. I will post a modified play by play soon... even if you don´t want to hear it...

ciao

another 'bit' that are not my own lyrics, though I wish they were...

i knew it was you who sent the
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."

i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little

because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."

and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to

you sent me that second line

i know you wanted your own

And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion

reminding me that time waits for no one


And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue

and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray

but you are already in zion
and i saw you flash and exist
when he exhaled
and shivered
and i know that you are guiding her
i know that you negotiated maze
and growth

no you sent me to him

Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music

give him your hands
your lonely eyes
the way you existed ouside
of this world

you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickester
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing

ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups

i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to

Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing

when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you


-bassey www.basseyworld.com

just a thought

you will never be who you are, if you aren't open to who you be.

and if you knew what was to come, you wouldn't learn how to get there.

and if you could plan every turn, every instance, every love, you wouldn't see a thing along the way.

so you wouldn't grow into the beauiful human you are meant to be.

you never could.

you wouldn't.

you.

stupid is as stupid does

this is stupid. i can't not have Jp in my life. and just not talk again ever. retarded idea. whose was it? we were supposed to meet for whatever reason and even if he can't be my lover, he certainly can be my friend. i over reacted. but i am painfully too shy to admit that to him. or even too shy to know if he cares anymore. whatever happens, i just have to get that flute I lent him, and my gentleman cds!! primarily the flute. but also gentleman! and that means i have to call him. this is stupid. this barrier i set forth between us. i didn't even know what i was saying. well i did. but it all came out like a flow of lava that probably burned up everything in it's path. i want to be friends. but now i feel like an idiot for freaking out the moment he said he didn't want to be with me. it is unrealistic to believe we can go many days, a few weeks, the length of my trip, without speaking and a) get my stuff back b) make it possible to be friends later. i need to call him now. this is stupid. then again, maybe i learned from him all that i needed to. and i should just call to get my stuff back. how does one ever know when it is as it should be. end of my stupid rant.

once again my computer is too full

COURAGE
for Sonia Sanchez

I have walked head high
in a room full of shadows
I have stomped invisible
as tiptoers saw past me
empty as windows
I have caught the gaze of another
and tossed it aside
like orange peels

I have floated over
the fiery bay at twilight
on flying carpet smoke
blessed by crimson sky spirits
I have been chased away
by a god with blue eyes
then brought back
in the palm of an East wind

I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth

I have been liquid ever since
rhythm ground me into dust
and shook me new like rain

I have made the promise,
always go on—
as weeds
and wheels
and women do.

posted by tina on myspace


--truesatori

I resent the girls for not wanting to be my friend. I know I have changed tremendously in the past year, but...
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.

[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.

Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?

Am I freaking out over nothing?

(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.

They are gaining on me.

I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.

They are gaining on me.

I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.

So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.

...


goodnight

so i like this guy. The same one I spoke about earlier... Anyhow, I like this guy and as I was trying to describe the relationship to an old best friend... she turned to me and said: you need to squash that shit. And I do, and I intend to, and I hope to, and I hope it is the answer I want to hear. Which it quite possibly could be... but I am often too chicken shit to say much more than the mundane. But I did call and leave a slightly saucy message- just a hope-you-sleep-well-you-are- probably-already-sleeping-I'll-call-you-tomorrow-type messege. JESUS, I am having issues typing right now. It's like, I COULD go back and fix/delete the typos but I want to keep writing so I don't ( in part b/c I am lazy) ... case in point I abbreviated 'because', but not 'abbreviated'. Anyhow, I damn well hope the truth comes out.

p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...

I love blogging...

and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...

love, k.

Waiting

As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

now I wish this one wasn't so true...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

ha ha ha... how true.

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?