The sweet echo of mindfulness that the crickets reverberate are a song of peace to me.

I don't remember the last time i wrote something meaningful... to you or myself. My mind has been in La La Land. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and the choices are plentiful but vastly different. I hope for a light heart and spirit and properly following, mind. I am just an idiot when it comes to maintaining relationships. For no other reason than my unconscious goodwill to fuck things up right when they are going smooth. I love the ladies. But for some inexplicable reason, shit is awkward. They open up to me and I cannot tell a wilt of my life for fear of being judged or discarded in the 'not cool enough' pile. It was not always like this... in fact, it has never been like this. I have lost my semblence of selfconfidence, and I don't have a clue where I left it. I have always been overly sure of myself and taking chances for the pure joy in the unexpected/unknown... and somewhere between the City and now I was led astray. I might blame JP. I might blame the City experience. But that is old news, and JP is just an ex. And neither take into account my resolve to divide myself from all things local and comfortable... They feel stale. I have a stale mind right now. I need a fresh flow of energy and a new extracurricular activity. Or I will go insane. I know if I told the ladies that I wanted to do, they'd be behind me 110%. Which is beautiful and there should be more blessed people that share love as freely as they do. But I would begin to feel like a failure if i didn't follow through. I associate school with failure. And I expect to fail out, because that is all I have known and expected before. What is that called when you look at things in that way... self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I believe that that is the way it may go, that is the way it will go.. I need a positive outlook on things as simple as that. I am radiating negative energy and I am not about that at all. But I feel the radiation. I feel it before others point it out to me. And I know other people feel it because they point it out to me. Light. Love. Livity. And all things good. There are blessed goddesses at every interval of life and there are gods walking right next to them.. Do not forget the balance.. Share yourself for balance.

---

It all came out mumbo jumbo, but I have been feeling this way for awhile, and there will be more to say later...

an internet cafe somewhere in Europe

I arrived safely and even had an airport greeting with a colorful handpainted sign! I am spending this week in Madrid, and plan to move on to the northwest of España soon after that. My friend and her boyfriend have been so gracious to show me around and meet for lunch/drinks/etc. This trip is already going good. I can only imagine what is to come and lightly plan the future. But I believe when I am at the end of my vacation I will be in a different mundstate than I have felt this past year and have comfort in knowing where my home is... and it most likely will be in SF. I wish my thoughts were more profound right now(I always say that), maybe I will attempt an entry later on, after the jetlag has worn off. I still feel slightly groggy and disoriented but a few days should change all that. I will post a modified play by play soon... even if you don´t want to hear it...

ciao

another 'bit' that are not my own lyrics, though I wish they were...

i knew it was you who sent the
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."

i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little

because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."

and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to

you sent me that second line

i know you wanted your own

And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion

reminding me that time waits for no one


And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue

and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray

but you are already in zion
and i saw you flash and exist
when he exhaled
and shivered
and i know that you are guiding her
i know that you negotiated maze
and growth

no you sent me to him

Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music

give him your hands
your lonely eyes
the way you existed ouside
of this world

you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickester
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing

ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups

i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to

Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing

when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you


-bassey www.basseyworld.com

just a thought

you will never be who you are, if you aren't open to who you be.

and if you knew what was to come, you wouldn't learn how to get there.

and if you could plan every turn, every instance, every love, you wouldn't see a thing along the way.

so you wouldn't grow into the beauiful human you are meant to be.

you never could.

you wouldn't.

you.

stupid is as stupid does

this is stupid. i can't not have Jp in my life. and just not talk again ever. retarded idea. whose was it? we were supposed to meet for whatever reason and even if he can't be my lover, he certainly can be my friend. i over reacted. but i am painfully too shy to admit that to him. or even too shy to know if he cares anymore. whatever happens, i just have to get that flute I lent him, and my gentleman cds!! primarily the flute. but also gentleman! and that means i have to call him. this is stupid. this barrier i set forth between us. i didn't even know what i was saying. well i did. but it all came out like a flow of lava that probably burned up everything in it's path. i want to be friends. but now i feel like an idiot for freaking out the moment he said he didn't want to be with me. it is unrealistic to believe we can go many days, a few weeks, the length of my trip, without speaking and a) get my stuff back b) make it possible to be friends later. i need to call him now. this is stupid. then again, maybe i learned from him all that i needed to. and i should just call to get my stuff back. how does one ever know when it is as it should be. end of my stupid rant.

once again my computer is too full

COURAGE
for Sonia Sanchez

I have walked head high
in a room full of shadows
I have stomped invisible
as tiptoers saw past me
empty as windows
I have caught the gaze of another
and tossed it aside
like orange peels

I have floated over
the fiery bay at twilight
on flying carpet smoke
blessed by crimson sky spirits
I have been chased away
by a god with blue eyes
then brought back
in the palm of an East wind

I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth
I have turned to stone
when Sweet Breath was taken
from this earth

I have been liquid ever since
rhythm ground me into dust
and shook me new like rain

I have made the promise,
always go on—
as weeds
and wheels
and women do.

posted by tina on myspace


--truesatori

I resent the girls for not wanting to be my friend. I know I have changed tremendously in the past year, but...
I don't think they value me and that pisses me off. I had explained to them how tired I was. I never see these girls and when I do, they ask me to do a favor for themonly b/c they are drunk.

[It isn't me choosing them over him, is it? Would he feel that way? Or would he think 'cool, she is going to see her friends tonight' ? I don't know why I went to see them. I wanted to see Jp. But my insecurities- both with Jp AND with M and Jn- overruled and I went running to my girl friends instead of the guy. ...now that sounds lame, in print. I don't want to go running to the guy, but I want to be able to depend on him to be there through it all. blah blah ups and downs blah.] -this paragraph makes no sense to me, I don't know what I am talking about at all.

Did I even have a point for this post to begin with?

Am I freaking out over nothing?

(retorical, but nonetheless inquired.)
-----
I dream that I am running through the streets.
And the sky is a dark crimson.
And there is dust on the ground.

They are gaining on me.

I am being pursued so I run blind
As fast as my human is possible.

They are gaining on me.

I don't know who I am running from.
Nor what I did to give chase.
Neither where I am running to.

So I run blind
my eyes closed as if asleep.

...


goodnight

so i like this guy. The same one I spoke about earlier... Anyhow, I like this guy and as I was trying to describe the relationship to an old best friend... she turned to me and said: you need to squash that shit. And I do, and I intend to, and I hope to, and I hope it is the answer I want to hear. Which it quite possibly could be... but I am often too chicken shit to say much more than the mundane. But I did call and leave a slightly saucy message- just a hope-you-sleep-well-you-are- probably-already-sleeping-I'll-call-you-tomorrow-type messege. JESUS, I am having issues typing right now. It's like, I COULD go back and fix/delete the typos but I want to keep writing so I don't ( in part b/c I am lazy) ... case in point I abbreviated 'because', but not 'abbreviated'. Anyhow, I damn well hope the truth comes out.

p.s. I read a quote somwhere that said: "don't hope, have faith"... and that is what I should really be saying- I have faith that I will say this and also that he digs me. blah blah blah...

I love blogging...

and p.p.s. my perfectionist of myself went back and edited my typos... god, I need to relax about accidents...

love, k.

Waiting

As I sit and wait
And wait
And wait
And weigh the options…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

I cannot help but conceptualize where my anticipation comes from
It comes from the memory of my pasts
From a dream still in the future
From reality…
While…
It adds more
weight
to my shoulders

I have been here before, I recall
I recall and retell,
I have seen this all before

I have known this reaction and been dealt this same hand
Once before, I remind myself
And there is nothing left for me to do but weigh the odds

Calculate chances
Will the outcome be the same if I…

Stay in
Go out
Stay put
Go far

So I wait
And wait
And wait
For a new deal
For a call
For a change

And when I get the call, it is not at all what I expected

now I wish this one wasn't so true...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

ha ha ha... how true.

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

love to be inspired...

I love to be inspired. By strangers, old friends, and intangible things I wouldn't have guessed I'd be inspired by. I love it.
---

So all has been well in my forward progression of blind faith, in trusting JP and not backing out for fear of the unknown. There were a few weeks that I began to freak out, in just the slightest way. But I rallied it back together, and decided that until I leave for Spain, that there is nothing to be unrested about. Ride it out and see what unfolds when you get there. Until then, I know that I have been in high spirits, satisfied by the companionship I have, and actively breaking free of my old habitual tendencies. Amen for changes. And amen for every new day that arrives. I feel free in writing all this NOW, since you have seen me at my lowest points in the past. And it must be satisfying for you to finally read my blog and not have some sappy, wishful-thinking kind of post. (It isn't that kind of thing this time, is it? I talking about all those cosmic send outs to K, etc. It is wishful thinking for the future, not wishing for the past to reoccur.)

**It is funny to me that I wrote 'blind faith' above because that is the epitome of my struggle with my family's religion (catholicism) and with love. Is having the blind faith that it is there, it is possible, and that it works out in the end. I'd always say, but how do I know this guy is the one? How do I know God loves me/there is a heaven? You never know but you can believe enough of it to be true. And although I still question which god I want to believe in, when it comes to JP- I can't even see right in front of me... and that is a GREAT thing.

what is happiness?

Have you ever met someone and just known it to be right
---
That is all I really can say. From the moment I met J. it has felt right. With no effort. Au natural if you will.
---
And I am not talking Bahr comfortable, or B. excitement, or K. wannabe right. Or any other person I've dated inbetween. But like it has always been the connection between us that I have been waiting for. Every other person was such an effort, and I felt like I had to work for it, this time, I am myself, and he is hisself. I have waited for it to be right, and have imagined it much in the way it has occurred. And I will not deny this feeling or the coincidences that follow, because I know there will be more...
---
I think this could be the beginning of my first serious relationship. ha ha ha. I knew all this was supposed to happen by twentythree. What I didn't realize, is that it would happen all in the last month of my twentythird year.
---
There is so much more I want to say, I wish it would come out more poetically, but I will come back to all this and have poignant words to say. Until then, love and be loved.

Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved. Love and be loved.

I have to post this here b/c my hardrive is full, and I can't even save a word document...my livelihood

'm looking for something bluesy tonight, a lagging rhythm and a drawling verse, a gentler sound, a quieter place, where i can sway and rock my hips in monochromatic ambivalence, somewhere blatantly sexual in intention but not in mindset, a dark corner perhaps. easy. there's detachment in losing yourself and violence in bringing it back, so whattyasay. i say, it's about time. a warning - regression will come before progression.

if we're talking about music - i played the horn for five years, until i realized that it was dripping in testosterone. i gave it over to a billy davis whose first name in another time might have been miles. that was his territory and we both knew it - what drove me away was how i imagined wrapping my lips around that metal mouthpiece, consuming the entire instrument, when all i was required to do was tongue the right beats in the right time signature and, yeah, hit the right notes. i could do all of that just fine but i'm no lesbian and my tongue was designed for other things. as a result, i was left with no musical inclination and now would much rather lay back and say, yes yes give it to me harder, more more more.

if fucking is intuitive, then musical appreciation can be, too. and blogging??

-from http://littlekitchen.blogspot.com/

ssssssssnakes and zzzzzzzzs

I am drained at the moment. Devoid of strong emotions, pure thoughts, and a clear conception anything.


If I could grasp the very snake that eludes me,
I'd put it in a basket and serenade it with a song.

And inspire the dervish to sway with sweet ecstasy.
And when the majority of passerbys disagree with my casual comfort in creating his/my own sad solitude,
I beg you to question the snake trapped in a basket,
how it feels.

It feels like love

is all he can answer.

The moments we experience that are pleasurable
when thought of next to moments we'd wish we could be free of.
Love.
The pure healing that music gives you when you seem to be alone.

And feeling trapped.

In a basket.

And even if for moments at a time. That is the feeling of love.
But if I could grasp that very snake that eludes from me,
I'd pray he is strong enough to slither off with me.
With him.
In hand.

---
This was originally was more of a curing elixir for a general ailment- boredom not singlehood. It wasn't intended to get so romantic. But I guess there is where I had to go. I actually really like it.

I need sober sleep, less thoughts, and a man in my bed.

I am BLAH

I have been filling my brain with far too serious thoughts recently. And it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

Enough B. Enough with insecurities. Enough with deep afterthoughts. And live a little lighter.

I have been sad. As much as I want to be mad at B for not telling me the whole truth (and put it past me like it doesn't matter). I have been sad without him regardless.

And I try to fill my void with guys, hanging out/dating guys. Not always hooking up with, but dating.

"Once it gets physical, it is just so wrong" I just said that as an observation about myself. And it can be interpreted many ways.
1. the 'it' feeling so wrong, I get uncomfortable and don't know how to act
2. the "so wrong" feeling that is a product of my catholic upbrining,
3. my psychosis speaking...blah blah blah

Great at being a guys best friend, horrible at dating them.

...And here I go getting all seriously deep again. So it is time to forget... and relax... and enjoy... and live...

I have been told...

I exude an 'I don't need men' attitude.

I do believe that sometimes I do, but hope I don't always.

I want to call Jason tomorrow.

I ran into my B. tonight. And it was so so. At first I tried to play it cool and slightly ignored his presence. But then succumbed to his mysterious ways. (he smells so good- fresh and clean). And was dancing, he was grabbing me and hugging me ALOT. I will say that I only responded after he flirted his way in. And then, of course, I was sorely dissappointed. Eventually another girl came into the picture, and they made out alot and danced hella raunchy, in front of me. I was sitting at the bar talking to Julio (thank god. at least he is hot and sexy), but they really where right in front of me, definitely in my line of sight. I thought that was less than tactful, and mostly rude. But anyhow, I did a great job of ignoring it and shrugging it off when B. made eye contact with me. At one point I was dancing and I made direct eye contact with him- mid-embrace with the mystery girl. And he made the "cut it off" hand-to-neck move... about the girl, to me. That was another rude move on his part. ---I am not that sorry when I say: you can't seduce both of us in the same night. Later on in the evening, I asked who his "lady friend" was and he said " a friend from way back". Well in my head I thought I don't care how far back she goes, she was kissing on you, and you on her, so she must be (I assumed) his new girlfriend. I am sorry but she is a hella broke looking Indian girl, with a big nose. ... there I feel better already. Priscilla. I already despise the name.

I hate stepping on people's toes, and I don't like to be made a fool. I can feel jealous that you were kissing up on her, because I like you...

and speaking of like/love. You told me a few times this evening, that you loved me. Even if it was in a friendly sort of way, you said it to me repeatedly, usually in an embrace. I like you too. But I hate to back that up with gusto because I bet you were drunk and that is why you said what you said.

At the end of the night, he asked me to come back to his house and smoke some bubble hash. And like clockwork, I said no. Rightfully so, because even though he apparently 'wanted' me to come over, something inside said 'either she'll be there and I'l have to deal, or no- I just watch her canoodle you at the bar, and I feel like that is your girlfriend, and I don't want to step on anyones toes or embarass myself. I'd rather protect myself than put myself out there and wait. ... ... ...

Protection by prevention. I keep pulling a tarot card that says I tend to 'block', to a flaw, things that I feel will hurt me. I try less, and gain less. Ahhh, I am getting deep. In thoughts, into the night, and in shit, so I will bid you all adieu.

love, k.

you like drama?

Jon is not what I need right now. I am looking for a friendship first and everything else later. I was just getting comfortable with B. and then... roadblock. Then Jon came along, and he was attracted to me, and would say all the things I had hoped B. would say to me, but was unable to hear because of the other woman. But I am not that attracted to Jon. Now it has been almost too long since I have talked to B., to go back to the way we were. Oh how life can suck.

And on the same page... my girls, like my best homegirls, are not speaking to me, in middle school fashion. Over something I shouldn't have said. I realize the importance of secrecy with these girls, they are terrified for much to get out about them, but for the record I didn't rat it out out of spite. I told my best friend something in confidence and she referenced it in conversation to my homegirl, and homegirl misinterpreted what my friend actually knew. See I didn't tell my best friend the whole truth. I know it is dramatically complicated and you feel like you are time traveling to the 7th grade, but two of my best friends won' t join or include me in anything, don't care to call anymore, and make things awkward when I DO see them because of a misunderstanding. And that hurts. From one of them, M., I kind of expect that behavior. But the other friend,J., has always seemed to be the more mature, not so caught up in drama, and she is giving me the same cold shoulder as M. I hope J. is not feeling the same way about me as M. does. But frankly, I have to get to work and I don't give a damn!!!

I say I feel...

ALOT. (almost every entry)
I feel...
I am feeling...
I felt...
I FEEL... nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing.nothing...